AHHHH. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAA!

Oh man. Oh MAN! What? WHAT?! Goooooood charitable movement.

“We’re all quitting what we’ve been doing and doing this now.”
–Everyone at Habitat for Humanity

The only thing that REALLY confuses me about this is how it is possible that this video has been up since last December and still only has 1,400 views. OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE. God needs our help, because I guess He is embarrassed? And the way to help him is to send a small charitable donation to Stephen Baldwin via some dude somewhere.

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

There is a Q&A on the website (which is so real, if anything it is TOO real) that I will let you read for yourself, but there are some supergood Q’s on there, like:

  • Q- Why doesn’t his family help him?
  • Q- Why does Stephen need personal wealth?
  • Q- How much money does he need?
  • Q- Is this about the economy?
  • Q- Am I saying that Stephen is equal to Job in his faith?
  • Q- Is the site secure for credit cards?

Very good questions. And you will all be happy to know that the answer to the last question is YES! The site is “as secure as any major online store.”

You should really listen to a radio interview with the founder of Restore Stephen Baldwin after the jump. NO SPOILERS, but it all started with an episode of CELEBRITY APPRENTICE:

Oh look, celebrity endorsements!

The cool thing about this movement is that it is DEFINITELY going to work. I actually heard that they’re doing an emergency re-edit of Iron Man 2 and CGI’ing Stephen Baldwin’s restored face over Robert Downey Jr.’s hell face. Just kidding. The movement to restore Stephen Baldwin is determined to get him to the height of his career BEFORE his Christianity turned him into a Hollywood laughingstock. Which I think means that we are all working together to get Threesome 2: The Streets off the ground. And also Biodome 2: Cradle of Life. If you or anyone that you love is interested in donating to Stephen Baldwin and helping to restore him, whatever that means, please click below:

Thank you thank you thank you for the tip, Nathan.

Comments (122)
  1. How about you send your money to restore Haiti, or send money to restore some sense of decency to the catholic church (by endorsing them closing their doors, selling off all of their stolen treasures, and releasing the vatican city as a plot of land for those disenfranchised by the church lo the last 2 millennia. (Thank you Sarah Silverman))

    • i dont think catholics have anything to do with this effort. unless you are suggesting evangelicals go on some sort of jewel heist, which sounds like it could be a good movie. a movie starring stephen baldwin.

    • Just days after the earthquake in Haiti Catholic Relief Services had raised over $13 million for support and was working alongside the Red Cross to support the victims in Port Au Prince. The Catholic Church is one of if not the largest organization directly involved in social justice throughout the world.
      Of all the fights you could pick with the church (abuse, gay rights, monogamy in the priesthood), the issue of charity isn’t really an issue. Sorry to go all Catholicgum.

      I’m sure Stephen Baldwin could easily ‘restore’ himself to SyFy original movies.

      • Upvotes for you.

      • Let’s get real. The Catholic church only acts as a charity for opportunistic reasons. They are really going to impoverished areas providing aid in the hopes of proselytizing to those people who need physical help from poverty and disaster, not religion. The church always protects it’s only self interests first.

      • I am upvoting this so hard. Don’t even know why.

      • Dude, charity wasn’t my fight, it was the fact that this organization has killed people in the name of God, and continues to allow children to be raped and harmed while they look the other way and blame anti-church conspiracy theories. My point was, organized religion is a sick joke and this campaign proves it.

        • Oh fuck, now I’ve done it

        • Look guys, I was baptised catholic, and I have many friends and family who are devout and practicing catholics. I have no problem with God, the Bible, etc. My issue is the Men who take up that cause and that cross and then proceed to abuse people. Long history of manipulation in all organized religions, I just singled out catholics, obviously incorrectly.

          My main point (which got lost through groupthink I guess) is that these evangelicals should be taking up this kind of cause for REAL poor people. Real people who dont have famous last names and famous siblings who can ensure they live a decent life, bankrupt or not. Maybe stephen baldwin should have saved some more of his money and lived a bit more frugally or Humbly, and he may not be in the pickle he is in. Nevermind an island that has been impoverished for-almost-ever and also has a large proportion of catholics.

          Sorry if I offended anyone, peace.

          • I HAVE PICTURES OF CATHOLICS IN MY WALLET!!

          • May I point out that people do pretty evil things both with and without organized religion, because they are all, in fact, human? Plus people definitely use organized religion as a vehicle to do pretty nasty things and then distort the religion to blame it.

            But yeah, the comparison to Job is pretty ridiculous. If you’re familiar with Job’s story, alienating people and mishandling his money wasn’t his problem, so sorry, Stephen. Other people actually need that money to feed/hydrate/shelter/heal themselves.

        • But… he’s a born again Christian and not a Catholic? So I am confusedgum.

      • ummm… I wish I could upvote this more. I’m sorry.

      • Right. Maybe they should save their money for child abuse settlements. Or to keep nuns form getting evicted (because the church has to pay child abuse settlements).

        http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/03/AR2007100302353.html

  2. I’ll wait to donate until the song collaboration “We are the Worst” (featuring Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed) is released.

  3. Sorry, I already gave all my money to RESTORE PAULY SHORE. Catchier.

  4. There’s always money in the banana stand.

  5. Looks like Stephen became a Born Again Christian to save his soul… patch. Amiright, you guys?

  6. Why can’t god just let Stephen Baldwin be great?

  7. i have a professor, who also happens to be a state senator, who keeps a framed picture of mr. baldwin on a shelf in his office. the photo was taken with the former occupant of this government office, and he keeps this picture merely as a way to conceal a bottle of rum.

  8. “Q- What happened to his wealth?
    A- When he became an outspoken Christian in 2002 his income went down by 70% when he refused roles with gratuitous sex and violence.”
    Yep, cause he was SWIMMING in roles before that!

  9. Stephen BaldFAIL, amirite?

  10. “Restore Stephen Baldwin,” weeknights on TLC.

  11. is it weird that i cant stop screaming?

  12. That’s what he gets for stealing Ben Stiller’s girlfriend.

  13. theres a line that i think is saying “this will bring glory to god… publicly” but i keep hearing “this will bring glory to god…probably

  14. yeah this makes sense. reformed christian actors really do get so persecuted. we have a real daniel in the den full of shit here. man the only baldwin i ever liked is jane from firefly, and hes not even related to late baldwin brothers(damn u canada)

  15. That newspaper seems oddly obsessed with stories about Stephen Baldwin.

  16. This hurts my heart.

  17. At 01:45, I thought I heard the narrator say, “…and God will get all the glory. Probably.”

  18. Obvz I don’t work for Goldman Sachs or anything but I feel like there were a lot of borderline illegal/very least shady things being discussed in those “celebrity endorsement” videos.
    “Hi, I’m Pastor Chris. I take my ministry into public schools where I get kids out of class and give them candy so they like me but don’t worry I don’t say Jesus til after the bell rings.”
    And the last guy “Stephen has many ministries. This one is a non-profit…but not tax-exempt. This other one is sort tax-exempt. This other one is about extreme sports?” I’m confused!

    • I do work for Goldman Sachs, and I’m long on Stephen Baldwin. (wink) In a volatile but bullish market like this, you really want to diversify your Baldwin portfolio. Those of you with a higher tolerance for risk can put your money in Stephen’s ministries (shoebox under his bed), expecting a pretty hefty return when he’s restored — like perhaps, I don’ t know, eternal salvation? If you’re looking for a dependable but slow growth Baldwin, stick with Alec; if you’re ready to risk everlasting paradise, always bet on Stephen.

      Yahoo Money signing off.

  19. I am waiting for Pat Robertson to denounce Stephen Baldwin, due to the publicly known about deal with the devil that Baldwin made in order to ensure that “Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas” got produced.

  20. Can I just send them my Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas DVD so they can sell it on half.com or something?

  21. I’d rather restore Pauly Shore…and by that I mean, I wouldn’t even restore Pauly Shore.

  22. If hardcore Christians can’t work in Hollywood then how come Kirk Cameron gets so many plumb roles?

  23. Steven Baldwin tried to cut me and a bunch of other people waiting in line at a Nyack Starbucks about three years ago. After signing a coffee cup for the cashier he started to order something, and three or four of us complete strangers (myself included) simultaneously shouted “hey, there’s a line”. He got his drink anyway… but I learned a lesson guys. I learned that persecution comes in all shapes an sizes… and obviously, this modern incarnate of Job needed a six pump chai… stat… and all of us demon-inspired naysayers were just denying this humble servants fleshly needs. I really hope RSB works, because flavor shots are god-damned expensive.

  24. BALDWIN RESTORED – “The Times” front page

  25. I HATE when I am ridiculed and insulted by the public who thinks that I was abandoned by god…it is the WUUURST!

  26. If he thinks he’s going through a tough time now, just wait until Zoolander takes Blue Steel back (or Le Tigre, or Ninja, tough to tell.)

  27. This is a real bell in the inkwell for the charity community.

  28. Sounds like this new Job needs a new job.

  29. I’m going to donate by having them transfer funds over from my After the Rapture Pet Care account. These are the same guys, right?

  30. All the Glory will go to God. All the money will go to Stephen Baldwin.

  31. Such a trustworthy voice over. I’m finding it hard not to contribute. Pre-tax of course.

  32. And then there’s this, as cited on his Wikipedia entry: “Baldwin stated that his kids love the Hannah Montanna show and that 2 years ago when he met the singer by chance he made a pact with Miley that if he got a Hannah Montanna tattoo that he would be allowed to make a cameo appearance on Miley’s Cyrus’s Hannah Montanna show. He said that Miley Cyrus was gobsmacked when he returned later to show her the tattoo. He also stated that he has yet to be offered a guest spot on the show.”

    Well done, Miley Cyrus. Well done.

    • Buuut, it actually just says “HM”:

      ..so he can just pretend it stands for “Honorable Mention” (because Occam’s Razor).

      • Why is “Daddy” tattoo in quotes? Is he not actually his kids’ Dad? Is it an homage to some older man who wasn’t his father? I need to know…

  33. Oh good, 100% of the money goes directly to Stephen Baldwin, for a second I was worried that my very important donation was going to go to waste.

  34. Wait, I’m confused- this isn’t about giving Stephen Baldwin his foreskin back?

  35. Uhh. That is too many social networks, you guys.

  36. WHICH BALDWIN IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING BALDWIN PLEASE?!

  37. If only Gob knew his name was being taken in vain.

    “Miracles, Michael. Tricks are what Stephen Baldwin does for money”

  38. By invoking Job, he’s comparing himself to him right? But he’s the one that’s refusing the roles, not God killing his family and taking his wealth. Nevermind, it’s basically the same story.
    Stephen Baldwin=Job

  39. I don’t have enough time to wrap my puny little brain around this. Is this for real? Also, I need help eating.

  40. “The people” didn’t “restore Job,” voiceover guy, “God” did. After He had taken everything away from Job, basically on a dare from Satan, because Fuck you, I’m God, I can do anything and this fucker Job will still love me.

    Strive for basic accuracy in the bible story to which you’re comparing this puke-face’s idiotic money-making scheme if you’re trying to sell it to evangelicals, please. I don’t know much about evangelicals, but I believe they are required to actually read the damn bible.

  41. Why does God seem to constantly require Glorification? Ego problem or what?

    Plus, Baldwin should get off his lazy arse and work like the rest of us.

  42. Man, talk about hypocrites! I mean, when I think about all the times I was denied sweet roles like “Shepherd #3″ and “Peer Pressurer #1,” it just makes my blood boil.

  43. Christians, Catholics, Protestants, Atheists, Jews, Muslim, Buddhist, etc. … why do we focus all our energy into looking at what makes us different when we all have one thing in common; the realization that Stephen Baldwin should change or GTFO.

  44. I used to think Christians we’re gullible because they believed in a man rising from the dead 2000 years ago as retold in a book written hundreds of years after Jesus died. Now I know they’re in extreme self-denial if they’re able to convince themselves that the reason Stephen Baldwin doesn’t have movie roles is because he’s turning them down.

  45. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Apr 22nd, 2010 +4

    Stephen Baldwin could restore himself if only he would just Cut Away.

  46. Firstly…

    WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!

    Secondly…

    Can we have a Restore Me movement? I want money too!

  47. Stephen Baldwin and Scott Baio should join forces and create the “The Internet was mean to me so I deserve money club.” If people on the Internet being mean entitles you to cash, the Internet owes us all so much money…

    • Also, I love the way we gauge public opinion these days. The only evidence we require to quote public opinion is to say in an ominous voice: “jackassfan6969 said on ninjablog.com STEPHEN BALDWIN IS A FAGGOT” and therefore, the entire nation has anti-Christian sentiment.

    • By that thinking I think I owe Catholics 7.3 Billion Dollars.

  48. Hey Stephen.

    Praise God. I will happily donate. I have followed your great work with youth and all the horrible things the media keeps bringing up to defile you. We have a mutual friend Tina B., If you need help I am a bibilcal advisor that has 20 years as a coach. I am happy to offer my service to your at no charge. Check out the amazing vision that God has given me at The Shulamite Speaks. http://www.theshulamitespeaks.com God will serve you. He is there sweet brother in Christ. Please consider coming along side me to help lift and deliever this Vision and I believe that God will so honor us both.

    Blessings
    Paula Mary
    The Shulamite Bride
    http://www.theshulamitespeaks.com

  49. To me all this is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors, no more no less.

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