Oh, OK. Now I see. The reason we were supposed to be surprised last week when it was revealed that Desmond was “the package” is because of how Ben shot him. I actually did forget about that. But to be fair (to me?), the only reason it was assumed that Desmond’s reappearance would be a shocking surprise is because we were supposed to assume that he had been killed when Ben shot him. Uh, haha, no. It turns out that my secret package (yuck) is HAVING WATCHED TV BEFORE. Did anyone actually think Desmond was dead? No one did, right? Well, maybe people who have never watched a TV show, or seen a movie, or read a comic book, or read any kind of book whatsoever actually, or just had any kind of adult interaction with a structured narrative would have been like “Desmond, wha?! But he what that diiiiiied!” But even for those people, you have to assume that if this is their first experience of fictional narrative, they have BIGGER PROBLEMS ON THEIR PLATE than Desmond. (If anyone reading this is one of these people who has never watched or seen or read anything before Lost, I want to assure you that not everything is smoke monsters and nonsense side universes.)
So, Desmond. He is awake. Widmore is like, I’m so sorry that I had to do this to you, but I assure you that your wife and son are safe, but, um, OK, so, like, the thing is, uh, we’re back on the island? Desmond is like IV STAND TO THE DOME!
Widmore’s henchmen pull Desmond off (that is what Widmore said) and restrain him. I like how last week Jin tried to simply walk out of a room and got straight TAZED but this week you can smash a senior citizen in the face with a metal rod and they have to treat you with respect. Widmore is like, “The island isn’t done with you yet.” Haha. Oh man. If I was Desmond, I would be so pissed. Because I am pretty sure the island was done with him. Like, he and the island seemed to be totally fine going about their separate business. He wasn’t pulling a Jack and melting his face off with whiskey tears, crisscrossing the Earth in Business Class. Widmore drugged him and locked him in a submarine and brought him to the island. ANYWAY. It is time for the test!
Wait, what test?
Jin is like, “Wait, what test?” Widmore is like, “It will be easier to show you than to tell you.” Uh, SPOILER ALERT: no it won’t. You should tell him! Just tell him! We will just stand back and listen to you tell him! Because at the end of this episode, having been shown, I am still so confused!
Zoe (ugh, Zoe) is like “that test isn’t scheduled until tomorrow.” HAHAHAH. These guys cannot keep to a timetable! First Zoe fucked up the timetable for “War with Locke” and now they’re abandoning the test schedule? (Which Widmore of course pronounces shedjoole.) I would hate to see how these guys mess up BRUNCH.
Anyway, it’s too early for the test! The test wasn’t shedjooled until tomorrow! This fat nerd is losing his mind:
One anonymous henchman walks into the generator room to fix…a generator, and some other henchman is like “Oh, I think we have full power, I should definitely just throw this switch.” The generator room starts….generating, and the henchman inside is getting tossed around. Zoe is like “Turn those switches off!” and the other henchman is like “These switches?” And Zoe is like “Turn them off!” And he’s like “These switches? I want to make sure I don’t turn off the wrong switches.” Forever this guy. Very thorough. So he turns them off and they cart the dead henchman’s body out of the generator room right as they are bringing Desmond in. Good work, everyone. Next time you guys are going to take a submarine to a time traveling paranormal island that isn’t on any maps, BRING SOME WALKIE TALKIES SO YOU CAN AVOID THESE KINDS OF MISTAKES.
They put Desmond into a chair in the generator room and lock the door. Well, first they kick him in the chest and elbow him in the spine. THEN they put him in the chair. One of the henchmen asks if he has any metal in his pockets, or any metal implants. “Of course he doesn’t, you idiot,” Widmore says. Haha, what an idiot that guy was for asking that question. Jin, apparently, is just like “I have GOT to see this,” because he doesn’t do shit.
Desmond gets out of the chair. The fat nerd is like “Initiate test,” or something. The generators are like, “Stargate!”
The computers are like, “We look ridiculous!”
And then clouds. FALCOOOOOOOR! And then Desmond is standing in the Bizarro Los Angeles Airport, staring for way too long at the baggage claim screen. Desmond, just read the sign already! Hurley tells him that their luggage is on Carousel 4. I WONDER IF THAT MEANS ANYTHING! Seriously, this show is starting to drive me crazy. Every detail is supposed to be meaningful, but then every thing that is meaningful is casually explained away. I know this guy is somebody, right?
I’m 67 years old, and Lostipedia sounds like what my doctor says when we are discussing my prostate. Will some nerd tell me who that is? Whatever, the important thing is that in Bizarro LA, Desmond works for Widmore, and they are lovers.
But Desmond and Widmore hate each other! How can they like each other! Everything is upside downsies! Unfortunately, their celebration over the closing of the Australian deal will have to wait. Fine with me. I don’t even know what the Australian deal is. You see, Widmore’s wife is putting together one of her charity events (you know how she is), and Widmore’s son (HIS WHAAAAT?!) is a musician, and he had the idea to combine classical music with modern rock. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL A SURPRISING TWIST! Has Desmond ever heard of a band called Drive Shaft? HAS HE EVER!
Desmond goes to pick up Charlie from jail, but Charlie just ignores him and walks straight to a bar across the street. You all every JERK. Desmond follows him and they both sit down for a glass of whiskey. It turns out that in the Bizarro Alternate Universe, you don’t get very much whiskey in your glass!
There is almost no whiskey in that glass of whiskey! Charlie explains to Desmond that he thinks he has it all (money, a suit) but he doesn’t have it all, because he doesn’t have love. OH JESUS CHRIST. Desmond is like “What’s love?” I mean, basically. Charlie explains that when he was dying from swallowing all that heroin (obvs), he saw Claire (watching him die?) and knew that they were together, even though she was a stranger. OK, that is odd. But that is also not love? Charlie is confused about what love is. It is not sweaty near-death heroin-balloon-caught-in-the-throat panic visions. Anyway, Desmond is like, “Love does sound pretty nice. But I have to take you to a luxury hotel.” They get in the car, and this is what I was talking about earlier, about how this show is constantly trying to sneak in Easter eggs for the super fans to the point of it driving me crazy. They lingered so long on this shot of a dude on the pier, that I thought he was important.
Anyway, Charlie pulls a Michael Douglas in The Game and yanks the steering wheel of the car so that it goes into the ocean (he is very strong for a half-drunk heroin addict who just almost died) because he wants to “show” Desmond. While they are underwater, Desmond has a flash and sees Charlie’s hand from Season 3 about Penny’s boat, but he doesn’t know who Penny is.
Then they are in the hospital, and Desmond is getting an MRI, which is just like the generator room! Except with less kicks to the chest and elbows to the spine. And also with less dead bodies being dragged out on his way in. When he’s in the MRI machine he sees Penny, and he rushes out in his smock to find Charlie.
First he runs into Jack, but as usual, Jack doesn’t know anything.
Go home, Jack, you’re drunk.
Charlie comes running out in his smock, Disorderlies-style.
Desmond confronts him about the visions he’s having. Charlie is like “you felt it too!” And thus begins the disgusting trend on this week’s episode of people talking about “feeling it.” If the feeling is hot barf spilling all over your stomach from your frowning face, then I am feeling it, too, guys! Hey guys! Charlie refuses to go with Desmond to the rock concert because none of this matters. “All that matters is that we felt it.” STOP PLEASE! Desmond asks where Charlie is going, and Charlie says if he was Desmond, he’d stop worrying about Charlie and start looking for Penny. OK, so, to do heroin? Charlie is going to do a bunch of heroin.
At Widmore’s castle, which I think he has left over from his marriage to Julie Cooper, we finally meet “Mrs. Widmore.”
She seems surprised to see Desmond, but plays it off and acts surprised that they haven’t met before. And then she says “it’s about time,” because the writers of this show are very talented. She isn’t upset that Drive Shaft isn’t coming to her charity event. That’s amazing! Two seconds ago we were led to believe that she is angry about everything! On his way out, though, Desmond overhears two party planners going over the guest list and hears the name Penny, and when he starts to ask questions, THAT is when Mrs. Widmore gets angry. She claims that the guest list is confidential. And then she kicks everyone out. She tells Desmond to stop asking questions. And says that it is “a violation.” And reminds him that he has the perfect life, because he…has her husband’s approval?! And then she says he isn’t ready. WHUUUUUT?! Also, this is hilarious:
And also this is hilarious:
Relax, Lost. We know. Shhhh. We know. IT’S DANIEL FARADAY!
Or whatever he’s called now. Mr. Cool Hat. He was the son the whole time! You guys probably got confused because you thought Faraday was a scientist, and you were like “there is no way that he is a musician.” NO RULES. So Faraday, who, you will remember, is Desmond’s constant, and vice versa, tells him that he has also felt it (the barf), and shows him his quantum physics dream journal, and explains that he set off a nuclear bomb one time. Oh, and Penny is his half-sister. NOW WE ARE COOKING. WITH BOMBS.
Desmond goes to have his first meeting with Penny, where she is jogging at the empty stadium, just like how Desmond used to be jogging at the empty stadium! With his old buddy, Jack! Jack used to go there just to clear his mind. Get it? YOU CAN STOP RUNNING NOW, JACK, IT’S CLEAR. Penny and Desmond meet, and they are both just really feeling it, I’m sure, and then–
Desmond opens his eyes, and he is back on the floor of the generator room. Everyone comes in and is really surprised that he is still alive, which is kind of hilarious. Wasn’t the point of the test to prove that Desmond would be alive? It should not be that surprising. If you are that surprised that Desmond survived the test, maybe you should have not gone through with the test. “How long was I out?” Desmond asks. “A matter of seconds,” Widmore says. “Hey, wait a second!” the makers of the Jodie Foster movie Contact say. Anyway, Desmond is ready to help the island. Awesome. Thank you, Desmond!
Then Sayid comes out of nowhere and karate chops a dude and points a gun at Zoe and tells her to run. Oh, Sayid, don’t you know anything about dramatic tension? It’s just like what Chekov said: if there is a gun pointed at Zoe in the first act, the gun must go off in Zoe’s face by the third. Oh well. Sayid is like, “Desmond, you have to come with me,” and Desmond is like, “of course I do.”
Back in Bizarro LA, Desmond wakes up in the empty stadium, where he suddenly passed out. And so he immediately makes a coffee date with Penny. Sure. It’s a classic lesson from Master Pick Up Artist, Mystery: “Wear a pair of binoculars around your face, ask her if she saw the fight outside, and then pass out.” Desmond gets into the limo and asks the driver if he can get him the manifest of Oceanic Flight 815, because he has something he wants to show his fellow passengers. Ooooh! That is exciting. They are all going to FEEL IT. Although, the driver should probably not be so quick to say that he is going to get Desmond the manifest? Those are really hard to get, I think. You can’t just log onto airplanemanifestfinder.org and download a PDF. Whatever. I’m sure he knows a Manifest Guy who can help them out.