Lady Gaga and Beyonce are in a video together? Great! It’s 10 minutes long? Oh. (Who does Lady Gaga think she is, the Black Eyed Peas?) Lady Gaga and Beyonce in “Telephone,” you guys:

Look, I like Lady Gaga, and I love Beyonce, and no offense to people whose job it is to spend as much time as possible watching music videos, but this probably (definitely?) didn’t need to be 10 minutes long. Lady Gaga may be on the cutting edge of fashion, but she is apparently not on the cutting edge of how long people feel like watching videos (3-5 minutes, FACT). And if you are going to have Beyonce and Lady Gaga riding around in the Kill Bill “Pussy Wagon” then you seriously, SERIOUSLY need to have Beyonce and Lady Gaga in a samurai sword Final Boss ninja fight. I actually do not get that part at all. Someone needs to SEXT director Jonas Akerlund and explain to him that the “Pussy Wagon” was NOT the best part of Kill Bill. It might even have been the worst part. Why is that in this video? ARGH, WHY IS THAT IN THIS VIDEO? The fact that the “Pussy Wagon” is in this but that it in no other meaningful way parodies or mimics the actual Kill Bill movie (they kill a guy with poisoned honey at a bar?) makes me so mad. Either be your own thing or be a parody/homage, but don’t be some stupid in-between things. Not if you are going to be 10 minutes long. A rare miss, Lady Gaga. A rare miss, Beyonce. An about average miss, Jonas Akerlund.

I hope that the “To Be Continued” at the end means that there’s going to be a second video in which everyone apologizes for this one.

Comments (123)
  1. I hate to admit it, but I watched this entire video earlier this morning. All 10 minutes of it. There were at least 10 times I nearly clicked away, but I was sure there would be something at the end that would make all of this noise and flash and manufactured strangeness worth my time.

    There wasn’t.

    Sure, Lady Gaga makes some really catch songs that are probably really popular in the dance clubs. There’s no denying that. But she’s only been in the broad public consciousness for about a year and a half and her act is already so, so tired. She is weird for weird’s sake. Everything — from the outfits, to the hair, to the herky-jerky dance moves, to the semi-creepy/semi-WTF videos — seem so contrived that it is almost painful to watch.

    She may have more talent as a singer/performer than Ke$ha, but make no mistake, they are two peas in the same overly calculated, mass-marketed pod.

    • Gaga showed up on E! after my Chelsea time, talking about how there is always a hidden subtext to her videos and music. I started to ask myself if this meant she was an illuminatist or some kind of puppet or pawn for the NWO, and I realized


      MJ is right, that is a dumb question, because of course she’s an illuminatist.

      • She also said that Tarrantino said go for it on the Pussy Wagon, and apparently both B and G were all about it.
        I enjoyed all of the homoerotic subtexts, mostly because it was women doing it. And the part about her not having a wang? PRICELESS

        • The part where she flashed her lady business as proof that she’s not a herm was genuinely shocking and kind of awesome. And I’m not even into chicks! Madonna is kicking herself right now for not thinking of this first.

      • I love my Chelsea time. It’s the best way to end the day – snuggled up with my little doggie while we sip warm milk and Belvedere before bed.

      • Oh man, you might be joking, but there are WAY too many people on the interwebz who believe she actually is. Too much proof:

        Full vid at http://vimeo.com/8658855. More insane ramblings about why Gaga is actually the carrier of Baphomet (I really wish I was making this up), which reads like the transcript of a teenage girl watching the Eclipse trailer, san be found at http://mkculture.blogspot.com/2009/11/gaga-for-death_12.html . Best part: at the end, the website suggests you might like “Noah Cyrus Smacks That”. Because, insane.

      • Is it stupid? Careful what you say, The Eye is watching you!

      • Oh man, you might be joking, but there are WAY too many people on the interwebz who believe she actually is. Too much proof: here are some insane ramblings about why Gaga is actually the carrier of Baphomet (I really wish I was You Can Making This Up), which reads like the transcript of a teenage girl watching the Eclipse trailer, can be found at http://mkculture.blogspot.com/2009/11/gaga-for-death_12.html .
        Best part: at the end, the website suggests you might like “Noah Cyrus Smacks That”. Because, insane.

        • And no, I am not joking. I won’t get all vigilant citizen on you, but it’s real and more pervasive then most would ever be willing to bring themselves to admit, and stretches beyond entertainment.

      • I, uh, *cough* *cough* watched it on E! as well. It felt kind of like the iPad keynote address to me. Ryan Seacrest kept using superlatives to describe the video before it aired: “This is Lady Gaga’s MOST CRAZIEST RISQUE-EST NUTZO WONDERFULEST BEAUTIFUL USER INTERFACE-EST REVOLUTIONARYEST WAY TO SURF THE WEB WITHOUT FLASHIEST music video yet.”

        Then I thought as I was watching it, this is a little lazy looking. But I liked it anyway. I’ll probably end up buying one because I never got a smartphone, and I only use a giant desktop… what are we talking about?

    • overcalculated is just a synonym for “pop music.” would you rather watch more nickelback videos? if anybody was going to become a superstar, id rather watch her nonsense than something where nobody even makes sandwiches.

      • Everyone loves sandwiches!

      • Are those our only choices: Lady Gaga or Nickelback? Really? Your iTunes library must be awesome!

        • of course not. we all have a million choices in our modern world. which i think frees pop music to be as vapid as it wants to be. pop music is just the general background of america. it’s on the radio, it’s in the dentist’s office, it’s what your niece wants to talk to you about at thanksgiving. and if i was going to choose, i think what she is doing is more interesting than the other acts on the market these days.

      • Overcalculated is not inherently synonymous with pop music, it has become so in the past 10 or 15 years, though. (Would you say the Carpenters were overcalculated? ABBA? Even Boy George wasn’t overcalculated as he came out of a legitimate club scene) I think that the music business is definitely all about the cult of personality, but I do feel that it has gotten a little out of control. The end result is that, despite by all appearances Lady Gaga appears to be a very smart, progressive individual, she does not express that through her art. What she expresses is “LOOK AT ME! I DO CRAZY THINGS” with no connection to her songs (i have only heard pokerface and now this one) except the most overt literal representation of an admittedly awesome telephone hairstyle. The looks that she and, I assume, her team create are amazing. I just wish her songs were better. She is a total construct and it puts me off.

        • why can’t someone be a total construct? cirque du soleil gets to go home and put on sweatpants and not worry about the symbolism of clown ballet. why does lady gaga have to have a message?

          • Oh, she doesn’t have to have a message. But her songs sound like they were created by an algorithm in order to please the most people. That’s fine. It’s just not what I like.

          • I should really wait to respond until I form complete thoughts. I wasn’t saying that her politics should inform her art. Creative expression or even a “messsage” doesn’t have to be political. I just don’t see what she does as being incredibly authentic. But, like I said, that’s a personal thing. Who am I to judge her authenticity?

          • she doesn’t, but maybe she should stop telling interviewers that she does.

        • Sorry, just to be clear (because I know you were all saying, “please, rb, elaborate a little more on what you think.”) pop music has definitely always been about marketing and calculated to sell records and create stars to sell records, just that the overcalculated-ness is a more recent phenomenon.

        • Yeah, Gaga was much better before she sold out.

          nb: The continuation will actually be a song titled “Fuck You, I’m Not The Least Bit Sorry About Telephone” and the video will just be a looping animated Gif of the Pussy Wagon speeding away from the prison.

          • I’m very confused by your use of the phrase, “before she sold out.” Her whole image, since she anointed herself the name “Lady Gaga” is about not only selling out, but embracing it shamelessly. A pre-sellout LG never existed; that was as Stefani.

      • yeah, the sandwich number was pretty brill.

    • Thank you, thank you, thank you SO MUCH. FINALLY.

  2. Is the video posted and and just not loading for me or did Gabe forget to post/link to it?

    And sorry werttrew if this is a tips@videogum sorta thing but I’m lazy.

      • FWIW, I was vaguely offended by the video, which is a novel experienence! I thought I was jaded enough that such things wouldn’t get to me, but yep, this did. Specifically, WHY DID THEY KILL ALL THOSE PEOPLE? The jerky guy, okay. But everyone in the restaurant? Why? I guess if I had a sense of their motivation than I could understand it, but there wasn’t really any reason I could discern! So we’re supposed to identify with the pretty lady and the weird lady who … poisoned everyone in a diner? Why?!?

        Also, why so much exposition and so little song? I want my music videos to have music, darn it!

        Yes, I am basically 83 years old. Get me my cane and my prune juice.

        • I get it now! Didn’t her dog die recently? And then there is a dead dog in this video. Obviously, it’s full of hidden messages for us to use to figure out who did it! We need Nicolas Cage to protect us while we crack the code.

    • I don’t know what happened to the video! It was in there when I wrote the post, and then disappeared for some reason.

      It is fixed now.

  3. I think Lady GaGa is this decade’s constant. Every pop culture ‘generation’ has an iconic person who is just crazy enough to make the rest of us feel grounded and helps us define ‘normal’ by being the epitome of ‘abnormal’. Love her or hate her, she makes pretty catchy songs and when you decide to get crazy and wear a bowler hat and a mesh tank top, at least you didn’t make a dress out of childhood memories:

    • sigh.. Lady Gaga didn’t make this dress. It’s from a recent collection by Moroccan designer Jean-Charles de Castelbajac, who made a similar coat in the 80s for Madonna. Here it is on the runway:

      I get that a lot of people find this silly (me too!) but I’m tired of people assuming that because they find this weird, Gaga must also find this weird and thus chooses to dress this way for no other reason than to be weird. Plenty of people also find it aesthetically pleasing! Like the fashion designer who created this, and many other respected designers who design a lot of the other clothes she wears (i.e. the

      ).

        • Oh yes, she’s weird enough all right. But I don’t think her weirdness is an affectation in order to attract attention. (Notsewfast didn’t say they believed that either, but others have, and I was just responding to that pic).

          Like I think furries are weird, but I don’t presume that they dress and act the way they do simply to get attention. Also, how do I embed a pic? not using the html tags?

          • … aaand just a few comments down is the answer to the last question. reading! anyways, here’s the kermit jacket on the runway

          • Well I don’t follow Muppet dress making as closely as you do, so here I defer to your expertise. My point was that we, as a whole, need insane celebrities to help us form a continuum of ‘normal’ (wearing pants) to ‘strange’ (wearing pants made of Tom Selleck’s mustache trimmings) so that when you decide to wear denim overalls out to dinner, you can say to yourself with some degree of confidence that you fall between ‘normal’ clothing wearing people and ‘dressed like a used tampon’

            Though I’m sure this is from a renowned terrifying dress maker, and again I defer to your expertise.

          • yes yes i agree. and that lace dress is based on a design from Alexander McQueen

  4. I watched it and it was way less crazy then some of Lady Gaga’s other insane videos. In fact, I thought the first couple of minutes were from the pilot of the long-speculated Prison Break spin-off and ends as an episode of Family Guy with random pop-culture references.

    The most crazy thing about that was the Pussy Wagon was used, even though (IMDB backed me up on this on) Quentin Tarantino owns it. So he has lent out his car for this video. My mind might explode when realizing why.

  5. It was totally worth it for all the Beyonce face.

  6. Honestly, I loved it. This is probably because I am a huge GaGa and Beyonce fan. It was funny and campy and there was the Pussy Wagon. That made me happy.

    [IMG]http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af303/decencies/gagatelephone7.gif[/IMG]

  7. Doesn’t Iggy Pop have better things to do than cross-dress and co-star in a Lady GaGa video?

  8. I’m such a sucker for things that are visually HQ, that I want to dislike it more, but I can’t. What bothers me the most is that it has ZERO to do with the song. Like, ok, you can stretch it to fit a sweet concept, but seriously? “I wrote the lyric ‘hello, hello baby you called I can’t hear a thing/I have got no service in the club you see see’ with the picture in my head of me being in a lezzie S&M jail calling up my BFF Beyonce.
    I said what now?
    Although, Gaga calling her ‘honeybee’ was totes worth it.

  9. Gabe’s just upset because whenever he tells someone to go to jail, he now has to stipulate “and not Gaga Jail.” Also, I can roll my eyes with the best of them and shrug off contrived weirdness and play along, but I call bull shit on the cigarette glasses. Don’t you talk to me like that Lady Gaga.

    • Exactly! It’s like there’s an entire team of art directors and designers who *just* missed making the cut for season 19 of Project Runway sitting around trying to think up the crrrrrraziest things for her to wear.

      Designer 1: “How about some old people sunglasses, like the kind that go over your regular glasses?”

      Art Director: “Ha! Too pedestrian. This is Lady Gaga we’re talking about. What else do you got?”

      Designer 2: “Um, what if we hot-glued a bunch of lit cigarettes to the old people sunglasses?”

      Art Director: “Now you’re talking!”

      • I didn’t get contrived “high” fashion from the glasses. They just seemed convenient to me. People are always trading stuff for cigarettes for stuff in jail.

        • Yeah, she also made curlers out of Diet Coke cans. Just a way to look fab by any means necessary at hot Gaga jail.

          I don’t know if I liked it, but I definitely have seen it. So that’s something!

        • I think the glasses were DEFINITELY about the way cigs are traded for goods and services in jail. It’s like, I have glasses that are so amazing they burn well over 2 packs of cigarettes per wear, i am the richest most awesomest prisoner in the yard (sans milkshake)

  10. “This is a disaster”

  11. Thanks, Gabe, for watching this video so I don’t have to. All anyone could talk about yesterday was how great this “Telephone” video is, like people on Facebook who never post videos or anything music-related, but somehow needed to share how utterly impressed they were with this video as if it’s the best video since “Thriller” or something. I can get down with both Beyoncé and Lady Gaga, but I’m not going to pretend they are musical geniuses that merit end-of-the-world-type attention.

  12. Guys, lets make a sandwich.

  13. I just like her kitchen sandwich dance. She was all like “nom, nom, nom!” with invisible Conan-esque sandwich strings and I was like “I’m hungry for sandwiches!” I don’t think I can be mad at a video with a segment called “Let’s Make a Sandwich.”

  14. I think Lady Gaga makes great pop music, but what is with her face? It changes all the time. I feel like there are three Gaga’s who all look sorta alike (ugly, sorta ugly, and kinda of hot), but are different places at different times. That would make me like her so much more if true.

  15. I HATED how much advertising they were jamming down our throats. Virgin Mobile phones, Plentyoffish.com. It was like a music video for myspace. I didn’t even watch all of it, but maybe Ford is going to mass produce the pussy wagon and they had to incorporate it in somehow?

  16. Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread also had an appearance.

  17. I like how Beyonce was just completely Gagaified. Way to have your own personality, person who’s been a star for a lot longer than Lady Gaga.

    • I thought it was a nice reciprocation of Gaga toning down the crazy for Beyonce in her ‘Videophone’ video.

      Lord, it’s happening. I’m stanning.

  18. This video was no Madonna on Marriage Ref, that much is for sure.

  19. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  20. I just watched it again.

    I like it, you guys. No homo.

  21. This video needs more crotch shots.

  22. I also liked it, but it’s definitely the same “level” as her other videos. It’s not some kind of crazy new level. Level.

  23. It’s ‘Thelma & Louise’ and ‘Showgirls’ as well as ‘Kill Bill’, so what did Jonas Åkerlund “miss” here?

  24. Lady Gags wins! No way people are going to keep googling whether she is a hermaphrodite or a transvestite after this video!

  25. I think this video was a paid advertisement for…

    It’s all in the subtleties. Wonder bread…

  26. It’s not a work of art, that’s for fucking sure, but isn’t there something to be said for two very powerful female pop musicians who are totally in control of their careers and image?

    Maybe I don’t like everything that Gaga did in this videe, but I like that she has the ability to do whatever the fuck she wants in this video. How many other women in the music industry can you say that about?

    • Is she though? Lady Gaga is making bank, which means her record company is probably counting on her to make bank, which probably means they really want to or do control what she does. She’s a freakin’ pop star–it’s very rare that they are really in total control. The weirdness doesn’t mean she’s just “doing what she wants,” it’s equally an image.

      • Based on interviews with people she has worked with, Gaga is apparently very much in control of what she does. Collaboration is a huge part of the deal, but she is mostly able to make her own calls. So it seems. Word on the street. You know.

      • She commands her fan base now, not the label, much like how Conan commanded his. Can you imagine what she could do if the record label said no to something she really wanted?

  27. Prison for Bitches looked like a terrifying place. I will def. be committing no more crimes in 2010!

    • mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Mar 12th, 2010 +7

      Don’t worry. You can just have a friend bail you out of prison, because that’s totally a thing that happens.

  28. I kinda loved the video. It’s bizarre and campy and colorful, just like Gaga. Of course, she’s won me over with her excellent media manipulation tactics and she can actually sing. And am I the only one who stuck around after the credits rolled to see Beyonce’s video featuring Lady Gaga “Video Phone.” Nice touch with Gaga flexing her vocals. Unfortunately, neither of them can really dance (they try though) so that dance break just looked awkward and Gaga was surprisingly unsexy.

  29. mind. blown.

    but seriously, how much coke did this lady do?


    it seems like she was an actual person at one point…

  30. I see leathery lady prison guards, and I can’t help but think of what a missed opportunity this was. They should have called her:

  31. Bad video. They hyped it up too much.

  32. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  33. an increasingly less rare miss for you Gabe (see: recent Lost recaps). i think you are getting more and more bitter as you approach your eighties.

  34. The first part of the video reminds me of Michael Jackson’s Bad. Just, you know, with more product placement and bigger hats.

  35. The discussions on this post are really interesting! And, for what it is worth, the (obvious) girl (or post-op transgender) would probably love that she is provoking discussion. For what is a Pop Art pop artist without fame?

  36. YIKES. I love me some Lady Gaga, but this was just embarrassing. Gotta go watch Bad Romance a few thousand times.

    (this Yikes was brought to you by Virgin Mobile Phones and plentyoffish.com)

  37. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Mar 12th, 2010 +7

    I, for one, was pretty okay with watching this for ten minutes. I just don’t understand the point of all the singing and dancing. I thought it distracted from the sandwich making subplot. Not really a fan of musicals, especially when the music is so obviously just an afterthought.

  38. You know…everyone said “Bohemian Rhapsody is too long. It will never be a hit.”

  39. Confirmed. Having a penis is not a prerequisite to being a drag-queen.

  40. More than anything I’m perplexed by Jai Rodriguez’s reappearance here.

  41. I heard the Pussy Wagon actually just won the Virgin Mobile sponsored “Be in Lady Gaga’s New Video” contest. Case closed, guys!

  42. Tarantino and Jay-Z hate this

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