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After the jump, I have posted an incredible, nine-minute-long video that I guess is some kind of infomercial for a “two-handed great sword” in which a group of chubby middle-aged white dudes, many of whom sport mustaches, take turns hacking at pieces of meat in a makeshift cardboard dungeon while public domain “hard rock” plays in the background. I just want you to know what you are about to watch! I would hate for you to click through and think that it was going to be an incredible, nine-minute long infomercial for a ONE-HANDED DAGGER in which a group of chubby middle-aged white dudes, many of whom sport mustaches, take turns hacking at pieces of meat in a makeshift cardboard dungeon while public domain “hard rock” plays in the background. Although, to be fair, that mistake would kind of be on you because you can’t even cut a pig’s face in half with a one-handed dagger. You’re being ridiculous.
See? I told you!
My favorite part of this is EVERY PART OF THIS, but my other favorite part is when they cut the toes off the cowboy boots and they have clearly STUFFED MEAT INTO THE COWBOY BOOTS. This is definitely THE SWORD to buy if you are a big fat middle-aged nerd with a moustache who has a ton of pig parts they need to sloppily hack into stupid pieces. (Thanks for the tip, Chris.)
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Reaching critical TWSS mass in 3… 2…
I was giggling like an eighth grader taking health class for the first time throughout all 9 minutes of this!
A sword so cool, you have to wear racquetball goggles to use it.
It’s just practical safety. Make sure not to get the six foot long sword that you have trouble lifting “INTO YOUR EYES”.
“I just got a +2 Dexterity!”
~ These Guys
“Dude, I’m so fucking famous now. Babe can suck it.” – That pig
I’m so conflicted… I’m vegetarian so of course this is sickening.. but I frickin’ love moustaches!!!!!!!!
“The great sword is way under appreciated in my opinion. A big sword like this can make it look easy to make that difficult cut.”
This guy is so self-concious about his great sword. Given his dress and appearance I’m imagining hes just some insurance salesman who won a contest like “Are you the biggest big sword fan?” and now he’s overcompensating.
oh good, they stuffed meat inside those boots.
Hope its meat and not feet!
And yes there is something you can bring me my love… Spanish boots of Spanish leather filled with 20 pounds of raw beef…
Stopped at the :20 second mark when they used the word “baldric” as if I knew what that was. THIS VIDEO IS NOT FOR ME.
I’m only 14 seconds in, and they just said “There’s nothing awkward or clumsy about this awesome sword.” I just needed to take a break and type that, because I can tell this is going to be the greatest video on the internet, and I need to prepare myself.
Alright! I’m diving in!
QVC: Official Blacksmith of the Tea Party
If i ever need to throw this guy a birthday party I know what to do. Just buy like 40 pig carcasses and some rope to string em up. Happy birthday my psycho boyfriend!
“Sure he converted our garage into a faux dungeon where he spends most of his free time, but there’s plenty of street parking around here and it makes him happy and that’s what really matters. Plus, it’s not like these pig carcasses are going to waste, although I do kind of regret that we can never have our Jewish friends over for dinner…”
- you
Are you dating the Star Wars Light Saber kid?
I think we’re gonna need a bigger
daggersword…I wish all companies would use complimentary adjectives like “great” in their product names. Confidence is key!
Am I the only person who felt like they were going to straight up barf after watching this?
I swear to god if someone makes a gif of the pig face getting cut in half, I will strangle a hippie.
I can’t tell if you don’t want someone to make that gif or if you do want someone to make that gif. I guess it depends on how you feel about hippies, or strangling.
You know how some straight guys give hypotheticals like “Well if I had to have sex with a dude, you know if someone held a gun to my head and made me, I guess it would be Brad Pitt”?
Well, if I had to strangle someone, you know if someone made a gif of a chubby white guy with a mustache chopping a pig’s face in half with a sword and made me, I guess it would be a hippie.
I still don’t get it though.
You don’t really want to strangle ANYBODY, but since in that scenario you’d be obligated to strangle someone (?) cause you said you would (?), you would choose to strangle a person of the subculture which tend to be vegetarian… cause your feelings AGAINST them are as strong as a straight guy’s feelings FOR Brad Pitt.
But you probably don’t want anyone to make a gif of this so that you don’t have to premeditately murder a person and then probably spend 30 years or more in prison.
Which was threatened by you because you DIDN’T want to see a gif of this in the first place? And you figured the threat of being responsible for the killing a random person (like in “Button Button” or “The Box”) would prevent anyone from creating this gif. Instead of causing one of us to create it just for that outcome, which is a little more sadistic than Cameron Diaz – although the point of that shitty movie was that the human race WOULD probably sell each other out like that…
Do I have that yet?
I stopped at the pig face. And I’ve watched almost every Saw movie.
This guy is living in a fantasy world.
Everyone knows dwarves use battle axes.
I didn’t realize this guy is selling these as a REAL self-defense tool until just now. YIKES
How can I combine my pedantic knowledge of Middle Earth lore with my desire to hurt small animals?
“6 pounds of sword. For what you get its pretty reasonably priced” I have a sneaky suspicion this is the same line he uses on the ladies.
Two minutes in you can see what Asian (Break Dancing) Mike’s amazing future can hold.
did they include the balloon just to make sure we were paying attention?
Jinx! You owe me one penetrated ballon, sir.
minds think alike.
Nicely done.
This sword is so powerful, it has the ability to pop a balloon.
We need to get a gif of that sprint to the balloon… Anyone?
Finally, I can make a huge flippin’ hole in a shirt of mail! It can even pop balloons if you run at them at top speed! I love how the guy selling it is out of breath the entire time, especially when he talks about how “effortless” it is to use. I can think of 25 people I know who would use such an item for exactly the activities in this video.
“The guy made a million dollars!”
Just enough to buy a certain someone’s beanie baby collection…
I know most people won’t make it this far, but around the 7:20 mark they stop just insinuating this is to murder your neighbours and basically come right out and say it. This is quickly followed by showing us what it would look like to throw it through the chest of a human being.
There is no more you could do to convince me to buy a great sword.
I need this entire video to be redubbed entirely in William Burroughs voice. “Flick, flick, flick. And off commmes a parrrt….”
http://www.gifsoup.com/view/407414/indy.html
It’s only $549.99, you guys!! A small price to pay to be ready for the Battle of of the Nerds!
Honestly, shattering the cinder block was pretty impressive. But exactly what fight are you in where you think ‘oh man….good thing I have this huge sword tucked in my pants’?
Now why would you ruin a perfectly good pair of meatboots?
Seriously though – can we talk about how creepy those boots filled with meat were?
i can’t believe that they just destroyed a perfectly good pig’s head like that
But does it have a magical force field and carbon fiber inner core? -Dwight Schrute
Guys….I just ordered one, fyi. My little cousin is having a birthday party and I HATE popping balloons with my hands…so, I saw this infomercial thing and when I saw the balloon demo, it was a match made in heaven. Thank you, Cold Steel!
How do you know he’s a serial killer? Because near the end he says, “What beats a Great Sword?” Well, nothing, if your hope is to hack human bodies into horrifying blood-spouting pieces. Otherwise, probably this beats it:
Orrrrrr this:
“you put one of these by your front door, an you’re gonna be a power to reckon with” well, yeah, if by “power to reckon with” you mean, “an obvious adult bedwetter”
I was unaware that sword was sold by the pound.
i bet this sword could slice through like sixteen anime wall scrolls at once, absolutely no problem.
Wow, the slightly thinner one is my butcher. No wonder why when I order ribs, they’re always oddly cut, but taste so “great.” (PUNS!)
Dude, the creepy thing about the balloon demonstration is how they took great pains to show you how he starts exactly 21 feet away from the balloon. Why is 21 feet creepy, you ask? Because 21 feet = minimum distance required to stab a cop in the face before he shoots you, according to a somewhat relatively well known study: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tueller_Drill.
“Nobody will be able to take advantage of you in a fight.”
Well first of all, I wouldn’t try to fight a guy carrying a god damned sword around.
No, those are the people you pass by on the street hoping nobody else gets hurt.
sword’s not that great
OK – LOOK – does ANYONE else think this is cool? COME ON. I know you are out there. This is cool. You know this is cool. I think this is cool.
You can throw it through darn near anything!? Well then, I’ll take two.
Does it come with a Great Scabbard? ‘Cause I just finished a course for a permit to carry a concealed weapon, and I’m not too comfortable with the idea of shoving that thing down the leg of my pants to conceal it.
It’s sucks that the sword world continues to overlook this weapon. Wipe the pig face blood from your eyes and pay attention sword world!
Whoever owns this must spend so much money on things to destroy in one hack….
Also, what a hideous waste of real animals lives and food for real people.
There’s a steak in my boot!
The only thing greater than this sword is mustachioed fat men wearing short little ties.
Also, why do all those pigs remind me of silly putty? Is that really the color pigs are? I clearly have never been to a farm.
That’s an ENORMOUS FLIPPIN’ SWORD!