Jenny is grounded! In Brooklyn! She’s not even supposed to use the phone! So it’s going to be slightly more difficult than she had originally thought to crack an incredibly illegal fake prescription drug ring organized by Serena’s estranged father in order to Gaslight Lily into divorcing Rufus and getting the old family that was never a family back together again for the first time. Luckily, she has Chuck’s help. He has given Lily’s fake Oxycontin that was actually antibiotics (haha, what?) to his “personal pharmacist” (haha, what?) who is trying to determine what the pills are and whether or not they are bad for Lily. Haha. Uh….no offense to Chuck’s PERSONAL PHARMACIST, but a) you can figure out what pills are pretty easily by looking at the name that is printed on the side of them, or by looking them up in The Pill Book. And b) yeah, I’m pretty sure fake pills prescribed by a nefarious doctor who is clearly violating his hippocratic oath are BAD for her. Like, maybe the pills themselves are benign, but they are fake nightmare pills from a melty-faced criminal. They’re bad! Did I solve the case? Case closed.

Oh, there’s still another hour of this show left before someone has to go to jail? Whatever.

Rufus comes over to talk to Lily and Serena tells him to leave, and everyone is basically like, yeah, we think Serena is probably right. What? For one thing, Serena is 19 years old. And for another thing, she’s an asshole. I wouldn’t listen to her advice about WHAT TO ORDER AT BALTHAZAR, much less how to handle MY MARRIAGE. Also, she has piled all of Jenny’s things by the door? And Lily I guess is just like, no, yes, that makes sense. “It’s totally reasonable of you to treat the belongings of a girl who is legally my step-daughter and who lived under my roof until two days ago when I got mad for no other reason than that it helped move this plotline forward, as if those belongings were garbage.” Cool. Cool family.

Serena says that Rufus should leave before she calls the downstairs neighbor. Rufus says he has nothing to hide. So the downstairs neighbor comes upstairs and is like, yeah, Rufus and I definitely had sex. Oh, and she says this in front of Eric, Serena, and Dan. Because when you are a corrupt psychiatrist (hahaha) who is magically and conveniently under the thumb of a nefarious Palm Springs doctor trying to drug his family into loving him, you definitely will just say whatever in front of children, because it’s important for them to know. Rufus says he didn’t sleep with her, but who are you going to believe? Your lame but obviously faithful husband, or some stupid woman who just showed up? Lily wants a divorce. Or some space. Or something. To be honest, much like her children, I pretty much zone out whenever Lily is talking.

Meanwhile, Chuck and Blair and Nate and Dan and Jenny are all on the case. CRIME BUSTERZ! Long story short, they solve it. And then they have a super normal conversation about it. Just a classic conversation like human beings are always having together.

“This is just well written.” — David Mamet

I do love that the evil plot involved prescribing antibiotics whose side effects MIMICKED THE SIDE EFFECTS OF HAVING FUCKING CANCER. Unbelievable. This show is basically Fringe at this point. Jenny, though, tips off William about those darned kids discovering his plot, because she wants him to win, because she wants her family back. Fair enough. The Van Der Woodsen family does suck. Even worse than the Humphrey family somehow, which is crazy, because the Humphrey family sucks sooooo much. Back at the penthouse, William insists that he would never prescribe Lily fake oxycontin that was actually antibiotics that mimic the symptoms of cancer (ahhahahaahaahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahha) and says “do you want me to prove it? I have the files downstairs in my bag.” HE HAS THE FILES DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BAG! Quick side question: why do you carry sensitive medical records around in your bag? And I have a follow-up: why is your bag downstairs?

The answer is that he doesn’t have the medical files in his bag downstairs. That was just a ruse so that he could QUIETLY RUN AWAY INTO THE NIGHT. Fooled again. The old “medical files in my bag downstairs” con. Serena follows him (somehow?) to A HELICOPTER AIRPORT and tells him that she loves him. Yeah. Which part do you love about him most? The part where he hasn’t been a part of your life at all ever? Or the part where he secretly perpetuated the idea of your mom’s fatal cancer in order to ingratiate himself back into your family? Ooooh, or the part where he blackmailed a psychiatrist into lying about an extra-marital affair with your stepfather in front of children? Then Serena is like, “if you go now, I’ll make sure they don’t come after you.” Uh, what? How? William gets into a taxi, and the police drive right on by. PERFECT GETAWAY.

So now Serena is going to start fucking Dan again? While he is legally her brother? And Nate is going to fuck Jenny again while she is legally the worst? And Chuck gives Blair a corny LOVE ULTIMATUM based on a movie from 1957 and/or 1993 but in either case LONG BEFORE EITHER OF THEM WERE BORN? Who cares. I hope everyone on this show gets hit by a boat.

Next week: the series finale, as far as I am concerned.

Comments (45)
  1. I’m currently watching Vampire Diaries (don’t worry, I’m going to be hit by a boat next week), which is also on The CW and I saw this:

    Which reminded me of this from last week’s GG recap:

    Just Binging it up with vampires and cancer and very loosely defined search parameters!

    • Teenagers love Bing as much as they love successfully bringing down corruption and crime within their family, and they love it SO MUCH!

    • Confession – I really enjoy the Vampire Diaries. Light years more than I enjoy Gossip Girl, which I have just about stopped watching.

      • It is a really excellent teen soap opera! Or whatever. It’s FUNTIMES and I LOVE IT.

        • oh give it a couple of seasons, and i am sure it will be as the worst as gossip girl. if you can remember as far back as three years ago, gossip girl was also an excellent teen soap opera. as it is these days, not even chace crawford’s pretty pretty face can get me through it these days. i will be so sad when not even ian somerhalder’s pretty pretty face will get me through the vampire diaries. at the moment, i am enjoying that show ['s pretty boy] tremendously.

          [my entire criteria for watching anything is: has attractive male lead. i am pretty much also the worst.]

    • I noticed that too while I was (not) watching Vampire Diaries.

  2. So I’ve been lurking for a while and I’ve been really impressed by how quickly monsters post witty comments to these posts. And often with jpegs and jifs too! Wow! And I wondered, do people just have these ready to go for when Gabe posts things? They must! So when I saw the video this morning, I saw exactly the gif I was going to make and post in the comments for the next post. I didn’t even have to know what the next post was; I knew this gif would perfectly sum up my feelings about it. I made the gif. I waited. I was ready.

    Except the next post was the Betty White thing, and I was like, eh. So I thought, okay, I’ll wait ONE MORE.

    So, uh, here’s what I think about this post, guys!

    I’m sorry that it’s not really a direct commentary on it, because I actually did just read it and liked it and wish I could say something clever to let Gabe know what a great job I think he does with these wrapups. Being a monster is not as easy at looks, I guess.

  3. Lol. I really was going to leave, and felt bad about all the wasted space on what should have been a great Gossip Girl thread. But these comments inspired me to give it one last try. Thanks guys!

    (please work please work)

  4. More Vampire Diaries, you guys! Sorry, but seriously, just look at this:

  5. Yes, yes, but what is happening with Dorota????!?!

  6. Nate’s little speech in the apartment has me lobbying for a series reboot with the gang running an Upper East Side detective agency.

  7. Hey! What did Fringe ever do to you?

  8. I wish Gabe posted more photos of the clothes. Even if he mocked them, I’d still like to see them.

  9. WHERE WERE THE WAFFLES!?!? Someone please, think about the waffles!

    • waffles only appear in the flash-sideways epidsodes where everyone at least pretends to vaguely remembers their motivation and histories. or is it the other way around?

  10. As a side note: Fortunately, Nate and Jenny never fucked (yet? Ugh). Just so our minds don’t have to deal with jail.

  11. Does anybody remember when this show was actually good? Those first three episodes….

    • Apparently next week is going to tie loose knots together, be “what we’ve all been waiting for”. YOU MEAN DEATH BY CULT RITUAL?? Thank you so much, Stephanie Savage!

  12. Based on this preview I think we might get a little of “what we’ve all been waiting for”. Namely Jenny Humphrey committing suicide:
    Is it wrong that when Jenny whimpers “everybody hates me,” I squeal joyfully?

  13. Pardon my lack of knowledge about anything Gossip Girl-related, but isn’t that the chick from Brisco County Jr?

  14. GASLIGHT JOKE. I’m crying.

  15. oh this episode. what was with that clump of gross on the back of jenny’s head all episode? and how everyone on the show is so aware of how it is the worst and can’t even be bothered to try anymore? and serena acts like a bossy five year old and apparently no one feels like they should slap her really really hard? when nate asked dan what happened and dan’s only response was to roll his eyes, that is how i feel about this show.

    someone seriously needs to kill jenny’s weave before it takes over her head. i think that thing has come to life and developed the ability to mutate. kill it before it starts increasing in size like the blob and takes all of nyc hostage. but not before it kills jenny.

  16. Anyone else think Chuck is turning into Karen Walker with his ‘personal pharmacist?’ And, come to think of it, Blair, with her close and twisted relationship with Dorota, also resembles Miss Walker’s relationship with her maid, Rosario?

    Omgosh – Will&Grace conspiracy

  17. First off, if they still own the place in Brooklyn, which they do because the Humphreys clan was there at the beginning of the episode, then why must Jenny escape to Nate/Chuck’s place? And how did she get in?

    And WHAT was going on with Jenny’s breasts? She’s not allowed to use a phone but she can walk around in that trash bag of a dress (from the back I honestly thought I was seeing the Junk Lady from Labyrinth, maybe from the front too, come to think of it) with her nipples a mere wardrobe malfunction away? I just don’t know about that…maybe I’m just jealous that someone who looks 12 has bigger boobs than me.

    The one thing that surprises me more than anything is that it has taken this long for the Serena + Dan step-sibling hook up story to happen.

    • SPEAKING of dresses, did anyone else notice Serena’s hooker dress at the gala-of-the day function? She was the only one looking like a gold lame (lam-ay and very lame) prostitute. Come to think of it, I didn’t pay much attention to Jenny’s dress, but I’m sure it was equally horrible, matching her personality and raccoon eyes.

  18. Apparently in the next episode “Jenny hits rock bottom.”
    Because dealing drugs and having hair that gets caught in milkshake machines and lawn mowers isn’t already rock bottom?

  19. Please help me, could somebody tell me what’s the music in the end of this episode? I’ll be very grateful.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.