From the website:

Almost everyone knows the silent but deadly effects of flatulence on relationships. For couples, nothing can spoil the romantic aura more quickly! It can be funny but it can also be a nuisance.

Haha. IT CAN BE FUNNY BUT IT CAN ALSO BE A NUISANCE. Fair enough. And they do have a point that farting can ruin a romantic mood, although I’m not sure that an over-priced novelty fart blanket made with REAL MILITARY STUFF INSIDE that you ordered off an infomercial for THREE payments of $39.99 is that much SEXIER. Also, some of the site’s suggestions for when/whom to buy this thing are a bit much:

  • Weddings (Oh, thank you!)
  • Anniversaries (You remembered!)
  • Birthdays (Thank you?)
  • Roommates (Hey!)
  • A Humorous Occasion (You literally shouldn’t have!)

I do not know about the people who invented the Better Marriage Blanket (military scientists probably) but I don’t give gag gifts that require three easy payments of ANY size. And if your roommate gives this to you, move out, but make sure to lock the door behind you and burn the place to the ground. Happy birthday, you fart.

I hate this blanket!

Related: BREAKING FART NEWS

(Thanks for the tip, Tammy, WomenBePhotoshoppin’, Ben, and Nik.)

Comments (59)
  1. Whoever bought this should have rethought this. (ugh sorry its early)

  2. When Eisenhower warned against the Military-Industrial Complex, he never dreamed that without them we would have missed out on such cutting edge anti-fart technology. So short sighted.

  3. A real solution to a very real problem would be preferable to the alternatives- a fake solution to a very real problem, or a real solution to a very fake problem.

    But I still ultimately will always prefer a fake solution to a very fake problem. It’s just easier for everybody.

  4. this invention stinks

  5. If the price is too steep for you, filling your underwear with charcoal briquettes works just as well.

  6. fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart! fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart

    • I spent five minutes trying to come up with something funnier but that’s all I got.

      • farttraf?

      • Just don’t do that in a wetsuit

      • werttrew | Posted at 9:44am Thumb up Thumb down 0

        fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart! fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart poot fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart
        Reply

  7. I like that they offer a twin size for all those married couples shacking it up in a single bed. Very realistic, Better Marriage Blanket!

    • Well, the probably couldn’t market it this way: “Do your children stink? Can you barely stand to be near their noxious bodies at night? Does it keep you from loving them?”

      I bet there is an order for two twin blankets on its way to England right now.

  8. I will not rest until all people in this country, regardless of sexual orientation, can dutch oven their partners in holy matrimony.

  9. If my woman can’t stand my chemical-warfare-strength flatulence, then that’s when I know it’s not true love.

  10. I wonder if there’s a divorce blanket….hmmmm

  11. So essentially this is the tupperware of blankets. Seems like this would create more “dutch oven” situations than anything else. Not well thought out marriage scientists. Not well thought out at all.

  12. Apparently those dumb American military scientists have yet to encounter that sneak attack from the Lowlands of Holland, the vaunted “Dutch Oven.”

  13. I don’t know about you, but nothing says warm sleepy comfort like charcoal! Down, go fuck yourself.

  14. On the outside they look like a perfectly normal couple but on the inside they haven’t spoken to each other or touched one another in months.

  15. It’s sad that this is not just one person making and shipping these out of their garage. An entire company put their heads together and said “Yes, this is what the world needs. A blanket that lets married couples fart as much as they want. Let’s make this happen!”

  16. although he currently is not suffering from any health problems, my boyfriend might suddenly develop some if he were to buy me a fart blanket for our anniversary.

  17. This totally invalidates one of my favorite quotes: “Love is farts under the blankets.” It is really true!

  18. I got my wife a Dutch oven for our anniversary, but it was really only our kids could have some adorable fart jokes to tell at dinner parties with Gwyneth Paltrow. THAT’s the key to happiness, you guys.

  19. You ignorant people. This is science! I bet you’ve never even HEARD of flatulence molecules.

  20. I feel like this was invented for my brother. Probably by my brother.

  21. What’s left to talk about, when all the farts are gone?

  22. This would’ve been nice to know BEFORE the divorce papers were finalized. :(

  23. Benjamin Franklin recognized the problem:
    http://www.amazon.com/Fart-Proudly-Writings-Benjamin-Franklin/dp/089804801X

    And being Dutch, I guess we call it an “oven”.

    (Actually most sayings like Dutch oven, Dutch courage, Dutch treat etcetera were introduced by the damn English after they took New York from us. Sure we took it the hell back, but then, for some reason, decided that we’d prefer Suriname instead. If that whole colony hadn’t been handled so badly, you’d all be speaking Dutch now. Sorry, pet peeve.)

  24. “Marriage bed”? I didn’t realize they were called that. What would my bed be called? “Single-gay-guy bed”? What do you guys call your beds?

  25. I saw my GF’s credit card statement had a charge for this and i thought it was a sex toy… I’m not sure if i should be relieved or not.

  26. For some reason, the funniest part of this to me is that only “almost everyone” has noticed that farts in bed are gross. Almost? Who *isn’t* noticing this?
    “Flatulence can really ruin the mood! Amirite, almost everyone?”

    • mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Apr 30th, 2010 +3

      Well this is only a rumor that I heard from someone around here, but apparently a certain Topher Grace believes they improve the mood.

  27. Wow, it appears that we monsters have been dieing to let out some fart jokes. Stay classy fart monsters! This has been a long time comeing, and I want to enjoy every moment of it! (no dutch oveno)

  28. can’t stop laughing

  29. This idea is just as bad as the Marriage Ref.

  30. Testimonial: “It must be working because I have not woken myself up since I started using it!”
    Elena, AZ

    Woken herSELF up? That is some powerful flatulence. I once had a guest stay with me in my studio apartment who woke ME up several times a night with her trumpets (she was a person of considerable size and ate sack after sack of White Castle burgers every evening) but not once did she emerge from her slumber.

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