ian_mckellen_grocery

Ian McKellen was enjoying his day off from rehearsing his latest play, The Wizards of Madison County, with a trip to the grocery store, and then maybe a tandem bike ride later. He wandered through the produce aisle, admiring the colorful bounty before him. There was just something so visually pleasing about a well-stocked produce aisle, Ian McKellen thought to himself. He saw the tubs of cherry tomatoes, and for a moment, his hand outstretched, he imagined a villainous character who had the power to bend cherry tomatoes to his evil will. Then he picked up a plastic tub of cherry tomatoes and looked at it from all sides to see if these were delicious looking, ripe cherry tomatoes, or wrinkly and rotting old gross ones. We cannot choose the tomatoes we are given, only what to do about buying the cherry tomatoes the store has. Ian McKellen placed the cherry tomatoes into his hand basket and continued down the aisle.

“YOU SHALL NOT PEAS!” he said to the peas. Ian McKellen did not like peas!

Just then, he felt a tug at his leg. There was a child staring up at him. “Are you a wizard?” the child asked?

Ian McKellen furrowed his brow. “No, are you a hobbit?”

The child made a face like he had tasted something terrible, and shook his head from side to side. “No, I’m a boy. I’m a human boy.”

“Indeed you are,” Ian McKellen said. “Because hobbits do not exist. And neither do wizards.”

The boy shrugged and ran a few feet to clutch at his mother’s skirts. “Your boy thought I was a wizard,” Ian McKellen called out to her. “He must have a wonderful imagination.”

The mother looked down at her child, as if she had never seen him before, and shook her head. “No, he is actually almost completely lacking in imagination. It’s kind of sad, really. He takes everything completely literally and at face value. My husband and I have talked about taking him to a therapist or something, but yeah, no, no imagination whatsoever. One time we gave him a refrigerator box to play in, thinking he would turn it into a fort or a spaceship or something. He just wrote “David’s Refrigerator Box” on the side and then would sit in it completely still and silent for hours.”

“Well maybe he’s just shy. He thought I was a wizard, so he must be more clever than he lets on.”

The woman gave Ian McKellen a disappointed look. “No, Ian McKellen, I’m telling you, this boy has no imagination. I think the reason that he thought you were a wizard was because you look like a wizard. Like, your face looks like a wizard. And you have a long wizard’s beard. Also you are dressed like a wizard in a shiny silk wizard’s robe covered in silvery moons and runes. Oh, and you’re carrying a staff with a crystal at the top. And on your head there sits a floppy wizard’s hat. Besides, I heard you chanting gentle incantations over by the deli counter.”

“He just hadn’t sliced the roast beef thin enough to my taste, it was a minor spell at best. A parlor trick.”

“Whatever, Ian McKellen. I’m just saying: you’re basically a wizard. Deal with it. Don’t pretend like that somehow makes other people’s boring, unimaginative, possibly mentally disabled children have normal, active, excitingly unpredictable imaginations.” The woman walked away, dragging her kid behind her, although he didn’t seem to mind. His face was completely blank and affectless.

Ian McKellen sighed. Perhaps next time he would not wear the hat. He waved his hand once in the air, causing the line of shoppers before him to disappear. He paid for his groceries with gold coins, mounted Shadowfax, and headed home, where he would keep the Sun Chips he had just bought secret, keep them safe. IN HIS STOMACH.

Comments (43)
  1. This is wonderful, Gabe. You can rhythmically slap my baby breasts anytime you want.

  2. I asked Ian McKellen if he wanted to go out drinking with me and the guys tonight. He said he was busy. He said he had to take the Onion Rings to the crack of Mount Dinner Table.
    Can someone check in on him? I don’t think he’s doing too well. Thanks

  3. So concludes another day of LOL’s. I’m off to sit in my refrigerator box all night

    • Yes. That was the part that made my LOLk go ka-ching! Like a cash register, but that’s not how investments really work.

      I’ll come in again.

  4. cherry tomatoes and sun chips are the best, good food choices sir Ian
    hey I’m named Ian too, name buddies for life

    • Good thing he didn’t fall prey to the spicy cheddar machinations of Mordoritos.

      • One does not simply walk into the supermarket and purchase Mordoritos

        • One must pass through the burning, cracking asphalt of the Parking Lot, then wade waist deep through the despair-filled swamp of the Cleaning Products Aisle until one comes to the dark gate of the Snack Food Section guarded heavily by men in football jerseys and whining orc-children with their overworked mothers. Even then to open the dread bag of Mordoritos is to release the dread specter of secret nacho seasoning into the very air around you. And god forbid you dip them in Sauron Cream.

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  6. Once I met Patrick Stewart outside of a play, and some obvious young teenage Star Trek geek tried to take his picture, and Patrick Stewart basically tore the kid a new asshole for trying to take his picture during Patrick Stewart’s “off hours.” You could literally see the inner crushing of all the hopes and dreams of meeting his idol on this kid’s face.

    I don’t know what this has to do with anything, except that in my head, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen are basically the same person. I would like to make this comment more relevant to the topic at hand, but I cannot make it so.

  7. I’ve been mistaken for a homeless guy.. it’s no laughing matter.

  8. iz u relly a wizerd?

  9. When i was little and my parents gave me boxes to play in, i didn’t pretend they were spaceships or forts either. I just really liked boxes and hiding in boxes. Like our cat, Ray. Is that not normal?

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  11. Ian McKellen is a badass.
    I’m racking my brains for other things to say, but that’s the only thing coming to mind right now.

  12. After a couple of weeks off YCMIU returns to forgive all of my LOLdebts with enough left over for a modest deposit in my LOLK (yeah, I know YCMIU wasn’t off but for me, it was kinda off).

    Gabe, are you sure you’re not a wizard? B/c you just turned my black heart to gold.

  13. Good luck keeping those Sun Chips a secret. That new packaging is as loud as a thousand exploding suns.

  14. “YOU SHALL NOT PEAS!” Love it. Almost as much as I love peas. Maybe I could be on Top Chef!

  15. Do not mistake me for a purchaser of Chex Mix! I prefer Gardetto’s.

  16. You know how I much I appreciate this website existing?

    A terrible week at work and dealing with upsetting personal issues…

    And it all seeps away into rainbows and shining laughter as soon as I read ‘YOU SHALL NOT PEAS!’

    You guys!!

  17. Sir Ian Sir Ian Sir Ian Sir Ian YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Sir Ian Sir Ian Sir Ian.

  18. I really really enjoyed this YCMIU. I cannot think of anything clever to say, because I too lack any imagination. Right now at least. Perhaps someday I can go to the top of mount doom and get an imagination, or is that OZ? I’m so confused…

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