As you have probably heard by now, Steven Seagal is being sued for one million dollars (that is hilarious) by a former personal assistant who claims that he employed sex slaves. Yikes. When you put it that way, it sounds pretty bad! Admittedly, when you start looking at the details of the case, things get kind of weird. From MSNBC:

The plaintiff, Kayden Nguyen, said she met the action star in February through an ad on Craigslist seeking an executive assistant and, after three interviews, was told to pack for a trip to New Orleans, where the A&E show “Steven Seagal Lawman” was taping.

Steven Seagal hires executive assistants through Craigslist and fields interviews with interested candidates personally? Sounds like Steven Seagal needs an executive assistant just to help him hire an executive assistant!

On that first night, Nguyen was ushered to a secluded house where Seagal was staying with his wife and the two young women. He then proceeded to treat Nguyen as his “sex toy” despite her complaints, the lawsuit says.

He then proceeded to treat Nguyen as his sex toy despite her complaints? How do you proceed to treat someone like a sex toy despite their complaints? That is a complicated sex toy. Am I embarrassing MYSELF with these questions?

There is no time for embarrassment! Because this lawsuit just keeps getting crazier and crazier:

She complained the following morning to some of the other employees, assuming that they would deliver the message to Seagal. Hours later, the lawsuit says he assaulted her again, this time forcing her to consume “illegal pills.”

Oh brother. Illegal pills. ILLEGAL PILLS!

Nguyen’s lawsuit claims that even after she got away, Seagal and his employees tried desperately to persuade her to return. When she escaped, she left behind “everything of value she owned,” including car keys, her laptop, clothes, and “hundreds of dollars worth of makeup.” She was told she would not get the items back until she signed an agreement stating she would not report the sexual attacks.

HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF MAKEUP! CAR KEYS! It is important, when confronted with a gun-toting sociopath in the habit of employing sex slaves and forcing them to take “illegal pills” that you remember WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE.

And then this:

Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is.

UHHHHHHHHHH.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

A UNIQUE, UNNAMED PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTION TO SEXUAL AROUSAL? OH JESUS WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT? Does he shed his entire skin? I bet he sheds his entire skin. You know what, I don’t want to know. Let’s just put them all in jail, Your Honor. Sometimes secrets are secrets for a reason. This guy knows what I’m talking about:

Of course, Steven Seagal’s crack legal team (the best minds that a man who gets sued for one million dollars can afford) have already responded. From TMZ:

Seagal’s lawyer, Marty Singer, responded to the lawsuit this way: “The lawsuit filed by Kayden Nguyen against Steven Seagal is a ridiculous and absurd claim by a disgruntled ex-employee who was fired for using illegal narcotics.” Singer says the suit is a “complete fabrication without a scintilla of truth” and he’s confident it will be dismissed.

Look, I’m not on anyone’s side here. If Ms. Nguyen’s accusations are true, that is horrible and terrifying and it suggests there is some truth to the generally held assumption that celebrities (sure, celebrities) live in a criminally indulgent world without consequences. And if she is making it up to get her hands on Mr. Seagal’s ONE MILLION DOLLARS, than that is also horrible, and suggests there is some truth to the generally held assumption that our legal system is careening violently out of control. In either case, we all lose. But before we can figure out WHY we lose someone needs to REST THEIR CASE. Isn’t that right, Videogum Chief Legal Counsel, Corbin Bernsen:


It’s just standard legal procedure.

SUSTAINED.

Comments (87)
  1. Off topic: for those of you who want to chat during Lost tonight: http://videogum.com/chat/
    On topic: Yuck gross ewww.

  2. Employed Slaves. That is how slavery works, you employ them.

  3. UNNAMED PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTION TO SEXUAL AROUSAL = Oh c’mon, we all know it’s his ponytail.

  4. She says her name is Kayden Nguyen, but I think we all know who she really is:

  5. Hmmm…a “unique physiological reaction”. Did the name “Tub Girl” spring to anyone else’s mind?

  6. This guy knows EXACTLY what you are talking about

    http://www.wpxi.com/news/23136201/detail.html


  7. does this look like someone who would perform indecent sexual acts?

  8. seagal is catholic?

  9. they should just tell us what the reaction is because nothing could be worse than the possibilities running through my mind right now.

  10. tantric rape-rape

  11. hey who cropped this photo?

    this missing lower half shows a very short woman in shackles “finishing him off” <<< steven's very words.

  12. I kind of do but kind of don’t want to guess what Steven Seagal’s unique physiological reaction to sexual arousal is (by this I mean that I want to guess but I don’t actually want to know). I’ve got it narrowed down to three:

    1. His hair turns from black into bright white
    2. He sprouts birthmarks all over his body
    3. He shakes and lurches all over the floor.

  13. Steven Seagal’s unique physiological reaction: he sprouts tits with James Cameron’s face on each titty

  14. Steven Seagal in Real Life = Villian in Steven Seagal movie

  15. my favorite part is that she complained the day after the attack, but to whom? Stephen Seagal doesn’t really have a personal boss.

  16. It looks like a pretty complicated and confusing case. A lot of this stuff I don’t really get, but it seems that Nguyen felt that she was under seige.

  17. I’m pretty sure this is his UNNAMED PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTION TO SEXUAL AROUSAL:

  18. segal’s “unique physiological reaction”

  19. Let me be clear: If Miss Kayden Nguyen fails to tell us — Steven Seagal’s fans — eventually what the “unique physiological reaction to sexual arousal” is, I will sue HER for One. Million. Dollars. For withholding evidence… from me.

  20. I have it on good authority that, upon arousal, Steven Seagal frantically karate chops the air as his penis spins like a helicopter.

  21. i’d hate for this to turn out to be false, giving ‘legitimacy’ to all those who think it was fair to blame the women in the letterman / polanski cases. file under #debbiedownergum

  22. This whole story screams “Straight to Video”.

  23. this whole story is a bummer, basically the exact opposite of a nguyen-nguyen situation.

  24. Un-Specified Physical Reaction?
    Boner.*

    *I think this chick has never had sex, nor seen a wang in action.

  25. Professor Scintilla, over here.

  26. My favorite part:

    “The lawsuit says Nguyen told Seagal that she had to leave to meet with family members who would be suspicious if she didn’t show up. Nonetheless, he told her not to leave the house and followed her with a gun equipped with a flashlight as she went out to a waiting cab, which sped away as she jumped in the front seat. ”

    Now there are so many wonderous things in this statement, I don’t know where to start but I guess I’ll focus on the cabbie for now.

    So imagine you’re this cabbie. You’re driving through a secluded area of New Orleans to pick up a fare nd you are pretty stoked. The people in this area have money and its so secluded that anywhere they would possibly want to go is going to pocket you some serious cash. You check the provided address one last time then while at a stop light (b/c safety above all else, that’s what you say) you unfold your map and see that you are indeed very close. You round the last corner before your destination and notice a light. There aren’t many street lamps in this secluded neighborhood so its appearance makes you a bit curious.

    “It is certainly not bright enough to be a car’s headlights.” You think to yourself. “Maybe its the fare. Yeah, its the fare holding a flashlight because they are scared to be outside alone in the dark. I’d probably do the same.” You slow down as you confirm the light is indeed coming from the driveway of the address you were given and realize there is a very attractive yet nervous looking young asian woman waiting for you. Interestingly, the woman is not the one holding the flashlight, it is someone else. As your eyes adjust to the light you realize there is a man with the young woman. “Probably just the girl’s father seeing her off safely.”

    You stop. The light goes out and the girl frantically tried to open the rear passenger door. You realize you forgot to unlock them. You do so, the girl get in and says softly “Drive. Please sir, drive as fast as you can.” This is highly unusual so you turn to the young woman and ask “Where to? I need to know where I’m going in order to get you there quickly.” That’s when you notice him, Steven fucking Segal. Not just Steven fucking Segal but Steven fucking Segal with quite an impressive protrusion in the front of his pants and a rather frightening M-16 rifle in his arms. You jam your foot down onto the gas causing an awful roar as your cab makes a great lurch. “What are you doing?!” the girl screams as you fumble to shift out of park. Steven fucking Segal flips the light back on as you peek in the rearview with terror.

    “Don’t worry miss, I’ll get us out of here. Is that Steven fucking Segal?!” There is no answer because the girl is sobbing quietly. You drive aimlessly for 30 minutes before you notice the dampness in your pajama jeans. Moments later, the girl asks you to take her to the nearest payphone then you politely ask her what a pay phone is and offer her you cell phone instead. While the girl is talking on the phone you think about what you should do. Should you go to the police and tell them you found a crying girl at Steven fucking Segal’s house and oh, by the way, he had a huge boner and a fully automatic weapon with a flashlight taped to it? No, you can’t possibly. Your name, Steve Winwood, is not well regarded by the police in New Orleans, its best you just keep this all to yourself and hope Steven fucking Segal doesn’t remember your disgusing face.

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • I enjoyed it, although the inevitable YCMIU penned by Gabe on this one better involve Segal shedding his entire skin. That’s the best part.

      • I kind of figured this week’s YCMIU would feature James Cameron undergoing gender reassignment surgery so he could win Best Picture.

        • James Cameron undergoes gender reassignment surgery so he can become Steven Seagal’s sex slave.

          • Hannibal Lecter: I wouldnt be surprised if he applied for gender reassignment surgery … and been rejected…

            Jodie Foster: Why would they reject him?

            Hannibal Lecter: Clever girl! You’re so close to how you’re going to catch him, do you realize that, Clarice?

            (This is an instance in movies where “clever girl” is used that is not the Jurassic Park reference that your precious Gabe usually makes all the time, F to the YI)

    • Best Story Ever, West.

    • I am sorry, West but I have to downvote this. Here is why:

      From the excerpt you quoted:

      “she went out to a waiting cab, which sped away as she jumped in the front seat.”

      Okay but in your fiction you write: The light goes out and the girl frantically tried to open the rear passenger door. You realize you forgot to unlock them. You do so, the girl get in and says softly “Drive. Please sir, drive as fast as you can.”

      So in your version she got in to the back.

      If you’re going to make shit up you need to stay consistent or else I’m going to take you down to Downvote City, where the grass is green and the fan fiction is shitty, oh won’t you please take me hoooome yeah yeah

  27. To be fair, Nguyen seems like a really level-headed individual:

    http://i.i.com.com/cnwk.1d/i/tim//2010/04/13/seagal_(5).jpg

  28. As far as sex cases go, phewf… I mean, at least he has kept his malicious, child-killing rampages to a dull roar.

    So, thank you for choosing a more conducive celebrity channeling of your energies.

    • “ok honey, now you fall down” says off-camera mommy to pig-tails girl.

      meanwhile off-camera daddy of the corndog kid yells, “drop the fucking corndog, ethan!”

      the other kids’ parents were not present and thusly were unpaid and not fed lunch.

  29. His ‘crack legal team’ he hired off Craigslist.

  30. My testimony in this case:
    Yes, as well as being a small rabbit, I am also a doctor of sex arousals. I can now tell you that Mr. Seagal’s UPR is simply to throw his head back and trumpet like a lost baby elephant for a few minutes.
    It is nothing in the least to be alarmed about. Unless you are ON ILLEGAL DRUGS! I’m looking at you Mizz Nguyen.

  31. Wait Steven Seagal has a show on A&E?

  32. I just want to say, this post and the ensuing thread have been killing me. Great job all around! #kissassgum

  33. I know how we’ll get to the bottom of it, guys:

  34. Marriage Ref.

  35. Can’t seem to master the art of posting photos of the Marriage Ref, apparently.

  36. Sounds like Kayden Nguyen is Out for Justice. Seagal will probably be Hard to Kill, but I think an Executive Decision should leave him On Deadly Ground. The Patriot’s Ticker will soon be Half Past Dead. The one thing I hope, though, is that he doesn’t Under Siege 2: Dark Territory.

  37. You guys! You don’t even understand how timely this article is. Why, just last night I watched Steven Seagal vs. the Zombie/Vampires in the 2009 blockbuster “Against the Dark.”

    (You also won’t even believe how truly awful this movie is. There’s… there’s just… there are no words.)

    What’s weird is that one minute, you’re learning about an old, fat, awkward, soft-spoken, once-great martial artist sadistically abusing and degrading women of different nationalities in darkly-lit environments, and the VERY NEXT DAY he is being sued for a sex scandal. What a twist!

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