Goodbye, Betty White. Hello, Andy Rooney! In this week’s episode of 60 Minutes, Andy reminded us, as if we needed reminding, that he is so, SO old, with an essay about how he doesn’t know who Lady Gaga is:

Oh, Andy Rooney. The thing that separates you from the “average” American isn’t not knowing who Justin Bieber is, it’s being 340 years old! Turns out that is not the average age! I also love how he tries to take us all down Thoughtful Lane with his expose on how people of all ages love ice cream, and how that is why people of all ages should like the same music (ragtime), but then goes on to say that he considers himself to be someone who doesn’t like music? WAY TO BURY THE LEDE, ANDY ROONEY. If you’re going to talk about how you don’t know who or what anything is, maybe START with the fact that you don’t care about it. THEN get into how you are the oldest living creature on the planet (in your face, giant sea turtles!). (Via GotchaMedia.)

Comments (66)
  1. Gabe needs to focus less on people whose lives are nearly over and more on people whose marriages are almost over.. *ahem* Gwyneth Paltrow *ahem* amirite guys?

  2. Sting, his most recent example of music he knows, was made famous thirty-three years ago? Look, Rooney, I know that you’re old and forget things, but music genres, headlining artists, and popular opinion change more than once every forty years.

  3. Gabe is so old just like Andy Rooney is so old! ZING!

  4. andy rooney is from a generation of people who were all trying to be as normal as possible. they were excited to be middle class because it meant they werent poor anymore. these kids today (people under 45) are all striving to be different and unique thanks to advertising and aggressive self esteem curriculum in elementary school. andy rooney you are an outlier, not the average!

  5. I am now following his lead and saying her name “Lady Gahguh”

  6. old is the new black

  7. I would pay good money to have dinner with Andy Rooney.

    • That’s interesting, considering that television itself was invented so that people could avoid having dinner with Andy Rooney. You see, Andy Rooney was a close friend of Calvin Coolidge until Coolidge became President upon the death of Warren G. Harding, and he no longer had time to listen to Rooney’s shit. His advisers were tasked with coming up with something to get Rooney to leave Washington and stop bothering the President.

      They finally suggested that he begin a career in radio, because Rooney just would not shut up about anything that was on his mind at that particular. Plans were made to move Rooney to Newark, NJ, where he would be given an evening slot on the United Independent Broadcasters network (which would eventually become the Columbia Broadcasting System).

      Rooney was very technologically savvy, and realized the benefits of radio broadcasting immediately. He had been keeping tabs on advances in transmission technology and realized that radio would soon allow him the opportunity to have his program broadcast from any location on the East Coast. He would not be confined to Newark, and helped develop a studio in Washington DC which would allow him to remain near his dear friend, President Coolidge.

      The President was not happy. He quickly made request to have Rooney’s broadcast time moved to the dinner hour, so that he could at least dine in peace with his wife Grace. Rooney immediately began preparations to have a radio transmitter installed at the White House. On one occasion, he was heard telling the President: “It will be great! I can just talk into the microphone while we dine! Everyone will be able to sit around the radio cabinet and hear my insights, which is great because I’m just an average guy!”

      Understandably, this drove the President and his wife absolutely bonkers. Coolidge then secretly began the federal funding of research and development projects based on the newfangled “television” broadcasts of moving pictures on tiny screens. Finally, Rooney could be confined to a tiny room and was told to spout his nonsense at a camera, which was not even operational for the first two years of this secret project. The stock market crash of 1929 was a major setback to the Columbia Broadcast System’s efforts, and they would not have a fully operational television network until well over a decade later. However, Andy Rooney was kept in his studio every night for years, unaware that no one was actually seeing what he thought he was producing.

      Rooney’s wife was so grateful to have him out of the house that she orchestrated the elaborate ruse that he was indeed on televisions across the nation. His family and friends were more than happy to keep it up, because his rants were so tedious that people would agree to anything to avoid hearing them. They would commonly suggest that Rooney had already talked about something on television whenever he seemed about to break into another of his long-winded spiels about something mundane. However, the ruse nearly fell apart in the summer of 1978, and CBS was forced to give his rantings airtime on its flagship program, 60 Minutes.

      And that, children, is the story of why television was invented.

  8. i would make fun of him, but i was outraged yesterday that the new york times listed vampire weekend before pavement in a blurb about the sasquatch fest. the nerve!!!!

  9. Do you think he ever did anything really “naughty” during the 60′s that backfired and confirmed to him, for the remainder of his life, that he was just going to stick with being the dead-center, average American?

  10. Hey, it’s impressive that this guy only just lost the thread with Lady Gaga. I was always impressed with how current he stayed through psych, disco, hardcore, hair metal, hip hop, grunge, electronica, trip hop, noise and freak folk just to name a few. But alas, finally Bieber and Lady Gaga – two of the most easily accessible artists out there, threw him for a loop. Sorry you’ve lost your edge Andy Rooney.

  11. I know who Ella Fitzgerald is AND I know who Lady GaGa is… so consider us NOT even.

  12. “I’m cold…when are they serving dinner…this food it too salty.”

    - Andy Rooney

  13. You know, maybe being old isn’t so bad. He doesn’t know who Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber are? We should all be so lucky.

  14. Relax, Techno-Rooney.

  15. I bet he texts messages in all caps. And possibly Morse code.

    DOT DASH DOT DOT
    DASH DASH DASH
    DOT DASH DOT DOT

  16. In Andy Rooney’s defense, it’s probably very hard to stay hip to current trends, musical and otherwise, when you spend 23 hours a day in an iron lung in a sub-basement of the 60 Minutes headquarters.

  17. He’s right, I do like comfort.

  18. Forget it, Andy. It’s Gagatown.

  19. In their face of in his own face?

  20. Notes:
    “Musical groups” <–wow
    "Someone sent me a Billboard magazine" <–??
    "Lady Ga-guh" <–yes!
    Oh, and also: I feel the ghost of Lindsay in this article! She loved her some Rooney.

  21. Roo-roo-oo-oo-ooo
    Roo-ney, roo-ney-ney
    GaGuh, Ella-la
    Want your comfort and ice cream.

  22. You monsters can’t imagine how relieved I am to hear that being extremely rich is what’s normal. I was afraid that all this poverty I’ve been running into was also hassling morally responsible folk. But looks like it’s just me. Most people are handsomely compensated for exerting what looks like basically no effort during their segment on a top-rated news magazine that they have for some reason. Thank fucking god.

  23. “I must say, this is somewhat disheartening. I both know and love the work of Andy Rooney.”

    - Justin Beiber

  24. Just ROLF, Andy man. Tears in my eyes. Brilliant. This is a lost man. ROLF. I’m helpless I swear.

  25. Apt of him to compare Sting and the Rolling Stones with Lady Gungan and the Younging Biebes.

  26. No love for The Boss, Andy?

  27. Join my FB group:
    Andy Rooney to Host SNL (please?)!

  28. “Why do you kids like them if they don’t taste like apples?” -Andy Rooney

  29. The inkjet printer on the shelf behind him is the same model I owned 1990-1996. In just 5 more years, it will be a certified antique.

  30. Andy Rooney doesn’t know who Gaga is because he’s much more into rap. Of course rap is an acronym for rest and pudding.

  31. I’m less concerned that this is how Andy Rooney feels (he’s old, I understand) and more concerned that a respected television news program would allow him to talk about it in front of millions of viewers as though it’s some kind of breaking trend. Come on, 60 Minutes, you can do better.

  32. Goodbye, Betty White. In your face, giant sea turtles.

  33. This is interesting, from Wikipedia: “Andy Rooney’s head has descended one-half inch down his chest for every year he’s been alive.”

  34. Another reminder why we don’t need to show ranting individuals on air. It’s kind of just annoying. =(

  35. I really did love the part about ice cream.

  36. The funny thing is that in ten years, no one will know who Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber is either.

    “I’ve never heard of Robyn or Fastball” – Andy Rooney in 1996

  37. Andy Rooney’s a proto-blogger. I feel that we could get away with sitting him in front of a computer and telling him it’s a box full of ghosts that record the thoughts of Average Americans and letting him yell at it.

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