This guy is called the Lottery Guru, and as you will see, he is clearly very rich and has definitely got millions of dollars in the bank. He also has a ton of tips for how we can all win the lottery, and he shares them in this video, I guess as a charity. Lord knows, for the Lottery Guru, it’s not about the money at this point. Holy cow. I am really excited about this, you guys. It’s going to be awesome to be so rich.

What are you guys going to do with all the money that you are definitely going to win by following these super useful tips? I’m going to buy a hover-mansion in the nice part of space. And a PT Cruiser, FULLY LOADED. And an Apple iPad. And a special garbage can that is just for throwing away my Apple iPads. And then I’m going to become a philanthropist.

Most of my donations are going to go to our nation’s malnourished newspaper fact-checking departments. Because seriously, nation’s newspapers, 60% of lottery drawing numbers being reported incorrectly (a fact that I am sure the Lottery Guru has right) is way too many percent. We need to get our nation’s newspapers reporting the lottery drawing numbers with at least 60% ACCURACY.

If I win the lottery this week, which I am assuming I will, based on this video, I believe that I can get the inaccuracy/accuracy proportions of our nation’s newspapers’ reporting of lottery drawing numbers inverted by the year 2013. That should give us plenty of time, right? UH OHHHHHH.

Comments (32)
  1. I’m going to pay Die Antwoord to Fight The Insane Clown Posse to determine which band gets my undying affection.

  2. This guy is clearly a genius. I’m no mathormagician but it would take me at least three or four entire note books worth of notes and X’ed out number matrices to figure out how to do simple division.He figured that shit out in ONE! Enjoy your winnings guy, you earned them. P.S. Sorry you wife hates balls?

  3. If there’s one rule I hold near and dear to my heart, it’s “If you’re going to go shoot a random assortment of lottery paraphernalia in the Las Vegas desert using a semi-automatic rifle, don’t wear a collarless red tuxedo shirt, because it’s a fashion choice that no one can successfully pull off.”

    Lottery Guru, you’ve proven me wrong. Talk about a paradigm shift.

  4. I was afraid to post this because of all the V for VGum gnashing of teeth, and that’s exactly why I’ve decided to post it. Technically not a gif. Also, it’s a pop culture reference. Yay!
    G for Gum.

  5. I think the real question is Who Wants To Be Chamillionaire? Right? Am I right? (The answer is no.)

  6. That’s your sugar daddy. He buys you anything you want from the novelty store.

  7. I buy Us Weekly on Thursday mornings. I know, I know. I can’t help it. Anyway, the line at the 7-11 is so depressing. Everyone is there to buy something that’s bad for them, me included. Most people are buying lottery tickets and/or cigarettes. Everyone avoids eye contact.

  8. 60 percent of the time lotto guru’s tips work everytime.

  9. This guy should run a show called Dialing For Dollars and Dumbasses.

  10. Why even try to win the lottery if you have Francis?

  11. Those were some great tips. We’re going to need a bigger pro.

  12. Remember to pay your taxes!

  13. I like how he shows us this complicated mathematical equation, then in the next second it’s “oh, just buy a number shaker from the novelty store and put down whatever the hell you want.”

  14. “Feeling a little frustrated? Let me show you how to relieve that tension”
    … Is it still cool to use That’s What She Said’s on Videogum?

  15. After the Raekwon video yesterday, and the tag “C.R.E.A.M.” on this video, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached status.

  16. Everyone knows playing the lottery is basically like brushing your teeth, and you should always brush your teeth!

  17. It’s going to be embarrassing when we all show up with the winning ticket at the same time.

  18. 2 words to describe what I plan to do with my Lottery Guru winnings: MONEY BATH

  19. I love this. I will do anything Tobias Funke of the Lotteries tells me to do!
    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy a semi-automatic weapon and a notebook.

  20. THE BIGGEST HINT OF ALL is taping your lottery tickets to your fridge so you don’t lose them?!

    THANKS, lottery guy!! Now I know where they’ll be until such time as I feel the need to SHOOT AT THEM!

  21. so to recap:
    Hint #1: become invisible
    Hint #2: lottery tickets aren’t free, dummy!
    Hint #3: 60% of the time, you can make up statistics
    The biggest hint of all: if you don’t have a refrigerator and a shitload of tape, you ain’t winning no lottery

  22. So old. Saw this at Found Footage Festival back in November.

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