The new Goop is here! And Gwyneth has some super fascinating tips for all of us on how to live our lives. Namely, we should definitely sleep. Cool tip from a cool lady.

Basically everyone I know is knackered, me included. But I didn’t imagine that there could be health problems associated with not getting a good night’s rest. I recently read a book called “Light’s Out: Sleep, Sugar and Survival” by T.S. Wiley which talks about the negative cumulative effects of sleep deprivation (aging, hormonal imbalances, etc.) I asked one of my doctors, Frank Lipman, for his opinion on the subject and the result is the fascinating piece below, followed by some suggestions on ways to sleep better.

Let’s get some shuteye, people.

Love,
--- Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh man. Every week with this thing! Well, first of all.

I’m not even going to talk about how ridiculous it is that Gwyneth Paltrow is actually using the word “knackered” (congratulations, England, she’s all yours) with no apparent sense of irony or self-deprecation because why bother, HER CHILD IS NAMED APPLE. However, I am going to talk about how insane it is that Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t know that lack of sleep could lead to health issues. Really? Really, you pompous clown? You skeletal imbecile? Because, no offense, and I’m sure your lifestyle newsletter is definitely very important and very useful, but EVERYONE KNOWS that lack of sleep is bad for you. We learned it primarily from condescending celebrity vanity projects that reflect their boredom and self-obsession the fact that we fall asleep when it has been too long since we last slept. Or at the very least, fatal-nightmare-filled-micro-naps. See also: torture.

I do love that her doctor’s advice is to not use alarm clocks. Cool advice. It’s all part of his three step plan to better health.

Step 1: quit your job.
Step 2: stop using an alarm clock and let your body wake when it is ready.
Step 3: tell your personal assistant to finish ghostwriting your celebrity lifestyle newsletter.

Nonsense.

Gwyneth Paltrow is an idiot. Of course, in England, an “idiot” is called a “lorrie.”

Comments (119)
  1. Macrobiotic sleep is actualliy healthier.

    • But how do I sleep if I have Exploding Head Syndrome???!!? That’s scary stuff!

      Google it. I swear it’s real!! This is important information for this videocommunity.

  2. She is the coolest!!! I wonder what super advice she has for my hair. I mean it’s getting kinda long and stuff and I just wish that it would become shorter somehow…like if un-grew or something. I bet she would know what to do about it!! So Cool and Hip and Healthy!!!!

  3. Of course, sleep in a bed is incredibly unhealthy. I believe that goes without saying. What she’s talking about is sleep in a bubble.

  4. How am I supposed to sleep when I’m worried that my staff is stealing from me?

  5. Zany! My doctor just recommended that I stop using an alarm clock. He also recommended I stop bating and start calling my boss a twatwaffle. I think that good things are in my future!

    • what is a twatwaffle?
      i mean i know what the two things are seperate but the portmanteau opens up a whole new bizzarro world of wtf.
      DO NOT SUBMIT AN IMAGE.

      • Urban Dictionary describes a twatwaffle as:
        twatwaffle (twat-wah-full):
        n.1 An elitist; someone unaware of their own limitations and highly critical of others.
        n.2 A general prick. See: douchebag, n00b.
        v.1 To ban; to totally pwn.
        “That Tom Cruise is such a twatwaffle.”
        or…
        “I was twatwaffled by @Blue-Six….it hurt, a lot.”

    • Upvote for breakfast reference.
      I was once quoted saying I’d beat the shit out of a Belgian waffle.
      I don’t know what I’d do to a twatwaffle…
      ANYWAY- Yes, good things are in our futures…
      Waitaminute.

  6. I discovered a new way to be put asleep, and that is the GOOP website.

  7. Oh, she’s “knackered,” is she, guv’nor?

  8. Shakespeare in UGH!

  9. Also a key to staying healthy: being able to consult “one of” your apparently numerous doctors when you are confused about the importance of sleep, ingesting water or breathing in oxygen.

    • Yeah, but what do her OTHER doctors say? Anyone can find ONE of their doctors to purport that sleep is essential to good health, but that could very well be misleading, no? I think we need to find out what the consensus among Ms. Paltrow’s physicians is. Or at least four out of five of her doctors.

  10. How am I supposed to sleep with all the soft music Chris plays every night to try and help me fall asleep? Its almost TOO soft……….

  11. (Resists urge to make a “I’d like to put GP to sleep” joke.)

  12. She’s probably confused because in England they don’t sleep, they go, “Jolly good, pip pip, tally ho!”

  13. “Basically everyone I know is knackered. I call them up to see if they want to get together for a cuppa or maybe some Heinz baked beans, and they all say, ‘Can’t. Too knackered. Completely knackered.’ I then ask if maybe they just want to chat on the phone for a bit, and they say, ‘Really, Gwyneth, I need to take a nap.’ I ask them when they’re going to have enough energy for us to get together, and by that point they’ve gotten so knackered that they’ve accidentally hung up. So, basically, everyone I know is knackered.”

  14. At what point do people show up at her door with pitchforks and torches? Because she’s obviously a monster, I mean.

  15. “But I didn’t imagine that there could be health problems associated with not getting a good night’s rest.”
    Well Then call it a fucking day because you’re just stupid.
    Lack of imagination goop for brains celebutard

    • Angry Angry Trolls…

      • I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I like picturing you walking briskly down a busy street while muttering it to yourself.

        • Correct me if I’m wrong here, Ghost of DS3M, but are you commenting on the slew of downvotes all the posts are getting?

          • Well, Initially I was responding to all the downvotes that seemed nonsensical and just mean spirited. It’s been a long running thing for me (Cuz you somehow failed to notice my presence here the last ten mos, bitching about votes, I’m SURE) and lately with the site re-do it has ramped up. I dont know if people are clearing their cache to multivote, or if there is some secret way of signing in on multiple platforms or with differing browsers allowing some vote loophole, but it’s annoying and old.

            And That One, you are right. I am in Chicago wearing my angry face and my headphones, with my videogum (unlicensed non-official) T-shirt, walking up and down the street and around wrigleyville, yelling, heckling, and trolling people in real life.


            They’re a set.

          • Relax, DS3M. I didn’t know what you were talking about and you seem pissed off. That was the first image that popped in my head and I had a little private chuckle.

            That said, I’m honestly baffled why anyone cares at all about votes. Is it some kind of confidence-boosting/sapping thing? Why does it matter if there’s someone out there downvoting every post? It doesn’t make the comments any worse.

          • That One, the only thing I can say about the voting is that it was very noticeable that someone was just running down the list and downvoting everything.
            And as far as The Ghost of DS3M’s initial comment, he merely said “Angry, angry trolls” because I am guessing he noticed what was happening as well.

            I don’t know if he’s attaching importance to the voting, but what is happening has been picked up on, and it is a trollish thing, I would agree.

            Anything else on the subject will need to be discussed further with the people that truly care about it. I only asked because I figured he was taking about what I had noticed happening.

            And in defense of DS3M, it doesn’t sound like he is angry at you for making that joke, That One. It sounded to me like he was just playing along or something.

            ANyway. I’m a leaf, so I’m gone.

          • A round of upvotes for everyone!

          • Well the pic failed, but a few observations when I was looking for it:
            - There are so many pics of Sarah Palin giving a thumbs up!
            - One you get to “Sarah P”, Google autocomplete gives you the following most popular searches in this order.
            – sarah palin
            – sarah palin hot
            – sarah palin breasts
            – sarah palin nudist
            – sarah palin swimsuit
            – sarah palin legs
            – sarah paulson

        • It won’t let me reply to your other comment for some reason?

          Also, I’m not sure where your animosity towards me stems from, but I want you to know that the post with the E-Shirts wasn’t typed in anger, I was smiling. I dk, I guess people really see me as angry just because of voting? I guess you all have no idea about how the internet works, or the roles and games we play? The personaes we inhabit, and the masks we wear?

          In any case, that one, truce? I didnt know we was at wars, but I’d like to get to know the people in your neighborhood.

    • I deserve downvotes for recapitulating Gabe’s basic premise from the piece (thereby indicating I flipped my lid at the first paragraph and stopped reading in amazement)

  16. Gwyneth’s advice boils down to:

    Always
    Be
    Sleeping.

  17. FUCK that. I never SLEEP.

  18. “Really? Really, you pompous clown? You skeletal imbecile?”
    I think you could use some tips from her, Gabe, you seem a little grumpy.

  19. Sleeping is so “in” right now.

  20. “Basically everyone I know is peckish, me included. But I didn’t imagine that there could be health problems associated with not eating enough. I recently read a book called “ The Secret Language of Eating Disorders: How You Can Understand and Work to Cure Anorexia and Bulimia” by Peggy Claude-Pierre, which talks about the negative cumulative effects of not eating (fatigue,malnourishment, etc.) I asked one of my doctors, Frank Lipman, for his opinion on the subject and the result is the fascinating piece below, followed by some suggestions on ways to eat more.

    Let’s eat more than carrot sticks, people.

    Love,

    Gwyneth”

  21. I wonder what Chris Martin found so appealing about her.

  22. Gabe, if you weren’t so randy and ravishing your bird every night, she wouldn’t be so knackered.

    Cheerio!

  23. One time my roommate suggested that we do Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP detox (http://goop.com/newsletter/15/) and I was like, “WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH YOU!?” No dairy, no meat, no processed foods, no condiments, no alcohol, caffeine, or soda? Uh, that’s all I live on dude– Krystal, diet coke, beer, and Cheez-Its. I don’t know who she thinks she’s been living with for the past two years…

  24. “which talks about the negative cumulative effects of sleep deprivation (aging, hormonal imbalances, etc.)”

    So, if I keep sleeping, I won’t age? Awesome, never waking up again. Thanks, GOOP!

  25. Dayumn, someone just downvoted MY FACE

  26. Btdubs, if Gwyneth was really British her letter would have said:

    “Awright geeezzaa! Everyone I know is knackered, ‘cludin’ me. Get a good kip, people. Blimey!

    Gawdon Bennet,
    - Gwyneth. Sorted Mate.”

    RIGHT?

  27. Sleep is for the weak you bourgeois pig.

  28. Real Talk: There is nothing more infuriating to a certified (rather certifiable, amirite guise?) insomniac than a healthy sleeper complaining about lack of sleep, or when they try to tell you the great way that helps them fall asleep that will cure all your problems. Rearrange your room! Did it. No alarm clock! Fired. DRUGS! Ugh, try again. Excersize! Don’t patronize me. No caffiene after 5pm! It’s that simple!?

    So, you are saying it will make me fat, tired, ugly, and unpleasent? HA! Living the dream. I am a day-walker.

  29. i’m surprised she didn’t call her doctor a boobooman

  30. We all know that a boobooman is called a lorry in England.

    Chim-chim-cheroo

  31. “Knackered” aside, she also spelled “scent” wrong. As in, the “sent” of lavender. As in, “I was sent from heaven, and if your sheets are made of jersey, I’m not taking you back with me.” Gross.

  32. the poor girl is just trying to shake that “perfect” label by playing dumb. she learned about sleep years ago while attending coldplay concerts.

  33. Oh man, you guys, I just woke up from six hours of sleep, and apart from the horrifying nightmare where my brother was hunting me through the woods while I was trying to decide which mistress to give up, I feel TONS BETS. Maybe Gwen-Gwen (her British name, spoken once, by Merlin, into the ear of his pet owl) is really on to something!
    Also I hope no-one deletes the comment above mine because I also want a lover 9 yeard older than me.

  34. Whenever I read the many (deserved) criticisms of Goop, I get a mental picture of Chris Martin holding Gwyneth Paltrow while she cries after discovering that not everyone likes her site, while Chris Martin rolls his eyes and thinks to himself “I should have TOLD her that this was a bad idea…”

  35. I’m quite pleased that every time I consult me mate Gwynnie for some advice about me health she is able to take it to a “weight loss” place. Just last year she twice suggested diets involving my eye infection and broken leg, after I fell down the ol’ apples and pears (i.e., what a shock that a book she is reading about sleep promotes weight loss).

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