YO, WASSSUP, I’M TYPING THIS AS FAST AS I CAN BECAUSE MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO FALL OUT AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT MY DYING WORDS ARE TRUE AND SINCERE, BECAUSE EDWARD WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT WAY. HE HAS A REAL LOVE OF POETRY (PROBABLY?). ANYWAY, I’M NOT GOING TO WASTE YOUR TIME TODAY TALKING ABOUT WHAT IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE WHEN YOU ARE THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF BARQ’S ROOT BEER. IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT WE SHARE AS TEENAGERS AND AS A 57-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO JUST REALLY UNDERSTANDS WHAT TEENAGERS ARE GOING THROUGH, IT’S THAT THIS WHOLE THING RELIES ON MUTUAL RESPECT AND NOT BEING A PHONY POSEUR LIKE YOU SEE AT THE SKATEPARKS. WE ALL KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE, AND SO ENOUGH TALKING ALREADY. SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE THAT’S ALL ADULTS EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO. ADULTS SUCK! (NO VAMPIRO!)

AFTER THE JUMP, I HAVE POSTED THE FULL LENGTH TRAILER FOR TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE. YOU PROBABLY WANT TO WATCH THIS WITH A LOVED ONE, PREFERABLY SOMEONE WITH A DRIVER’S LICENSE WHO CAN RUSH YOU IMMEDIATELY TO THE HOSPITAL. “DOCTOR, MY CHILD IS HAVING CONVULSIONS OF ABSOLUTE PLEASURE.” “I’M SORRY, MA’AM, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AMPUTATE…YOUR CHILD’S HEART!” OMGGGGGGGGG.

Haha. “Edward, she found us.” Really? I wonder how she found you. Oh wait, are you still both living in the same small town in the same houses you used to live in? No, just curious, I’m sure that’s not how she found you. She is so tricky! Also, um, I know that Jacob was supposedly being heroic, or whatever, but “I will fight for you until your heart stops beating” is the creepiest.

JUST KIDDING YOU GUYS, THAT WAS ME DOING AN IMPERSONATION OF AN ADULT WHO DIDN’T GET IT. AS IF THERE’S ANOTHER KIND OF ADULT! AREN’T ADULTS THE WORST? IT’S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME WHEN THEY’RE ALL DEAD AND WE ARE IN CHARGE. OH MY GUHD I LUV THIS MOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEE. MARRY ME, EDWARD AND/OR JACOB I REALLY DON’T CARE AT THIS POINT!

Comments (53)
  1. “I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.”

    IS THAT A THREAT?!?!

  2. So the main conflict of this movie is who is going to win the *talking like this* contest, right?

  3. Everyone read the spoilers for R. Pat’s new movie, right? Epic, just epic.

    • Uhhhhhh I just did. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

      • In the Remember Me FAQs, the answer to “Why is Robert Pattinson listed as an executive producer?” is a total win:

        “This production credit enabled him to prevent the movie from being put out as some cheesy love story. By having him on as EP, if it started to look like that was going to happen (which it didn’t), he could use his clout as EP to redirect the focus more onto what it is. In the end, he really didn’t do a whole lot, but what it accomplished was very significant for everyone who wanted this movie to fulfill its potential.”

        PHEW! For a minute there I was worried “Remember Me” was going to be some cheesy love story, but it totally isn’t ’cause Robert Pattinson’s clout said so.

        • This is also one of those great example of the way IMDb info is sort of like translating something through babelfish– because who is putting this stuff there? Who watches the special features on a movie and then like, writes up bullet points for the internet? The answer is: crazy people, who talk like the above quotation.

        • Robert Pattinson’s clout…filthy.

        • isn’t executive producer sometimes a meaningless credit? i read that sometimes it’s just another way to get your name in the credits so people think you had some sort of creative input when you really didn’t.

  4. Edward (he’s the vampire kid, right?) always talks like his stupid vampire fangs are poking him in the upper lip. I’ll bet that hurts. He should go see a vampire dentist and get that taken care of.

  5. Where was the next Universal monster? I thought the third movie introduced Black Lagoon creatures or something.

  6. This trailer needs more abs.

  7. I love how mope this is. I mean, how dope!

  8. I like how the trailer manages to capture the action and excitement of the movie. No, wait, sorry, meant to say that NOTHING HAPPENS IN IT.

  9. LOL parents are the worst. also the monsters in twilight arent vampires. i cant talk about twilight without saying that or my head will explode.

  10. No one will ever understand my love for whoever will have me!

  11. I hope that one guys mustache wins at least a Golden Globe.

    • At this point I’m legitimately surprised that the MTV Movie Awards don’t have a Best Moustache category. But, Golden Globes. Shoot for the moon!

  12. All these movies are just a tease for the cinematic disaster that will be Edward eating out Renesme from inside Bella in the last movie. It. Will. Be. Awesome.

  13. “I’m in love with you, and I want you to pick me instead of him.” How does Taylor Lautner put SO MUCH FEELING into his words?

  14. Now I need to find a clean pair of pants. Thanks a lot, Twilight: Eclipse trailer.

  15. Well my boss just walked up and at first I thought it was lucky that I had my internet browser minimized. Then I noticed him noticing my taskbar with the minimized icon for Firefox displaying the page name “Teen Korner: TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE TRAILER IN YOUR PANTSSSSSSSS”.

    I wonder if he will fire me or put me on some sort of ‘teen website lurker’ watchlist?

  16. The thinly veiled metaphors for saving yourself for marriage are almost too much to bear. Oops, I mean ABS!!!! SQUEEE!

  17. Total Eclipse of the Heart. In your pantssss!

  18. If New Moon was any precusor, the budget for destructible shorts is going to be insane

  19. Ugh, I didn’t know I had to STILL be on either Team Jacob or Team Edward. Can I just not be on a team? Is that even legal?

  20. I’m tingling all over.

  21. I got goosebumps when that one chick hopped off that rock. I hope its because I’m sitting in a freezing cold room.

  22. I’m with Team Jacob.

  23. Me and my friend Alison were watching Twilight New Moon in the theatre for the 12th time and seeing Taylor Lautner without a shirt on made me so wet.

    Near the end of the film my friend turned to me and said “I’m on Team Jacob”.

    We are NOT friends anymore.

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