It was already pretty clear last week that Kevin Smith needed to shut up. His on-going fight with Southwest Airlines was insufferable. It was bad enough that a millionaire with every means at his disposal to maintain a healthy lifestyle was portraying himself as Joe Everyman because a corporation that deals with millions of people on a daily basis hurt his feelings. I mean, I’m no fan of The Man, and I’m not saying that Southwest Airlines’s corporate policy is correct or even necessarily respectful. But I am also not a fan of egomaniacal rich kids who pretend that their personal pride is a matter of grave national importance.

But that is all behind us now. Because now we have a whole new reason why Kevin Smith needs to shut up. His new movie, Cop Out, is in theaters tomorrow, and so it is getting reviewed by newspapers and magazines and other outlets that do that kind of thing. One such magazine is Entertainment Weekly, which gave the film a “C-”. Fair enough! That is definitely one of the possible ratings on their scale from A+ to F. Consider yourself taken to Criticism School, or whatever, Kevin Smith.

Except that Kevin Smith doesn’t consider himself taken to Criticism School, and he doesn’t just roll with the punches and hope for some more positive reviews in other outlets as any arguably very-successful Hollywood movie director with any shred of self-respect would do. Instead, he logged into the Entertainment Weekly website, and he COMMENTED on the review. ATTENTION CITIZENS OF CRYBABY TOWN, PLEASE GET READY TO MEET YOUR NEW MAYOR!

Kevin Smith’s impossibly petulant and whiny defensive comments after the jump:

What is amazing is that the critic actually talked about how he usually likes Kevin Smith movies, but how he didn’t like this one? But according to Kevin Smith, a “REAL critic” is just anyone who gives Cop Out a positive review. Good comment, Kevin Smith, very critical.

This is more embarrassing than what Kevin Smith, a GROWN MAN, wore to the Superbad premiere. Shut up, Kevin Smith. No duh. (Thanks for the tip, Mike.)

Comments (102)
  1. OWEN!!!!!!! seriously, RELAX!!!!! it’s just a movie!!!!!!!!!!! RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THAT IMPORTANT DUDE!!!!!!!!!! RE-FUCKING-LAX!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!! RELAAAX!!!

    • also, this might be the most favorable review of “Cop Out,” I’ve read thus far.

    • This begs for a “Relax, technojeremy” (for the old-schoolers) but with techno-Kevin Smith instead, obviously (yes user “Noam Noam Noam” already did it below Great Job!BTW). And speaking of OBVY, I haven’t been around lately because I got this like, “real job” where I have to work 40 HOURS A WEEK and HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS DO THAT, CHRIST. It sucks. Also the new site layout is blowing my mind.

      I accidentally brought up the videogum webpage site in front of my new boss yesterday when I was trying to demonstrate some shit on my laptop, so I can’t say anything anymore under “Angelaaaa”. Forced-change of avatar/username, I’m going back to “chipmunkfart”. SARS was so 2000′s, anyway.

  2. I’m surprised he didn’t blame it on the rest of the band. He was just filling in, you guys.

  3. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he called the reviewer a Nazi, or that he used the expression “my flick.” Probably the latter.

    • I mean, to be fair, Owen probably is Jopeph Goebbels. “Movie critic” just seems like a logical next-step for that guy, career-wise.

    • Seriously, calling something a “flick” is not the way to get me to watch it. Whatever he is flicking, I do not want to see it.

      Ugh, now I can’t finish my lunch.

  4. Not once, but four times?

    Geeeeeeeeeezzzzz

    Oh, and not to be Stanley Factchecker over here, but how do we know this was actually kevin smith and not just some guy logged pretending to be him?

    Er, anyways,
    Kevin Smith should probably lighten up, toke up, get laid, let out some steam…

    • Agreed. Especially when this is the post right after him:

      Jon Wed 2/24/10 04:37 PM

      Completely off-topic, but can someone explain to me why you can ramble on for pages and pages on this site if you’re commenting on a blog post or news story, but you’re limited to 500 characters if it’s a review? What the f— is the difference?

      Read replies (1) Add reply View pro

      But isn’t it so much more fun to assume it is him? This is the dude who made 24 VIDEOS about the Southwest thing after all…

    • If it’s not really him it’s the most brilliant example fan fiction ever. The voice is beyond spot-on.

    • Of the Rhode Island Factcheckers?

    • It’s rambling, choppy and self-indulgent. It’s him alright.

  5. At least he knows proper etiquette for arguing in internet comment sections: skip right over formalities like making logical points and jump straight to personal attacks that have no bearing on the actual topic being discussed. “Oh yeah Owen, well how about you review my wife’s taint!”; well done Kevin, you don’t have nearly enough free time.

  6. A Couple of Dicks.

  7. Good use of slandering? And vitoral? And mega-uncool? Kevin Smith really connects with his audience.

  8. If only Kevin Smith had gotten Tracy Morgan to write his rebuttals for him, these would’ve at least been fun to read.

  9. It seems his rage was so large it had to buy 3 extra posts.

  10. With this recent outburst at Critic Owen, K-fed-up has added another of the plethora of things he shares in common with K-fed. Stay fed you two.

    Jorts are never an answer.

  11. I’m surprised Kevin Smith can even type with those fat fingers because he’s a FATTY BOOM BOOM! HEY FATTY BOOM BOOM! GO CRY TO YOUR MOMMY!

  12. This whole thing just made me unreasonably angry. Someone close to him needs to sit him down and just point in his face and say, “STOP!” Just … stop. Or, alternately, “THAT IS A BAD IDEA AND YOU SHOULD NOT DO IT.” After watching Zach and Miri Make a Porno I and the people surrounding me decided that Kevin Smith does not have enough people around him telling him the truth about what he is trying to do. Like that he has bad ideas and then executes them poorly and then is a totally lame baby when it gets fairly criticized. So, anyway, rambling aside, fuck it. I am no longer going to see any Kevin Smith movies until someone makes a version of Cop Out that has all the non-Tracy Morgan parts edited out.

  13. From the Youtube trailer of CopOut:
    .
    Sk8tr89: Dood, Kevin smith is totally Gay, hiz moovies are all thu same. Yoo should see a reel good flik like shuter iland.
    .
    Dreemgurl91: Y duz that guy hav thu saem ppl in all his moovies, GET MORE FRIENDS, I have like 1000 ppl in my iphone.
    .
    JonasFan4lyfe90: Yall r totally stoopid, you dont get the KS is super deep, havnt u seen DOGMA?
    .
    Kevin_Smith: Man, I’ve seen some intense hate-Rhetoric against my flicks, all stemming from some subtle ‘you-can’t-make-movies-for-16-year-olds-anymore’ unless you’re Michael Bay doing his interpretation of toys form the 80′s. But reading Sk8tr89′s review of my flick far exceeds any vitoral I’ve experiences in the past. It makes me wonder if Goebbels had really died in the bunker, or if he’d ducked out, came to the states and started commenting on youtube videos.

  14. Wait, what did someone do to this guy’s dog?

  15. The real Goebbels would have given Twilight at least an A-. Get a clue, Kevin Smith.

  16. Vitoral isn’t a word. Criticize that, Kevin Misth!

    Anyway I can’t wait for his 24-part youtube series on why this EW review is horrible. Don’t forget to donate to Haiti though, guys.

  17. off topic, but he owns a comic book store near my house and the people in there are such dicks. it is crazzzy. well not that crazy. i mean it is easily imaginable that comic book store employees would be horrible. but it’s annoying and they treated me badly the two times i went there before deciding supporting local businesses full of jerks was not worth it. sorry about being a girl who asked you where things were located, comic book guys.

    • I went into a comic book store once and the guy gave me a bunch of free comics because it was art he loved and he wanted to share it.

      That was a pretty cool comic book store employee!

      • I had a similar experience at my comic book store on my first visit. I was just getting into graphic novels and the clerk spent an hour showing me around and making suggestions. I’d never go anywhere else now.

    • Hey, Red Bank, NJ…

      …(apparently) my name is Creepy…

      • I guess I’m a creepy too. Several times I have walked by that store and briefly thought about going in and decided against it, this would have been back in the Dogma/Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back era. Even then I had a feeling it would be a bad idea.

    • This is just a shame because I feel like every other local comic book store I’ve ever been in has been super helpful! They’re usually slow enough that they can take their time and help you out and most of the staff is nerdy and knowledgeable to be able to actually give good advice. You should consider relocating.

      • to be honest, i have had similar experiences in other shops. one time, in a shop in philadelphia, someone was really helpful. it was jarring.

        • Philadelphia is, afterall, the City of Brotherly (and sisterly) Love…and murders. Mostly murder actually.

        • i’m always terrified of going into comic book shops because i’m just getting into graphic novels and i assume that the comic guys will be mean to me for being a girl who doesn’t know much about comics. and that is why i shop online.

    • They were probably confused because they’ve never talked to an actual woman before (other than their mothers, who they still live with).

  18. I am inclined to believe that these posts were not Kevin Smith. The real Kevin Smith, upon seeing a bad review of his brilliant cinematic achievement, would have smashed his computer with a large rock, slathered it in mayonnaise and then eaten it.

  19. Are those JNCO jorts?!? Jncorts? Amazing.

  20. Wouldn’t wanting everyone to have the same opinion as you make you the nazi Kevin Smith

  21. i eagerly await the joint twihard/avatard boycott of cop out.

  22. “Relax Techno-Misth!”

  23. kevin smith wasn’t even supposed to be here today!!

  24. C’mon, guys! Cut him some slack! It’s not like he ever made a whole movie dedicated to the premise that writing lazy, ad hominem attacks on Internet message boards is a horrible thing for people to do, and should be punished by an in-person beatdown administered by the subject of the comments.

    Except for the one.

  25. Considering this film’s at 13% on Rottentomatoes, and he put this much time into one review, Mr. Smith’s got a lot of Nazi-calling whining work to catch-up on this weekend.

  26. EW gave Valentines Day an F and Topher Grace took it like a champ.

  27. On the one hand, I reacted similarly when the school paper gave my play a bad review. On the other hand, I was 12 at the time, and probably also covering my Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper with stylized renditions of “Mrs. Billy Corgan.” I have since gained some amount of dignity (I have not gained any dignity. But I still know how to not act like a twelve year old. Burn, Kevin Smith! BUUUUURN!).

  28. Can we just ignore it? It may not actually go away but if we all try really hard to ignore it we can pretend it doesn’t exist and never have to stare down the barrel of the jean shorts again.

    • How can be know to ignore it if we don’t constantly have calls for him to shut up, which include making sure that everyone that had no idea what he was saying would be able to see/hear it.

  29. Are we sure this is actually Kevin Smith? He uses the wrong form of “you’re/your” and there are a bunch of typos. Say what you will about the man, but he is a better writer than that.

  30. Him using “Geezus” reminds me of my Mormon friends who use “Cheese & crackers” as a non-blasphemous placeholder (true story). Keep it real, Kev!

    • Also according to RottenTomatoes, the REAL critics of actually gets-it are someone named Bill Goodykootnz of the Arizona Republic, David Thomas from the popular movie critic website MovieCritic.com and Brian Orndorf writing for the well-respected critical outlet BrianOrdorf.com. Hacks who don’t get it include every single movie critic you’ve actually heard of.

    • “cheese and rice,” no?

    • Wow, I didn’t realize Mormons and DJ Diplo had so much in common.

      diplo:
      Tuff crackaz and cheese @ tuff gong (tweeted at 7pm)

  31. Did Kevin Smith direct the film “Cop Out”?

  32. Kevin Smith, you didn’t get into this business to please film critic Owen Gleiberman. Onward and upward, onward and upward… why do I hear a shower running in the distance?

  33. The Kevin Smith reasonable human being attention machine is hard at work once again.

  34. If Goebbels were writing for EW, he’d by editing the Pop Culture Bullseye in the back. And Roberto Begnini would be in the far corner every week.

  35. Hopefully no one teaches Mel Gibson how to use the internet.

  36. It’s not FOR you.

  37. Kevin Smith doesn’t think Up In the Air was good?

    As if I didn’t dislike him enough already.

  38. Ugh. I couldn’t manage more than a shrug in response to the whole Southwest debacle, but the “it’s just a movie” response to a critical review actually makes me angry. A critic’s job is to be critical. If he weren’t he would be a bad critic. Your job is to make a good movie and/or shut up. SHUT UP.

  39. I was going to posit that when Kevin Smith became famous, he decided to stop developing as a human being, but then I looked it up and he wasn’t in MY GIRL when he was 7 or anything. If he had developed as a normal person to age 24 and then became famous, that means he’s actually aging backwards, like Benjamin Button.

  40. I hate living in Crybaby Town, and Kevin Smith is a lousy Mayor. Fix the p(l)otholes, already! (sorry)

  41. The sad part of this is that Owen Gleiberman really does suck…

  42. The consensus is in: “Cop Out” is so overstuffed it couldn’t even fly on a plane.

  43. It took him 44 minutes to write that shit. No wonder Clerks 2 took twelve years.

  44. Did he steal those nifty culottes from my grandma’s closet?

  45. I personally don’t understand all the vitoral because after a morning of dog *****ing, I decided to let off some steam by watching Cop Out and thought that MAYBE it is JUST the best A MOVIE of all time!!!

  46. Can we make a rule that those who don’t know the difference or don’t take the time to distinguish between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ aren’t allowed to hate on professional writers?
    ‘Ur’ is still ok, though, because the kittehs must be allowed to speak.

  47. My blog post scores a “no duh”. This from a guy who has a Teen Korner on his website. I guess some people just don’t get my blog comments. They’re written with a little-known thing called sarcasm. If you guys want to read a real blog, try this one:
    http://ow.ly/1bNS0
    They didn’t comment on how terribly self important I am at ALL. I’m sure their blog post about me will be up soon. It’s too important not to be. Break your silence about me, sir! Tell me how great I am. I made Mallrats. Laters, farties and gentlepoops.

  48. I am kind of a Kevin Smith fan, mostly because of SModcast (mostly because of Scott Mosier). I totally agree he needs to shut up sometimes, or most of the time. I have seen a lot of his writing and I really don’t think that’s him. I could be wrong, but is there proof? It sounds like the person is trying to sound like him (he does say flick sometimes) but is failing, in my opinion.

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