You know those headphones that your boyfriend stole for you from Circuit City in the confusion of their liquidation sale? Put them on, because he has a mouth:

Squeezy feels like he was hit in the back of the head with a pipe made out of LOVE when he is with you. You guys definitely date for real and it IS serious and you DO sleep with him. Your favorite thing is Sunday mornings when you get the newspaper and go out to brunch. You love to read the Styles section, and he loves to roll blunts with the Automobiles section. He’s pretty worked up about this whole taxes thing, but you keep reminding him, if he would just say yes to your marriage proposal, you guys could file your taxes jointly and he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore, to which he says, “you said joint.” (Thanks for the tip, Patrick.)

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Comments (81)
  1. A leaked scene from the upcoming Wesley Snipes biopic. Interesting casting!

  2. Too bad Stringer Bell isn’t with us. He’d be the one to call.

  3. Fuckin’ taxes, how do they work!?

  4. Fuckin Numbers and Taxes, How do they Work…

    Seriously, this assclown has the internet, likely isn’t an independent contractor (1040-EZ), and is probably OWED money. Not the other way around. Doubt this idiot has to pay a damn cent. Jokes on him.

  5. “Oh squeezy, you such a fuckin’ rebel” – me

    But seriously, too much time spent on the internet researching the repercussions of not paying taxes, and not enough on that 1040EZ.

    I’m pretty sure you will GET money back if you income was just $6K or whatever!

  6. If you want to see him get really mad, give him some magnets. How do THEY work?!

  7. He should have called my tax guys:

  8. “Federal Preserves”, new from Smuckers.

  9. This guy has a questionable understanding of macroeconomics. BOOM! Did I do that right?

  10. I love my boyfriend because he tells God’s truth about why fiscal conservatives are against taxes: if they do it wrong, the federal preserve is going to beat them with a fucking cane.

    • Your kids are pretty cute, too.

      And those are some pretty fancy signs. Kinkos? You could save a little money by getting some poster board from a craft store and using magic markers on it. (I know your boyfriend made at least THREE TIMES $2,000 last year, but a money-saving tip is always helpful.)

      • What if going to the craft store makes the kids gay? Can’t risk that now!

      • “Honk if I [make you want to run me over with the car you're currently driving because I'm exploiting my children in order to make a political statement before they have the mental faculty and information to make decisions regarding politics on their own]!”

  11. Fake, his teeth are too nice. Look at those pearly whites!

  12. French Revolution : Squeezy Revolution :: Liberty, Equality, Fraternity : Kids, Nikes, Playstation

  13. He’s pretty sure he made at least three times $2000 last year? Too bad the government doesn’t accept OPTIMISM as currency these days.

  14. This is like that time Gabe took to the phonograph to rail against the stamp tax.

  15. I feel like I’ve heard this before:
    Mr. STARK: I guess it’s laziness and like, what’s the point? When it comes down to it, nobody wants to fill out like another form that’s just like getting sent to your house that really relatively has nothing to do with your life.

    SMITH: He thinks the young people just haven’t been given a good enough reason to fill out the census.

    Mr. STARK: I mean people would do if they got like five bucks.

    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=125811666

  16. Good news Squeeze!! Head of household need to make 12 LARGE to necessitate filing that shit. YOU GOOD DAWG!

  17. I would have thought the royalties on Ice Ice Baby would net more than $6K a year.

  18. The IRS sold out to the Federal Preserves? For realz? Did they get paid in apricot or peach?

    Also, I’ve been trying to tell my boyfriend that if he only makes $6000 a year, and he has a kid, he has no business spending his money on Playstation games. He ain’t tryin’ to hear me, though. What can I say, I love him.

  19. i’m pretty sure he was showing the beginning signs of the dreaded disease known as “methface”. and his general communication skills were also exhibiting “methmouth” backed up by the obviously deteriorating “methbrain”.

  20. Over $6,000 in ONE TAX YEAR? Keep this one, honey. You are gonna be farting through silk.

  21. I don’t know how many times I’ve stressed out over important documents, tried to calm down and get some food in my belly, only to spill delicious sauces all over said documents. Akk!

  22. This boyfriend of mine is going to be a wonderful provider when we get married.

  23. In my experience, people do not usually argue to the IRS, “No, for reals, I made so much more than that last year.”

  24. He’s fucking fed up all right! With Chinese Food! Get it, cause of the soy sauce, he’s been eating Chinese Food, amirite?

  25. Gotta be fake.

    Still, “What are they gonna do, throw me in jail?” is pretty funny. Because, yes.

  26. I always knew I was a fucking bad-ass for being able to do my own taxes. 1040, Schedule C, and Schedule M! What you got to say know huh!

  27. Yo! You got your 1040EZ in my soy sauce!

  28. Ha ha, this guy’s the worst and all, but hot damn what an analogy! It IS like the government said “yo, give us your fuckin’ car, but teach us to drive fuckin’ stick shift first”! Cuz you know my 97 Celica rolls 5-speed!

  29. You got your soy sauce in my 1040EZ, yo!

  30. Right now his children are squatting in the dust outside their tent, staring innocently yet bleakly back at us, causing pangs of great shame and guilt. Yes, those guys DO know what we’re talking about. More than we’ll ever understand.

  31. This guy sounds like Die Antword doing an “american accent”. No way is this real. Or I guess he could be an immigrant. Still seems fakey!

  32. if i gave up on things because i spilled soy sauce on them, i wouldn’t be wearing this sweet mondale ’84 tee right now.

  33. 6k in income and children?
    He was definitely going to get a refund.

  34. Not to hit you in the back of the head with a lead knowledge bomb or anything, Squeezy, but the government has both put people in jail for tax evasion AND beaten the living shit out of people with a cane.

  35. He isn’t going to go to jail for evading taxes. Because this is America.

  36. Great llamas of the Bahamas! This crusty barnacle can’t fill a simple 1040EZ. I’ma write a letter from the Central Bureaucracy!

  37. I once saw an eHarmony profile that asked the gentleman in question to list the three things he was most thankful for. He chose:

    1. My family
    2. America
    3. Mountain Dew Code Red

    I know now that it couldn’t have been this guy, because his list would have consisted of the following:

    1. My fuckin kids
    2. My fuckin Nikes
    3. My fuckin Playstation 3 games

  38. i actually think this guy makes some pretty good points. The government really wont show up with a lead pipe like Jose’s cousin.

  39. This has got to be fake. Domino’s delivery guys makes way more than 6k.

  40. Apparently I’m using my boyfriend to forget my old boyfriend, Jim Breuer. (Our are we using our boyfriend…does this conceit address videogum readers in general or me specifically?)

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