During the opening monologue of last night’s episode of The Jay Leno Show, Jay aired a screencap of a fake Facebook page for Faisal Shahzad, the alleged Times Square bomber. First of all, really, Jay Leno? Fake Facebook pages? I’m pretty sure George Lopez had a line item added to his TBS contract that said “no fake Facebook page sketches, too lame.” George Lopez! He’s the lamest! Even he knows! Anyway, the fake Facebook page (woof) included interests such as Rollerblading, and BLOWING UP NISSAN PATHFINDERS. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. I get it. Because he tried to blow up a Nissan Pathfinder in an act of violent terror in the middle of one of the most heavily trafficked tourist centers in the world, which also serves as a symbol of American promise and prosperity. LOLOLOL. Then, under affiliations, he had: Al Qaeda and Team Coco.

Wait a second.

Let me just get this straight. Jay Leno capitalized on an attempted terror attack on American soil, in New York city no less, where bad memories remain for most Americans concerning the last such event, a thwarted attack that serves to underline the TWO FUCKING WARS AMERICA REMAINS EMBROILED IN PROBABLY FOREVER, not to mention an attack that will inevitably keep us in the near-constant state of racist paranoia that has been the trademark of this new century, in order to score a cheap potshot against the dude who got fired so that Jay could keep his job? Do I have that right?

WOOOOOOOOF.

Now look:

I’m not saying that Faisal Shahzad’s terrorism FAIL is somehow too sacred to be made fun of. I don’t think that the international struggle between modern capitalist society and fanatical Islam (or other terrorist organizations) is going to be resolved or assuaged by NOT making jokes. Make jokes! Let’s have some fun in this life while we are still in it! Laughter is the best medicine unless the disease is having been blown up by a terrorist! In which case, take two heavens and call me in the morning! (I’m practically a doctor with all my insider’s knowledge of the jargon.) But if you haven’t been blown up then LAUGH AWAY.

But this?

Fuck that.

No one is as tired as I am of this protracted dispute between two multi-millionaires over an antiquated programming format that is literally on its last legs. But surely we can be adults about this. Surely, even those of us whose moral cores are so withered by our own self-serving greed as to think that an airplane hangar full of cars is reasonable and justified, and that retiring would be selfish because it would somehow put other professional adults with experience and qualifications who are working at the top of their industry out of work, even those of us who are like that can be GENTLEMEN about this. And avoid comparing the thousand-years-old violent cultural conflict that currently threatens to destroy the fabric of contemporary society to our goddamned TELEVISION PISSING MATCH. A television pissing match that by all accounts WE WON MONTHS AGO.

Great. Fucking Jay Leno. Now I need a nap. (Screengrab via DailyWhat.)

Comments (71)
  1. I’m surprised he didn’t use a fake Friendster profile.

  2. Remember the episode of the Simpsons where Krusty realizes what a hack all his success and money have turned him into and then he quits and becomes an edgy comic with his finger on the pulse?

    I hope Jay Leno never sees that episode.

  3. I wish I had a hangar full of carbombs.

  4. Are you tired easily when bench-pressing bloated celebrities? Then P90x is for you. Yes, even you. Bring it on! *seque informative commercial*

    P.S. Everything I learned about tv production came from Late Night and Sports Night.

  5. come on, son.

  6. Also, no reason to go after the Bridgeport Ultimate Frisbee Club like that.

    They are just tryin to toss the ‘bee around, man.

  7. UGH. Am I practicing The Secret right if I say to the universe that I would like for the tabloids to reveal that Leno has been cheating on Mavis for over a decade with some forehead-tattooed super skank so that he would have to endure a grand scale public shaming? Oprah? Someone tell me if I’m doing that right because I NEED this to happen.

  8. I’m surprised it didn’t lists his enemies as Denim an Airport Hangars full of classic cars

  9. I wonder what Jay Leno’s late mother would think of his behavior. She probably wouldn’t approve.

  10. I think that Leno should stick to his day job, which is being Captain Perspective (of course)

  11. At this point, blogging about Jay Leno being the worst is like blogging about racism being bad. Duhficionado indeed. I sympathize.

  12. Can you imagine the terrible jokes had the car been a Toyota?

  13. I’ve never been that anti-Leno through out this nonsense b/c, its business, man. Kabletown needs to do what Kabletown needs to do. Yeah, Conan got screwed and Conan is infinitely more talented and Leno is and asshole and etc etc. But C.R.E.A.M., lets move on. However, this is such a bullshit move by Leno and I now actively wish he’d crash one of those million dollar cars into a hot coco factory.

    • I think Conan has made good arguments against this: this doesn’t come down to C.R.E.A.M.

      A lot of people have thought about this a lot already so I’ll be quick.

      Conan didn’t fail to bring in the money for NBC. Almost nobody knew who he was in ’93. He built up an audience. He told them he wanted the show or he was leaving. They said put in your time, you’ll get it. He waited 5 years without going anywhere else. He brought his audience with him and now had a chance to build a bigger one. They gave him only 8 months. Then, after dragging him along 5 years, they suddenly wanted to change up the way the Tonight Show worked for the first time in 40 years and push it back later…

      Sorry, that wasn’t that quick. The point is, I don’t think there was any self-interested logic in NBC’s moves that Gordon Gecko would approve of. Money was of course INVOLVED, but this is much more a case of random decisions by people at NBC thinking they could have everything. and they were really bad ones. Maybe cash ruled everything, but also, they wouldn’t let the cash go to get their hand out of the jar. fucking idiots.

  14. I mean, to be fair, terrorists really love the masturbating bear.

  15. That bit is as dumb as a Bieber.

  16. I dunno, I’m pretty Team CoCo, but I figure if the shoe was on the other foot (I’m pretty sure the shoe would not BE on the other foot, because the other foot is FUNNY and has CLASS, but let’s just pretend), I probably would have had a mild chuckle and moved on with my day.

    I think what sucks about this joke is that it’s a big man kicking a guy while he’s down, who is down as a direct result of the big man, and who is self-deprecating enough to begin with, so it makes the big man look even more ego-maniacal than he already was. But we all knew Leno was a tool, so basically, my mind has not been further blown.

    Now if this was Conan making this joke, and the punchline was still “Team CoCo,” I probably would have diarrhea in my pants from all the laughing.

    • Wow, that’s the difference between the two comedians right there. They both would have used the same punchline.

      • It’s why a “conservative” “Daily Show” would never work. “So the Dumbocrats wouldn’t let us kick thousands of single moms off welfare? Can you believe these guys?”

  17. Beach Volleyball, Rollerblading, Frisbee

    I kind of like that that’s Leno’s idea (not Leno’s, his unforgivably untalented writers’) about whatever this random aspect of the joke should tepidly making fun of. Or use to look more authentically like a facebook page.

    Were they going for this guy having a ’80s California dude vibe? Is this a funny fuck-up cause it’s an out of touch person’s idea of what young people are like. Or what facebook is all about? Is this their best shot at accusing the dude of being a dork? or being gay?

    Is it totally meta and they are showing that a terrorist might be out of touch with what he should put down as his interests?

    I’m just pointing this out cause most of the time we don’t slow down, take a breath, and notice all the ways to analyze the details of shitty television writing.

  18. C’mon, everyone. These are guaranteed laughs.

    Favorite Music: Neil Diamond, Third Eye Blind, Blowing Up Nissan Pathfinders.

    Favorite TV Shows: America’s Funniest Videos, Blowing Up Nissan Pathfinders.

    Favorite Books: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Goosebumps, The Catcher in the Blowing Up Nissan Pathfinders.

    • C’mon, that right there is funnier than Jay’s actual multi-million-dollar professional joke. Goosebumps? Consider me killed (by the comedy of terror).

  19. Two things. First of all, “fanatical Islam” is not a “terrorist organization.” There are many terrorist organizations who can accurately be referred to as fanatically Islamic, but they’re not all working together nor do they have the same ideological features. Second, the “violent cultural conflict that currently threatens to destroy the fabric of contemporary society” is not primarily cultural nor is it a thousand years old. It’s almost entirely a product of the 20th century.

    Anyway, Jay Leno is a terrible person.

  20. Was this joke prefaced by a 15 minute explanation of the internet and Facebook for Jay’s audience?

    • “Ehhh, as some of you know, the kids are into — what are the kids into today, Kevin? Computers? The internet?”
      “I don’t know, Jay. Lots of things.”
      “Welllll, one thing the kids like, I’m told, is Facebook. It’s really popular. It’s what they call a, um, a ‘social network,’ and basically these kids go on and — and some adults, too, right, Kevin?”
      “Whatever you say, Jay.”
      “Well they go on and they type in what their hobbies and interests are, and maybe they upload a photo of themselves, and then they can email other kids with the same hobbies. Well, we got to thinking. This ‘social network’ seems like just the kind of thing that a terrorist might use to connect to other terrorists. And so we wondered if this Faisel Shoo-bee-zar, this Times Square bomber, excuse me, alleged, alleged Times Square bomber, if he had a Facebook page? Because he’s part of the Facebook generation. Kids will be kids. And sure enough — can we get that up on the screen? Can we get a look? Oh my gosh, there he is, ladies and gentlemen!”
      [Soulless applause from the crowd; the high-pitched laughter of dead-eyed glee]

    • I think you’re thinking of Nancy Franklin’s latest column.

  21. I’ve never seen dickishness to this level before and, being a dick myself, that’s saying a lot.

  22. Uggggggh. Fake facebook page: check. Tie in to Arizona immigration law: check. Homeland security joke: check. And yet nothing about the article CNN has been running with the headline “Times Square bomb suspect ‘didn’t like the sunlight’ “. Yes, that’s right. He was a terrorist AND a vampire. As we all know, the only thing worse then a terrorist is a terrovampist.

  23. Is retaliation supposed to be fun? Stooping to Leno’s writers’ level wasn’t very fun just now. It seemed like an annoying chore.

  24. im surprised he didnt buy the car

  25. between tila, tyra and jay, this week is impossibly depressing.

    oh and also terror attack and oil spill. and something bad in greece.

    but whatever greece. not even top 5.

  26. Jay Leno: The. Worst. Capital T. Capital W.

    Always
    Be
    The Worsting

  27. In case you had any doubts as to the degree of pure unadulterated awfulness perpetrated by the chin (sorry Bruce Campbell), here’s a (real) facebook picture from Glenn Beck’s home page…

    http://www.facebook.com/photos.php?id=36400348187#!/photo.php?pid=3448323&id=36400348187

  28. img src=”http://memegenerator.net/Freddie-Mercury-test/ImageMacro/1029527/Freddie-Mercury-test-BREAD-FACE

  29. I like Jay Leno.

    JUST KIDDING.

  30. Best Leno impression at 3:30 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8E2M44sXMI “Kevin, a slut!”

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