It was actually with some anticipation that I watched this week’s nominee. Know your enemy! At the very least, I feel like I have made more than my fair share of Wild Hogs jokes over the past couple of years, and it felt like it was time to earn those jokes by paying the price of actually seeing the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I could have made Wild Hogs jokes for my entire life without ever seeing it. Because while it is true that you can’t form any kind of meaningful or insightful criticism of a thing without experiencing it for yourself, it is also true that when it comes to terrible movies you can make a PRETTY EDUCATED GUESS. For example, you don’t have to actually see Paul Blart Mall Cop to say that movie is a tired fart on a lukewarm day (huh?). But if you do go to the trouble of seeing it, then the fart jokes will be that much sweeter (yuck).

THEN AGAIN, maybe you really do need to experience something for yourself, even just to make poorly thought out fart jokes about it, because I have to admit that I was blown away by Wild Hogs. Oh, it was terrible. It is definitely one of the Top Five Worst Movies of All Time. Probably #2. But it is also unlike any movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

So, the “Wild Hogs” are a group of middle-aged men, Doug (Tim Allen), Woody (John Travolta), Bobby (Martin Lawrence), and Dudley (William H. Macy) who live in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are just REGULAR GUYS, like YOU OR ME. They are all at different levels of success in their lives, but the one thing that they have in common is their TRUE friendship, and their love of fist bumps.

We are introduced to each of the characters pretty quickly. Doug (Allen) is a dentist who is having trouble relating to his son, and is watching his cholesterol. Oh man, don’t you guys hate watching your cholesterol? It’s the worst. The only thing worse than watching your cholesterol is relating to your son. Ugh, and don’t even get me started on disgusting grapefruit.

Yuck. Oh to be young again, and eating like a disgusting barnyard animal. That was the life! (Foreshadowing to theme of the movie.) Meanwhile, there is Dudley (Macy), who has terrible luck with women and is a super klutz. He also must be very rich, although that is never stated outwardly (show don’t tell!), because he crashes his motorcycle every time he turns it on (that’s what you do with a motorcycle, right? Turn it on? Got it) and those things are expensive to repair, probably.

The only thing that Dudley loves more than getting his ruined motorcycle fixed is computers. I guess? I mean, he gets the Macintosh Computers logo from 1987 tattooed on his arm:

The first time we meet him, he is trying to pick up a woman at a coffee shop (adults!) by pretending to be very knowledgeable around a computer, but boy oh boy does it go wrong! First of all, he refers to his computer as a “Mac” even though it is clearly a PC, no nerdo, and then everything else that happens is also just a thing that does not happen.

Oh Dudley! Oh normal computers! So flammable!

Next, let’s meet Bobby (Lawrence). We first encounter him in his office, working on something that I am sure is very important (it’s Martin Lawrence, guys!). He must be a lawyer, just look at all those law books casually displayed behind him almost as an afterthought, they’re just so natural looking there.

Then his wife is like “we had an agreement and it’s time for you to get back to work” (the experiment was for Bobby to take a year off and fulfill his lifelong dream of writing a “How To” book, because that is definitely a real lifelong dream that people with families take huge risks to make true for sure), she adds that she already called “the firm” and they are waiting for him to get back to work. Oh, he is definitely a lawyer then. A firm is where a lawyer works!

WHUUUUUUUUUUUUT?! He is a plumber and the plumbing company where he works is called The Firm! A CLASSIC MISUNDERSTANDING INVOLVING A CHARACTER ACTOR THAT ALMOST ALWAYS PLAYS LAWYERS, THAT IS WHY IT WAS SO CONVINCING. And no wonder Bobby hates his life! He’s a plumber, and plumbers have to deal with POOP. (Seriously, that is basically what this movie suggests. That Bobby is miserable because of how plumbers are just poop cleaner-uppers.)

And finally there is Woody (Travolta). His friends don’t know it yet, but Woody is broke, and he is going through a divorce from his supermodel/actress wife. We never see her, but we definitely know she is real because why else would Woody have these pictures of her in his mansion?

No, she’s definitely real. Besides, everyone knows that most of the world’s famous supermodels/actresses live in Cincinnati, Ohio, because it’s just like any other profession: you have to be where the work is. Anyway, Woody is definitely going through a mid-life crisis (see: flame-bandana) now that his very realistic and normal world is falling apart. And sure, he loves riding his motorcycle around with his motorcycle gang to the local bar where the cast of Orange County Choppers hang out (much like models, they also love Cincinnati, and try to hang out there whenever they can, which is always).

But Woody wants some excitement in his life! He also probably wants to escape from the tatters of his marriage and…does he even have a job? It is so hard to tell with two-dimensional, thinly-drawn caricatures sometimes. The rest of the “gang” would love to go on a road trip with Woody, but they are all too married and too middle-aged to really be FREE. At least for the next five minutes. But then pretty quickly it turns out that they can go. Oh great. And so the rest of the movie is their adventures as a Real Bike Gang out on the Open Road having Adventures and being men. They learn a lot about themselves and each other, and they also learn a lot about completely ignoring their families. Because after the first few minutes, we do not hear any more about their wives and children. OH WHAT A DREAM COME TRUE, TO GET AWAY FROM THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES.

That is the thing that you need to understand about the world of Wild Hogs: it is a world in which wives are impossible nags…

…children are screaming shitheads…

and men never get to do anything that they want.

Like eat a whole stick of butter?

The only thing I liked better about that clip than the “jokes” and the tremendous acting was the totally cool and appropriate background music, that was simultaneously dramatically appropriate, original, and set at the right volume. And the only thing that I liked better than the music was the clip’s suggestion that eating a healthy diet in order to prevent against heart disease, and not screaming at your children in a self-absorbed melt-down are both for dorks. LET’S YELL AT EVERYONE AND DRINK GRAVY FROM A TUREEN LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT, BECAUSE WE ARE MEN, AND IF WE DO END UP HAVING SOME KIND OF HEART ATTACK FROM IT, AT LEAST DR. DREW WILL TAKE CARE OF US!

“Hey, that the guy what who I seen on the TV and now he be is in my movie!” — Wild Hogs audience member

OK, so here is the amazing thing about Wild Hogs (sorry to have buried the lede so deeply): while it is purportedly a movie about middle aged men for middle aged men about the frustrations of aging and the desire to remain vibrant and vital and virile even as one enters a more mature phase of family and work and responsibility, this is actually a movie for children. Literally. And if this is what middle-aged men want, then middle-aged men need to GROW THE FUCK UP. To give you a sense of what I mean, William H. Macy eventually falls in love with Marisa Tomei, and the relationship develops like a Jr. High crush. There is no mention, reference, or allusion to sex. William H. Macy tells his friends that he “really likes” her. And then there is shit like this:

Uh.

The “comedy” is slapstick, and the plot is cartoonish. The dramatic climax of the movie literally involves saving a town from a mean biker gang, which falls to the Wild Hogs because the Sheriff is hiding inside! You know how Sheriffs are. So skittish!

Classic Sheriff!

While the movie was a G-rated romp for tiny babies, it did take one dark turn into adult territory, and that was with its homophobic jokes! Yay! Finally, something JUST FOR THE GROWN UPS. Don’t you guys hate when you finally cut loose from your terrible family that you hate and get out there on the open road, only to run into some disgusting faggot?

HAHHHAHAHAH, WE ALL HATE THEM! GET AWAY FROM US, YOU FAGGOT!

Very adult. Very mid-life. Very crisis.

The movie was #1 its opening weekend, making triple what David Fincher’s Zodiac made that same weekend, and eventually pulling in almost $253 million in worldwide ticket sales. Yikes. So clearly someone wants this. Lots of people in fact. I’m guessing 7-year-olds with high blood pressure who hate their boss?

Everything about the movie is terrible across the board, with the sole exception of William H. Macy, who gets so many points for seriously just committing to this nightmare and really selling his character. Oh, it was a terrible character, but William H. Macy did the best he could, which is usually pretty good, so whatever. I hope that he is enjoying his new pool house, or whatever. John Travolta, on the other hand, seriously just committed to turning in the worst performance I have ever seen in my life, and really selling his face down the river. He clearly seems to think that “acting” in a “comedy” means “lots of funny faces,” lots of “yelling,” and lots of “hand gestures.” You know, comedy.

Like, what on Earth kind of human emotion is this supposed to convey?

Hilarious! Or this?

At least when it comes to dancing, he’s still got it!

What a good actor. What a good comedy.

Wild Hogs is awful, one of the very worst, and yet it is unlike anything that I have ever seen. I recommend it to anyone who is interested in anthropology. Lord knows, it is going to serve the mecha-hoverscientists very well in the future when they are trying to map out who we were before it all went poof! (“Good riddance” — mecha-hoverscientists.)

Next week: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (139)
  1. I’ve not read this yet but can I just say


    I have been waiting for this day for so long.

  2. You are not the chosen one

  3. Definitely not as interesting as Wild Abed Vampires.

  4. Two things. First off, is that a bald Keamy covered in ketchup? Second, I was once involved in a bet called “The Challange Challange.” My friends and I paid a guy to eat an entire stick of Challange butter. This was, of course, in college.

  5. I don’t know if Gael Garica Bernal qualifies as an A-lister, but Dot The I is a horrible movie.

  6. I agree with Stanley Tucci’s assessment of this movie.

  7. Whoa! That is Keamy. And Mr Friendly!! The Sideways Timeline is about to get CRAZY

  8. Yes, finally! You’ve just made my day.

    I so wish that SAMCRO would murder these guys, because they are the worst motorcycle gang ever.

  9. I nominate the 82nd Academy Awards

  10. Wild Hogs would truly be the wmoat if Nicolas Cage were in it…..I can imagine it now! No sleep for me tonight.

  11. I can’t believe Tom Cruise wasn’t a part of this because of, you know, the homophobia.

    And I will still keep suggesting Valentine’s Day for the Hunt. It gives love and relationships the Wild Hogs treatment.

  12. Days ago, I decided that the era of Angry Cyclops Me was over, and a new icon would dawn, which I picked out back then and planned to unveil here, at Wild Hogs. You have no idea — no idea — how pleased I am that my new icon is actually RELEVANT TO WILD HOGS. The cosmos are just aligned sometimes!

    Incidentally, this review made me want to leave the planet, and live on a different planet where Wild Hogs was never the #1 movie, maybe the planet from Avatar as soon as we tame it, or maybe just Pluto, which isn’t even a planet anymore, but fuck it, ya know? Wild Hogs.

  13. So you’re telling me that all this time I’ve been spelling “Dr Cox” wrong…

    • Awful pun aside* this is a horrible movie, and it makes me cringe not just because of the badness of the “jokes” but because $253 million worth of people actually laugh at them.
      *Please ignore the awful pun and please do not mis-interpret it as having any homophobic nature behind it. I am not Wild Hogs.

  14. OH
    [URL=http://www.gifsoup.com/view/210908/javolta.html][IMG]http://www.gifsoup.com/imager.php?id=210908[/IMG][/URL] [URL=http://www.gifsoup.com/]GIFSoup[/URL]

  15. Hey monSTARS (anyone remember Spacejam? Love) I’m going to be auditioning for an orchestra in Chicago (yay America!) so I’m not going to have an Internet connection for about 13 days, incase anyone was going to wonder why A Pepper Ann icon wasn’t invading your screen in the comment box. So yes, bye monsters!

  16. It doesn’t feel like a WMOAT party without Werttrew offering a passionate plea stating Amelia’s merits, or lack there of

    Also I’d like to nominate Sunshine Cleaning for being the worst

  17. I had no idea GrannyLove was a non-profit. This seems like a worthy cause for which I should donate my time/money!

  18. “Next week: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” Will you have enough time??
    That movie just never ends.
    I saw it the day it came out.
    Worst Christmas ever.

  19. Bride Wars please. Terrible…simply terrible.

    • Hey it’s totally normal to come to the conclusion that your boyfriend is a jerk after fighting with your best friend

  20. “The movie was #1 its opening weekend, making triple what David Fincher’s Zodiac made that same weekend, and eventually pulling in almost $253 million in worldwide ticket sales. Yikes.”

    “Next week: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”

  21. I know this movie is demographically retarded in terms of its target audience, but it definately nailed the “children who saw The Cooler and loved William H. Macy so naturally they want to see anything with him in it” group.

  22. Is there a difference between this film and Old Dogs? Because I was initially wondering why you were breaking the rules and doing a Robin Williams movie then when he wasn’t mentioned in the review I got even more confused. Screw it, I’m going to eat a stick of butter.

  23. Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
    This is the point in my weekly harangue/petition that I say “the following gif serves well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film.” But not this week. This gif does NOT serve well as a metaphor for my viewing experience of this film. Why? Because this baby isn’t “like” someone watching the film, this baby IS ACTUALLY WATCHING SIX SECONDS OF THE FILM:


    I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
    PS: It’s not just me who knows this film stinks! Please consider the thoughts of one LINDSAY ROBERTSON: http://lindsayrobertson.tumblr.com/post/223120460/my-special-thoughts-about-amelia

  24. Once again, I nominate Marie Antoinette for WMOAT. 40-minute montage of Kirsten Dunst! When you watch it, you just can’t believe it’s happening. But then it is, and it’s TERRIBLE.

  25. I’d like to recommend Swordfish. I just saw it again on tv and was reminded how terrible it is. “Crack this computer code while this lady gives you a blow job! Because you never know what the situation will be in in the future.” –John Travolta’s character

    • Carefu,l or you’re going to get Travolta movies banned. …i mean, Good! All Travolta movies are terrible! Especially the one with the surprise suicide that I always forget about. Is the answer Battefield Earth? and the guy who jumped off the bridge me?

      Someone tried to tell me he won an Oscar, but don’t worry, I punched that liar in her face.

  26. Have the dudes in charge of Orange County Choppers had matching father-son plastic surgery? Or are their faces naturally that uncomfortably-looking?

  27. Again I nominate The Prime Gig starring Vince Vaughn. A serious movie about high stakes telemarketing that doesn’t really end, the credits just appear and you don’t know whether to be pissed off at the terrible ending or happy that the movie is over and you can go back to living your life.

  28. So, in the scene where Wm H Macy hits on the lady whose hair is based on the the girl who crawled out of the TV in The Ring and who is sitting under a mural that seems to be of corpses necking, here’s my issue: Mac or PC, that computer looks like a sandwich press. Why is it so square? And why’s the internets acting like this is The Net (1995, starring Oscar-winner Sandra Bullock)? Surely in 2007 there was enough familiarity with computers that the director did not say, “This is close enough. No one will know.” Right? So he DECIDED he wanted a look completely at odds with reality? To signal to the audience that this movie has NOTHING to do with real life? Or that he just completely did not care? The computer is an unpsetting synecdoche for how much this movie is the worst. (I am sure I am using synecdoche incorrectly. I am a synecdouche.)

  29. God I love this website.


  30. Now That’s a Wild Hog!!!

  31. Goddamn it. That scene with eating butter had me gagging so hard I almost puked in my lap. Thanks Wild Hogs.

  32. Sorry, but I am still reeling. This movie is so much worse than expected. I thought it was gonna be the kind of thing where, if they made it in 1985 with Bill Murray’s brother, and Hightower, and a villain played by John Larroquette, then fine, and the problem was gonna be that here they made that exact movie with a zillion dollars’ worth of movie stars, so, oof — that’s what I expected. But this is So. Much. Worse. Not even Bill Murray’s brother’s 1985 charm could make it watchable.

    Nell. Nothing But Trouble. Drop Dead Fred.

  33. Is it a joke that Dr Drew has a really bad toupee?

  34. “LOL THERE’S 69 COMMENTS RIGHT NOW”

    The movie Wild Hogs is ghostwriting my comments now, sorry.

  35. so yesterday my cable provider got in a fight with abc and to make up for the lack of riveting oscars coverage, they were giving out free on demand movies. at first i thought “i should watch a serious man, or good hair or something” but then i found my self strangely drawn to all about steve. don’t worry though. i didn’t make that mistake. instead, i watched post grad, which i officially nominate for wmoat.

    just a quick summary. post grad is about a total asshole whose sense of entitlement is crushing. she has this totally retarded friend who is in love with her and is a musician. he’s in love with her because he asks her out every five minutes but she still doesn’t realize it? and he’s a musician because has a a guitar in his hands at all times. this must make it difficult for him to masturbate to the thought of that asshole treating him badly. this movie also misuses every cameo actor. especially jane lynch, who plays the mother, although she may as well not, because she just drives a station wagon around the whole movie and does nothing else.

    also, this movie is supposed to be about the struggle to find employment and a sense of self as a millennial. it takes place over the course of maybe 3 months. everyone she goes to college with has new jobs, but they still have college parties in july, with all their old college pals. someone else gets the job she wants, but dont worry, that girl gets fired after 2 weeks. ok great! dream job! you deserve it, entitled asshole! but then SHE quits after two weeks because she realizes money isnt everything. cool, im glad you struggled to find yourself for 3 weeks, then were handed what you wanted. loved it for another 2 weeks, and dropped it to pursue the attention of somebody you obviously never cared about.

    this is getting long. im just gonna cut it off at that.

    • as a special enticement for gabe, i looked it up, and the stupid idiot friend zone guy is also on friday night lights.

      • His name is Zach *cough the adorable cough* Gilford.

      • i just looked it up on IMDB. As a rule of thumb, I try to resist any movie that has a character moving back in with his or her “eccentric” family. In movie-talk “eccentric” is usually code for “poorly written, one dimensional”

        • That Brazilian dude writes the best plot summaries. Here’s my favorite line:

          “Ryden feels attracted by the handsome Brazilian and has a brief affair with him, forgetting Adam that decides to move to New York to study in the law school of Columbia.”

    • Why did you pick that I feel bad for that time that you won’t get back

  36. If this is what getting older is all about, then I’m going to invest in some serious Logan’s Run-type technology and explode my own head before I get any closer to that Wild Hogian middle age of terrible jokes and botoxed celebrity faces.

  37. Gabe is totally missing the point. This movie is about MAGIC! Like, when Martin Lawrence sprays ketchup on a biker it becomes mustard (and vice versa). Eat it, Mind Freak!

  38. I’m getting my MS in mecha-hoverscientology. Here’s the title of my thesis: “3D Hover-sweatshops. Societal Burden or Blessing?”

  39. Some oldies, but amazingly bad (good) nominees.

    Marci X – IMDB – A Jewish-American Princess (Lisa Kudrow) is forced to take control of a hard-core hip-hop record label and tries to rein the one of the label’s most controversial rappers (Damon Wayans).

    Also, an appearance by Shue:

    Never forget.

    The Last Run – IMDB – When a young accountant (Fred Savage) is devastated after discovering his inspiringly beautiful girlfriend is cheating on him, his best friend (Steven Pasquale), who’s engaged to a girl (Amy Adams) he doesn’t love, convinces him to go on a “run” and sleep with as many women as he can to get over his heart break.

    And, oh yeah, Fred Savage becomes a sex addict:

  40. When this movie came out I was still in high school and I remember one of my friends saying, “It was so funny.” I’m really glad I didn’t trust her and decided not to watch this movie. Fast forward to present day, Oscar nominated classics like Jennifer’s Body and Nick and Norah’s Inifinite Playlist are her favorite movies.

  41. I was going to nerd rage a bit about the computer that Macy is using, but ill just point out a couple things. There are no media drives whatsoever, he has some crazy advanced voice recognition modules and an oscilloscope(why?), but no microphone (none built in and no inputs), and there is no place to plug in a power supply.

    They custom built this piece of crap at probably great cost to make it look completely generic, and then specifically called out what brand it is. It seems like a great computer to look up pictures of tatters, though.

  42. In honor (honor!) of Sandra Bullock, winner of the Best Actress Of ALL TIME, I humbly submit the film Premonition for your consideration.

  43. I don’t know if they’ve been recommended for The Hunt but I’d formally like to submit both Mission to Mars and Antitrust for consideration.

  44. So basically Wild Hogs 3 could never be made, because Tim Allen’s character, after years of cyclical binging and then watching what he ate, would die at 50, alone and without friends or family, driven away by his selfish, dismissive nature.

  45. Lost reference! …?

  46. I really look forward to reading this but first I must
    *bangs saucepan on head repeatedly*
    nominate Terminator: Salvation. If you’ve seen it, please second me!
    *stops banging head. Waits. Coughs. Wipes hair from eye. *

  47. cincinnati. i know they both look wrong, but it took me years to spell it right after i moved there.

  48. I nominate “Love Happens” starring Two-Face from the most recent Batman and Jennifer Aniston. Terrible movie. Was forced to pass the time watching it in an airplane.

  49. Is it too late to suggest Overboard for WMOAT?

    I mean, it’s a romantic comedy about a guy who forces a rich woman with amnesia into indentured servitude. And then when she finds out, she likes it. Yikes.


  50. The all new “Lord of the Dance: River Danson” starring Ted Danson.

  51. Please. Monsters. Nominate TERMINATOR: SALVATION. I have no hate at all for the franchise or genre. But I paid cash to view this ‘movie’.
    if you have also seen this work, you can’t ignore it’s eligibility / suitability / Inability / Sillybillyty.
    Please second me.

  52. This is a movie my mother, who holds several advanced degrees, LOVES. In the future time of 2040, maybe I’ll think Seth Rogan and Cillian Murphy’s “Fart RV ” is really good too.

  53. Nominated: Disclosure. Demi Moore plays an android housewife who falls in love with Michael Douglas’ chindimple; hijinks ensue. Not really. The real thing is worse.

  54. Wild Hogs freakin’ ROCKS!! Looking forward to seeing WH2 when it hits the screen, that oughta be cool. It’s even cooler to me, cuz’ I’m the proud owner of a Harley as well. Get out and ride!!

  55. Two things have always grossed me out beyond all measure: parasites and the thought of eating butter by itself. That clip sent me over the edge. Goodbye, everyone.

  56. You know you have to do Old Dogs now. It is eleventy-billion times worse then Wild Hogs.

  57. I haven’t even seen Old Dogs, and I agree with PJ. The trailer was enough.
    Also, I just watched on TV a karaoke scene and a few subsequent scenes of PS I Love You, and that was pretty terrible…

  58. I think this movie does not qualify per the rules of the hunt. I mean c’mon this is like shooting fish in a barrel.

  59. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Fact.

  60. I was halfway through reading this when my girlfriend knocked on my door and dumped me. GREAT.

  61. In some absurd way, I actually liked this movie. Probably because of my expectations. But, as the review said, some of the actors really went for it, and those performances were entertaining as hell.

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