Whoa, Dale Peterson, RELAX. I am sure that you are a hard-working, decent man who loves his country, and wants to do the best he can for the state of Albama. But just as someone seeing it from the outside, you know, with a fresh pair of eyes not clouded over by the fog of political campaigning, you are coming off like a REAL ASSHOLE. I’m just saying! Admittedly, I don’t even know what an Agriculture Commissioner does, but I’m willing to guess that he doesn’t SHOOT EVERYONE IN THE FACE. And I’m also pretty sure that the reason I don’t know what an Agriculture Commissioner does is because an Agriculture Commissioner is a mid-level beaurocrat in local government, and I don’t know what any of those people do, not because of THUGS AND CRIMINALS. Huh? Seriously, just relax. You’ll name names? You need to relax relaxes.

Incidentally, the best part of this ad is how the Related Videos column on YouTube is just trailers for Mel Gibson’s The Patriot. Right. (Thanks for the tip, Gideon.)

Comments (105)
  1. They don’t give a RIP about Alabama!!!!!!

  2. The South will rise again, bro.

    • PSYCHE! Just kiddin’!

      • Aren’t you an AL Monster? What say you, AL based but still soulless automaton Robot Nightmare Monster? Any insight into these allegations of night thieves stealing signs? Or was it you with your church sign shenanigans again? Please, illuminate!

        • I guess you could say I’m a displaced person who recognizes that a good man is hard to find and the life you save may be your own, but the violent will bear it away with an enduring chill, if you know what I mean, if you catch my drift, if you can pick up on what I’m laying down, brohams

        • Stefan Gagner Dubois posted:
          Altough, theWinwood/Gagner DuBois family originates from Alabama we currently reside in west Texas. as for the sign-stealing allegations, I reserve my opinion until further details surface.

  3. Anyone else see a look that screamed “Help Me!” in that horse’s eyes?

  4. I like how they make it look at 0:45 like the horse is saying “Who on Earth would support such a dummy?” and my first impression was that the horse was calling Dale Peterson a dummy.

  5. Was the horse supposed to be talking at :47? Cause it looked they were trying to do a Mr. Ed type thing.

  6. I’d like to point out missed opportunity here. When Dale asks “Who on earth would support such a dummy!?” It shows a close up of the horse’s face. I would have respected him more if it showed the horse’s tail flicking away flies.

  7. You think that guy bragging on his facebook was bad, you should should have seen what Gus wrote on formspring

  8. Wait for it.

  9. I’ve been a cop
    A Farmer
    A business Man
    A Marine During Vietnam
    An escort
    Won first place at the Montgomery ladies of the bayou drag competition
    A belt buck aficionado
    A chewing tobacco connoisseur
    And I once killed a man with a Bowie knife for mistakenly calling me ‘Dave’

    So Listen Up!

  10. I wish I lived in Alabama so I could be very pumped up to not vote for him until the day after the election when I realize I forgot to vote…Just kidding, I do not wish I lived in Alabama at all.

  11. Also, did Guy Ritchie direct this commercial? So many jump cuts!

    • This campaign is aimed at the MTV generation.

    • I just think of that early 30 Rock episode where Alec Baldwin does that GE video that was literally a minute, but when Liz Lemon sees the outtakes, it shows that it took him two days to do it without screwing up.

      I’d like to think it took Dale Peterson a month to film this commercial, and the jumpcuts are an attempt to edit out his terribleness. I mean, he’s been a cop, a farmer, and a business man, but no one said he’s been an actor!

    • Or he couldn’t speak for more than 20 seconds before being choked by his own rage and they spent 7 days shooting this.

    • I’m the audio engineer behind the Charlie Brown specials, and I approve this message.

  12. Sadly this guy will probably win, and win by a large margin in Alabama.

    • Not sad at all, bro, it’s democracy and if you don’t like it go start a communist dictatorship someplace

    • Stefan Gagner DuBois Posted:
      I think it’s sad how some politicians pander to the lowest political denominator, however, we have a system of checks and balances that can be changed if you decide to demand more honesty from our public figures.

      • Retraction: I meant to write “we” as a whole. I was not singling you out Bubbles. I apologize if my message was not written in a more concise manner. Sometimes my pedantic use of grammar is disconnected from the version of the English Language as interpreted by the modern day USA populous.

  13. I trust this man to waterboard all of my produce.

  14. And can we assume he has Cool Hand Luke on his Netflix Watch Instantly queue?

  15. To paraphrase:

    “I’m Dale Peterson…

    I been a marine during Vietnam so listen up…

    Thugs and criminals…

    I’ll take no prisoners.”

    Dale Peterson for Thug Hunter 2010

  16. I’m not gonna lie, the only information I took away from that was that Dale Peterson
    {Cut Scene}
    Can’t get out more than two sentences at once.
    {Cut Scene}

  17. If Gordon Brown had worn a stetson and carried a rifle on the campaign trail; he’d still be Prime Minister.

  18. OK so here’s a fun thing to do: Go to 0:49 and keep clicking on it. It sounds like he’s saying “ennui” in a really ridiculous way.

  19. Does the Agricultural Commissioner really need to be armed? Like, are the thugs and criminals stealing the five million (5 MILLION!!!!) dollars allotted to the Department of Agriculture trying to take it by force? And why isn’t he talking about actual concerns covered by the Department of Agriculture? So many questions! Somewhere, my farmer grandpa is developing a hate-tic and starting fights with Republicans (which to be fair, is what he does every day).

  20. alabama: making the south look fucking nutso since 1819.

  21. “My opponent admitted on Facebook that he has a Facebook account. I don’t know what that is, but if I see one, I’m going to kill it.”

  22. Peep the giraffe Dale.

  23. The best part was right where he said “I’m a republican” a gun comes flying out of nowhere as he puts it on the fence. It wasn’t there a second ago, but hey he mentioned republicans, get a gun in there just to be sure they know hes serious. And yes, this guy will win in a landslide thanks to that gun.

    • That there gun is fer shootin’ varmints! And fer makin’ targets outta old cans o’ chewin’ tabaccie.

    • Not gonna lie I legitimately jumped a little when that gun came out of nowhere. I was like “shit! gun!” and then I was like “…awesome!” because I am almost the target audience for this commercial (except for that I am underage, female, Texan and socially open-minded–so, never mind, I just like guns. Did yall see that gun?!)

    • Why couldn’t there be a prop mix-up, with Dale accidentally grabbing a giant rubber dong when he said “I’m a Republican.” Then he could march off into the sunset with the dong bouncing over his shoulder.

      I would watch one million of that commercial.

  24. “Der der-der, der derr dur. Drrr. DUR!” – Dale Peterson

  25. As an Alabama Monster, I feel it’s my duty to weigh in on this. The following sequence of random letters, numbers, and punctuation marks banged out to demonstrate my frustration is about the best I can do: d;lfkaj3pgua;eiojr; 9e4ug’apWERdafjoeihAg;eoia3je98jMMuia$$2oasjdf;alkd;ahne;lkaj6;8*(*$(#)j;rlja3e

    • I LOVE OUR STATE!

    • I promise we’re not all crazy, nightmare people!

      • I believe you guys! People think the same thing about us Texans! Kinda!

        • The only thing stopping me from getting out of Texas is the fear of having to explain to people that no, I’m not Republican, no, I don’t own a gun, and no, I did not ride a horse to school every day.

          • I figure if anyone is stupid enough to still think shit like that in 2010 they don’t deserve a response.

            I can’t tell you how many times I’ve explained to full-grown adults that Texas is not actually one huge desert. Have they never looked at a map? No one thinks Louisiana or Arkansas are in a desert, so would this imaginary east Texas desert just stop abruptly at the border?

          • You guys Texas is just a big giant flat desert with cracks in the land and oil rigs and a full moon always and a coyote is always howling and there is a tumbleweed always blowing across the horizon duh.

          • Those Board of Education standards aren’t enough to make you want to leave?

  26. FOOLED AGAIN:

    http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/0510/The_amazing_campaign_ads_of_Alabama.html

    Should have known this was fake. The real Dale Peterson would be using Friendster.

  27. Politics blah blah blah. Can we talk about how much I love his top? It’s delicious.

  28. your right-wing politicians put ours to shame.

  29. I know that what I am about to say may not be true at all because I don’t know this man or his family or what he’s like at all. But I could just see him turning around at the very end of his commercial and saying, “Oh. And I hate fags!”

  30. I read that this is actually just a viral ad for dad jeans.

  31. Two words for this weiner: trigger discipline.

  32. Growing up I lived in the country. I had a friend whose dad was basically that guy. One day I was over at my friends house and during dinner his dad just got up from the table and left the room. “How,” I thought “could this god fearing man get up and leave the dinner table when such a sumptuous feast of medium rare steak, boiled potatoes and corn was present.” He returned shortly with a gun and slide open the glass door. He walked out onto their newly renovated cedar deck and looked out over his backyard. With a nonchalance, that only seasoned practice can bring, he raised the gun and fired into his yard. I was shocked and awed. He came back inside and returned the gun to its safe hiding place. After sitting back down at the table he said “that gopher won’t be terrorizing my garden anymore.”

    The moral of this story is my friends dad would vote so hard for Dale Peterson and that makes the world a scary place.

    • Is it weird that this story doesn’t shock me at all? And that I felt like he was justified because at least it wasn’t a person he was shooting at?

      I’ve seen way crazier redneck in southern Indiana.

  33. Gabe, of COURSE the Agricultural Commissioner doesn’t shoot people in the face.

    That’s a job only for the Vice President.

  34. So is the horse his Vice-Agriculture Commissioner?

  35. dude directing this was like “Y’know it’s okaaay Dale, but i think it needs more ANGRY”

  36. I like the horse’s sensible haircut, it’s very upstanding.

  37. A farmer, a businessman, a cop, a marine during Vietnam and NOW an aspiring Agriculture Commissioner? Relax with the careers, Peterson. Who do you think you are?

    http://www.beliefnet.com/~/media/1CD72DF5CDDD4C64AC0A7ED138CF17A7.ashx?w=333&h=250

  38. I’m not a Republican (or even an American, for that matter), but this guy is very exciting. It would hard not to vote for him!

  39. He just Nick Madsen’ed Will Ferrell’s George Bush video with the horse and turned the amp of angry to 11 and the amp of crazy stereotype southerner to 12.

  40. I hope he knows that people from other states entering the state of Alabama are not “illegals busting in.” I’m pretty sure there aren’t other illegals busting in. Because, Alabama.

  41. This guy had me thinking he was a tough-talking manly Alabaman until the 1:00 mark.

    Then he turns around, reveals his flowery peacock embroidered shirt, and basically turns into Stefon on weekend update.

  42. Just wish his opponent realized that everyone’s still using MySpace in Alabama.

  43. Don’t make so much fun o four boyfriend. You don’t know the (racist) things he says to us when we’re alone.

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