Oh well. And I had been looking forward to this one, too.

Iron Man 2 was long, and boring, and overly complicated only to be too simply resolved, and most importantly it wasn’t very much fun. But I think you could tell we were in for a bumpy ride in one of the film’s opening sequences. It was at Stark-Con, or whatever, when Robert Downey Jr. takes the stage as Iron Man to the excited cries of his adoring fans and proceeds to give a completely incomprehensible speech, like, it literally made no sense, followed by a filmstrip from the 1960s? And let’s go back for a second. What the fuck is Stark Con? It is one thing to make me willfully suspend my disbelief that we are in a world where superheroes are real, but there is no suspension strong enough for the disbelief in a months-long industry conference on the development of WEAPONS TECHNOLOGIES that is treated like a year-long Ibiza rave. I know that people get excited for Steve Jobs’s keynote speech, or whatever, but first of all, Steve Jobs is introducing toys not guns, and his keynote speech is twice a year for an hour in California, not six months long and in the middle of Queens. Then Tony Stark is like “I am not saying that this is about you, this is about my dad.” WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? And then John Slattery comes on covered in Manic Panic and you actually start wishing you were just watching an episode of Mad Men on DVD because a) it would have been a lot cheaper, and b) it is nice when people actually put some thought into what they are making.

The thing about Iron Man is he’s an asshole. You know the parts in Batman where Bruce Wayne is being a flippant, misogynistic creep to throw people off because they would never even think he had it in him to be a hero? That’s Tony Stark ALL THE TIME. So who cares if Mickey Rourke kills him? Kill him! He’s mean!

Speaking of Mickey Rourke, he is a great actor, and he was perfectly good in this movie (as was everyone else, EVEN GWYNETH PALTROW*. The myriad problems were in the directing and writing, not the acting), but his cheeseburger is only more absurd after having seen the movie. Spicy mayonnaise? What?

He’s not even that good at his job. For all of his big talk about how he and the suit are one in the same and it can’t just be operated by anybody, the second that someone else puts the suit on (Don Cheadle) they are able to beat him in a fight and fly away. (Not to mention the fact that even Tony Stark had basically a vertical-line-learning-curve when it came to mastering his “complicated” invention.)

And where was the action? I’m sorry, but driving a Rolls Royce the wrong way on a racecar track in Monaco is a scene in a fucking Mr. Bean movie.


Mr. Bean is the hero that Monaco deserves, not the one it needs.

But on a simpler, more fundamental level, this movie just needs to go back to drama school and learn what stakes are. Because every single dramatic element requiring resolution was set up as impossibly dire only to be instantaneously resolved with zero effort. Tony Stark is dying from the chemical in his arc reactor? Well, out of nowhere, Samuel L Jackson will give him a shot in his neck and that will clear things up long enough for him to DISCOVER A NEW ELEMENT (hidden in a 50-year-old PAPIER MACHE DIORAMA). Mickey Rourke has created a Whiplash suit that is more powerful than two Iron Man suits combined? Well, just fight him for an extra 30 seconds and then kill him. Seriously when Mickey Rourke died I thought it was a joke. That can’t be the end of this fight, can it? Oh, that is the end? Good joke.

LIKE, at one point, when Tony Stark is CREATING A NEW ELEMENT (based on his dad, Roger Sterling’s 50-year-old papier-mache model of an amusement park, because if there is one thing that billionaire weapons designers do, it is hide their revolutionary discoveries in dioramas and never EVER mention them again) he shoots a laser across the room (why didn’t he just aim the mirror in the right place at the beginning? NEVERMIND) and it cuts through, like, his MC Escher poster, and his tool chest, and then he points the laser at a piece of metal or something, and in 5 seconds, his super-computer, Ask Jeeves, tells him that he has successfully created a new element. (Incidentally, 20 seconds earlier, his supercomputer had told him that it was impossible to create a new element. So I am starting to think maybe it is not that good of a computer?) Tony Stark pushes his work goggles onto his head and says, “that was easy,” in a tone that is supposed to suggest that it was anything BUT easy. Except, uh, it was easy? He pointed a laser at a thing for five seconds and made an element that is going to save his life and change the world. So, yeah, THAT SEEMS PRETTY EASY. I’m sure he can get another MC Escher poster at the mall.

Ugh, this movie.

And then it ends exactly where it started. He is still just a rich, self-obsessed jerk. He’s not even invited into the secret superhero society. I guess Sam Rockwell might come back as a super-villain, but he was already the villain in this movie? So, you know, snooze. The biggest SPOILER is that in the end, Tony Stark is dating Pepper Potts. Yay? If there is one question on everyone’s mind as they entered the theater to watch this movie, I am sure it was: WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH TONY STARK AND PEPPER POTTS? Right, you guys?

This post, like the movie, is weirdly, and probably a little bit misguidedly, dedicated to DJ AM.

*Gwyneth Paltrow is an awful HUMAN BEING, but a perfectly functional actor.
Comments (243)
  1. But what is the new element called? Probably unobtanium…

  2. Apparently Gabe went to a cineplex that served extra large Haterades.

  3. I did not see Ironman 2 this weekend. I did, however, see Birdemic. I think (know) I made the right choice.

  4. Here are the things that I loved (really loved) about Iron Man 2:

    - I was so glad that Tony tried to stop that pendulum thing on Pepper’s desk. It was SO annoying.
    - I liked when the Hammer Bots flew over the cars and set off their car alarms. That really got me laughing.
    - I thought the music was really fresh and will give the Last Action Hero soundtrack a run for its money.
    - I liked it when that high-tech missile farted instead of blowing up that bad guy.
    - Expo Map becoming a new element as well! Did not see that coming EITHER. So awesome.
    - When Tony plugged in the new element to his body and, haha, he said it tasted like coconuts. That was pretty funny. I can’t wait to see the outtakes of RDJR improvising that line with other things the element might taste like.. lots of LOLs to be had there on the 5-disk Blu Ray.
    - Anthony’s and Pepper’s kiss was SO HOT.

    • -Olvia Munn as a reporter

      -Sam Rockwell being Sam Rockwell

      - “Oh yeah, she did a spread on Tony last year”
      “She also wrote a story about me.

      • I always enjoy Sam Rockwell’s performances, but I think they made him look like too much of a dunce. The chain gun on War Machine’s shoulder seemed to work pretty good, even though the farting rocket did not. They can’t all invent new elements, i guess.

  5. “And where was the action?”

    …the robots punching each other and getting shot up with lasers wasn’t enough for you? And the massive explosions? I guess you’re working with a different definition for action, one from a SUPER-WACK dictionary.

    • That robot fight at the end where they are all SHUNK. SHUNK. SHUNK. falling from the sky (why yes I am a sound technician why do u ask lol) and circling them my heartbeat was like BADUMP. BADUMP. BADUMP. and grabbed my friends hand and the two of us held our breath like big nerds.

      Basically I liked the action!

    • The action was not bad, there was just not enough of it. It DID suck how the whole movie built up to his rematch with Whiplash, which lasted like 45 seconds, which was even shorter than his first fight with Whiplash. The 45 seconds weren’t bad, but could we have some more of them?

  6. I know I’m in the minority here, but the first Ironman also sucked

    • I kind of agree. I saw Dark Knight just before seeing it and thought…wow…that movie sure is no Dark Knight.

    • I totally agree. I avoided it but bloggers who I like and respect including the blog we are currently commentating on, were all so in love with it that I had to check it out. Woof. So bad.

    • I’m with you. But I actually think pretty much *all* of these megablockbuster comic book movies suck.

      I go in with low hopes, yet they still manage to let me down. By the end, it’s just fucking subwoofers and visual splenda.

      OK I said it.

      Reload the rocket launchers in your downvotemobiles.

  7. I liked the movie but definitely had some gripes
    why all the puns? hammerhoids? really?
    also does Jon Favreau drive his car at Mach 5, since he seems to just travel freely between California and New York instantaneously
    speaking of things happening way too fast, the whole conflict resolution with Tony and Pepper, and Tony and James happened waaaaayyy too quickly- you don’t just got to you’re an asshole Tony to I want to marry you Tony when he says he almost died

    But I think making Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth likable moves it into the B range alone

    • While i do believe movies should come with more puns, “hammerhoids” is an unacceptable pun that should never be used ever.

      But because you did say there were lots of puns, i’ll still see it. I also like wasting money.

      • “DROP YOUR SOCKS AND GRAB YOUR CROCS THIS RIDE’S ABOUT TO GET WET”

        Me: “BAHAHAHAHA WHAAAA-”
        Rest of theatre: “….”

  8. whoops. i haven’t seen it yet and based one the two sentences I will probably NOT HATE IT!
    because now my expectations are lowered (lower than low? yipes). THANKS GABE!

  9. The first Iron Man was In’N'Out Burger.
    Iron Man 2 was McDonalds.

    • I personally find McDonalds better than In N Out.

      This might be blasphemous since I have only been to California one time, but my friends did make us go there 3 times over the span of 2 days. It just did not at all live up to the hype.

      • Oh its definitely overhyped, and In-n-Out fans are kooky, but it is still pretty good. Its basically the Radiohead of fast food.

        • i downvoted you because Radiohead is so awesome and you are wrong about this analogy.

          • I upvoted and canceled out your downvote because both Radiohead and In-n-Out are awesome. So despite the intent, the analogy works.

            Kind of like how Chick-fil-a is the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers of fast food. (Because they are both awesome but have been around forever so people forget about them.)

          • I upvoted you because your point was that Radiohead is good and that it is not overhyped, correct?

          • oh great. now I’ve been downvoted!! you are cruel, you hamburger-loving lukewarm-to-Radiohead monsters.

          • In-n-Out:Radiohead::Subway:The Hold Steady. Amidoingthisright? (Why do I get the feeling that the music commentary on here is better than Stereogum?)

          • That’s appropriate because I love Subway (I know, weird/gross) and I love the Hold Steady…for the same reasons?

    • So they both make children happy?

      Apt comparison!

  10. I think the most convincing portrayal in this whole thing was Mickey Rourke’s fingernails playing demon lizard talons, because those things were straight nasty.

  11. No mention of Scarlett Johansson? AKA the reason I watched this movie? Because she was the reason I watched this movie.

  12. You forgot all the most important parts: 1) Scarlett Johansson in a catsuit, 2) Gary Shandling, 3) Stan Lee being mistaken for Larry King, 4) Bill O’Reilly being his own douchebag self

  13. Oh no monsters! I LOVED this movie! I think Robert Downy Jr. is just so the best at acting and I can’t help but want to be one of those girls he takes home (coughlookatmynickname) because he is so good at being such a beautiful asshole.

    Also I was so pleased at how not terrible Scarlett Johansson was! I thought she was going to be SO BAD but she was just sort of THERE instead! And her combat was beautiful! She’s beautiful!

    Also I’m a nerd and I love this franchise with my whole American and confusing and sexy heart.

    • I also ENJOYED it.

    • Her fighting was great. Everything else… not so much.

      • Everytime I see Scarlett Johansson in a movie it’s like that one Seinfeld episode where Jerry’s brain plays his penis in a chess game. She is so purty but I can’t stand her acting “style”, which basically consists of delivering her lines as if she just woke up from a nap. I think when I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona I literally said outloud “will somebody get her a cup of coffee? Red Bull? Something?! Wake the fuck up!”. But then she probably leaned in a way where her super huge boobs were kind of visible and I forgave her immediately.

        Being a dude is complicated, you guys.

        • While I was watching the Black Widow & Happy vs. Hammer Security Goons fight, all I could think about was how much more awesome that scene would’ve been if Bill Murray had been cast as Happy Hogan, just jumping around The-Man-Who-Knew-Too-Little/Charlie’s-Angels-style.

          Also, I know they wanted to avoid repetitive actions in that scene, but if all the Black Widow’s gadgets are small discs on a change belt or whatever, then I don’t understand why she doesn’t just stock herself full of those taser discs she used immediately. They worked REALLY WELL. Save your energy, Natasha. Geez…

  14. i was going to post this in the thread about the lazer eye sheep, but i was afraid it would just get lost and i would really like Nakedpainter to see this because i promise you, naked painter, that if you were to leave this world your son would miss you terribly. my best friend lost her father to depression when she was 13 and is currently trying to make a documentary about him. “I will be shooting a documentary this summer, when I go home, with the intention of exploring the life and death of my father through the people that knew him best as well as his own writings and videos, hoping to learn about the man I was only beginning to know and connect to on an adult level.” here is a link with more info on the film:
    http://www.indiegogo.com/Currently-Untitled

    i know that most of us monsters work hard and are broke, at least i know i am, but if any of you would like to help Cynthia with her project there is a “fund this project” button and i know every dollar helps. Thanks to everyone who has already donated i know it means the world to Cynthia, and please Naked Painter think of cynthia, and your son, next time you are feeling like leaving this world. No one can replace you.

  15. Well, I liked it! I must be in the minority of monsters who likes alien/superhero/Armageddon movies to be full of puns and cheesy action. “Welcome to Earth!” right, Will Smith?!

    Except Spiderman 3. Not cool, Sam Raimi. In summary, I guess it’s a fine line between cheesy and pukey.

    The more you know!

  16. This was definitely not a very good movie. On the other hand, it’s hard to hate the Iron Man franchise, mainly because it doesn’t seem to take itself very seriously (kind of like the AC/DC music it features, zing). Like, ok, the movie was a plotless mess with no stakes that somehow simultaneously had too much going on and not enough going on, but at the same time, on the scale of Superhero movies, it’s kind of a breezy relief. Not the breezy relief the first one was, but still not half as up-its-own-ass as the Batman or Spiderman franchises (both of which can be great, don’t get me wrong).

    As for the Stark Expo, I think Gabe missed something most people born after 1960 would have probably missed, which is that it was not supposed to be a weapons or tech convention, but a new Word’s Fair. His dad died during the era when World’s Fairs still happened, and he was apparently trying to design his own, but then he died and so did the whole idea of World’s Fairs (often called “Expositions”), and apparently Tony Stark was trying to bring them back. They usually lasted all year and featured temporary utopian “cities,” just like the one we saw in the movie and on the diorama thing. So there’s that.

  17. Not that it matters but my 2 cents:
    -Paltrow was actually the worst thing. This may come as a shock to you all but I don’t normally hate her all that much (not that I like her all that much, but I typically can tolerate her) but she was over-the-top annoying in IM2. Her non-stop screeching in the Gran Prix scene for example was especially grating. This might seem like small potatoes but that leads me to…
    -This movie was all about the little things. Sam Rockwell’s little mannerisms, Robert Downey Jr. doing little things like stopping the pendulum thing on Pepper’s desk, the “coconut and metal” line. It was clear the movie’s plot and characters were going to be ridiculous from the moment Mickey Rourke was introduced chilling with a cockatoo and letting it drink from his pimp cup. So while I don’t disagree with Gabe about some points regarding the story, I still walked out of the theatre feeling pleased. Not as pleased as after the first one, but I think considering we could have had a “Revenge of the Fallen” sized clunker on our hands…it wasn’t that terrible.

    • Paltrow was like nagnagnagnagnag in this movie, which I get is the point of her character kind of, but why would anyone want to hit that?!

      It was also awesome when they were hooking up on the roof and Don Cheadle was all like “Get your own DAMN roof!!”, which is totally something a Will Smith character would totally say.

      COCKBLOCKED BY WAR MACHINE, STARK!

    • Because I really like Sam Rockwell and LURV, loav, and luff RDJ, but I hate big blockbuster movies, I have mixed feelings about seeing this. Would you say that that what those guys add to the movie balance out GP’s awfulness and the stupidness?

  18. needs less tony stark and more tony starks.

  19. In about thirty minutes, this will be reposted with the title “The Hunt for the Worst Movie Ever Made: Iron Man 2″.

  20. The BEST part was when Robert Downey saw a hot model standing beside his racecar, and he absolutely unironically used the KILLER line “……do you come with the car?!”, which is like, pick up line numero uno In the Universal Book of Pick-Up Lines.

    And it WORKED, because it’s Robert Downey Jr, and anything would have worked, nodoyoyoyoyoy

  21. I actually left the theater violently angry. This was a textbook example of ‘playing it safe’ ‘Focus Group based’ film. Favreau delivered a watered down formulaic and procedural version of what could have been a great movie. Stellar cast, great premise – Mickey Rourke’s revenge angle – , great villain and if I’m not mistaken a huge budget. But fucking Favreau was too scared to focus on a dark ‘Demon in a bottle’ type storyline and pandered to the 7 year olds and their parents just to make sure that the opening weekend gross was as HUGE as possible. I mourn the lost potential of this emotionally dead franchise and I promised myself that I wouldn’t watch part three as a matter of principle.

    *Unless offcourse it’s directed by Chris Nolan -Highly Unlikely- or Rian Johnson (Brick, The Brothers Bloom) or any other vision driven director and not a corporate stooge like fucking Favreau.

    *Fuck You Favreau, You Ruined My Favourite Superhero And Now I Have To Wait Like 10 Years At Least For A Franchise Reboot.

    *Fuck You Favreau, You Fat Fuck.

  22. Mickey Rourke was some sort of Tesla-obsessed dominatrix.

  23. OK, so this is gonna be a long one:
    Point 1: I like films which forego a constant stream of plot development with sly asides, smart banter and character interaction. Iron Man did it quite well. Iron Man 2 did it more so, and sort of went over the edge. The pace of the film was consistently messed up by Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow talking over the top of each other about stuff WE DON’T CARE ABOUT!
    Point 2: The action scenes were well directed but were resolved either illogically or too quickly.
    Point 3: We really don’t care about the Avengers. Stop making prequels to films that don’t exist yet.
    Point 4: Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell were good, and their characters were good, but they weren’t used well. Character overload shunted them from the limelight, with important and potentially interesting backgrounds glossed over so we could hear about the intricacies of MULTI-BILLIONAIRE Tony Stark’s (white people’s) troubles.
    Point 5: Firing a FUCKING laser into a FUCKING triangle does not a new element make. I am half-way through a physics degree. Suspension of disbelief, sure, but this just pissed me off.
    Point 6: Scarlett Johansson did a good job, a much better job than I expected, and she confirmed that she’s in it for more than just fanboy drool.
    Point 7: Somehow, despite this, I didn’t think it was too bad. There’ll be way worse, way dumber blockbusters this year.

    • A lot of people care about the Avengers and that all these films are part of a larger continuity akin to how the comics are set up. I never dreamed we’d see competent comic book films let alone a continuity system between them. I , for one, am thankful.

      • OK, I shouldn’t have said nobody cares about it. I imagine now Joss Whedon is involved a lot of people are really looking forward to it. But could they maybe leave the Avengers stuff to, y’know, The Avengers? Instead of putting it into films that aren’t The Avengers.
        I’m just saying, it says “Iron Man 2″ on my ticket stub, not “The Avengers: Prequel”. I was expecting to get Iron Man 2.

        • I’ve heard a lot of complaints like this, but I actually thought the movie did a pretty good job at minimizing Avengers stuff. It was like three scenes, max, and they were some of the better scenes in the movie.

        • But if you are going to see Iron Man 2, a sequel, why wouldn’t you be interested in seeing another film with that same character in it? Why wouldn’t the notion of a team of super heroes from other films and RDJ’s Iron Man excite you?

          • I guess I like films to have self-contained plots, and I don’t like films that were made to maximise franchise potential. The idea of a team of super heroes does interest me, but so far only one member of the team has been brought to screen (maybe two if you count Norton’s Hulk), and it’s expected to be two years from being released. I prefer films to take the Inception route, where a team of very talented writers and actors making a high-budget, high-concept but low-publicity film.
            I think somewhere around sentence two I started rambling. Sorry

          • I fully agree with your sentiments, but also I understand a film company needs to MAKE MONEY. They need to drum up interest and expectation in that film from all angles because if Thor and Captain America underperform they need Iron Man 2, a film that had a guaranteed massive audience, to help plant the seed.

            Also, Inception is my most anticipated film of the summer but I don’t see how they could give them such a massive budget and then under-promote the thing. That’s just a bad business move.

          • Well, I think with Inception it’s because they trust Chris Nolan, and they trust the $1bn he made with Dark Knight (completely different film I know, but still). It wasn’t a bad business move, it was just a risky one. And it might not pay off, I guess. But it’s good to see a major movie company is still willing to take risks.

          • Obviously we have not seen it, but Nolan’s track record is pretty great. It will probably be a good film and I want a lot of people to see it. So the under-promotion (while awesome because it isn’t revealing too much about the plot) has me miffed.

      • Nerd alert.

  24. Not to get all sciencey and stuff, but there is no way you could make an element by shining a laser on something. Like at all and forever.
    New elements are synthesized by shooting protons and small particles at other atoms at ridiculously high speeds to incite nuclear processes to occur, not from a laser.
    I understand the idea of a suspension of disbelief and hooray superheroes, but come on. Science fiction should at least be based in some sort of real science, that is what makes it transportive. With intelligence and maybe a couple extra bends of physical laws characters we relate to do amazing things and become heroes. But total disregard of the world for the sake of making an already huge asshole look mystical and a single sarcastic super computer quip ruin it.

    • I got from the whole piping and stuff that was put across the room that it was meant to be a particle accelerator. A particle accelerator that must therefore be shooting an electron/proton beam. Except it looked like a laser. And if you point it at a triangle, new elements happen.
      Also, the “laser” destroyed the entire wall but didn’t destroy the glass that it was being defracted through? Because Physics, right Iron Man 2 guys?
      I think I am well within my rights to say “ugh”, so here goes.
      UGH.

      • That must be the smallest most non-based on magnetic acceleration particle accelerator ever.

        I will say on a positive note, that as a result of movies like this when I tell people I use a laser as a tool in my research they almost uniformly respond with ‘AHHHH.’

        • You use a laser as a tool in your research?
          I am immediately interested. What exactly is your research?
          (On a side note, refracted, not defracted. I am so ashamed right now.)

          • A science side conversation, people must be loving this.

            But I work on the chemistry side of things. I use UV Raman spectroscopy to study different aromatic hydrocarbons as potential by products in catalyzed reactions where gasoline and long chain hydrocarbons are synthesized from methanol or ethylene. My study mostly concerns looking a specific class of compounds and identifying correspondences between structural and spectral patterns in the molecules.

            Come on everyone SCIENCE IS FUN.

          • Aromatic hydrocarbons? WHAT DO THEY SMELL LIKE?

          • my boyfriend is a physicist, and he will speak to me at great lengths about the stuff he is doing, while i sit there, pretending to understand. thats what reading this comment was like. i have the urge to say, “wow, that’s really interesting, sweetie”, and buy you a beer.

      • NEEEEEEEEERD!

    • You know, a lot of stuff bugged me about this movie, but the new-element laser was not among them.

      That’s probably due in large part to the fact that I know very little about the creation of new elements, and if Tony Stark had to save his life by creating a new way to use an apostrophe or something I’d be outraged.

      But when I saw that scene and began to scoff (because even my English degree knows that’s not how elements are created, and it’s just an unthinking piece of paper), I remembered this quote from the first movie:

      “TONY STARK made one of these in a CAVE! With a box of SCRAPS!”

      And I decided that if I bought the premise of Stark taking an energy generator that takes up like 5,000 cubic feet and shrinking it to the size of a baseball, in a cave in Afghanistan, when the top scientists in the world couldn’t duplicate the feat in high-tech labs – I had pretty much bought into the idea that Tony Stark was a member of a very small class of scientist-magicians.

    • But are comics really SF or are they boy’s adventure fiction with Ben-Day colors and entirely decorative, “sciency” aspects for the allure and authority they provide? I’m thinking of the Tom Swift books, for instance.

  25. What about when Don Cheadle described Tony and Pepper’s macking it as “two seals fighting over a grape”? That scene should have been five times as long. More Don Cheadle one-liners, please.

  26. My favorite part was Sam Rockwell’s bronzer-covered palms, which is incidentally the name of your new pop-punk band.

  27. Iron Man 2 for Best Comedy

  28. I’m not a robot mechanic or a physics major, but I’m pretty sure Mickey Rourke should wear a shirt underneath his super energized electro-whip suit cause, you know, hot metal and stuff (science).
    But then I thought about it and realized, if I was 60 and had a face that looked like beef jerky but was super buff I would go shirtless too. So well done on being way more muscles than you should be at your age Mickey Rourke! Can’t fault you for that.

  29. I enjoyed it. My only two complaints were the very short action sequences could have been doubled. I wished to see more Black Widow ass kicking. Second, the entire middle sequence with Sam Jackson was awkward and unnecessary. They could have cut that out and the John Slattery sequence and it would have improved the movie by at least 35%. But any movie that makes me want Gwyneth Paltrow to live is A-OK in my book.

  30. I also thought the ad for Hasbro’s “Thor’s Hammer” after the credits was rather crass.
    I was like, “Yeah, we know! Toy hammers exist! DUH!”

  31. Did you guys stick around for the scene at the end?

    I can’t wait for that movie about the Hammer Bros. from Super Mario. Do you think they will join The Avengers?!?!?!

  32. I’m sure Gabe has hit the nail on the head with this breakdown but Robert Downey Jr. is in a special class of actors, I’ll watch Robert Downey jr. in anything. They could make a movie just showing Robert Downey jr. doing his laundry for two hours and somehow it would be entertaining.

    • They could do whole music videos with RDJ lip-synching to Elton John songs… and, oh. waitaminute.

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  33. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • GHOST WORLD
      AMERICAN SPLENDOR
      ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL
      PERSEPOLIS
      WALTZING WITH BASHIR
      SCOTT PILGRIM
      30 DAYS OF NIGHT
      the list goes on…

      Would you like to specify what types of comic books you’re referring to?

      • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

        • Sooooo, the gist of your argument is that every single comic-book in existence is about a superhero that could not possible live in the real world and has no connection to the reality whatsoever.
          Well, good luck with that.

        • There’s also:
          Road To Perdition
          A History of Violence
          From Hell
          V For Vendetta
          and
          Weird Science

          If you would like to read up on things that actually happened on planet Earth in comic book form there are also the graphic novels

          the aforementioned
          PERSEPOLIS
          WALTZ WITH BASHIR
          and then there is
          Fax From Sarajevo
          MAUS
          Tales From the Heart
          the list goes on…

          • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

          • “i could list a ton of novels i’ve read, and if you dismiss them in place of graphic novels/comic books, you’re the dude that looks like a childish faggot living in a fantasy world”
            Would this fantasy world be the one in which it is IMPOSSIBLE to read and enjoy both novels and comic books?

          • The written word has been around forever. The comic book has been around for a century. Whatever holier-than-thou hang-ups you have that keep you ignorant of the potential of the medium is a strike against you, not me. I love all books, words and pictures.

          • Uh oh, Steve Winwood, looks like the game’s afoot! My money’s on the newcomer.

          • I think I get what you’re trying to say, even if you’re needlessly being a dick about it. I think that our obsession with over-the-top escapist entertainment can lead down a dangerous path. I would argue it already has. It’s sad when something like Twilight can make hundreds of millions of dollars more than a Synecdoche, NY or In the Loop. Of course we’re all better off reading Dostoevsky than watching Fantastic 4 2 Tha Streetz. But does mindless entertainment have no place in a society? In the era of niche-media, isn’t there room for both?

            Anyway, don’t be such a pretentious faggot.

          • @That One “I think that our obsession with over-the-top escapist entertainment can lead down a dangerous path.”
            I would like to add that I too am fully on board with this statement.

            But the point that nightheat completely missed and proceeds to be an absolute brute about is that not all comics (and then films based on comics) are about superheroes, which is what he initially was railing against.

            There are many comic books that are currently addressing any number of issues. De-militarized zones? Sure. Struggling with health problems and facing great odds? Uh huh. Rising geopolitical tensions? Of course. The spectrum is as vast as cinema, television and traditional literature.

            Narrative art is a tool to communicate ideas, just like any other medium.
            And just like any of the other mediums, for every Synechdoche, NY, Slaughterhouse Five, The Wire or Treme, there are 20 All About Steve’s, Dan Brown best-sellers, or Tyler Perry’s House of Payne’s taking up space, providing poor-quality, brainless escapism, sticking all our heads into the proverbial yogurt cups. It’s the nature of the beast.

            nightheat, get your head of that yogurt cup, in general. I don’t care if you never read a comic book. Just try not to be such a snotty, repugnant, allegedly well-read bundle of stupid sticks.

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          • Wow! Even when you started your comment with a quote it still started with ‘whatever.’ Color me impressed.

          • MAUS. Find The Watermelons.

        • So, you are a thinker and not a doer. Thinking about the Gulf oil spill isn’t going to cap off that sucker any quicker.

          • He’s not just thinking…he’s reading, faggot.

          • “I’ll Read about that Oil Spill until it Loves me, Faggot.”
            – Nightheat (AKA Wrrrrrr) 1985-2012

          • Ass Dan wrote: “Uh oh, Steve Winwood, looks like the game’s afoot! My money’s on the newcomer.”

            Oh please… How many times do I have to say this? The upvotes and downvotes you get don’t matter at all. Stop obsessing about that crap.

            And if all it takes to get worst commentator of the week or whatever is to use the word faggot, then does that mean if someone cares about that nonsense all they have to do is write faggot over and over again? Like faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot

        • p.s. I’m reading Metamorphosis, watching The Wire and Collapse SIMULTANEOUSLY, eating a locally grown, organic, tempeh-and-eggplant sandwich, masturbating to politically-progressive female-empowerment porn, listening to All Things Considered WHILE donating to flood relief AND typing a message on a silly pop-culture blog about how people who like comic book movies are faggots.

          Checkmate.

        • he must have been molested by a comic book as a small child…

        • All that reading and you still think it’s clever to use “faggot” as an insult?

        • nightheat: “no one should have fun with their imaginations”

    • This is the worst endorsement for Treme I’ve seen.

    • “Imagination is for faggots.”

      - nightheat’s tombstone

    • Don’t feed the troll, y’all.

    • I seem to recall you commenting a lot last year and it seemed to be perfectly relevant non-controversial stuff. But over the last couple of months almost everything you’ve posted has been dickish and intentionally provocative, as if you are looking for people to fight with.

      Anyways, I thought you would like to know that I’ve been monitoring your jerk metamorphosis.

      Signed,
      A Huge Nerdy Faggot

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      • Do what you will but I will warn you that Iron Man 2 is currently the number 1 movie in the UK, France, Germany, Austria, Turkey, Russia and Italy so…you know, good luck with that.

        • And it would probably be the number 1 movie in Greece too, if all their cineplexes weren’t being converted into soup kitchens at the moment.

      • You can hate those things all you want, but there is no reason to call other people “faggots” for disagreeing with you. That’s just insulting and completely unnecessary.

        • I agree. It’s stupid. If you can call people faggot or drop the N bomb or whatever then it is just incumbent on Gabe to just ban people for doing that type of thing. I guess. If he cares. Or not. Doesn’t matter. Life goes on.

          • Yeah but, as you can see above, it is often very hilarious to make fun of people who use the word faggot. And you don’t really feel bad about it! Gabe can’t deprive us of that.

          • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

          • You just used pwn. Like as a thing.
            Who is immature? Is it still not you?
            Because I think it is you, nightheat.

      • Sorry. Europe’s full. Yep. Just checked. And we’re closed. i know it doesn’t sound closed.

  34. I thought it was pretty good, though, I thought they had a little too much of the suits in this one. As far as the new element goes, I was under the impression he was making some sort of particle accelerator in his basement, not a lazer. I don’t know if that makes a difference, but it makes more sense to me. It only seemed easy to do, because it was a montage.

    Also, I didn’t like the new triangle on his chest, I like circles better, I guess. I did, however, enjoy his fancy new lazer gadgets. pew pew pew.

  35. I really liked this movie!

    The End.

  36. Are you guys really debating the plausibility of a comic book movie?

    “Lazers can’t make elements! Pfffttt!”
    “Hey, look…a threeway fight between 3 grown men in giant metal suits in the middle of Queens without some sort of military or police intervention…AWESOME!”

    • Yeah… but the cat’s pretty much out of the bag as far as the connection between nerds and comic books, right? The writers had to know that (a) nerds know what elements are, (b) nerds know that “discovering a new element” is about as likely as discovering a new integer,* and (c) nerds know that you don’t shoot a homemade particle accelerator blah blah blah. So why does it have to be an element? Make it a compound and nobody would give a shit that the glowy magic triangle powers the suit.

      If the Batman movies repeatedly had Batman call bats “the dark birds of the night,” you couldn’t blame nerds for repeatedly mumbling “bats aren’t birds.” And it would take the nerds’ dates out of the movie, and lead to unrest and possible divorce. Is that what you want, ghostdad? The dissolution of the family unit?

      * Unless it’s a really big, completely unstable, radioactive element that shouldn’t be placed in the hero’s chest.

      • I am a nerd, and I didn’t care about this at all. I DID find it really funny when J.A.R.V.I.S. said “You have discovered a new element,” though. It sounded like when you advance a level in a crappy computer game.

      • As someone who counts Point Break in my top 5 favorite movies believability is not my main standard of judging movies entertainment value. However, when the movie is based around an inventor who uses his brain to apply new technology for good I think that the technology should at least be somewhat realistic. So I will go along with the arc reactor, I will go along with a suit made of super special alloy or different weaponry he is able to utilize in the suit. That is the one leap I was willing to make for this movie. Not that he is in general able to invent whatever he wants and personally has the resources and capabilities of a fully staffed federal lab.
        If we are playing cops and robbers hell yeah I want my heroes to be awesome, but when a movie is about how a person uses their brains and not sinewy brawn hopefully that brain can do some research too.
        How about he synthesizes a new compound. It is not that he should not invent but just that they should not have been so lazy in the writing.

        • I agree that inventing a new element is a little over the top, but I think you are giving Stark a pass on being able to invent/manufacture certain things, but denying the possibility of this event when, it falls within those same boundaries. I mean, if the suit and miniaturized arc reactor are any indication, he can invent anything he wants, and has more resources and capabilities than a federal lab.

          It reminds me of the scene from the first movie when Stane is trying to get his team to make a miniaturized arc reactor, and the head scientist says, “it’s impossible, the technology doesn’t exist yet, ” and then Stane yells, “Tony Stark built one…in a cave!”

          Really, though, it was just a device to keep Tony ahead of the pack with his technology. Everyone else got the arc reactor, so he needed some next-level shit to stay ahead of the game. The government would probably just arrest him if he wasn’t decades ahead of them.

          Anyway, I disagree with you that the possibility for this type of invention is outside the framework of what has been set for this universe so far, but I still think you are a radical dude.

  37. I don’t know about you guys, but I thought the Mongolian baby really stole the show. He really showed that asshole brother of his who’s boss. So cute!

  38. Iron Man needs more Sam Rockwell as does everything else in the world.

  39. Not that I thought that this movie was great or anything but two holes that you poked that I thought weren’t particularly holes were:
    1) Tony stark was drunk when Don Cheadle beat him in his iron suit so maybe it wasn’t that inconceivable.
    2) The reason he had to point the laser to the triangle was because he had created a mini hadron collider (which perhaps creates a bigger plot hole, but that’s another story) and that relies on the fact that the track is in a circle with no sharp turns, so he had to manually use a mirror to target the triangle.

    • There is no reasonable explanation for that stupid element-creation scene. If it really was a miniature particle accelerator then the idea of breaking the circle and pointing and shooting it is LOL– you’re shooting the particles you built the thing to accelerate out, and they would all be gone in like a millisecond. That was just the moviemakers trying to throw in some modern experimental physics and hoping the audience they assume is retarded will give them the benefit of the doubt.

  40. It is hard enough to feel emotionally invested in a fight scene when the helmets are down but fighting against ‘drones’ is always going to be boring. When there are 15 identical robots without human drivers trying to kill you, none of them are going to do any significant damage to the hero and they can generally be dispatched en masse without the audience caring (or being particularly impressed). Not the only fault of the movie but action scene should always be between two living things imo or else there are no real stakes.

  41. Yeah. Complaining about using a laser to make a new element is silly.

    Hardly anything in film is scientifically accurate. On top of that, it’s a fictional film, popcorn-summer blockbuster based off of a comic book! People are already complaining there wasn’t enough action in the film; doing a reasonably true to life montage of Tony Stark going through the trials and errors of attempting to create a new element would have really upped the entertainment factor. (As a side note, Michael Crichton once gave an insightful speech on the portrayal of science and scientists in film which you can read here: http://www.michaelcrichton.net/speech-scienceviewsmedia.html )

    I can be one of the most critical people when it comes to film, but look at the film. Iron Man was a fun, if incredibly flawed film that had no business being as entertaining as it ended up being. It had the explosions, special effects, blaring music that are the required staples of every summer blockbuster , but it also had superb acting and while the script’s structure had issues, the dialogue was sharp and refreshingly decent. I still feel the opening scene of Iron Man is not only one of the tightest, well executed I’ve seen in a Hollywood blockbuster film film in a while, but it perfectly encapsulates what you are going to get in the rest of the film.

    Iron Man 2 delivers in those same categories. Yes, the pacing is slower. Yes, they tried to cram too much in to the film. Yes, I was having flashbacks to good old Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith when Rourke exclaims “GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! (breathe in) GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” Yes, the film has a lot of issues, but Iron Man had just as many of its own issues.

    Iron Man was great despite of itself because of Robert Downey Jr. (not to disrespect the rest of the cast, but the films just would not be the same without him) and its pleasantly good dialogue. Neither of those has changed in Iron Man 2. One would hope that Favreau would have managed to build upon the original, to create a second film that retained its positives while fixing its (and his) shortcomings, and in that he fails. That being said, if an honest comparison is made between the two films, I would argue that Iron Man 2 is no less entertaining then Iron Man.

  42. I spent the whole length of this film thinking, “Wow, I find Mickey Rourke to be very attractive. Oh my god, do I have a brain tumor?” It was an uncomfortable situation.

  43. Gabe, turn off your daddymonsterbrain (because essentially you’re our dad) for five seconds and enjoy some crap! geeez!

  44. Iron Man was meh. But did you guys see the Inception trailer?! So much yes.

  45. That Scarlett sure is good at poses. So many poses in that movie!

  46. paltrow is tagged first – no matter how many astericks you put in there to say she is awful, your love runs so deep.

  47. I did not hate this, but it wasn’t “good” either. Were we meant to be surprised that Tony & Pepper were dating? Or did they only start dating (kissing) at the end of the movie? And what happened to the original russian cockatoo?

  48. Oh, Iron Man 2. Why couldn’t you just let Robert Downey Jr. be great?

  49. I agree. This movie was the Daredevil of Iron Man movies. How bad is it when the best part of the movie is Tony Stark’s snarky quips?

  50. I think the Whiplash Whopper has spicy mayonnaise because it is shockingly good. It gives a jolt to your taste buds, and will double the cycles on your bowel movements.

  51. My problem with Iron Man 2 is that it is not even trying to take itself seriously, so that the next batch of superhero movies will have the bar lowered for them too. I also confess to not caring about superheroes at all. I love graphic novels and comics but I never read about superheroes because they are adolescent wish-fulfillment. The upcoming Avengers movie does not sound interesting either because a team? of superheroes? all hanging out in their costumes? and costumes, for fuck’s sake?

    I am only really sad because I think these superhero movies are going to be with us for a long time, and they will continue to be worse than their predecessor, so that in 10 years time we will look back in loving fondness on the genius of Fantastic Four and Iron Man 2. Who will be carrying the flame in the shopping cart then, eh?

  52. Needed. More. Dancing.

    At least Spider-Man 3 was fun to watch… Who at Marvel decided that the first Iron Man was TOO much fun and felt that the sequel should have a muddled, boring midsection… cuz they need a raise! An epic fail like that is all too rare.

    • As bad as that lame dancing thing is it is still not as bad as EVERYTHING ELSE to do with the Spider-Man movies. God I hated those and couldn’t deal with being the only person alive who thought those movies were ultra lame. “Hey I’m an actual guy consisting of solid matter in a spider-man costume and I’m going to jump off camera over here for a second and – WHOOPS now I’m a CGI fake jpeg floating around on a computer screen, wheeeeee!” [Insert lame dialogue and crap here that all critics everywhere enjoyed]. And scene.

  53. I thought the movie was fun, but if we’re going to state the one (out of many, many) senseless thing that really irked us, it was the two female characters, both very intelligent, empowered, and naturally attractive women, tottering around in 10 inch heels and full body corsets the whole time. Okay, they’re hot. They’ve got great bods. I get it. But really? I could tell Scarlett was having trouble walking in those babies, and that was in a world that wasn’t actually filled with explosions, gunfire, etc. Buy some sneaks.

  54. I like banter in movies. Iron Man had a lot of banter. I liked Iron Man.

    Iron Man 2 had a lot of banter. I liked Iron Man 2.

    Also: Iron Man 2 was very similar to Iron Man. Same strengths and weaknesses IMO.

  55. I agree with a lot of this post. Here is my review: http://www.cinemaenthusiast.com/iron-man-2010/

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