Ding ding ding ding! It has been a long and intense race, but we finally have a winner for Most Depressing Thing! It is a cookbook called Microwave Cooking for One. Here is author Marie T. Smith demonstrating the recipe for “breakfast” (for one):

Yum. Hey, does anyone know the number for an ambulance? Anyway, the website is certainly worth ADDING TO YOUR BOOKMARKS, but if you’re too busy crying to go there, check out these fun testimonials:

The wonderful and beautiful book arrived this week and I am thrilled! There are many more recipes then I expected. I am very excited since my husband often works late and I end up with sandwiches rather then making myself something to eat.—Barbara Andersen, New York

I received your cookbook in the mail yesterday afternoon and have already read the whole book. I’m very pleased with my purchase and know I’ll use it everyday the rest of my life. I’m so glad I found your website. Thank you again..—Sara Oviatt, Idaho

It is a very good cookbook and I have yet to find a recipe that didn’t turn out as it was supposed to.—Norm Peterson, Arizona

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I’m an 81-year old and a 24/7 caretaker for my wife who has AD. I will certainly use the book to the best of my ability.—Darold L. Schorlig, California

I received your cookbook, and I have tried some recipes from it. They were great. My hubby keeps looking in the cookbook, and asks “when will you cook this recipe?”—Lori Hamby, Florida

My microwave was a gift for my 30th birthday, which makes it an oldie, but a goodie. The conversion chart is especially helpful. I use my microwave on a daily basis, but I know with your cookbook it will become even more valuable.—Marcia Scurfield, Kansas

Sounds great! Hey guys, nevermind about the ambulance. LOL, I am actually dead! When people find my body, there will be no note. Just a copy of this next to the bed:

Don’t worry, I am in a better place now. I have to be. There is nothing but better places compared to this place. R.I.P. Gabe! (Thanks for the tip, Clown Coffee.)

Comments (64)
  1. I’ve never seen someone read an autocue that badly.

  2. I thought microwave cooking for one was called Lean Cuisine.

  3. subtitled “The Only Acceptable Kind of Microwave Cooking”.

  4. Dinner for one, seasoned with tears

  5. Microwave Cooking for Two or More: How to Prove to Your Friends and Loved Ones that You Are Not A Functional Adult in Any Way, Shape, or Form.

  6. 10 years of research to write Microwave Cooking for One? This is so depressing, I may need to tweet Demi.

    • “Years of careful research in her own kitchen” = Years of listening to an echoing ticking clock and staring out the window at people laughing and holding hands

  7. Loosely (exactly) based on a true story. Mine.

  8. The companion volume: Making Bulk Cat Food With the Money You Earn From World of Warcraft Gold Farming is due out this summer.

  9. Dear Marie,
    I love your cookbook. The recipe’s were great, I loved the refrigerated biscuits. Because I ate all the biscuits, bacon, and cakes that your cookbook suggests I have been inspired to produce a 24 part video series, which is the best thing I’ve written in years. Thanks so much.

    -Kevin Smith

  10. This reminds me of a sad story. (I’m into telling stories today. It’s probably because the other option is actually working on my resume, because I’m unemployed. I’m a real winner.)

    After my grandfather died, my father handed out his collection of cookbooks to my siblings and me. To my younger, recently married brother, he gave fantastic Japanese books filled with authentic sushi recipes from my grandfather’s time living in Japan. To me, he gave a books about cooking for one. This may have been one of those books, but I don’t know anymore because I set them on fire. FML

    • He recognised that you ain’t need no one to tie you down. CML!

    • Cooking like a regular human is one of the only joys I have left, with the unemployment and the being dumped and the having to move back in with my parents.

      Stay strong, do not cook for one! Just use the freezer a lot.

  11. i own a microwave cookbook. a different one that has all kinds of suggestions for recipes that will destroy your microwave, like wrapping a whole fish in foil, and then putting it in the microwave for 7 minutes.

  12. Today I microwaved a pot roast, my husband was not home again. MLIMCFO

  13. Based on the Novel “Push Defrost” by Sapphire

  14. Who says single people can’t use regular ovens!? Why is everyone assuming single people just use microwaves? We’re not monsters you know!

  15. I think Steve Brule just found himself a wife

  16. I’m not crying,.I’ve just been cutting onions. I’m making a lasagna…..for one.

  17. One time I was late for school and tried to dry my socks in the microwave.

    It just melted the elastic. :(

  18. Pancakes for one are always depressing
    Because using a stove like a regular person with you was such fun

  19. As much as I would like to make fun of microwaving for one, it is a huge convenience and time saver for me. And blowing up Peeps for Easter.

    • it makes the kitchen smell like a campfire! also, try peep microwave sumo wrestling. draw a circle on a plate and put two peeps in it. see which one pushes the other out of the circle. from my forthcoming cookbook “i can’t afford cable for one”

      • other things to put in microwaves:

        slice a grape almost in half, leaving a little skin flap. lay it flat on a plate, cut side down and microwave for 30 seconds.

        my brother and i put so many things in the microwave as entertainment throughout our childhood. i’m pretty sure there is still a microwave labeled “NO FOOD” in my parent’s garage.

  20. Hey, Marie “Nukem” Smith, these people need help, not encouragement:

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-news-network,17129/

  21. God, all you guys are pathetic with your sad stories of microwaving for one. I never have this problem, I just get my mom to microwave shit (usually pizza rolls) for me. She even brings them down to the basement for me. Sometimes, when my friend Darren comes over to play X-Box 360 and talk about his girlfriend who lives in Russia, mom will even bring the pizza rolls down to us on our Super Bowl XXXII chip’n'dip with ranch dressing in the middle. You losers need to shut up and get a life. BLAMMO!

  22. “Are You There God? It’s Me, That Person You Abandoned and Was Forced To Write A Book About Microwave Cooking” by Judy Gloom

  23. I bought it simply for the conversion chart that helps me multiply numbers by two. Every conversion chart collector in history knows that the times 2 chart is for some reason the rarest of all the conversion charts.

    …I’ll probably celebrate by making a cold pile of undercooked biscuits and posting to my conversion chart collector’s forum all night.

  24. I keep holding my breath every time the host asks a question to get this broad to admit she’s a lonely cat-lady. But it never works.

  25. This book is a home wrecker! This book is so fun and easy to use, I never learned how to cook for two. It drove my wife away.

  26. I received your cookbook, and I have tried some recipes from it. They were great. My hubby keeps looking in the cookbook, and asks “when will you cook this recipe?” I then respectfully cook it for him and watch him enjoy it as I nibble on a pretzel stick. —Lori Hamby, Florida

    • I bought your cookbook last week and it has been great. At lunchtime today, I just paged through it for 40 minutes. It’s so interesting i forgot to even cook anything at all. I also like how all the recipes pair well with wine. – Jeane Powell, Murrieta, CA

  27. This has been an absolute joy to read. Just a real treat. Keep em coming. Happy Friday world. Now bring me Jeff Tweedy and a stage.

  28. Oh man, I’ve been mispronouncing “water” this whole time.

  29. They totally stole an idea my buddy and I came up with. It’s a cooking show called “Grilling at Midnight (For One)”. The entire show is my friend sitting silently in his backyard, slowly grilling a single burger before eating it while staring, unspeaking, into the camera.

  30. “Microwave Cooking For One” is Kirk Van Houten’s favorite book.

  31. Thank you for posting this video of my mother and the link to my website!

    At the time “Microwave Cooking for One” was published, Mom was volunteering for an organization that worked with displaced homemakers; women who for a variety of reasons, found themselves alone after years of caring for their families. She felt strongly that food is the center of life, and that these newly single women deserved to take care of themselves as they had for others for so many years, so she invited them to her home where she gave them a one-day course on cooking in the microwave, teaching 30 recipes.

    People from all walks of life and for a myriad of reasons live alone. “Microwave Cooking for One” was my mother’s gift to them to help make their lives better. Even though it was done in jest, I hope your post helps people who could use the book, find it.

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