OH GROSS.

So I casually noticed a gossip item about Dave Coulier this morning, and without even reading it, it got me thinking about one of my favorite shows when I was a kid, Out of Control, which Coulier hosted. I wrote a whole post about what a great show it was and how it, along with You Can’t Do That On Television, introduced a whole generation of young people to complicated post-modern narrative structures and also irony. But then I went back to look at the gossip item that triggered the whole thing, and discovered something horrifying.

The item, in US Weekly today, is Dave Coulier reminiscing about when he realized that Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughtta Know” was about him. OK, that’s hilarious, BUT, Alanis Morissette was on You Can’t Do That On Television at the same time that Dave was hosting Out of Control. THEY MET ON THE NICKELODEON LOT, AND THEY BEGAN TO HAVE SEX. I need an adult.

Now, Alanis was on YCDTOT as a five-year-old in 1979, and then didn’t return to the show until 1986, while Coulier’s Out of Control aired in 1984. But that just seems like too much of a coincidence. They probably met at the Nickelodeon Christmas party or something. Wikipedia claims they met at a hockey game, I claim BULLSHIT. Jagged Little Pill came out in ’95, when she was 21, and they had, clearly, already broken up. I’m going to give Coulier the benefit of the doubt and say that he did not sleep with an underage Morissette, but he definitely slept with an almost underage Morissette. Coulier is 15 years older than Morisette. Look, whatever Dave Coulier wants to do in his bedroom is his own business, but this whole revelation is like walking in on your parents having sex. If your parents had been involved with seminal children’s shows.

Here’s a full episode of Coulier’s Out of Control.

I will never think of the Hurry Up Machine or the chattering-teeth-trophy the same way again. I now recognize them for what they are, tawdry tools of seduction.

And here is an episode of You Can’t Do That on Television from the same year. Alanis does not appear in this episode, but she was 10 years old at the time.

I will be in the corner, shaking and crying and not knowing why I’m so angry all the time.

Comments (10)
  1. I didn’t know (SLIMED!) that the Dave Coulier and Alanis Morrisette thing was actually real! I Though it was so gross that it had to be made up. HOW COULD YOU UNCLE JOEY!?

  2. YCDTOT was a Canadian show, not Nickelodeon original programming though. I think.
    I loved Out of Control.

    • Chris  |   Posted on Aug 14th, 2008 0

      Not only that but “Out of Control” was a local show from Detroit that was later broadcast on Nickelodeon. Nice try.

  3. oh, cut. it. out. you guys.

  4. Genevieve  |   Posted on Aug 14th, 2008 0

    Oh.My.Gosh! Thank you for bringing back some memories. I watched those shows religiously. More a YCDTOT fan then an OOC fan. Me & my friends use to pour water on each other & slime each other like we were on the show. And I swear I had the same outfit that Lisa is wearing. Oh the memories. I want a where are they now!

  5. Marianne  |   Posted on Aug 14th, 2008 0

    Wait a minute. This gives new meaning to these lyrics too:

    If it weren’t for your maturity none of this would have happened
    If you weren’t so wise beyond your years I would’ve been able to control myself
    If it weren’t for my attention you wouldn’t have been successful and
    If it weren’t for me you would never have amounted to very much

    Ooh this could be messy
    But you don’t seem to mind
    Ooh don’t go telling everybody
    And overlook this supposed crime

    We’ll fast forward to a few years later
    And no one knows except the both of us
    And I have honored your request for silence
    And you’ve washed your hands clean of this

  6. So not only is Dave Coulier an unfunny successful(?) comedian..but he’s one of those people that have no idea what an asshole they are despite the fact they made their gf go down on them in a theater.

  7. Alanis Morissete is my favourite singer..!! but a gossip about Dave Coulier? no it can’t be true.. i don’t believe it/// anyway thanx for an article..

  8. Dave Coulier met Alanis at the NHL Allstar game in Montreal many years ago, it was there that the he and Alanis got the relationship started. I know because I introduced them and he stayed several days with her in Old Montreal.

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