Hollywood is developing a movie based on the E-Trade talking baby. Oh, Hollywood. Your determination to always out-retard yourself is almost admirable. There’s a sign in Hollywood’s cubicle that says “Dumber Is Never Unpossible.” And another one that says “Coffee Is For Idiots.” From Pajiba (via FilmDrunk):

20th Century Fox is developing a film based on the E*Trade talking babies. No. I am not making this up. Actress and writer Katie Dippold (“Parks and Recreation,” “MADtv”) is penning the script. And no. I’m not kidding. The film is a “mission movie,” about a group of talking babies trying to make their way across the playground.

Sure. A “mission movie.” About a CGI talking baby on-line stock trading company spokesman. At a playground. Obviously, it sounds great ON PAPER, and it will all come down to the execution. Of course, an animated baby with overdubbed dialogue might work for ads during the Puppy Bowl, but this is a major motion picture! We’re going to need some star power! So, who should play the E-Trade talking baby in the E-Trade talking baby Movie, which Hollywood is actually making*.

The Dancing Baby from Ally McBeal

He hasn’t aged very well, and is a little rough around the edges (not to mention being a total DIVA on-set), but he is available, and I’m sure his rate is pretty low these days. You could probably get the dancing baby from Ally McBeal in your movie for $17 and as many day-old bagels off the craft services cart as his little CGI arms could carry.

Brad Pitt
I hate typecasting, but Hollywood loves typecasting. It’s just a fact that once you’ve proven you can do one thing, the industry tries to make you repeat that success again and again. Not that I would necessarily called The Not Actually That Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttons a “success,” but you get it.

Fresh off the critical praise and multiple industry awards for her performance in Precious, Mo’nique might want to play it safe, but I would suggest that there is no better time for her to stretch herself as an actor and prove just how versatile she is by portraying the E-Trade talking baby.

A Tamagotchi Keychain
At the end of the day, when you need a baby, you get a baby. Occam’s Razorblade.

Other suggestions: Jeremy Irons.

*Hollywood making an E-Trade talking baby movie is like when Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. It just seems important with a tragedy like this to keep repeating it in the simplest way possible.
Comments (79)
  1. This guy, because he’s not gonna let those suits harsh his buzz.

  2. Notsewfast’s avatar, of course!

  3. It’s been done. Baby Geniuses. And it was horrible, as per its inclusion in the Hunt. Grow up, Hollywood.

  4. Lindsay Lohan will surely, SURELY accept a cameo role as “that milkaholic”. She’s already got a stash of baby powder* stored securely in her shoes!

    *cough cough jab jab

    • mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Mar 30th, 2010 +8

      Speaking of E-Trade talking babies, did you guys hear about Lindsay (just Lindsay) hosting a BBC documentary about child trafficking in India? That is also a thing that is actually happening. I could probably better tie that news together with this news in a distasteful way (E-Trade, child trafficking, you get it), but I’d rather just leave you with this quote, which is also an actual, real quote:
      At the end of the film, a rather unwell-looking Lohan is not entirely sure what people should do to help, and suggests: “Twitter? There’s Twitter . . .”

      • This is surely and in all seriousness not going to be as good as Alex James’ documentary on the cocaine industry in South America. Which was really good, and totally made me rethink my opinion of drugs! OH LINDSAY.

    • I hope SHE sues THE FUCK out of them and HALTS this stupid ASS MOVIE.

      sorry, AnAmPat had rubbed off on me. NOT LIKE THAT.

  5. Lindsey Lohan plays the milkaholic, duh.

  6. Bieber. We want Bieber.

  7. What’s the over/under on a photo of Justin Bieber popping up in this thread?

  8. Have we NOT learned anything from the Baby Bob TV series?!?!?!

  9. I just sent my pitch for a film based on the Kia hamsters to Hollywood. It’s a mission movie about hamsters who drive cars instead of running on wheels. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.

  10. I’m seeing this as more of a buddy comedy.

  11. Marmaduke, DUH!


    “The bottle was beige, but the milk made it milk-color.”

    “Madison sucks off her pacifier.”


  13. Too bad this has been done before. Seriously.

  14. I can’t see the Ally McBeal dancing baby without “Oooga chakka” playing my head.

  15. Time for me to dust off my screenplay about talking candy, Snickers, Starburst, 3 Musketeers, a pack of Skittles, and maybe some Pop Rocks.

    They all go to Las Vegas and Snickers wins a Jackpot, but borrowed the quarter he won the jackpot with from some Starburst.. and they fight and get into adventures. Its really funny.

    - Larry David

    • i love pop rocks!

      which sadly was actually my first reaction to your comment. mmm…i love how they get all bubbly in your mouth. and taste like the chemical equivalent of strawberry. now i totally want some poprocks.

  16. FACT: Lindsey Lohan thinks an E*Trade is the exchange of handjobs for ecstasy in the bathroom of Chateau Marmont.

  17. Funny you mentioned Jeremy Irons. I just saw the David Cronenberg movie “Dead Ringers” where Jeremy Irons plays twin brothers who are award winning gynecologists (I am serious). Anyway SPOILER they are crazy and toward the end, in their trashed condo, one Jeremy Irons is crying and bawling like a baby so the other Jeremy Irons goes over to the book shelf where there is a big piece of cake just sitting there on the shelf – not in a box or anything mind you, just raw on the shelf. He picks it up, breaks it in half with his bare hands and gives half to his twin. He’s stuffing his mouth with it and with a mouth full of cake demands some ice cream. The other Jeremy Irons says there isnt any ice cream, to which he responds by crying like a baby and says “I wanted cake and ice cream!” Seriously, this is toward the end of the movie. He is the ultimate baby and is a perfect match for this film. I am your new casting agent and you’re welcome.

  18. So this movie is combining the talking-baby subgenre with the impossible-task subgenre? I think WMOAT is about to come to a screeching halt.

  19. times are tough, budgets are being slashed everywhere. Let’s just get a few of these (they have breathing mechanisms!) and call it a day:

  20. Yea, I went there.

  21. “A surprisingly sober look at the dangers of allowing your infant to engage in daytrading.” -the back of the box

  22. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  23. i don’t understand why anyone would pay to see a movie about babies. they are perpetually sticky and kind of gross.

    but, i imagine, i am not the target demographic for this sort of thing.

    hollywood should make a movie about cute puppies being cute and as a promotional tie-in, give me a puppy. that would be the best movie ever.

    [i really love puppies. no duh.]

  24. At the end of the film, a rather unwell-looking Lohan is not entirely sure what people should do to help, and suggests: “Twitter? There’s Twitter . . .”
    Forex Trading System

  25. I knew this girl many years ago, and she was truly awful. Out of a group of college amateurs, she was the weakest link in her comedy group and only there because she was dating a much more talented member of the troupe. How she skyrocketed up through the ranks of the UCB and went on to television is anybody’s guess (MADtv, okay, but Parks and Rec?) Either she got exponentially better once she left college, or it has a lot to do with being a pretty blonde girl who spends her life surrounded by comedy nerds. I’m willing to bet on the latter.

    • Sounds like somebody’s hate kettle of boiling bitter bile is startin to whistle..and after ‘many years’ too…This has to do with talking babies how?

  26. And I nominate Philip S. Hoffman and Danny de Vito to voice / lip move E Trade babies.
    With Gilbert Gottfried and Joan Cusack as ‘terrible twins on teeter totter’.

  27. this guy can play Milkaholic’s bully boyfriend who starts trouble with E*Trade baby and his posse while they’re trying to cross the playgound

  28. wow it is a so sweat.Only One word to characterize such a great post “WOW” that was a very interesting read
    Best Man Speeches

  29. i want to recks avatars.
    Free Gift

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