Hollywood is a soft, gray place. A swamp. And lo be unto the person who tries to carry an idea into that swamp. Do you remember in The Neverending Story, when Artax dies in the Swamp of Sadness? It’s like that, only instead of beautiful, wonderful horses who would be your best friend for sure and that you would brush every day if they were yours dying, it is originality and thoughtfulness that dies there. My point is, they are remaking Overboard. From the Hollywood Reporter:

Jennifer Lopez is in talks to star in the remake of the romantic comedy “Overboard,” which Overbrook is producing for Columbia.

The 1987 movie, which starred Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn and was directed by Garry Marshall, centered on a snooty, spoiled woman who falls off her yacht and is taken to the hospital by a local, morally challenged carpenter. When she wakes up with amnesia, he convinces her she is his wife, thereby getting a free housekeeper for his four boys.

Right. No, definitely. Good thinking, guys. The problem is, just as one does not simply drive into Mordor, one does not simply remake Overboard with Jennifer Lopez. You’ve got to jazz it up! You know, 4 tha kidz! Here are a couple of suggestions (relax Hollywood, they’re not “ideas”):

  • A snooty, spoiled hover-woman falls off her hover-yacht and is taken to the hover-hospital by a local, morally challenged hover-carpenter. When she wakes up with hover-amnesia, he convinces her she is his hover-wife, thereby getting a free hover-housekeeper for his four hover-boys.
  • A snooty, spoiled alien falls off her spaceship and is taken to the secret government substation by a local, morally challenged Zune Repairman. When the alien wakes up with amnesia, he convinces it that it is his wife, thereby getting a free alien-housekeeper for his four Pandoran Prawns.
  • A snooty, spoiled barista falls off her Starbucks and is taken to the hospital by a local, morally challenged Tony Hawk. When she wakes up with space cancer, he convinces her she is a robot, thereby getting a free robot with space cancer for his four homeboys who must SKATE OR DIE.
  • A snooty, spoiled Heelies™ inventor falls off her Burton™ snowboard and is taken to the Apple™ store Genius Bar™ by a local, morally challenged Pepperoni Hot Pockets™ distributor. When she wakes up with an X-BOX 360™, he convinces her she is Guy Fieri™, thereby getting a free Mountain Dew Code Black™.
  • Also this is going to be in 3D, right? Just kidding. I’M NOT AN IDIOT, HOLLYWOOD. I know this is going to be in 3D, jeez.

    Comments (56)
    1. Ha ha, oh man, I remember that movie where Kurt Russell basically rapes Goldie Hawn. I’ll never forget it, no matter how hard I try.

    2. Bastian! Call my name!

    3. i have seen this movie countless times (thanks cbs) and the only thing i insist remain in the remake is the confetti. i have no idea why this is the most memorable part of the movie to me.

      • tbs!!! what a typo!!! cbs would never rerun this movie over and over again when there are two and a half men episodes to be shown.

        • Actual conversation* between my parents this week:
          My dad: So Charlie Sheen is out of rehab, so there are going to be new “Two and a Half Men episodes soon.
          My mom: oh, good!

          *overheard by me, because I am homeless and unemployed, and live in the “guest room” formerly known as “mine.”

    4. i’d be tony hawk’s robot with space cancer any day. (i think that’s a euphemism for saying i would like to get to know tony hawk in the carnal sense, right guys? maybe?)

    5. Overbrook is Will Smith’s production company and it is named after the neighborhood that he grew in. I grew up in it too. Thanks to Will Smith, I am now associated with an Overboard remake starring Jennifer Lopez. I am ashamed.

      • My deepest sympathies. If only we could go back to the good old days, when you were associated with chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool and all shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school.

      • “Jenny from the Block” : JLo :: Overbrook production company : Will Smith

        My dad went to Overbrook and still helps out at the high school. They have BEGGED Will Smith to come back and talk to the kids, or donate something they could auction because the school has no money and is falling apart (recently they had been fundraiser for soap dispensers in the bathrooms, not exactly luxurious). He completely ignores them every time.

        [I hate that I typically get to get to videogum late, but hopefully you will get time away from steering the Shut Up to read this Captain]

        • Sadly, the Shut Up will always be needed somewhere, but I have an iPhone (I don’t have an iPhone) so I can check on the go(on my home computer)! Long story short…I did see your response. Regarding that, I was never begged to come back to my old high school, but if I was, you know I would be there! That’s how I was raised in OVP. I am officially taking Overbrook back from Will Smith!

    6. Make Goldie Hawn a spicy latina! So hot right now.

    7. I can’t wait until the remake ‘She’s Out of My League’. The comedy of 2 weeks ago feels really stale in our modern hoverworld.

    8. How about we just rerelease the original and slap an “H” in front of the title? (H)overboard. Problem solved, and we barely used a brain cell.

    9. A snooty, spoiled film director falls off his Oscar pedestal and is taken to the shame-bank by his local, morally challenged ex-wife. When he wakes up with a pig in his jacuzzi instead of Jamie Foxx, he convinces himself he can direct dramatic films just as well as overblown CGI, thereby getting a free ticket to DelusionVille for his four egos.

    10. I’m going to pre-order this on blu-ray

    11. oh! and instead of a little kid who imitates Pee-Wee Herman, there will be a little kid who only speaks in autotune.

    12. Gary Marshall is the worst person ever, right?

    13. not to get all uptightplotlinecorrectinggum over here mr. hollywood reporter but she is not “taken to the hospital by a local, morally challenged carpenter.” she is taken FROM the hospital by a local, morally challenged (BUT SEXY!) carpenter. if he had, you know, saved her from drowning and taken her to the hospital himself it might have made the ensuing movie a little less creppy (no, it wouldn’t have).

      i might have had this on vhs, dubbed off the teevee at the lowest possible quality so i could also fit a fish called wanda before it and die hard after it. might.

    14. When it comes to movies, the words “remake” and “Jennifer Lopez” usually means disaster, however when combined it’s the recipe for the biggest clusterfuck ever.

    15. It’s a hell of a day at sea, sir.

    16. Possible casting solutions for Kurt Russell’s character:

      – Horatio Sanz
      – George Lopez
      – Carlos Mencia
      – Jay Leno
      – Topher Grace
      – Madonna
      – Kurt Russell
      – Topher Grace

    17. Hasbeens sure get a lot of work these days. Work = messing up my beloved childhood memories.

    18. Why even bother remaking the B and C list movies from the 80s? Can’t they at least start making new movies about breakfast cereal characters?

    19. Anyone else catch an undertone of Hispanic “maid” (a la Maid in Manhattan)?

    20. I would like to point out that ‘Overboard’ was already re-made as a 24 episode Korean Drama called ‘Fantasy Couple’. (http://wiki.d-addicts.com/Couple_of_Fantasy)

      Therefore this should be Overboard 3.0…

    21. Hope they shoot it in iMax for when JLo recreates Goldie’s bending over in a thong scene.

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