Nightmare On Elm Street Huh. Welcome to my new nightmare? Because my new nightmare looks an awful lot like my old nightmare. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the effort! But, I mean, I used to have this nightmare about a guy in a moth-eaten sweater and a Panama hat wearing finger-knife-gloves, and now here is a guy in a moth-eaten sweater and a Panama hat wearing finger-knife-gloves, so. Actually, what type of hat is that? I’m not a hat expert. It’s funny that there are so many different names for hats, when you think about it. Oh right, my nightmare. The point is, it’s like the old saying goes: finger-knife-gloves is finger-knife-gloves is finger-knife-gloves. You know? Like, when I see those finger-knife-gloves coming for me, I’m mostly pretty focused on running away, so I’m sorry if I don’t recognize that he is wearing this season’s finger-knife-gloves, or whatever.

Also, this is so not my nightmare. My nightmare involves, like, partial paralysis and maybe a little bit of permanent brain damage after a serious car accident, leaving me with a fully functioning mind trapped inside of a broken body. It would probably happen on, like, a tropical vacation, too, you know? Like right when you least expect it. And then you’ve got the weird guilt about ruining your loved ones’ vacation, which you know is not what is important right now, because what is important is dealing with this medical emergency and everyone is focused on that, but you can’t help but feel guilty in a weird way. And now also your trust in everything is just shaken, and you have this morbid fear of the simple fact that life as you know it can literally turn on a dime, and your entire world can come tumbling down around your head, and there is absolutely nothing that could have been done to change anything, no matter how hard you recalculate the devastating scenario in your head. And you start to wonder if fate is real, but how if it is real, and this is yours, that it is now a depressing force in the world, not the magical one for which you had always carried a secret hope. That is my new nightmare. You’re welcome.

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Nightmare On Elm Street

Comments (78)
  1. As a knitter, the scariest part of this poster is the suggestion of MOTHS.

    • i don’t think it’s moths, i think that his sharp little fingers get all caught up in his sweater when he puts it on. it must be very frustrating for him.

      • Now that makes me feel all sad inside. Maybe someone needs to knit him some finger-knife-glove cozies or something. Could turn his life around.

        • Mittens. We need to knit Freddy Krueger mittens.

          • or we could just knit him a big ugly poncho, thus removing the problem of having to put his arms through any constraining holes. and ponchos can be stylish! my mom loves them! maybe a nice beaded fringe? i’m going to go search ravelry for just the right atrocious construction for his active lifestyle.

          • Couldn’t he just wear the same leather and strap get-up as Edward Scissorhands? Then maybe with some new threads he could stop murdering and find the love of a good woman, like Winona Ryder or Peg Bundy.

  2. They are such liars, this was and always has been my dream, not my nightmare.

  3. If the movie is going to be set in present time, wouldn’t it have to be set in a reality in which the previous Nightmare on Elm Street movies don’t exist?

    And wouldn’t that one thing lead to all sorts of minor repercussions leading to grander repercussions and potentially a totally altered social landscape?

    And what I am asking is if Ashton Kutcher will wake up with his arms missing.

  4. He looks rather contemplative. Is he planning a cross-country road trip to attend his daughter’s wedding in this one?

    • No, that one is directed by Wes Anderson and there is just a Vampire Weekend song looping continuously in the background.

    • To me he looks like Mr. Burns, post-”e-e-excellent”

    • Alexander Payne presents “About Krueger”

      Freddy retires from killing children in their dreams but finds it hard to adjust to his new life away from the boiler room he called home.
      One evening, he sees a television advertisement about a foster program for African children. He desperately wants to terrorize them in their dreams, but he remembers he must travel cross-country to Denver, CO for his daughter’s wedding!
      What Freddy didn’t count on was that there would be a NEW nightmare waiting for him in Denver— a terrifying succubus with an insatiable sexual appetite— a stark-naked, sexed-up Kathy Bates, who’s been freed from her hot tub of frothy terror!
      Freddy must use every murderous-pervert trick in his book of murderous-pervert tricks if he ever wants to marry off his daughter and defeat the crazed sex-demon at her own game- by winning the student council election!

      (this is all just my long-winded way of saying I got the reference)

  5. Actually, I’m pretty sure the American Pie remake will be my new nightmare.

  6. <img src="http://tinypic.com/r/9hs7dx/6&quot;
    Welcome to your new Bermuda Shorts

  7. Also, I just noticed the “related post” thing and it is rad.

    All my Freddy Krueger needs on one page? Am I dreaming?!

    OR AM I IN MY NEW NIGHTMARE!?

  8. I found The Lovely Pones poster scarier. Red sweaters just don’t scream, “I am going to kill you.” IMO

  9. His mouth looks awfully lopsided. Maybe the NEW part of the nightmare is that this time Freddy Kruger had a stroke.

  10. i always thought a sweater would be too scratchy on all his open wounds

  11. My roommate saw an advanced screening a couple days ago. Last Thursday.
    He was not impressed.
    He didn’t understand how Rorschach went from a guy in a hat and mask with no knife-hands to a guy without a mask in a hat WITH knife-hands.
    That bothered him, as well as most of the scares being the cheap-kind that startle you with loud noises! SHRIEK!
    Also, he’s never even seen the original film, which was actually pretty good.

    SIDENOTE- I believe Paul F. Tompkins had a great bit on John Oliver’s standup show about the people on Hollywood blvd who dress up as characters, and there was a guy dressed as Freddy, and he had REAL BLADES on his fingers. And one time he got in an argument with some guy, got fed up and stabbed him with his claws. I would like for the movie to be that, please.

  12. My nightmare is being given a thousand papercuts and then being drowned in lemon juice, because OWWWWW!!!

  13. I don’t understand the purpose of a refresh on horror movie franchises. The fun of horror movies is in the scary surprises. Where’s the fear in a nearly shot for shot remake? Every twist and turn will be expected, thus boring.

  14. Weirdly, the scene in Part 4 where the body builder girl turns into a cockroach, that really is my nightmare.

  15. Are we sure that the scariest thing isn’t this website? GAH! I’m Dead.

  16. My nightmare is that the Gentlemen from the Buffy episode “Hush” come to my town and cut my heart out. Seriously, I still occasionally have this dream and it is the worst. I’d post a picture of them but I’m unwilling to use HTML in this new, uncertain world without a preview button in which we live.

    • but they’re so dapper in their suits! and they have quite charming smiles!

      (that episode is way scary. i’m always embarrassed to admit that there are certain buffy episodes that i can’t really watch.)

  17. Do GIFs not work any more?

  18. My nightmare is a Videogum without chat :( Also any word on Werttrew? I think he is taking the gif issues pretty hard. Its like he has to learn to live again.

  19. The GIF’s from olds posts are still working I think?

    So there has to be some sort of way to get them to work in this format…

    I’m no computer whiz though.

  20. Did this work?

  21. I appreciate that Hollywood has just decided that The Brady Bunch Movie is far too frightening to ever remake.

    Jeff: 1, The Brady Bunch: 0

  22. The Situation and Pauli D are talking to Kim Kardashian on the Ryan Seacrest show right now….the office radio is my nightmare

  23. My nightmare is that all my loved ones will die unexpectedly in a plane crash and then a bit later I get eaten by giant spiders. I hate spiders.

  24. I used to have a recurring nightmare that all my friends and loved ones would be eaten by jellyfish.

    Jellyfish.

    I was not the smartest child.

  25. Welcome your old nightmare? Be potentially afraid like you maybe were in 1984?

  26. Mine involves people falling into hot pools in Yellowstone. Or people/pets falling into hot pools that have inexplicably formed in my dining room.

  27. Kelly Bensimon is looking well.

  28. i’ve never had this tropical paralysis nightmare before but now i’m terrified, and i have a non-refundable ticket to mexico leaving april 3rd with all my loved ones in tow. can i just skip it and write the ticket cost off on my taxes and if so, what form do i use? 23°26′ N-23°26′S-EZ?

  29. I bet Freddie scratches the shit out of his iPhone screen every time he scrolls to the next page of apps.

  30. Famous graduates of the Wheaton College, IL, an evangelical christian school (no dancing!)

    Katydid
    Billy Graham
    Wes Craven

    Dead serious.

    • Former children who grew up in Wheaton, IL who were terrified of getting lost on the Wheaton College campus and generally tell people that they’re really from Glen Ellyn:

      barabajagalla

  31. gabe, do yourself a favor: never see “the diving bell and the butterfly.” it’s a nightmare.

  32. Along the same lines, did anyone else accidentally see that episode of Criminal Minds where the crazy lady turns women into live dolls by giving them some kind of drug that induces paralysis in an IV drip so they can’t move but remain completely awake and aware while she does things like sew wigs directly onto their scalps and make them to have tea parties? Because that is my new nightmare.

    • Oh my god, that episode was pure nightmare fuel. But no, I didn’t accidentally see that episode. I saw it on purpose and I’m not ashamed. I would watch Matthew Gray Gubler and his sweatervests hunt serial killers all day long if I could. Cat noise.

    • An episode of Dollhouse also had that. The guy made them his aunt, sister and mother respectively, and made them watch while he played croquet (using the mallet later on to bash one of their heads in when one of the dolls [I think they weren't Dollhouse Dolls though] started coming to).

  33. Are we supposed to feel jazzed by this movie coming out, or embarrassed for it and superior? Anybody?

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