When you first met your boyfriend, you thought, “he/this can’t be real.” And then you found his website, and you were like “OK, he/this DEFINITELY ISN’T real, but he/this is still MINE.” And ever since then you’ve been dating him (marriage is for wimps and fags, he is constantly reminding you) and definitely sleeping in the same bed with him. You guys share almost everything except for affection, common courtesy, basic decency, respect, and tanning secrets. No matter how many times you ask, he will not give up his precious tanning secrets!

Your boyfriend’s TV commercial (TV COMMERCIAL!) after the jump.

The thing is, it’s the law of the jungle. If you look at any type of animal–and humans ARE animals after all–you’ll see that the dominating alpha males of the species have bought a mail-order course in how to be alpha males. One of the defining characteristics of an alpha male, actually, is his need for instruction on how to be selfish and overbearing, and his love of cassette-based systems.

Oh, and I’m not trying to make you jealous or uncomfortable, but I am DEFINITELY following your boyfriend on Twitter. (Thanks for the tip, Emma.)

Comments (71)
  1. I was wondering what Tim Taylor was up to after Tool Time got canceled

  2. he looks like he’s wearing a diaper under his jeans. i’d look closer, but i’m pretty freaked out.

  3. Everything about this stinks of absolute bullshit. This guy is clearly an actor. I’m guessing all of this is viral marketing associated with some kind of upcoming humor book, or a movie. Your boyfriend is lying to you.

  4. I’m guessing my boyfriend only wears Sex Panther cologne by Odion.

    Because 60% of the time it works 100% of the time.

  5. Well he was my boyfriend but a bigger, better hawkpanther stole me from him. The irony? He learned it by watching him.

  6. I take that back. It’s a viral marketing campaign for a video game: Dante’s Inferno. (If you hang out on the site long enough, it sends you to a screen promoting the game.)

  7. “Property ownership is the foundation of freedom.”
    -Thomas Jefferson, noted Hawkpanther critic

  8. It’s a good thing tanning is a visual mating call, who uses auditory senses any more?

  9. The man playing me in this boyfriend biopic is bumming me out in my current life-choices department. Everything I ever knew is contradicted in easy to understand amoral lessons introduced by the use of animals. It’s like I am Aesop for the new generation.

  10. This guy is a fraud. We all know it was Lincoln who first said, “MORALS are just HANDCUFFS made of WORDS.”

  11. Umm… Can someone please tell me what the Fuck is a HawkPanther? I’m not a zoologist (crypto or otherwise). Little help over here.

    • well, when a Hawk and Panther love each other, they share a special kind of hug…

      • and then a hole goes in your body and there’s blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.

    • it’s basically that thing Napoleon Dynamite draws…except it might rape your mom or your sister or your brother’s wife…if it wanted to

  12. He looks like Dolph Lundgren. With a nice silk shirt. And the skin of cured leather.

  13. well, at least he’s a doctor (your mom says)

  14. I don’t know, guys. The “Are You a Hawkpanther?” helped me realize a lot about myself.

    Question #9/9
    In your opinion, women are most like:
    O A Warm blanket
    O A flank steak
    O North Korea

    Well, WHAT SAY YOU?

  15. there is a disclaimer that he is not acredited nor is his system guaranteed to work. really? i was about to throw out everything i know to become a hawkpanther. thank god for the fine print.

  16. Straight from the Hawkpanthers mouth: Les graduated summa cum laude from Ft. Dwayne Community College, literally putting the school on the map(Nice pun) when he made a local topographical map in his surveying class. Isn’t that what you would generally do in a surveying class? I’m no geologist or anything. Not like him.

  17. Honestly, I know he says that, but I seriously, honestly think that one day soon he’ll realize I’m the only woman who could be Mrs. Hawkpanther. It’s only a matter of time.

  18. He only gave me like A SECOND to say if I was ready! I was not prepared for these truth bombs!

  19. ok. so, i’m pretending I’m placing the pic of him making a vagina out of his hands. …a very wide, triangular vagina…

    and also, I think I already saw this on Magnolia…something about respecting the Hawkpanther and taming the Koalafish?

  20. Looks like somebody went to the Billy Mays School of Infomercial Hand Gestures.

  21. i.mg src.=”napoleondynamite_drawing_hawkpanther” /

  22. Lesson #6: Eyeliner gives you the power to seek out what’s rightfully yours.

  23. Looks like a classic “set-up” for rape-rape in process here.

  24. dear videogum,

    there’s a disclaimer in the video:

    les singer is not licensed or accredited in any way.
    his system is not guaranteed to work. nor does it actually exist.

    • Here’s an annotated visual I made: link to an image

      I hope that the disclaimer is “fake” because I really want Les to be real. Not that we need any more human garbage, but his tan is speaking to me on a hormonal level… I can’t help but feel super-attracted to him.

  25. I bet he got an A+ on his “putting your hands at shoulder level to emphasize a point” test at Motivational Speaker School.

  26. I actually thought that this was about being a lesbian or something. Misleading LES-sons.

  27. I got so turned on when he said “Your brother’s wife.”

  28. I love how there’s a two second pause after he’s done talking so we can all just let our boyfriend’s meaningful lessons sink in.

  29. Lesson #7: Hawkpanthers are real, and they exist.

  30. Anyone else feel any homoerotic tension there? I certainly didn’t…

  31. Now I’ll never be a true Hawkpanther (Hawksound-meowrawrrrr)!

  32. This has to be real, because I have to own the tie pin advertised on the website.

  33. This is guy is what would happen if Ayn Rand fucked Andrew Dice Clay.

  34. i’m pretty sure this guy just started a fire telepathically.

    either that or susan in accounting put lsd in my coffee again. that bitch.

  35. If you read the Legal Notice at the bottom the site is property of EA games. Someone said something about Dante’s Inferno which is Electronic Arts so that prolly what it’s for. Too bad this is hilarious and the game sucks.

  36. It’s like the male Sharon Stone.

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