Gwyneth Paltrow has taped an episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show that won’t broadcast until Thursday, by why wait two days when we can make fun of her now! First of all, she wants more kids, which is not a thing to make fun of. People are allowed to want more kids, even jerks. But what would she name her next child? That’s where we can have some fun. Smoothie? Bullocks? Bullocks Paltrow Coldplay. But also, why does Gwyneth Paltrow talk about her children like they are sensible pieces of furniture? From People:

“I would love to have another child at some point. I feel very, very lucky that I have two healthy, nice ones,” the Shakespeare in Love Oscar winner and Iron Man 2 star tells Ellen DeGeneres on The Ellen DeGeneres Show airing Thursday.

Two “healthy, nice ones”? What a good mom! You can always tell a good mom when she discusses her children the way most people would describe their pets. And not good pets, either. Even a cat or a dog would get a more elaborate and loving description. You know, like fish. Or ferrets. Bad pets. And then, of course, there is this:

“[Tantrums are] part of [having children],” says Paltrow. “They’re kids and they have to do what they have to do. You just have to wear earplugs sometimes.”

How often does she plug her ears? “I started to with all these toys that makes noise, instead of smashing the toys when I haven’t slept and, like, lose my mind,” says the mother and actress. “I just put on headphones or earplugs.”

Kids will be kids, and Gwyneth Paltrow will be Gwyneth Paltrow.

Look, I know that being a parent is hard in a way that people without kids can’t imagine, or whatever. And I’m sure that there are plenty of perfectly decent people out there who go to even greater lengths to find some peace of mind amidst the noisy, smelly, exhausting chaos of raising children. But those people don’t go on national TV and talk about it like a bunch of assholes, so. Shut up, Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh wait, she can’t hear me. SHUT UP, GWYNETH PALTROW! Better. (Thanks for the tip, Yael.)

Comments (73)
  1. This guy knows what she’s talking about:

  2. Sure, Chris Martin, blame the kid toys.

    • “I started to with all these Coldplays that make noise, instead of smashing the Coldplays when I haven’t slept and, like, lose my mind, I just put on headphones or earplugs.”

      I’m pretty sure this is what she meant.
      Because it is what -I- mean.

  3. I was playing with Stella McCartney’s kids and they made nary a peep

  4. In England, they call children “lorries.”

  5. it is funny because her children were also interviewed and they said, “We would love to have another parent at some point.”

    • Right? “Go get some sleep in the south wing of the mansion, Pretend Mommy. Where’s the nanny? She actually does want to hear my fart jokes instead of using them as fodder for late night talk show appearances.”

  6. I also have “two healthy, nice ones”! Gweneth and I have so much in common except that I named my kids normal names, I don’t have a rock star husband, don’t have bat wings, and I am not a living nightmare. Other than that, TWINSIES!!

  7. the only good Gwyneth Paltrow is a dead Gwyneth Paltrow

    I don’t really think that, but I’m supposed to include at least one reference from 2 hours ago in my post, right?

  8. “I started to with all these toys that makes noise, instead of smashing the toys when I haven’t slept and, like, lose my mind”

    What the fuck kind of sentence is this? She said this out loud? Is she Da Cake Eatur?

  9. They say you lose 2.5% brain function after giving birth. Lets just attribute slip-ups like this to he deficit and talk about bad television and small horses.

  10. Someone should get Ms. Paltrow’s children some earplugs… so they don’t have to listen to the goop that comes out of her mouth! Right, you guys?

  11. Smashing the Toys” is what she meant. It’s the name of Coldplay’s next album.

    • Sample lyric:
      “All the noise, noise, noise from the toys, toys, toys.”

      This is the chorus from the title track. The track is built around a delicate piano arpeggio while Martin’s voice is wrapped in a fair amount of plate reverb. The first pre-chorus introduces some faint strings before an unoffending distorted guitar takes over. It’s overwhelmingly safe and average.

      This is the artwork:

  12. Sprout if it’s a girl, Detox if it’s a boy.

  13. She can name the next kid Drizzle! Sorry, Glee reference.

  14. I wonder how frustrating I would be if I were a beautiful rich person… I would certainly appear on late night shows and definitely just grin a lot and talk about how great things were. I guess I would also be The Worst to a lot of bloggers. There but for the grace of God go I…

  15. make me videogum senior GP tipster already and no one gets hurt.

  16. Oh man Gwyneth Paltrow. I am not a parent, but I have been an au pair, and lived in the same house as three children between the ages of 1 and 10, and during that time (over a year) I learned not to judge the adult companions of screaming babies in public. Sometimes–really, most of the time–you cannot control the behavior of small children, and the more frustrated you get, the worse they behave. Especially babies; your stress is not going to calm an angry baby.

    But you know what? I am going to judge you for wearing earplugs. If you want your kids not to play with noisy toys at bedtime, do not allow them to keep those toys in the bedroom. That’s all there is to it, you fucking lunatic.

  17. One bad Apple will spoil the whole damn bunch.

  18. We should have a “Name Gwyneth Paltrow’s Next Child” Competition. I’ll start: Perfume

  19. How she came to the decision for more kids:
    “I know the quaintest little place we can go children, YOU MUST TRY THE TAPAS, they are simply sublime. So, how are you children? Wow, you are all boring. Maybe the next one will know how to carry on a decent conversation, and have some good taste. I’m looking at you Apple.”

  20. Gwyneth Paltrow’s next child: Snapple

  21. You know those subway ads that say never to shake a baby? Um clearly whoever made those ads must never have had kids, lol

  22. Will anything come out of my wife’s mouth that is NOT full of wisdom!!! I LOVE THIS WOMEN!

  23. I worked in at major office supply retail chain for three and a half years. It was a good place to work, they worked with my school schedule, and my extra curricular activities (debate nerd). They gave me several merit raises, which helped me as a struggling college student. The only major downside was having to listen to Gwyneth fucking Paltrow and Huey goddamn Lewis sing “Cruisin’” every fucking day. I hate you Gwyneth Paltrow.

    • and then when you complained Jane Lynch was like STFU Paul Rudd and do your job

    • AHHHH they played that over and over when I worked in the bakery at Whole Foods. I just had a horrible flashback reading your comment. Holy shit there was just so much goopy (ha) muffin batter and so many burns… what an awful time in my life… what a horrible store/song/woman

    • That Huey Lewis guy, though, he is a stand-up fella. Isn’t he due for a comeback?

  24. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2010 +19

    Another question we can ask is which young child actress of today will portray Gwyneth Paltrow in the sequel to Mommie Dearest, based on the future tell-all memoir of Banana Hamilton Paltrow-Martin?

  25. Lil Marcy

  26. i everything want you see go to ready

  27. Smoke Monster Locke Paltrow

  28. I’m sorry but whenever anyone says, “two healthy nice ones” I think they are talking about boobs.

    • Don’t apologize for that.

    • I’m sorry it took me this long to find a comment equating “two healthy, nice ones” with boobs.

      Seriously, you guys, we don’t even necessarily know she IS talking about her children. Maybe she’s been breastfeeding and is happy with the results.

  29. If her children are anything like her, it seems only natural that she would want to plug her ears to shut out the utter horror. “Mummy, William Joel gave me a bright shiny lorry and I decided to lord it over all the children under the pretense that I was sharing some inner-sense-of-wisdom-not-born-of-pretense over them. Please may I take it to the lawn and play in my $50,000,000 diamond dust box?”

  30. “I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.” – Gwyneth Paltrow’s Modest Proposal.

  31. I need a reading comprehension quiz at the end of this, because I’m honestly confused about whether her children are having tantrums, or she is having a tantrum about her Nice Ones.

    Or maybe a nice matching activity. You know, match the plug with the correct orifice.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.