Look, just because this website has a mascot now doesn’t mean that all we’re going to talk about is mascots and how cute mascots are and the smells emanating from mascots and how nervous we all get when the mascots were barfing this morning for some reason although the mascots seem fine now and are actually resting against our ankle as we type this. But, at least for this week, mascots, you guys, am I right? Having a living thing in your house that is so small and so easy to not keep alive if you do it wrong is very stressful in some ways! In other ways it is not stressful at all, it is just string. You just really get a new perspective on the fragility of things, you know? Because life is precious, and God, and the Bible, and pupppppiiiiiiiiiiies.

What I’m trying to say is that we should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy, whether that thing is the cutest little Beanie Baby that has ever lived, or is a seven-foot-tall balloon sculpture of Optimus Prime (1984-version) in your dining room.

To be fair to this guy, while some of us might prefer the warmth and comfort of puppies, I bet you his Transformers balloon sculpture isn’t nearly as frustrating when you’re standing outside at 5:30 in the morning wondering why it won’t poop. It poops right away and then back to bed!

Comments (54)
  1. “He doesn’t lean against the wall. He stands up under his own weight.”

    I’d just like to point out that this Opitmus Prime is made out of air. So, maybe it being able to support its own weight is one of the lesser impressive things about it.

  2. Man, I always thought Transformers blew.

  3. Best fight scene dialogue of all time:

    Megatron, dodges a lazer blast from Optimus Prime: “You missed, Prime! Mistake… number… one…”

    Then Optimus Prime shoots at him again and misses and Megatron says, “Mistake … number… twoooo…”

    Oh wow, good one, “Megatron”, pffffffftttttttttt whatevs

  4. Autobots: blow out (up?)!

  5. Hi Birdie!


    I wish I could scratch your tummy!

  6. Guys, I’m not sure why you’re making this guy out to be a weirdo. I mean, WE all have Shia LaBeouf blow-up dolls in our rooms, right? Right?? You guys do that too, yeah? … You guys?

  7. Thing were going great until the balloon megatron popped balloon optimus

  8. How many gigawatts of static electricity do you think this guy makes on a Friday night?

  9. No Youtube comment will ever be better than this Youtube comment from LorelaiMission:

    “Here we see the creative difference between somebody who knows how to make a standard balloon poodle and someone who UNDERSTANDS the potential of balloons!”

    POTENTIAL OF BALLOONS! 2010!

  10. I think it’s safe to say this guy took Weird Al’s “Dare To Be Stupid” to heart.

  11. Balloon Transformers: Directed by Micheal Bay and starring Megan Fox

    Coming Soon

  12. To be fair to this guy, while some of us might prefer the warmth and comfort of puppies, I bet you his Transformers balloon sculpture isn’t nearly as frustrating when you’re standing outside at 5:30 in the morning wondering why it won’t poop.

    not to rub it in or anything, but backyards are really the best for mascots and mascot handlers. our new mascot is hairless, and mexican, and the best.

    http://tinypic.com/m/9v8ia0/3

  13. OK, what’s the motive here?

    Most EXTREME projects are undertaken to 1) make money or 2) get laid.

    If there’s a big aftermarket for these things or, even better, a bewitching neighbor with a macramé Unicron, I withdraw my complaint.

    • “What?! dammit, I got played” – I say while wearing the same clothes from yesterday.

    • I will upvote every single comment you ever make, because Bellhorn. Dude owns the top three spots in my surprise home runs of the postseason list (there are only three spots). Also, my crappy town’s wikipedia page claims he was born there, while his wiki page is all “I totally don’t know what that shit-hole is talking about, dude’s born in Boston.”

      I bet you could pass the test I screamed at fans who pissed me off after 04 (often asking for directions on the T to Fenway, who the fuck needed directions before 04?) :”Name five guys from earlier 2000′s rosters who weren’t on the 04 team.

  14. Can I have this for my birthday party? Or someones? My sister’s wedding is coming up. I’m sure she would be ALL OVER THIS! *awesome*

  15. Don’t let Michael Bay near this, he’ll just pop it. Asshole.

  16. So when he says that the arms stay in place and can rotate because of flowers, does that just mean balloon flower? Or is that just some kind of crazy balloon jargon that no one has ever heard of?

  17. When I was a kid I just put a pot over the puke and waited for my mom to come home, you should do the same thing.

  18. sometimes in the mornings puppies will throw up because their tummies are empty. usually once they get used to a definite time line of feedings this diminishes. (the more you know! about puppies!)

  19. Birdie, you and me both. Just tried to eat some microwave meal chicken enchilada thing. It’s in the trash now and my stomach is still churching. They might be easy, but don’t be fooled. They are worst! Trying to be an adult with a day job is detrimental to my health.

  20. The Matrix of Leadership saved this thing. I thought it looked like a total waste of time before he pointed it out.

  21. I’m realizing my puppy-owning fantasies through Gabe. It’s wonderful, and as long as I keep looking at pictures of adorable animals the crushing feeling of crippling loneliness can’t get to me.

  22. Oh man. Just wait until you accidentally hurt the tiny living creature. The fear and guilt and shame and horror, you will never know you could feel those emotions so intensely until you cause pain to something so little and helpless. And when you comfort it and discover that you haven’t broken it and everything is in fact just fine, the relief, oh the relief. But feelings! It’s great to be human, guys.

    • just this morning i whacked my baby in the head opening the dryer. i didn’t know he was standing there! it made such a hollow “THUNK” noise! when i yanked the door back in alarm he was just standing there wagging his tail like a doofus.

    • Oh my god, Gabe. Be VERY CAREFUL about trimming Birdie’s nails. If you don’t keep up with it, the nerve grows further out and the yelps and puppy blood that ensue when you unwittingly nick one will haunt you for the rest of your life.

      Actually, don’t even do it yourself.

      • I feel like a daycare employee that assumes you have no idea how to raise your own child. Sorry.

      • I asked my vet for ‘tips’ in trimming my dogs nails and he said he practiced on dogs that were under anesthesia at vet school: “So if I cut them too short and they bled it wasn’t so bad.”

        “So, no tips then.”

        “Get used to blood? or bring him in for a trim”

        but I can’t pay $30 a month to get my dogs nails trimmed…but then I was told that if you leave the nails too long for too long then your puppy will get doggy arthritis and be crippled …and my dog already has low bone density because he was neutered too early??? I got him when he was two so that one isn’t on me but seriously #DOG GUILT!

        Also: SIMON (who is sort of my dog) keeps eating string and SOMEONE (not me) has to keep PULLING the poop covered string out of his asshole the next day. So…BE AWARE.

        Being responsible for a living being is soo hard guys. ugh. who knew?


      • Pedipaws, you guys! It files the nails down a little at a time so you don’t have to worry as much about cutting them too short. I’m lucky that my dog has mostly white nails, tho, so I can see the quick. He took some time to get used to it, but now he holds still in exchange for a big spoon of peanut butter. I was feeling like such a good mom until you mentioned low bone density from being neutered too early!?! Now I have to go google that to see how guilty I should feel, even though it was a requirement for adoption…

  23. I’d like to see this guy make some balloon suspenders

  24. Just curious, did you have to buy Biridie or did you adopt? I’m only asking cos I love Shiba Inus but I thought they were hard to come by.

  25. I was going to make a hardy-har-har joke about Optimus Prime meeting his untimely demise after an unlikely yet promising encounter with Miley Cyrus, but I see you guys are talking about puppies now. So, uh, I’ll go back to playing solitaire now…

  26. Is that human figurine a pirate holding a sword?

  27. Oh to be a pin on that wall.

  28. So what does Balloon Optimus transform into? A pile of shredded plastic?


  29. Welcome to this week’s Reverse Commentator Ball. Steve Is out at a Harmony Korine film festival today so I will be filling out for him. We had a fun week, we are still anticipating Katherine Chloe Cahoon’s Music Video, but I am in good authority to report that they are one scene away from finishing principal shooting. Look for that in the upcoming weeks.
    After the scroll, the five Highest Rated post, as voted on by me, the Lowest Rated post, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.
    Top Five
    5. The Petting Zoo
    4. Warning: This Photo Of Idris Elba Kills Women
    3. A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Vertigo, NOT Citizen Kane, Named Best Film In Sight & Sound Poll
    2. Billionaire Finally Attempting IRL Jurassic Park
    1. Oh, Actually, Boycott Chick-Fil-A
    [Ed. Note: Every once in a while I ask myself, “Why would I, a man whose shirt says 'Genius at Work' spend all his time reading a mid-size pop culture blog?" Then I read a post like FIl-A and it all makes sense. PS. This Week In GIFs! Was actually number 3, but we all know that this is a blog about visual arts and therefore moving images are disqualified from the top 5.]
    Editors Choice & Associate Editor’s Choice
    Krispy Kreme Gets Pranked.
    This Is Just A Very Good Commercial For Ice Cream
    [Ed. Note: These are just the best type of weird Internet video junk out there. They’re funny, quick, and best expressed in the medium. Congratulations, you’ve earned it.]
    Worst Post of the week
    Top 10 Reasons NOT To Vote For Barack Obama
    [Ed. Note: This is like Bill O’reilly and Honey Boo Boo Child had an abomination. This video was funny and all, the write up and comments were great but it bothered me too much to find the lighter side of it.]


    • Welcome to this week’s Reverse Commentator Ball. Steve Is out at a Harmony Korine film festival today so I will be filling out for him. We had a fun week, we are still anticipating Katherine Chloe Cahoon’s Music Video, but I am in good authority to report that they are one scene away from finishing principal shooting. Look for that in the upcoming weeks.
      After the scroll, the five Highest Rated post, as voted on by me, the Lowest Rated post, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.
      Top Five
      5. The Petting Zoo
      4. Warning: This Photo Of Idris Elba Kills Women
      3. A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Vertigo, NOT Citizen Kane, Named Best Film In Sight & Sound Poll
      2. Billionaire Finally Attempting IRL Jurassic Park
      1. Oh, Actually, Boycott Chick-Fil-A
      [Ed. Note: Every once in a while I ask myself, “Why would I, a man whose shirt says 'Genius at Work' spend all his time reading a mid-size pop culture blog?" Then I read a post like FIl-A and it all makes sense. PS. This Week In GIFs! Was actually number 3, but we all know that this is a blog about visual arts and therefore moving images are disqualified from the top 5.]
      Editors Choice & Associate Editor’s Choice
      Krispy Kreme Gets Pranked.
      This Is Just A Very Good Commercial For Ice Cream
      [Ed. Note: These are just the best type of weird Internet video junk out there. They’re funny, quick, and best expressed in the medium. Congratulations, you’ve earned it.]
      Worst Post of the week
      Top 10 Reasons NOT To Vote For Barack Obama
      [Ed. Note: This is like Bill O’reilly and Honey Boo Boo Child had an abomination. This video was funny and all, the write up and comments were great but it bothered me too much to find the lighter side of it.]

  30. Top Five
    Top Five
    Top Five


  31. Welcome to this week’s Reverse Commentator Ball. Steve Is out at a Harmony Korine film festival today so I will be filling out for him. We had a fun week, we are still anticipating Katherine Chloe Cahoon’s Music Video, but I am in good authority to report that they are one scene away from finishing principal shooting. Look for that in the upcoming weeks.
    After the scroll, the five Highest Rated post, as voted on by me, the Lowest Rated post, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.
    Top Five
    5. The Petting Zoo
    4. Warning: This Photo Of Idris Elba Kills Women
    3. A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Vertigo, NOT Citizen Kane, Named Best Film In Sight & Sound Poll
    2. Billionaire Finally Attempting IRL Jurassic Park
    1. Oh, Actually, Boycott Chick-Fil-A
    [Ed. Note: Every once in a while I ask myself, “Why would I, a man whose shirt says 'Genius at Work' spend all his time reading a mid-size pop culture blog?" Then I read a post like FIl-A and it all makes sense. PS. This Week In GIFs! Was actually number 3, but we all know that this is a blog about visual arts and therefore moving images are disqualified from the top 5.]
    Editors Choice & Associate Editor’s Choice
    Krispy Kreme Gets Pranked.
    This Is Just A Very Good Commercial For Ice Cream
    [Ed. Note: These are just the best type of weird Internet video junk out there. They’re funny, quick, and best expressed in the medium. Congratulations, you’ve earned it.]
    Worst Post of the week
    Top 10 Reasons NOT To Vote For Barack Obama
    [Ed. Note: This is like Bill O’reilly and Honey Boo Boo Child had an abomination. This video was funny and all, the write up and comments were great but it bothered me too much to find the lighter side of it.]

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