Scott Baio walked into a bar.

“Not you again,” the bartender said. Scott Baio didn’t respond, he just pointed at an American flag lapel pin on the blazer he was wearing over a Senor Frogs t-shirt.

Scott Baio sat at the bar. The bartender, as usual, was ignoring him. He ignored Scott Baio every time Scott Baio came into his bar, because he hated Scott Baio. It had all started with his racist Michelle Obama Twitter joke. This week, he had been surprised to discover Scott Baio in the news again, once more due to Twitter, this time getting into some kind of flame war with some blog? The bartender wasn’t sure he even knew what a blog was, and he only heard about Twitter because of his past encounter with Scott Baio, but if there was one thing he did know, it was human beings who were messes. And he hated messes in his bar.

“Hey, buddy, come here,” Scott Baio said to the bartender. “I want to show you something.”

The bartender reluctantly turned around, knowing what was coming, and he saw that Scott Baio was pulling out his wallet.

“Ugh,” the bartender said. “If you show me a picture of some woman that you tore out of a magazine who you believe is entitled to her opinion, as if that is a belief that people even need to express at this point, I am going to throw ice in your face and I’m never going to talk to you again.”

Scott Baio rifled through the windowpane credit card holder, past the Tim Horton’s punch card, the Jiffy-Lube Preferred Customer card, and the Fudrucker’s punch card until he found what he was looking for. It was a picture of a woman wearing a sports bra and a sweatband around her head. He removed the photo from his wallet and pushed it across the bar. Scott Baio cleared his throat theatrically.

“Now, would a person who had deep-seated issues with women carry around a picture of a woman, who is totally entitled to have her own opinion and even register for a driver’s license if she wanted to, and who no one should ever call a sopping cunt rag unless she was really acting like one, in his wallet? And guess what? I didn’t tear it out of a magazine, it came in a picture frame. So you don’t know anything, and women love picture frames you idiot.”

The bartender threw ice in Scott Baio’s face.

“You can’t just throw ice in someone’s face!” Scott Baio shouted. “This is America!”

“It seems to me that the type of person who would shout ‘This is America!’ has a vision of this country in which you absolutely can just throw ice in someone’s face.”

Scott Baio fell silent and thought about what the bartender had said for an astonishingly long time. Then he slowly nodded. “You might have me there, chief,” Scott Baio said. “I might not like the way you throw ice in people’s faces, but I will fight to the death to defend your right to throw it. George W. Bush.”


“You don’t recognize that? It’s one of the more famous quotes from the greatest President who ever lived, George W. Bush.”

“First of all, that’s not a quote from George W. Bush, second of all you would not fight for the death for anything, and third, get out of my bar.”

“Just one Jaegerbomb, pleaasssssse?!”

The bartender crossed his arms across his chest. Scott Baio, pouting, looked down at the bar. Water from the ice had spotted his photograph of the woman. Now Scott was furious. “Look what you did, you stupid homosexual Jew! Where am I going to get another photo of a woman? I bought the picture frame this one came in at a dollar store in the early 1990s. A dollar store that is now CLOSED.”

The bartender stared at Scott Baio. “You hang yourself with your own rope, Scott Baio.”


Scott Baio glared at the bartender as he crumpled up the picture of the woman and threw it on the ground. “Stupid bitch,” he said. Scott Baio placed both hands on the bar and slowly pushed himself back, and then he stood staring at the bartender.

“I will find another picture of a woman,” Scott Baio said, “no matter how long it takes. And when I do, I’m going to come back here, and I’m going to show it to you, and you’re going to realize that I have more character in my piss than you have piss in your whole bar.”

The bartender furrowed his brow. That one was difficult to work through, even for a pretty intelligent and politically engaged bartender.

He made the heil-Hitler hand gesture. “Take back the night!” And then Scott Baio walked out into the pussy-scented evening.

Comments (70)
  1. “Sign my petition to end women’s suffrage.” – Scott Baio 4Evah

  2. Scott Baio’s wallet is an encyclopaedic tour de force of all things off-white and feminine… What’s amazing is that he even has room for a $100 bill in there with a bell on it.

  3. Move over, Zapped. Scott Baio has a new favorite narrative.

  4. I am currently reading The Game (the pick up artist book, #bookgum) and within the first few chapters, Neil Strauss tells a story of Mystery picking up Scott Baio’s date right in front of him. Choosing between magic clown and Scott Baio must have been the easiest decision of that girl’s life.

  5. If I had a nickel for every time I’d walked out into a pussy-scented evening, I’d… hrm.

    Well, I’d have more than Stephen Baldwin, at least.

  6. Watch out, Videogum, Scott Baio and Mrs. Scott Baio may be reporting this site and its commenting policy to The Attorney General RIGHT NOW.

    Which A.G.? On what grounds? No one but the Baios, and the photos of people they may or may not keep in their respective wallets, truly know.

  7. I’m not sure how this can qualify as a YCMIU, because I’m pretty sure that anyone that’s seen Scott Baio more than once has uttered “not you again” and been forced to view the contents of his wallet. These guys know what I’m talking about:

  8. I saw a commercial the other day for celebrities who’ve had paranormal encounters, and Scott Baio was in it for about 2 seconds. And in those 2 seconds he managed to call everyone on Earth a lesbian.

  9. I didn’t think anything could ever top You Can Make it Up: Wild Hogs 3, but now I don’t know.

    Once, John Travolta tried to secret the pill away in his cheek and spit it out later, as an act of impotent defiance, but Sylvia caught him. She made him swallow the medication, and then she gave him a very harsh talking to in front of everyone. Now John Travolta took his blood pressure medication without complaint, it just made things easier.


    He made the heil-Hitler hand gesture. “Take back the night!” And then Scott Baio walked out into the pussy-scented evening.

    Discuss #comparitivelitgum

  10. Would a racist have a name that makes me think of calypso/Beetlejuice?


    QED, y’all.

  11. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Apr 22nd, 2010 +11

    First Scott Baio had to find a new picture of a non-animal-owner for his wallet since Gabe adopted Birdie, and now this! What a rough week!

  12. I directed 41 episodes of Charles In Charge, what have you done with your life? You’re just a lowly bartender, I hope you give someone too much Zima and they die of alcohol poisoning and ravaged by guilt you kill yourself

  13. I am worried about commenting on this post just on the SLIGHTEST chance that my picture will then have to be added to Scott Baio’s wallet.

    Who really wants anything representing their face that close to his ass?

  14. when is he going to join the cast of jersey shore?

  15. I think Scott Baio might be downrating everybody.

  16. I’m glad this was open-ended…..I think Scott’s going to provide us with some more great sequels.

  17. It seems to me that the type of celebrity that would write racist/sexist garbage has a vision of a blogosphere in which you absolutely can just write about Scott Baio. I thought this was supposed to be fiction.

  18. You Can Make It Up: Scott Baio Gets “Zapped” By The Bloggers

    Scott Baio got his ass infected with some experimental radiological fluid that was in a beaker in his high school chemistry class in 1982 when he was 22 years old (source: IMDB). This gave him the power to telekinetically “zap” dresses off of ladies. He used this power to his advantage and it was terrific.

    Later, in the future where no one has any privacy, Scott Baio made some comments on his twitter contraption that The Bloggers decided to focus on and rebuke because they are too lazy to do any actual journalism and have to rely on what ever they can find easily on the internet to point at and rebuke and reprehend, rather than investigate. And so Scott Baio’s commentary was a big fucking deal because no one had journalistic ambitions in the Future and yay did he suffer much in the way of rebuke and torment. Move over, Haiti kids who are starving to death.

    So Scott Baio was himself “zapped” (metaphorically) in an ironic internet twist of e-Fate. He sat alone in the Monsters Plantation ride in the Six Flags theme park in Atlanta, crying and weeping. Why didn’t any one like him? So he decided it was time to end it all. He pulled out his antique confederate revolver and was about to insert the barrel in to his mouth, when suddenly his Guardian Angel Steve Winwood appeared in a glowing cloud of mist and sang a little tune to comfort him in his darkest hour:

    “Tables Turned
    Lessons Learned
    You Get Burned
    For Playing By The Rules”

    And that was when Scott Baio realized that it was wrong to telekinetically remove ladies’ clothing, no matter how hilarious it may have seemed in a fabulous movie from 1982.

    The End

    • I…am…sorry, I don’t think I follow you. I’m going to upvote you anyways, for effort , but I really need someone to do an explanation of your comment in Gabe’s Lost recap style.

    • I hope this guy knows what you’re talking about, b/c I sure don’t follow.

      • Aw COME ON guys! Have you not seen the movie Zapped!? Am I the only one who has seen this movie? I have it on a VHS tape cassette, no lie.

        • Zapped! is a terrible film.

        • Hmm, should I see a movie recommended by Winwood? YES! As soon as I find it at my local thrift store I will watch it and report back. Stay tuned for my review of Steve Winwood Presents: Zapped!

        • I remember thinking Zapped! was hilarious when I saw it in high school! (P.S. I also thought levitating makeouts would be super hot!)

          But there was a time (4 realz, you guys, and I am embarrassed to say this) when I thought Tucker Max was hilarious. So Zapped! might not hold up to my adult viewing.

          Either way, you get an Upvote for Effort as far as I’m concerned. I am a little confused about the equivalence of playing a role in a movie and making very public statements deriding women and minorities, but last I checked, this site wasn’t called Logicgum.

  19. I feel like he will somehow sense the negative internet energy from over here and come after us next … like can SEE us now.

  20. You could rename this one “Scott Baio has Stolen Whoa’s Wallet.” Not proud of it, but it’s pretty much true.

  21. UGH. You know what I hate more than Baio’s asshole-ity? His wife’s.

    I am ESPECIALLY offended as a far-left lesbian feminazi cunt.

  22. I’m a bartender! I do important things!

    (The bartender was Angelina all along.)

  23. Merry Christmas, kind humans.

  24. I’m pretty sure in this story the bartender is Gabe.

  25. Remember this, lets go back to the good ‘ol apolitical days.

  26. Next week’s YCMIU: Stephen Baldwin Gets a Picture of Scott Baio’s Wife’s Best Friend (WHO IS BLACK) Tattoed on His Ass

  27. Tim Hortons? This isn’t Canada! This is America!* Can’t you leave Canada out of this? We posted a photo of Scott Baio’s face at the border to keep him out. In fact, all Canadians have photos of Scott Baio in their wallet so they can recognize him immediately and report him to the proper authorities. (The mounties always get their Scott Baio.)

    *I am aware that there are Tim Hortons in America. But it still seems wrong.

  28. Is this a game now? How much smack do we have to talk about Scott Baio before we show up on his publicist’s radar and wind up on his shit list? I like it! I think we can win this game!

    (And by “win,” I mean that we can be called reprehensible names by a grown man and his rented wife, after which they will make threats of legal recourse that serve to highlight their tenuous grasp on the function of the American justice system. Awesome!)

    Also, Scott Baio eats orphans for breakfast, so that his taxes don’t have to feed and clothe them. Socialism.

    • Wow. I don’t think any word has ever contributed so much to the tone of a slam as the word “rented” did in this one.

      A lot of exceptional work in this thread. Excellent work, everyone. I am simply not at your level so I’ll stay on the sidelines and cheer.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.