Math! Suck trailer, you guys:

It was only a matter of time before Hollywood tried to capitalize on the current vampire craze by trying to branch out into Emerging Vampire Markets. “We have got to reach the kids who want to like vampires, but are also into this cool new music called grunge.” That is just a typical Hollywood fat cat making his pitch. Of course, what Hollywood doesn’t realize is that some of us just GENUINELY DON’T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT VAMPIRES. We are in a select group of people called “adults.” It is not that we would like vampires if only their story was told against a backdrop of things that we were into, like Passion Pit, and dinner parties. It is just that at a certain point you realize that make believe paranormal metaphors for sexual anxiety and morbid obsession aren’t going to pay the gas bill. And you need to pay the gas bill, because if you don’t it will mess up your credit!

That being said, hats off to Hollywood for making a vampire movie with actual vampires in it. Iggy Pop, of course, was “turned” during a party to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence. And a very happy 407th birthday to Alice Cooper.

Comments (47)
  1. “You’re getting old.”
    Pot calling the kettle black Dave Foley?

  2. MAN YOU know what DOESN’T fuckin SUCK though? FIREFLY! IT IS seriously SO GOOD, y’all!

  3. I actually think I would see this. But then again, I have the New Moon soundtrack because Bon Iver and St. Vincent have a duet on it. So, I’m just weak and Hollywood has my soul.

    Keep Calm and Carry On.

  4. I think its weird this is the first time the “suck”-tag has been used on Videogum. Just sayin’, it could have been used way more…

  5. They Had to make it about vampires, their terrifying verb is the only one that worked as a film title. They workshopped a zombie version, but ‘saunter’ didn’t have the same ring to it.

  6. Wait, so vampires can make better music? That’s a vampire power? Or is the music vampire themed: “Blood Sucker-Boogie” and other horrible things. Something makes me doubt Lou Reed recorded new music for this movie, they’ll probably just play Walk on the Wild Side with a montage of them doing bitchin-hard rockin-vampirin stuff. (Can these movies and shows and books and MUSIC? Just go away now? Please?)

  7. For those of us who have been waiting forever to see Moby and Dave Foley team up in a movie, our time has finally come. Assuming, of course, that we exist.

  8. Passion Pit and dinner parties? Yuck! I’ll take my Harry Potter, Battle Star Galactica, True Blood and SPACED, and go play elsewhere because dinner parties are the WORST, especially when the topic turns to what music everyone is into.

  9. I like their outfits?

  10. I am really impressed that Gabe got the order of operations correct.

  11. Math sure has changed since I was a kid.

  12. I sense a sound mixing Oscar

  13. This could be a cult classic guys! (potentially) We better start liking it now, while it’s still cool to.
    Also, isn’t labeling a movie as “potential cult classic” kind of like giving yourself a nickname?

  14. LOL at Hardcore Moby (NO FRIGGIN WAY)

  15. For Vampire Powers, you submitted: “I can turn into fog.”

    Judges?

  16. Congrats on getting your single on the radio, vampire band! I can’t wait to listen to it on my compact disc player.

  17. Dear Mr. Cooper,
    I remember when I first saw you on the Muppet Show. It was at the tail end of an all Muppet VHS that my mother taped for me while I was going to Kindergarten. I was so happy; the worst thing about going to school was missing my TV shows. I realize now that it must have taken her days, maybe even a week to make, yet, at the time, I was SO disappointed when it cut out before your final song that I may have even thrown a fit. It “ran out of tape” she said.

    “Sorry kiddo.”

    I was in my twenties before I finally watched the whole show. I had forgotten. I had gotten used to stopping the tape after the Cheryl Ladd episode (I always wanted to be an Angel). It was my small friend Heather who had her own vhs that CAME FROM A STORE though only held four episodes (pathetic). “This was my favorite tape!” She said in her small voice from her small mouth. “It has Vincent Price!”

    And so we sat and we watched. Then came the final song, the song I had always imagined was such a spectacular show ender! It started fine enough, solid, but then you took off the graduation robes to reveal a shiny red leotard. with rips and tears. and a devil tail. and a pitchfork. and boots. and the dancing, the terrible dancing. My heart was broken, Alice; it has never been the same. I want to forgive you but my senses tell me stop.

    Cheryl Ladd remains amazing, however, and I still want to be an Angel.

    -XOXO-

    • What’s a lot of fun is to imagine that the Mr. Cooper in question here is actually Mark Curry, the title star of the television program “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper”.

  18. That made me really uncomfortable!~!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with me!!!!!

  19. Oh, that reminds me! I really need to pay my gas bill…

  20. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Mar 12th, 2010 0

    You say you don’t care about vampires now, but just wait until Tommy Wiseau finishes the vampire movie he says he’s making. You will eat your words (you will suck your words?)

  21. So being a vampire gives you a bad case of duck lips? Yeesh lady, tone down on the collagen.

  22. You think THAT’s bad!? You should check out the homeless fake-suicide bomb vampires in Seattle:

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100312/ap_on_re_us/us_seattle_bomb_threat

  23. uhhh. I actually would really really like to see this.

    • Agreed. If Hollywood is so bad at making actual good movies, maybe they should just start making more delightful train wrecks like this.

  24. No. Not Bowie.

  25. Hollywood had nothing to do with this, by the way….this is Canadian filmmaking at it’s finest/worstest.

  26. So vampires are the new zombies? Sorry, I can’t sign up for that hay ride. Give me my Zombie Strippers and Special Dead any day.

  27. ummmm hey (oh what’s that? i’m 2 weeks too late for anyone to see this? cool, right on time) – this is almost exactly the plot of Jennifer’s Body. the girl is even named Jennifer?? cool. of course she is. huh?

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