eight_ball

Really, Hollywood? A movie based on magic 8 ball toys?

“Really” — Hollywood.

From DeadlineHollywood:

Paramount has extended its business with Mattel, optioning the venerable toy Magic 8 Ball to use as the basis for a live action adventure film. The deal is being put in place by Paramount Motion Picture Group president Adam Goodman, and will be produced by Brad Weston through his overall deal on the Par lot. Jon Gunn and John Mann will write the script. Mattel’s Tim Kilpin and Barry Waldo are exec producers. The toy has 20 pre-set answers to whatever questions one can ask about their past and present and their fortunes.

Haha. That last sentence is for the DOUBTERS. In your face, DOUBTERS. (DOUBTERS = HUMAN BEINGS.) 20 pre-set answers? More like 20 pre-set OSCARS. After the jump, we have an EXCLUSIVE look at the 8 ball movie’s screenplay!

INT. SUBMARINE – BRUNCH

Secret Agent Body Canks stares at his stubbled, weary face in the mirror. In one hand, he holds a razor blade and a gun and a bottle of pills. In the other hand he is rolling THE MAGIC 8 BALL.

BODY CANKS
Should I fulfill President Bieber’s secret assignment and launch the nuclear warhead? Or should I kill myself?

Body Canks shakes THE MAGIC 8 BALL.

MAGIC 8 BALL
Kill yourself. Definitely.

Just then there is a radio call from the bridge.

BRIDGE
Mr. Canks, sir, I think I accidentally pushed the wron–

The screen goes white.

CUT TO:

INT. HEAVEN – DINNER
Everyone is in heaven just like God said it would be.

Goooood movie! One adult for this movie, please!

Comments (64)
  1. But do the main character’s friends make fun of him about some girl? And does he wake up in Magic 8-ball Land? My sources say ugh.

  2. I asked an online Magic Eight Ball whether this movie would do well in the box office.

    It answered: “Better Not Tell You Now.”

    It’s not looking good, you guys.

    • I asked mine, “Will this movie suck?” and it answered, “Most likely.”

      • I asked mine, “will this movie suck?” and it answered, “duh, but you’ll see it anyway because you’re a miserable human being. Why do you own me? You’re 20, not 5.”

        My magic 8-ball has really small font to fit all that.

  3. This movie is going to be better:

  4. The finale of the movie is a major letdown when the kids open up the toy and discover the blue juice inside is not magical, tastes terrible, and the predictions are all written on a re-purposed Dungeons and Dragons D20.

  5. Whoa, too big. Sorry! Down vote!!

  6. Not surprising as this is how Hollywood executives have always made their decisions.

    Hollywood: “Should we remake Hitchcock’s The Birds?”
    Magic 8 Ball: “It is decidedly so.”
    Hollywood: “Close enough!”

  7. Well, there goes any chance of selling my drug-fueled wizard screenplay. Five long years, down the fucking drain.

  8. “The film will feature Magic 8-Ball going up against his arch nemesis, Science 8-Ball.” – Eddie Murphy in an interview where he reveals he’s playing both 8-balls

  9. Sweet, another seminal child’s toy off the list. This only brings us closer to “Raisins Instead of Candy On Halloween: The Movie 2: Nature’s Candy”

  10. But wait, are they having fun at dinner? In heaven? With God? Signs point to yes.

  11. So the writers are named Jon Gunn and John Mann? Are we sure this isn’t going to be titled “Magic 8 BALLZ”? Pair-a-Mount, indeed!

  12. Famous Magic 8-Ball Movie Lines seems like a ready-made Best New Party Game.

    “Frankly my dear, Outlook Not So Good.”

  13. i feel like these executives just kept shaking their magic 8 ball until it gave them the answer they wanted.

  14. Its good to see that Mankie Fruniz is still getting work

  15. I’m chalking up this one to a young exec quickly covering up after being caught making a deal for “an 8-ball of coke”.

    “Yes, I did say 8 ball, sir. But….um…you’ve heard of Mattel, right?”

  16. I’m pretty sure the above script is actually for the new “Battleship” film where, not unlike Iron Man 2 giving a sneak peak at Black Widow and Nick Fury, the nuclear explosion will be used to introduce eager audiences across the globe to the new mutant superhero, “M8ball Mattel” and his dashing sidekick “?”.

  17. How does this same story continue to surprise you? How many times does Hollywood have to do this before you stop being shocked. This is the appropriate response:

    tp://i39.tinypic.com/eziia9.jpg

  18. The Magic 8 Ball ruined many a sleepover in my elementary school days. It would all start out good-natured with girls asking if certain boys liked them, but it quickly got out of hand when people started asking the 8 Ball if other girls in the room would marry “100-year-old ghosts,” “Ren and Stimpy” or “A gross fat old man” (these are all direct quotes btw) until ultimately somebody would break down in tears and everyone would get mad at everyone else and then the slumber party hostess’ mom would make us all be quiet and go to bed already.

    In conclusion this is both what the movie should be about and why I mostly stopped hanging out with other girls for several years.

    • This is awesome. And that would be a good angle for the movie, just for the excuse to have a “20 years later” Big Chill-type scene later in the film where a character sees the 8 Ball out and freaks out, throwing it across the room in the silliest “Oscar clip” of all time.

    • I believe we may have gone to the same slumber parties. We can send each other our therapy bills!

  19. woozefa  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2010 +41

    i asked my 8 Ball if my girlfriend would get back together with me and it told me to ‘fucking grow a set.’ :(

  20. I am so bummed. I had a great idea for a post but I’m having a hard time learning Photoshop or Illustrator in the 8 minutes I have here. I was going to take the Slumdog Millionaire poster where they ask a question and I was going to change the answers to stuff like “Concentrate and ask again.” It was going to be so awesome! I was also going to change the question to something funny. See the potential:


    Probably the title was going to be “Eightball Millionaire.” Or possibly “Moronaire.” I didn’t have all the details worked out, but it doesn’t even matter because Photoshop is so hard.

    • The human brain is the fastest version of photoshop ever created. Fact.

      Did you know that our brains automatically correct for red eye. Also, it erases people we don’t care about from our field of vision. The human brain is amazing.

  21. Would totes vote for Bieber 2012.

  22. Quentin Tarantino’s Candyland.

    It’s going to take a radical approach in this adaptation of the boardgame. Featuring 30 minute conversational scenes of characters discussing their favorite candies from the 1970s, a soundtrack of obscure music, all set to a new original revenge story set in the magical candy kingdom.

  23. I wish they hadn’t bothered getting Mattel onboard and just made a move called “20 Sided Dice in a Bowl of Water”.

  24. NEW PARTY GAME: FILMS THAT WOULD BE IMPROVED WITH THE MAGIC 8 BALL.

    Just imagine The Sixth Sense…
    (Am I really dead?) (Absolutely)

  25. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2010 +8

    “Paramount has extended its business with Mattel”
    Extended! Paramount was already in business with Mattel to make a movie based on Max Steel, which is an action figure that is obviously very popular and that all of us have heard of. So of course that’s a guaranteed blockbuster so why even wait and see before greenlighting another movie based on a Mattel toy? You’re already falling behind Universal, who have a deal with Hasbro to produce movie adaptations of Monopoly, Battleship, Candyland, Where’s Waldo, and Stretch Armstrong. Yes, Stretch Armstrong! Starring Taylor Lautner! None of what I have written is a joke!

  26. SPOILER ALERT! The Etch-a-Sketch is actually his father.

  27. How can I not find a picture of Magic Hateball from The Venture Brothers? I knew I should have had one prepared.

  28. Important! We need all the facts. Is this going to be the “8Ball3D” thrillride I’m anticipating in my pants or not?

  29. Gabe this site makes me laugh like no other! My google reader subscribers either hate me or love me depending on how they feel about you…

  30. I am just going to say that I disapprove of this movie. Since it is based around a seminal children’s toy I assume the target audience is the kids, yet like stereotypical Hollywoodites they fill it with dangerous and inappropriate imagery for the future of the world.

    I can not believe they would show the main character holding other objects in his hand while carrying a loaded firearm. That is so unsafe. Shame on you Hollywood.

  31. And of course there will be a scene where somehow, even though the magic 8 ball is larger than a billiards 8 ball, it will get confused for one and wracked at some point in the film. bleh.

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