“First and foremost, I want someone who will not ever, ever challenge me intellectually. Preferably, I’d like them to be subliterate and to speak in mono-syllables. But when that’s not possible, if they do insist on speaking in complete sentences, those sentences should be complete and utter nonsense. I don’t want someone who is clever, but I don’t mind if they think they’re clever. Like, for example, it would be great if they were terrible at acting but you could see on their face that they thought they were just nailing it? I’d definitely like to be with a stupid person who did that also. But what I am most interested in is a woman who has her own garbage talk show that is literally a waste of time, money, human effort, and the carbon-based energy it uses to create, and I want that woman to spend an entire episode of this miserable program to pretend for no discernible reason to have rabies. If she could somehow include the being an idiot and also thinking she was really talented and clever and interesting WHILE doing the weird, nonsensical rabies thing on her fucking bullshit awful disaster of a talk show, then I would know that I had found my soul mate.”
– You

“Perfect. I sure hope 1-800-Wedding-Rings does overnight delivery!”
– You Again

(Via Crushable.)

Comments (80)
  1. It’s so sad since I want to bring her to meet all my friends but as you can see her idea of a party trick is different from mine

  2. Tyra appears to have suxxed too many buttz in that screencap. She shouldn’t try to keep up with Topher, who has built up a buttz tolerance heretofore unseen.

  3. We should still put her down just to be safe.

  4. I know I’m supposed to hate her (The Soup, Videogum, Everybody everywhere, etc) but I still think she is pretty. And that shot of her gagging up the white fluid is exciting to me for the wrong reasons. I’m sorry.

    Go ahead and downvote away, monsters who take things too seriously, I don’t give a care about status

  5. She really gets it.

  6. This makes me wish Videogum still did ANTM recaps. It’s so bad this season!

  7. Well, I knew this was fake from the beginning because we cured Rabies with that Fun Run a couple years ago.

  8. She is teaching us to do Rabies with her eyes… Thats my guuuurl.

  9. That’s your dog.

  10. Why WOULDN’T Tyra fake rabies? She hosts a womens’ empowerment talk show and rabies is one of the number one issues facing young women today.
    Thank you, Tyra, for being the voice of the voiceless*

    *They are voiceless because they are foaming from their rabid mouths.

  11. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on May 4th, 2010 +4

    Once again, life imitates Tim & Eric: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMjPluRtDeM

  12. Actually my girlfriend has scabies, not rabies.


    (Sorry to steal your pic, Aaaaron, [well, the pic you created, not your pic; you're not actually Tila, I would assume], but it seemed fitting.)

  13. Me again?

    I give up.

  14. Tyra just wants people to realize she’s a great actress and that she should be in movies, so she could win Oscars (or whatever) and be like Meryl Streep.

  15. KEEP HER AWAY FROM BIRDIE

  16. Funny, I started uncontrollably foaming at the mouth after the first thirty seconds of watching that video.

  17. I miss the old Tyra. The one that dressed in fat suits and told fat people how hard it was! Genius!

  18. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on May 4th, 2010 +44

    This is clearly an uncomfortable video to watch, but it’s not nearly as bad as the mayhem that ensued after Oprah did the same thing.

    “YOU GET RABIES AND YOU GET RABIES AND YOU GET RABIES!!!”

  19. This is going to come back to bite the producers in the rear when she actually does get rabies and everyone just laughs at her because she’s doing the rabies bit again.

  20. Somebody had to…

  21. The girl at 0:45 (sorry I’m too lazy to make a gif) really sums up my thoughts:

    “Whuuuuuuuuuuut?”

  22. When Jurassic Park came out, I was 12 years old and I went to see it with my dad and my brother. During one of the more violent scenes with the T-Rex, I started to get really scared. But didn’t want my dad or brother to know that I was so terrified. So I leaned forward and put my chin in my hands, as to cover up the sides of my face, so they didn’t know I was closing my eyes. But I kept hearing those horrible, monstrous T-Rex noises and couldn’t resist sneaking a peak. Each time I did, I regretted it because of the sheer terror I was experiencing, yet I couldn’t reconcile this with my morbid curiosity. I kept closing and opening my eyes, each a worse decision than before, and always the wrong choice.

  23. someone should put her down, thatll do tyra, thatll do

  24. Does Tyra write for her own show?

    Is there a shortage of good writers out there looking for gigs?

    Jay Leno recycling jokes when her performs for the president. Tyra Banks on all fours with spittle hanging off her chin.

    Who is responsible for this?

    What the fuck is going on?

    • Is that really a ‘scene’ that can be ‘written’? What would the script look like?

      “Tyra gurgles. Then drools and half-gurgles until foam comes out. Then gurgles some more. More drool and rolling on the floor. Fin.”

  25. Water bottle: $2
    tie and suspenders: $50
    Tyra talking about her “accident” and the women in the audience get that “holyshitwhathappenedtomyfavoritesupermodel/talkshowhost” look on their faces: priceless

  26. Is it weird that when funny things happen to me througout the day, I think what Steve Winwood might say about them? I can’t articulate all the funny that’s going on in my head into good monster comments.

  27. Looks like Tyra Banks has been diagnosed with Tyra Banks.

  28. what a slow moving piece of shit this woman is.

  29. This was so fucking to watch.

    • *painful

      FUCK THIS I’M GOING TO BED

      • Once the white shit started coming out of her mouth, I actually had to just stop the video. Like, I just could not deal.

        Also, topical, I actually did get a really bad dog bite 4 years ago (four years and five days, actually!) and even though I didn’t pretend to have rabies on my hit talk show, I did enjoy showing off my bite to all my friends and making them feel where it was all swollen and gross. ~laughing thru the pain~~

  30. Ugh. It was so obvious she palmed some kind of foam pill when she drank the bottled water. SO OBVIOUS. Ugh.

  31. Four things too many:
    1. Only a five year old boy could be indulged with laughter at that gag….Great work, timmy, now go clean your face.
    2. It will be in all our heads everytime Tyra says ‘fierce’.
    3. When did rabies become funny?
    4. What a generous gift to GIFFERS everywhere. A gift that’ll keep on Giffing.

  32. I know it’s pretty unimportant considering she’s on all fours and drooling when she says it, but at 2:12-ish she clearly says ‘Tyraaa Branks’

    Still not as bad as the Vaseline fiasco.

  33. I’ve never been more embarrassed than I was watching that video. I need a cold shower.

  34. July 6, 1885
    This vaccine was first used on a human on July 6, 1885, on nine-year-old Joseph Meister (1876–1940), who had been mauled by a rabid dog.

  35. I’m pretty sure you could get it 30 years ago.

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