Jonah Hex trailer, you guys:

Working title: Van Helsing 2: Deadwood.

I will still probably see this, no duh, and almost everyone in the cast is either very talented or very Megan Fox, but what is with the pounding Terminator 6 music? I know that it’s not really a movie about the Old West, but it’s kind of a movie about the Old West. I just don’t understand why Mr. Trailer thinks a movie can’t be made to look exciting unless it appeals to 14-year-old Mountain Dew enthusiasts. Also, you could probably cut the explosions-montage at the end of this trailer in half. We get it, Jonah Hex trailer. Explosions! Got it! Sorry to get all Professor Movie Trailers on you, Jonah Hex trailer, but you kind of stink. See me after class!

Comments (88)
  1. “And get off my lawn”
    -Gabe

  2. Josh Brolin’s gonna be pissed when he learns uglying yourself only gets women Oscars

  3. I can’t wait for the Burger King meat product based on Brolin’s face.

  4. “The future is bright. Or is it only an illusion, Michael?” – Old-Timey GOB

  5. This looks suspiciously like Wild Wild West 2: Revenge of the Honkies.

  6. Westerns done changed a bit since James Brolin was doing it.

    Now, they don’t even bother to draw.

  7. Who in the hell put this cast together? Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox and Johnny Basil from OZ? It’s as if someone blindly jabbed a finger at a list of names to pick these actors.

    • Gob Bluth and that one soldier who played cards in Inglorious Basterds are in it too to up the random game I guess

    • Casting Meeting:
      “Next up: We are Looking for a dumb skank to play a prostitute. She must be willing to show the goods.”
      “Megan Fox?”
      “Yeah, I was going to say Megan Fox.”
      “Megan Fox. Good Idea Jim.”

      • The only thing more disappointing than her acting is her attempt at an accent. Or maybe that is part of her acting? What I’m trying to say is that Megan Fox is a simpleton.

      • Josh Brolin: ‘ey searched yer pritty goooood, din ‘ey
        Megan Fox: Wooden’ yuuuu?

        Magic 8 ball: My signs point to… nice “I expect to get raped cause I’m so hot” joke Megan Fox

        • For a little while, I dated a girl who looked like Megan Fox (not to the inhuman, alien-like degree of hotness that Megan Fox achieves, but still), and it makes me terribly uncomfortable when I think about the only possible way she had sex with me is because she has deep-seated self-esteem issues.

          Just one of the many, many reasons I don’t watch movies with Megan Fox in them.

          • “I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I’m a tranny. I’m a man. I’m so painfully insecure. I’m on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I’m scared,”

            Actual Megan Fox quote. And when I typed “Megan Fox d” into google, “umb quotes” immediately popped up.

        • It’s wayyyyyyyyy too late to make a difference to most monsters, and it’s definitely psycho of me to come home from the bar and try to redo stuff here…

          thereby admitting that I was spending time in the bar trying to think of witty things to write in order to anonymously join in and maybe impress comedy blog readers. Instead of trying to think of witty things to say in order to maybe take someone of the opposite sex home… to, you know, have fuck-sex…

          So, actually still anonymously (and doing nothing to my actual reputation in the universe) I’m going to do a version of what I think everyone ever in the history of the universe has done (to some extent) in their head. Every day ever, when they know they could have made their point better…

          I’m going to take a mulligan on this one. only cause I can, and cause I think my post from this evening could have been taken as chauvenistic instead of the opposite of chauvenistic.

          what I wish I’d written (what I was wishing I’d written when I was in the bar, also wishing I was sex-fucking the people of the opposite sex) was:

          Josh Brolin: ‘ey searched yer pritty goooood, din ‘ey
          Megan Fox: Wooden’ yuuuu?

          Magic 8 ball: My signs point to that’s a nice joke about a beautiful woman, with low self esteem, and so she’s flattered by the idea that some bad guys violated her. And because of her neuroses, she is kind of showing off about the fact that she has been violated. And she happens to be doing that to the kind of dude that would tease a woman about that fact that she has been violated by bad guys. In a children’s movie. In the preview that will be shown to children who are spared that crap by good parents, but who got stuck seeing it when they were going to other movies. Thanks, Hollywood! Fuckfaces!

          Hey Weed Road Pictures: rape-joke guy called – he wants his rape-joke back.

  8. unless it appeals to 14-year-old Mountain Dew enthusiasts

  9. wait, is he a magic confederate soldier? and fighting evil union soliders? i know nothing of the plot in reality, but that’s what it looks like to me, and that is, um, definitely weird.

    • I thought that looked pretty crazy and stupid too, like does he have some special power and what’s up with that battleship, until I saw who were responsible for this “movie”:

      That reminds me, Phish in 3D!!!!1!

  10. Dynamite crossbow guns! What makes this movie brilliant is that, apart from the supernatural stuff, it all could happen.

  11. I’m still going to see this. I love Westerns.

  12. Mastodon did music for this film. As great as they are, it does seem an odd choice for an Old West movie (Civil War movie? I don’t know much about this movie) but they’ve also written concept albums about Moby Dick and Rasputin, so….makes sense?

  13. Whoa, Megan Fox should take it down a notch. She’ll blow everyone off screen with her Meryl Streep-ian acting and command of the screen.

  14. Eh, just toss it in the 25 cent bin with those water-stained Archies.
    -The dudes at Comix Dungeon, Anytown, USA

  15. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2010 +29

    I like how they had to have a flashback of his face being branded in the trailer, because presumably audiences don’t have the attention span to remember what happened one entire minute earlier.

  16. Deputy Ops: “Where don’t you want to go?”
    Cedric Daniels: “Anywhere but the wild west.”

  17. I like Josh Brolin. He had a good run the last few and was in some great movies but that is over now. This hunk of shit and his IMDB page says he’s in Men In Black 3. Everybody has to eat but this is very disappointing.

  18. Didn’t Hollywood learn its lesson from Wild Wild West? That was rhetorical. Clearly not.

  19. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • You are a mook. This movie looks closer to Ghost Rider than it does Iron Man or Batman.

    • We’ve already been over this Steve Winwood. It’s entirely possible to like one thing and not like another thing despite those things sharing certain traits. Earlier, you accused me of “hypocrisy” (I’m sure you’re using that word right, don’t worry about it) because I didn’t like Benjamin Button on the grounds that I should because I like Lost. Huh? I mean, just because this movie has explosions in it and The Dark Knight had explosions in it (or even more on the nose, they both have their roots in comic books) doesn’t make them the same movie? And no one is required to like something now because they liked something else in the past? And also what?

      Some things in this world are good and some things in this world are bad, and everyone has to do the work of figuring out how they feel about them. But honestly, this persistent argument of yours just never makes any sense to me. I really like Jay-Z but I really hate the Black Eyed Peas. I really like books by Raymond Chandler but I really hate books by Dan Brown. There is no genre-requirement to take all comers. And the quality of a piece of work isn’t based on the quality of other pieces of work? And again, what? I don’t even think YOU believe some of the things that you say.

      You can do better, Steve Winwood.

      • “You can do better, Steve Winwood.”

        I really don’t think he can.

      • I too like Jay-Z and loathe the Black Eyed Peas, as I always hoped Ian and Gabe best friends forever

      • By Steve’s logic if you like sex then you will love rape.

      • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

        • “I don’t give a care” is my favorite elementary school saying! Ever! This is why you’re great, Steve Winwood. This is why you’re great.

        • I’d listen to Prince in a film with a bat,
          I’d listen to Prince in a film with talking cats,
          I’d listen to Prince in a film by Godard,
          I’d listen to Prince in a film like Walk Hard,
          I’d listen to Prince in old Citizen Kane,
          I’d listen to Prince in a film with John Wayne,
          I’d listen to Prince in a Zack Braff flick,
          Though Prince would be all keeping me from being sick,
          I’d listen to Prince, I would, I would,
          I’d listen even with you, Steve Winwood.

          • Let me tell you a little story: I once dated this crazy girl who loved Purple Rain and forced me to watch it. So I’m trying to humor her because I know the second she dumps me I will never have sex again for the rest of my life. So we are watching it and I am trying to tolerate it when at one point Prince makes his dad or step-dad or whoever really angry and the dad character slaps Prince in the face. Prince turns his head back and looks just off camera with this pissy princess face like he is going to have a hissy fit. HILARIOUS! I busted out laughing and my girlfriend hit the pause button and demanded to know what was so funny. I said it just was, his face was, and I can’t really explain why. So she stops the movie and says no this is serious we need to discuss this. It was a painful moment in a long relationship that was ultimately doomed. Anyway, fuck Prince. No place in a Bat man movie, frankly.

      • ♫ How do you solve a problem like Steve Winwood? ♫

      • Oh no! Gabe, you are with Steve now. We are all with Steve the moment we let him talk. The rule is, thrust the knife directly into Steve Winwood’s chest before he has a chance to say anything to you.

      • I’m glad I’m no longer the commenter who fights with Gabe.

        Let’s not fight! As Gabe’s favorite band puts it: “Where is the love?”

        • Just to clarify, I didn’t mean, because Gabe deserves to be fought with by more people. I meant, I’m glad I’ve been displaced because FIGHTING IZ DUMB

      • He’s just shit stirring!

  20. I think when this script was sent to Josh Brolin and John Malkovich’s agents, it was still under the original title, “Who Wants to Put in a New Pool?”

  21. This looks like the best western since the Insane Clown Posse cinema classic BIG MONEY RUSTLAS.

  22. It’s Broyles (sp?) from Fringe! Will Arnett, Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, and John Malkovich! Come on, each of them has their own appeal (funny, acting, incredibly attractive, acting respectively). I think even if the story’s not great, which it doesn’t look like it will be, it’ll be fun movie.

  23. Let’s start taking bets on how many times the name “Jonah Hex” gets repeated in a slightly sly, knowing tone throughout the film. I say 17!

  24. are you kidding me!? this movie looks AWESOME!

  25. its about time they came out with Wild Wild West II. the wait is finally over

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