To Whom It May Concern,

I am outraged, OUTRAGED, over the new Miley Cyrus video, as I believe all (make-believe) parents should be. We work hard and make sacrifices on a daily basis so that our children can grow up to be intelligent and mature human beings that we can be proud of in a complicated and confusing and dangerous world. And this is what Hollywood feels is appropriate for young eyes and minds? UNACCEPTABLE!

For one thing, it is stupid. She’s supposed to be some kind of giant bird?

How is some stupid giant bird supposed to threaten my child’s moral core? Go ahead, BE A BIG STUPID BIRD. And then she’s dancing in a museum? Museums are great for children! I’d probably LIKE IT if my child went and danced in a museum. Can you imagine? A parent liking the message of a pubescent sex idol’s racy new video?

Even worse, this is not sexy at all. When I was a burgeoning adolescent, I would watch racy music videos with my finger on the remote, ready to change the channel the second a parent walked in the room. Now, as an imaginary parent myself, if I were to walk in on my (imaginary) child watching this, (s)he would probably change the channel too, but not out of fear of retaliation or a lecture, but simply out of embarrassment for watching something so lame. “I’m sorry I disappointed you, mom/dad,” he/she would say. “I”m sorry that I have such terrible taste.”

And please don’t pretend like this is scandalous because of Miley Cyrus’s youth or former career as a children’s television icon. Anyone who has been paying attention knows that she has been having experimental intercourse for years.

Teenagers are SUPPOSED to be interested in things that they’re nervous or ashamed about. They are supposed to have secrets. But this is just boring and annoying. I’m pretty sure those choreographed dance moves were copied from a Christina Aguilera video from 12 years ago. And what kind of message does that send to our (non-existent) children, huh? It tells them sex is boring, and outdated, and features awkward-looking child-bird-monsters.

A rare miss, Hollywood Negative Message Machine.

A Make-Believe Parent Gabe Just Made Up

P.S. I have attached a copy of the video to this letter, for your records.

Comments (83)
  1. This is what happens when you let NIcholas Sparks write both your movies AND your music videos, Miley.

  2. I no longer want to be at a Miley Cyrus dance party.

    • I’m not with you on this. I liked the punk one in the garage also. But I’d love to fuck around in a natural history museum, playing in a giant nest, smashing glass, freaking out old timers.

      … but yes, I’d prefer to do it with Jack Nicholson, and with Prince as the soundtrack.

  3. That cage is not very effective, but then again, she can’t be tamed.

  4. And the She Wolf Award for Awkward Animal-Inspired Dance Moves goes to…

  5. Is she’s almost extinct does this mean I can’t hunt her down?

  6. I’m getting a little tired of bringing this one out too obviously, but here we go: this video is obviously fairly raven

  7. But this is Love Game…

  8. How am I supposed to get a boner from watching this?

  9. I keep swatting my computer with a wire hanger while the video was playing, but it wouldn’t go away. Thanks for nothing, Birdemic.

  10. The real irony of this “Can’t Be Tamed” video is that I picture Disney execs leading her through each shot Jack Hanna style with a clicker thing and a pocket full of treats.

  11. Who does Miley think she is?! There’s only room for one Birdie on this website.

  12. MKUltra Teeny Bopper

  13. so THAT is what climbed out of Josh Brolin’s face in the Jonah Hex trailer.

  14. Miley is it too much to ask to at least accompany a crappy music video with an actually fun song? I’ve had “baby” by J-biebs on loop for too long (not long enough) and I’m craving more summer songs!

    • Seriously. I still have a mini party inside when I hear Party in the USA. If she’s not writing them herself anyway, they can at least be catchy right?

  15. Sure, but did you consider how all the make-believe avian parents must feel about this!

  16. Wait, is this like a metaphor? Is she showing us why a trapped in the cage of super fame teen idol bird sings?

  17. Miley Featherhands….

    But in all seriousness, what ever happened to embarrassment? Private activities of a community (e.g. “tar and feathering”) are now on view for public consumption? Like an Escher painting, we are less easily embarrassed (with thumb on the remote) due in part from vicariously experiencing so much manufactured embarrassment on the screen. Apropos Catch-22. Our capacity for embarrassment is the mark of human civilization… s

    So, let’s paint and put feathers on (but in our private rooms) and get embarrassed (not bare-assed) more readily.

  18. My favorite part of this video is when my computer at work wouldn’t play it.

  19. As a concerned make-believe parent myself, I ask you this question: What am I supposed to tell My make-believe children when they ask me if Mileybird has a cloaca?

  20. This video makes me so happy that I was a budding teenager with my hand on the remote hoping my parents didn’t walk in when Britney Spears was a 17 year old trying to “grow up” without admitting she was a virgin, which in turn makes me sad. No Party in the USA for me today.

  21. “A creature so rare, it was believed to be extinct.”

    What? A pop star using sex to sell music? I wish.

  22. One word, WOOF.

  23. This video is way beyond thunderdome.

  24. Dammit furries, is there NOTHING you can’t ruin?

  25. ♪ ♪ It’s a party in the bird nest cage! ♪ ♪

  26. 1. Miley is still 16, right? And a country singer?
    2. I love Lady GaGa, but let’s just let Lady GaGa be Lady GaGa, and not everyone else also. Same with Britney Spears, who this song was obviously written for.
    3. That cage is not very good at its job.

    • 1.) She’s 17. KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES, GRANDMA.
      2.) If you think this is an egregious Gaga rip off, you should see the new Christina Aguilera video. Woof.
      3.) To be fair, she can’t be tamed.

    • I agree with you everywhere except for that “I love Lady Gaga” part. That’s just silly.

  27. Gabe: “Miley really laid an egg with this one.”

    Ha ha.

  28. Can Miley bird get rabies? If so, maybe Tyra can make herself useful.

  29. I didn’t watch it but apparently at some point in the video she is wearing a $25,000 corset. Miley, she’s just like the rest of us!

  30. Whatever. She’s just being Miley.

  31. “The selected item is not currently available.”

    That’ll do Internet. That’ll do.

  32. “We’ll put her in a cage and auto-correct her singing. Then we’ll have her say she cant be caged or tamed. Then we’ll put her on worldwide media tour.” – hollywood hitmakers, non-ironically, to selves.

    “All my upvotes to this great and creative idea.” – billy ray, later that morning.

  33. I think that video was made specifically to provoke the outrage of make believe parents.

  34. someone call the colonel!!!

  35. They should have had her going nuts at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, for all of us old-school readers out here.

  36. I hope someone was fired for that cage design. She just walked right out!

  37. Then we all sigh a collective “yuck”.

  38. Why are all those people wearing bird cages on their heads? Don’t they realize they look stupid proportionally to how much they clearly feel wearing bird cages on their head makes them a hoity toity baroness.

  39. Why do only the cute animals go extinct and not this?

  40. good news: shes retiring from the music business after this
    bad news: shes retiring from the music business after this to PURSUE HER ACTING CAREER

    was the Last Song not enough. Why cant you be good at ONE thing miley cyrus? preferable that one thing being shooting yourself in the face (Gabe, am i doing it right??)

  41. Am I the only one disappointed that this sucks compared to Party in the USA

  42. I always new this moment would eventually come. I feel like bluebird pushing my offspring out of the nest 150 feet up in the air in order for it to learn to fly (science). Unlike the stupid turtles who just leave their eggs on the beach to hatch and make a mad dash for the water before they are eaten by giant seagulls and other predators, where only 11.3% of the baby tutles actually make it to the water. (stupid turtles) But I digress, my little Miley is all grown up, but that’s to be expected in the Pop Industry. We all know that 1 Pop year is equivalent to 8.3475 human years. They start off so young and free; singing oh so sweet lullabies of pure fanatical sexual deviancy. Then they soon grow old and senile and shave their heads and marry their producers. But to my main point WHYYYY MILLLEYYY?!?!?! Why did you have to grow up so fast?? Don’t you realize how impressionable I am. I mean last week I was having a MIley Cyruss Dance Party in the USA and now this week I am obliged to live promiscuously as a giant bird. As for now, I feel torn. Torn between the what was and the what is. I’m as confused as an absentee parent in a card store: (Dearest Son, It’s been 18 years since the last time I saw you, but to you it feels like a lifetime. I wrote you a poem to express my feelings: Roses are red and violets are blue (for the love of God, violets are purple). My name Delreasey and who the f**k are you? – Love Dad) Ahh but do not fret, for I have a likewise distraught solution to seemingly distraught situation. I have invented a Miley Cirobot and a Kei$handriod and together we shall RULE the world. But I know what your thinking, “Robots don’t have talent” and you’re right, unlike their original hosts, these robots have to use a digital voice tuner to sing in key and posses no real talent at all; but I have a feeling, that for the most part, the majority of the world will be willing to overlook that flaw.

  43. “Despite all my rage, I am still just a faux-slutty bird in a cage”

    said the old person.

  44. Hey, this is that bird that bit my mother! The one who killed my mother…damn you Avis Cyrus!!

  45. Jokes on Miley, peacock are only male.

    ……….. Or is the joke on me because I actually watched the video?

    • There are female peacocks. They’re mostly known as peahens, but it’s perfectly acceptable to refer to a “female peacock.” The male is the one with the giant plumage like what she’s wearing in this video, though.
      - Science McJerkface, Doctor of Animals

  46. This mascot would be pentultimately terrible.

  47. “something something egged like a Ukrainian parliament member.”

  48. Scott Baio keeps a picture of Miley Cyrus because 17 year old girls have the right to be sex icons too.

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