Shrug. Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood prequel, or whatever that was, is a completely successful “movie.” It was professionally made by people who know what they are doing, starring professional actors who know what they are doing, based on a beloved folk tale that has remained popular throughout the years precisely because it remains consistently relevant and appealing. By all accounts, the movie had action and adventure and relatively well-rounded characters. The only problem is who cares. I mean, if it was 2010 and the world DIDN’T have a prequel (?) remake of Robin Hood starring old Grouchy Beer Face (so grouchy! so puffy!), no one would bat an eye. We just don’t need it. You could say that about most movies, I suppose, but you could really say it about this movie. The entire thing just felt…unnecessary.

Unless, of course, you are a Tea Bagger.

Am I right Tea Baggers? When that first title card came up talking about how you had to take justice into your own hands when the government was out of control or whatever, I could see Sarah Palin nodding from my window. Don’t tread on Robin Hood! I’m not saying this movie was pro-Tea Bag Movement, but I am saying that the Tea Bag Movement sees everything through tea-colored glasses, and there was definitely a way in which you could imagine them seeing Robin Hood as a modern day racist, homophobic hater of affordable medical coverage for children.

Of course, the movie doesn’t really explain why outlaws are required to aright society, because Robin Hood isn’t an outlaw in this movie. He’s a grouch for sure. And he fights a lot. But he doesn’t actually steal from the rich to give to the poor. Well, one time he steals from the church to give to the poor. But that’s different. I’m not defending the church, since they can barely even be bothered to defend themselves, but I also don’t actually think that taxes are an inherently bad thing, so it’s hard for me to get all up in arms about people being taxed. Besides, a lot of times taxes are the individual contribution to the well-being of society, rather than the nefarious plot of a power-crazed double-agent trying to sow the seeds of civil war in order to further his foreign political station. You know what I mean?

I’m also still not entirely sure why he becomes an outlaw, even though that was supposedly what this whole movie is about. I mean, I know he becomes an outlaw because the king (who is a jerk) declares him to be an outlaw. Got it. But it’s kind of weird how the king stops being a jerk for a long time, and then seems to decide to be a jerk again at the last second. It also seems like he’s mostly mad because one time Robin Hood almost got crushed by two boats, but then it turned out that he didn’t get crushed by two boats, and he was just screaming in the water like ARRGGGHHHHHH and that is what made the French surrender? Was it the screaming, or the not being crushed by two boats? The French were just like “Zut, Robin Hood is Le Best!” Maybe the king was just mad because of how it didn’t make sense. I mean, Robin Hood was never in charge of those armies to begin with, and he didn’t give any rousing Braveheart speeches (on the field of battle, I know he was pretty pumped at the Town Hall Meeting). As best I could tell, he shot some arrows and then disappeared to help his girlfriend. Relax, France. Be consistent, King.

Like I said, though, the actors were very professional. I particularly enjoyed Oscar Isaac as the mean king (so whiny! Stop Whining!!) and Max Von Sydow as Mr. Loxley. He was so blind! I wish he was my dad. Oh, and the smirk monster from Lost was pretty good as Little John. (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH LIL JOHN — dad joke from the future.) And my very favorite part of the movie was in the scene where Lady Marion comes to talk to Robin Hood by the fire and he is wearing a TANK TOP. You know how it was back then. You need something breathable to wear under your CHAIN WALLET MAIL. (I have got the dad jokes, now all I need is the kid!)

My least favorite part of the movie was the ending where it is just blatantly setting up for a sequel. Slow down! I barely even stopped watching this movie yet! I know this was just a prequel to 2 Robin 2 Hood: Sherwood Drift anyway, but there is something particularly pushy about a movie that is so confident in its inevitable follow up when you didn’t even like the first one that much. But fair enough. Have fun. I will be over here, GUARDING MY PORCH.

Did you guys even see this one?

Comments (136)
  1. I hope all you fat, gay retards liked this movie. I WAS READING.

  2. I’m officially opening the floor to lorry jokes. Aaaaaaaand go:

  3. (I have got the dad jokes, now all I need is the kid!)


    Don’t forget Birdie in the car “by accident.”

  4. I’ll admit I had no desire to see Robin Hood (Man in Tight Pants) this week.
    So instead, I checked out the movie release schedule to see what movies will most likely be the VG Movie Club assignments in the weeks ahead.
    The line-up for the next few months is looking pretty good monsters:

    5/21 MacGruber OR Shrek 3
    5/28 Prince of Persia OR Survival of the Dead (Romero Zombies!!) OR Sex In The City 2 (although it doesn’t take place in the city this time)
    6/4 Marmaduke!! (I’m going to ignore Get Him to the Greek because obv. Gabe will pick Marmaduke)
    6/11 A-Team or Karate Kid (Can’t wait to find out which one Gabe picks!)
    6/18 Jonah Hex or Cyrus (Step Brothers 2) or Toy Story 3
    6/25 Grown Ups (Adam Sandler meets Paul Blart!) it seems no other major movies were willing to open againt this blockbuster
    6/30 Twilight: Eclipse (Special Midweek movie club?) Will we find out more about the Stupid Lamp?
    7/2 Knight & Day – I can’t wait to see the explosive sexual chemistry between Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. (I can’t believe how straight he is!)
    7/9 Topher Grace (Predators) I’m not going to even bother listing any more movies since my mind will be blown after seeing this one and I’ll probably need to take the rest of the summer off to recover.

    It’s going to be a busy summer.

    • IS THAT seriously the LIST OF movies this summer? BECAUSE besides June 18th, this WILL MOST definitely be A SUMMER AT home. Sorry HOLLYWOOD.

      • Watching movies at home is the greatest! Like how last night instead of paying $8.50 to see something lame, my wife and I cried through Up again, and there weren’t any smirking teenagers there to make fun of how many tissues I went through. I have allergies, jeez! (I do not have allergies.)

        • true story: I saw Iron Man this weekend in River Falls Minnesota. 3 people +2 popcorns= 11$

          cost of one ticket at my local movie theater in Chicago 11$

          a 10 year old girl in a suit took my money, and what looked like her mom worked the concession stand.

        • For some reason theaters showing Pixar movies are always so dusty, especially during the emotionally resonant parts of the film.

      • The only one on that list I’ll probably go see is Get Him to the Greek, although I do believe you missed to include Inception.

    • “Can I get a small popcorn, Jr Mints, and a gun with one bullet?”

      -Me, after purchasing my ticket for Grown Ups.

    • Watching movies after Predators is like planning for life after 2012.

      • I’m only interested in Twilight: Eclipse. I know the previous two are considered terrible, and they are terrible, certainly, but also awesome.

        First and foremost, Kristen Stewart (or as I affectionately pet named her, tha K-Stew) is pretty.

        Secondly, it’s hilarious. In the beginning of the second Twilight movie, that vampire boy is walking in the parking lot in slow motion and the wind blows through his hair and shit and some lame indie crap music plays. HILARIOUS!!!! It is an awesome franchise. As watchable as Buffy the Vampire Slayer seasons one and two.

        • Stefan Gagner Dubois posted:

          While Twilight is not my kind of film; i don not expect it to be. I find no point in trying to watch a movie that clearly is not marketed for my demographic.

          As for Kristen Stewart, I find her beautiful, just as all women are beautiful in their own way. However I hesitate to label her as “pretty” in fear that I am objectifying her. However, I can say this: I am sure that she would be lovely in real life and it would be my pleasure to get to know her personality.

        • K-Stew! Awesome. You nailed it though. All good reason to watch these moviez.

    • One glaring omission: Step Up 3-D, on August 6th

    • Cyrus doesn’t look like its going to be much like Step Brothers. In plot maybe, but the tone looks entirely different.

      • Cyrus is also a mainstream “mumblecore” film by the Duplass Brothers, Mark and Jay (The Puffy Chair, Baghead). Mark is reputed for helping start the mumblecore film movement (re: largely improvised scripts, mostly), and was also in last year’s mumblecore film Humpday (which was pretty good), as well as FX’s The League (which was fun).

    • Personally really excited to see The A-Team because alcohol. Oh god alcohol.

    • you’re changing your username to cinema_addict right? right.

  5. I’m so glad I did not spend my time watching this movie, and even more glad that I DID spend it re-watching “Across the Sea.” (Leave me alone, I only have one more week to randomly make any post into a discussion about Lost.)

  6. russel crow is no errol flynn


    THAT said, could we NOT SHOEHORN politics into SOME MORE posts? BECAUSE it feels KINDA UNNECESSARY. NOT that you NEED TO address me as A HATER IN a video (I’M FISCALLY conservative which isn’t THE SAME shit as BEING an idiot). I just DON’T THINK it’s really needed. BUT I DO agree if YOUR POINT is that you HAVE TO READ into this shit BECAUSE THIS movie was a WHOLE BIG BALL of “meh.” SERIOUSLY. I hope AT THE END of shooting FUCKIN MR. Ridley was all “And that’s a boring, you guys!” BECAUSE THIS movie is definitely a fuckin boring.

    • Stefan Gagner DuBois posted:
      Although, I tend to vote democrat, I also took offense at “tea-bagger’ used as a punchline. Yes they are very misguided and use badly thought out slogans as replacement for political awareness, but in the end they are still human beings.

      However I am not surprised at your reasoning behind the ridicule.While I agree with them in theory, I find it disconcerting that as soon as a democrat gets elected they suddenly decide that government is too big. What better example is there of a president exceeding his powers than the Invasion of Iraq? I think we all have to be more levelheaded in both sides of the aisle and focus on what makes us similar not different.

    • I think Gabe’s parallels to the current political climate are completely justified. The idea of Robin Hood as a crusader for the oppressively taxed is not exactly a new one, but it’s timely considering we have hordes of comically (not to mention proudly) misinformed not-quite-latent racists who are just so mad that a black man gave them raised lowered their taxes.

      If a giant monster destroyed Manhattan and Cloverfield just happened to come out last weekend, I think the Giant Monster Attack of 2010 would be relevant to the discussion.

      That is just such a great hypothetical comparison that I’m just gonna sit here and marvel in its extremely clear logic and unimpeachable intellectual poignancy before hitting submit.

      • Whoops, “raised” was supposed to be crossed out, et al. Anyway, enough about this movie, we should by more Valentine’s Day, you guys!

      • WASN’T CLOVERFIELD supposed to be ABOUT 9/11 or whatever? And YEAH I POSTED after having a debate with A COWORKER over politic SO I PROBABLY let that shit BLEED into my POST.

        I DO however THINK THE right–see THE ATLAS SHRUGGED reference–has ALREADY cooped THE ROBIN HOOD thing. I seem TO RECALL Ayn RAND SAYING “Yeah, but ROBIN HOOD was good because HE WAS TAKING money FROM people who DIDN’T DESERVE. And then HE RAPED a woman. BUT SHE was really FEELIN it. SO IT wasn’t RAPE. IT WAS ALL very METAPHORICAL, and I have some WEIRD KINKS.” OR MAYBE that was NICK Madsen.

      • I mean I understand why it fit, but it seemed so unnecessary and tacked on. There was absolutely no reason for Gabe to throw in a pot shot at teabaggers here. Really none at all. The whole thing seemed as unnecessary as the movie itself. It was almost like the guy you just recently started hanging out with who goes out of his way to name drop new music or avant garde movies to make himself look cool. Its just so artificial and off putting.

        • WELL GLAD I’m not THE ONLY one who FOUND IT off putting. Thank YOU, hlebtastic.

        • I think it stems from a certain anger that a vague “grass roots” movement that consists primarily of people who take pride in their ignorance and is rooted in a thinly-veiled racist anger that democracy didn’t work in their favor has achieved such influence.

          I’m a fairly open-minded individual. I have very conservative friends and family members (and pictures of them in my wallet). But these people make me ridiculously angry. Not at their individual opinions, but at the legitimization they receive (which I know we escalate by even talking about them). I understand how it can be easy for Gabe to vent some of those frustrations into tangentially related material.

          Just as I would understand if a Teabagger pop culture blogger (Teablogger?) might feel a need to compare our fascist, socialist, communist, terrorist, colored Kenyan president to the Sheriff of Nottingham in his Bizarrogum Movie Club post.

          Different strokes we are the world (of fear-based hate).

          • One more brief observation: Isn’t it far less relevant to include a few paragraphs about how Jay Mohr is a coke-addled nightmare of unfunny in a post about Topher Grace?

          • If a teablogger (I like the term) made that claim in his post we would dismiss it as shlocky and forced. And rightfully so. I don’t see why we can’t do that here.

            As per your Topher Grace comment, isn’t that the whole point of What’s up with Topher Grace? The irrelevance? Topher as both an actor is completely irrelevant to our lives, and yet we dedicate a weekly article to him in a sort of satire of how really unimportant pop culture is in general. I thought that was why Gabe started each one of those posts with a tangentially related anecdote about something that he actually truly found important.

          • Should read “Topher as both an actor and a PERSON”

          • You’re right about the Topher Grace thing. I am just KILLING IT with the analogies on this thread!

          • I think Gabe might have mentioned it because other people in the blogosphere have been making that same connection about the movie as well.

        • Gabe can make references to Tea Baggers any time he pleases. This is his blog. There’s not a red state videogum and a blue state videogum. There is only the United STATES of the Videogum Gabe dictatorship where he is the dictator. Count your blessings. Case closed. Sleep tight.

          • This argument is just silly. Obviously Gabe can write about anything he wants, but me and AnAmPat can use the comments to explain why we disapprove. DOYOYOYOYOY

          • It’s not your place to disapprove, boy. You don’t like what Gabe has to say you can go troll some other blog that is more to your fancy and leave the grown up conversations to the adults. Plus: Shouldn’t you be busy stalking the waitress girl who has no name? (This is a subtle reference to your avatar image, yo).

          • Stefan Gagner DuBois posted:
            I for one value everyone’s different input on the matter. Some times different point of views can express details that are missed by one’s own opinion. There fore we must appreciate our variable discourses.

          • Steve, I found a picture of you when you lived in Texas.

          • The devil is alive and well in east Texas!

            First person to correctly identify the source of that quote will receive a special prize pack in the mail.

        • I think it was a pre-emptive strike by Gabe, because sure as shit, someone like Beck or Palin will come up with a hackneyed Robin Hood analogy for their campaign or speech.

          Lastly, the tea-baggers are fucking idiots and they should be called on it.

          • vermits  |   Posted on May 18th, 2010 +2

            Like this thread. Steve Winwood with the big shout to Always Sunny in Philidelphia, dog. Did you know that the actors in the show actually are married in real life, son? Just Steve Winwood over here dishing some insider info about your avatar then reminding you that that’s what he’s doing in case you didn’t get the ref about a show you have selected as your avatar or on the off chance that you might not have had enough Steve Winwood in the last five minutes, homeboy.

            And don’t be telling Gabe what he can and can’t do. Steve Winwood be making sure you know this is the United States of Gabstereogum’s house…

            Honestly, it’s painful.

          • I think Gabe included it because it’s well, relevant. Robin Hood is a sort of emblem for the Tea Party right [which is weird considering the whole "steal from the rich and give to the poor" thing... hmmm... what does that remind me of that those guys are racistly against?] I think it’s appropriate to discuss contemporary issues that are related to the movie.

            My god, I am Stefan Gagner DuBois.

    • Videogum? more like politicalgum, amiright??

    • Wait a second, please. I wrote about the movie making me think of tea baggers because while I was watching the movie IT MADE ME THINK OF TEA BAGGERS. That’s not so much shoe-horning it in as describing my thoughts about the movie, which is, ultimately, one of the founding ideas of this column. Because I have to write it all by myself (boo hoo) and so I only get one set of thoughts to choose from.

      But more importantly, are you seriously arguing that anyone is “shoe-horning” politics into a discussion of Robin Hood? It’s a populist folk-tale passed down over 600 YEARS in response to POLITICS. And it deals mostly with POLITICS. And it remains popular to this day because of the way in which its treatment of POLITICS constantly aligns with and mirrors our own experience of POLITICS. So what the fuck are you even talking about?

      • sorry Gabe. but you do realize you are yelling at a guy pretending to be the Marlboro man and another guy pretending to be Steve Winwood’s alter ego. We know you this is all in fun. I hereby retire my Stefan Ganer DuBois character.

      • YIKES. SORRY, Y’ALL but I was just trying TO POINT something out POLITELY as possible in an EFFORT TO curb the POLITICAL ramblings that SUCH A POST would cause ON THIS SITE. I’M REALLY sorry that I APPEAR TO have done the opposite AND EVEN angered GABE. MY POST HAD no ill intentions and WAS NOT AN attempt to TROLL. I’M SIMPLY JUST one boy TELLING A girl that HE LIKES JOKES more than politics. SORRY TO get everyone all RILED UP and shit.

      • What would Al Roker shoehorn?

  8. This movie was not funny.

  9. Needed more tights.

  10. “Little John. (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH LIL JOHN — dad joke from the future.)”

    I would just like to pat myself tremendously on the back for beating Gabe to this joke by writing it earlier today in the Lil John thread. SCOOPED, son! I would also like to cry, because Gabe has called me out for making dad jokes.

    I’m not even a dad. But this is what I do. This is what I do.

    • my dad makes awesome dad jokes. but probably if i didn’t love him so much, i would not find them so endlessly entertaining.

  11. The History Channel special on the actual Robin Hood that was also a shameless tie-in with this movie was more interesting than the movie. And i fell asleep during that special. I’m so cool.

  12. Did this Robin Hood have a Bryan Adams song in its soundtrack? Cause i think it should be a rule that every Robin Hood movie have one.

  13. The only thing entertaining about this movie was Russell Crowe’s Bore-N-Arrow

    But all seriousness aside, having not actually seen this movie, I feel as though I have already seen it.

  14. Gabe, your review made me oo-de-LOLly, oo-de-LOLly, golly what a day.

  15. i decided not to watch this movie because it is not relevant to anything in my life, now if you excuse me, i have to go put on my super hero costume to fight crime

  16. I was disappointed with Ridley Scott’s interpretation of Hood’s beloved “yoinks and away” maneuver.

  17. Chain-mail and swords? I’m going to go see this. The end.

  18. Remember Nicolas Cage’s inexplicable accent in Vampire’s Kiss? I think Russell Crowe was paying homage in this film…..seriously, it’s a really bad accent! Irish for some reason!

    • it can’t be worse than Kevin Costner’s godawful Robin Hood accent. The first third of the movie he sounded like someone vaguely trying t0 do a British accent, then he gave up and for rest of the movie sounded like… Kevin Costner.

      Anyway, I wonder if the right-wingers will finally stop whining about the liberal elites who control Hollywood?

  19. This movie should have been called Cling Clang!

  20. Because of all the sword fights and all the jewelry in everyone’s pockets and all the putting on and taking off chainmail.

    I’m not saying it would make a better movie title, just that it would make more sense. Certainly more sense than Robin Hood. They never even call him that. He just wears a dickie hood thing. Very cool, Robert of Locksley or Robin of Ruxpin or whatever your name is.

  21. to be kind of fair to russell crowe [which i really really hate doing, p.s.], i did read some quote from him about this movie being a return to the original story of robin hood. i had to read some of those early robin hood plays [? not really plays. like little scraps of loosely scripted morality play type shit] in one of my theatre history class, and it turns out robin hood was not a lovable fox who wears a tunic but no pants, as i was led to believe as a child! he was kind of a dick. i remember this one where he breaks all of these clay pots that some dude is trying to sell for no apparent reason. not cool, robin hood. not cool.

    i haven’t seen the movie, but i bet there is that scene where he breaks the clay pots, right? because hollywood loves nothing more than incomplete medieval scripts.

    • Isn’t the lovable fox who runs around in a tunic but without pants, also known as:

      • as a fashion designer, i would say that she is not wearing a tunic. i’d call it a shirt-dress, just a very short one. though i suppose that could be open to debate as the placket does not extend all the way to the bottom.

        as a human being, i would question calling her lovable. the only redeeming quality of blake lively’s is her amazing tits. the costumer for gossip girl clearly knows this. literally everything she wears on the show is like, “hey look at my tits! they are so awesome!” but alas, perfect breasts do not equal lovable.

        i get it that you were making a joke. but i’m still a little drunk from a concert earlier. and i kind of resent you hijacking my comment about disney’s awesome robin hood cartoon and medieval theatre to post a picture of blake fucking lively. she’s so irritating. i’m so glad i’m not watching gossip girl next season.

  22. vermits  |   Posted on May 18th, 2010 +4

    Why does Steve Winwood chime in on every post? I’ve not been able to follow this site lately due to obligations and my 2 year old, but every time I get on here I have to read SW painfully unfunny bid to be internet bad guy commenter. And I totally defend his right to be here and such and I’m not trying to pretend I’m a part of this community of personalities, but why is it that annoying unfunny people think that others hate them for their outlaw persona or daring anonymous campaigns against pop culture? I mean Steve Winwood is just not funny. I feel bad because he spends so much time on this site it must, in some way, create a sense of identity for him. I don’t want to crush that pretend world because I do think that happiness is hard to come by and if this is making Steve a better Dad, friend, employee, husband then good for everyone except, to be honest, everyone who has to read Mr. Painfully unfunnyincitefulreadableetc just to join in on any conversation. And make fun of me all you want or say something snarky or whatever but there are people on here (the baby with the headphones, the American Flag yelling person, that evil Dracula wizard, many more) who actually get laughs all the time. In fact, I’m a real easy laugh. I’ll try to avoid and hope he goes away (he has every right to bore me silly and I hope no one is considering kicking him off here because that’s not ok) but I get the sense that he would consider such an action a signal that he is winning or beating the system or whatever.

    Steve, it’s just tiring. I used to like reading this site and I should still like reading this site because if anything Gabe and babyheadphones and a bunch of others have gotten funnier with time. My wife used to like it as well. She is so annoyed with you she just flat-out stopped reading. Could you please let this place be fun again?

    • Relax. Steve is just a dude playin’ a dude disguised as an anamatronic nightmare monster. Let the dude be, and say what he wants to. It’s fine.

      I feel like this is some kind of reverse-double-negative troll, though.

      • vermits  |   Posted on May 18th, 2010 0

        Again, I’m fine with Steve’s right to say whatever he wants. I’m just wishing out loud that he didn’t. I’m completely relaxed and I understand that Steve may have friends/supporters but that does not change the fact that SW is unfunny. And there’s no troll, whatever that is. I’m a commentor. My name is Alex. I’m expressing my opinion. Dude’s just not funny enough (at all) to warrent his monopoly of this site.

        Sorry, I’ll go away now but I had to say something.

        • you gave it away by feigning ignorance on the troll thing, Alex.

          • vermits  |   Posted on May 18th, 2010 +1

            Ok. If Steve cuts his attempts to make this site a boring place all about him by half (and to be fair he’ll still produce like 99.4 percent of the content of Videogum) I’ll never bring it up again. Sorry, but I think there are people that read this site that want self-obsessed bores like Steve to be held accountable for the lazy (someone else’s words, not mine) baiting and generally sucking the air out of every topic no matter how fun that topic might be. But you’re right, I’m playing that role. It’s meta.

          • What I want to know is who is the Evil Dracula Wizard?
            Do you mean That One with his avatar from The 7th Seal?

      • He knows who he is! He’s the dude, playing the dude disguised as another dude!

  23. vermits  |   Posted on May 18th, 2010 0

    I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m sure Steve’s a nice enough guy. I’m just at the breaking point. Just relax a little and pick your spots. I’m sure this will do no good.

  24. vermits  |   Posted on May 18th, 2010 -3

    There’s also no reason to downvote this because it’s just one man’s opinion. I don’t want to get lots of downvotes for attenion or upvotes to validate my point. I just think that if SW gets to ruin my enjoyment of Videogum (again, his right in a world of free speech god-bless-it) then I get to ask nicely for him to stop. That is all. Have a good Tues everyone.

  25. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • When King Obama III gets back from his muslim-killing crusades he’s going to be real pissed at those tea badgers and their selfish ways

  26. vermits  |   Posted on May 18th, 2010 0

    That One

    I meant That One for the Dracula, mad scientist propers

    The people on this site that are funny are the best.

  27. I find this comment thread to be a bit hit and miss. Some Solid jokes were made, some excellent gifs but it really got bogged down in the heavier stuff. Overall i’d give it a C: Okay, not great.

    NOW, since Cary Elwes is already pictured, here’s another CUTE ROBIN HOOD:

    aww…so cute!

  28. vermits  |   Posted on May 18th, 2010 +6

    The best part was that the real Robin is all, “take this sword to my father, this is my dying wish.” and Russell Crowe is like, “In faith i will bang your wif e.”

  29. in his first scene, it struck me that the actor playing king john must have based his character on spencer pratt.

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