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The guest list for Jay Leno’s first two weeks as the returning host of the Tonight Show have been released. Instant shit list!
Monday, March 1 – Guests include Jamie Foxx, Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn and a musical performance by Brad Paisley
Tuesday, March 2 - Guests include Sarah Palin, Olympic snowboarder Shaun White
Wednesday, March 3 – “Jaywalk All-Stars” with the cast of Jersey Shore, Chelsea Handler, Olympic speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno and a musical performance by Avril Lavigne
Thursday, March 4 – Guests include Matthew McConaughey and Jason Reitman
Friday, March 5 – Guests include Morgan Freeman and Meredith Vieira
Monday, March 8 – Guests include Simon Cowell
Tuesday, March 9 – Guests include Christoph Waltz, Animal Expert Dave Salmoni and a musical performance by Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
Wednesday, March 10 – Guests include Kristen Stewart and Guy Fieri
Thursday, March 11 – Guests include Dana Carvey and Kim Kardashian, with a musical performance by Colbie Caillat
Friday, March 12 – Guests include Dakota Fanning and Judd Apatow
Look, I’m mostly joking. I know that we all need to put food on our families, and even if Jay Leno is a denim-skinned Nightmare Monster whose veins pump pure ego and who has an entire staff of Ivy League educated lawyers working around-the-clock to figure out how exactly to take an airplane hangar full of obscenely expensive antique cars with you into the after-life, the World of Showbiz still has rules by which everyone must play, and you can’t seriously fault anyone for trying to promote their next rent check via an asshole’s show on an asshole network. Nem is Da Rulez. But Sarah Palin on his second night out of the gate? FILE UNDER: FUCKING PERFECT. If there is a rare miss here for Mr. Leno, it is only that he could not book Palin for the FIRST episode. (Via USA Today, thanks for the tip, Mark.)
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You betcha. http://tinyurl.com/yaog2gg
Wow, Dana Carvey? There?s a cutting edge relevant comedian. I guess Gallagher Two was busy.
D’oh. From now on, I shall call you “Quick Draw Lizzing”
I can’t wait for March 11. Dana Carvey AND Kim Kardashian? Too much!
Get out while you still can Christoph Waltz! You too Reitman! Run! Jay Leno is the birdemic of late night. Bring a clothes hanger to protect yourselves.
I guess Jeff Dunham and Seth MacFarlane will be on the following week?
Well I know I’ll be tuning in on March 4th for Jay’s groundbreaking interview with Eric Estrada, featuring musical guest Toni Basil.
Sorry for this digression, but I have a question regarding Toni Basil: Is the song “Mickey” really dirty, or am I reading too much into it? “So come on and give it to me/ any way you can/ Any way you want to do it/ I’ll take it like a man.” Those are the words, right? Is she talking about what I think she is talking about?
I just assume every novelty song from the 80′s is about masturbation.
What about “One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head?
OK, well all 80′s novelty songs except one
she totally is saying what you think she’s saying. that song is super super dirrrrty.
Just like “I want candy” by The strangeloves/(popularized by) bow wow wow
Candy on the Beach there’s nothing better…
So, wait, is this just your parody list of awful people, or Leno’s actual guests? You humour is too subtle right now. Opening with Jamie Foxx, Sarah Palin and the Jershey Shore cast implies the former, but the inclusion of Christoph Waltz (real nice guy) implies the latter.
JERSHEY Shore?
That’s so wrong…
Hey man, don’t mock my speech* impediment.
*not speech, like, writing or something
You mistake me, sir!
I was only commenting on your spot-on scatological observation of the quality of Jersey Shore.
I wasn’t mocking your writing-or-something impediment. That would be cruel!
W.O.S. is no laughing matter.
Perhaps Jershey Shore is akin to Jershey squirts?
That’s so wrong it whips back around to right again.
Is there a simple and pain free way to remove my eyes and destroy my hearing?
HOLY MOLY
I can’t wait for Shelley Long, Armand Assante, and musical guest Midnight Oil
Oh I think we’re in the middle of an obscurity-off here…
Tune in March 16th for an in-depth interview with Joey Lawrence, featuring the musical stylings of ‘Gerardo’
I’m gonna laugh so hard (not at all) when you end up with upvotes while I end up with downvotes for literally the same comment. (And yes, I was first.)
I reckon I’ll just downvote this comment instead, if that’s cool with you
Whatever floats your boat.
I guess downvoting floats a lot of people’s boats. It’s the new water!
As I am reading this you have -15 and Notsewfast has 15. Is this some kind of videogum, Jacob smoke monster white rock black rock thing? Is videogum turning into the island? Ive been witnessing a Notsewfast bandwagon and DS3M backlash of late.
I like DS3M just fine and he’s definitely made me laugh. I think it just gets annoying for some monsters when he constantly complains about not getting enough upvotes, or whatever.
He’s like your coworker who’s all “Damn, Johnson got the McGregor account and I worked my ass off all year! Bullshit!”. But landing the McGregor account would be an important and lucrative career move so while your coworker’s tirades are annoying, you can see where he’s coming from. Getting a high-rated comment on a pop culture blog is not important , and I have no idea where DS3M is coming from.
Oh yeah, Alan Alda, Ann Landers and Golden Earring are on in two weeks.
Well you’ll shit bricks when you see the April 3rd lineup: Richard Karn, Joyce DeWitt and the up-beat tempos of Lipps Inc.
You win, my pop culture reserves tap out around 1997…
Midnight Oil is actually kinda bad ass
Agreed. Just as dated as Joan Jett and The Blackhearts, Dana Carvey, and the cast of jersey shore
Did you hear what he did to Conan? Shit is fucked up.
This schedule is what the lowest common denominator looks like.
There needs to be a Videogum Anti-Promise for this guy. Seriously. His time to deserve our attention has passed. All he deserves now is our bottomless indifference to his continued presence.
join the group:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=308601517905
86 whole “I Promise Not To Watch Jay Leno” members and counting.
Wednesday, March 10 – Guests include Kristen Stewart and Guy Fieri. Mark your calenders. You have a full block of unappealing! It starts with Jay being unappealing. Then Kristen Stewart being unappealing, talking about Joan Jett or something, then Guy Fieri looking like a 10 year old from the early 90′s.
If they got a decent Leno impression, this entire post/comments thread could be an amayayazing SNL sketch.
Does Judd Apatow have anything to promote? I don’t mean to get all conspiracygum, but is it possible that someone (government, USSR, aliens) got to Apatow in the middle of filming Funny People, which resulted in this Jay Leno appearance and the second half of Funny People?
the worst part is that while this list is a veritable who’s-who cares of olympics/hollywood/vaudeville, i m still sitting here trying to come up with one name of an actor (that i care about) that didn’t sign the roman polanski petition. we are all without heros.
I can only hope that Simon Cowell is a complete ass when he is on. But i guess i will never know because i won’t be watching that show, ever.
No comment per se, I just like your name –
You and that monkey, monkey…
Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey
I’m just going to go ahead and pretend that Christopher Waltz has no idea what the Tonight Show even is and is completely clueless about important things like late night talk show wars. Also, I am having a fantasy about Brad Pitt carving a giant C into Jay’s forehead.
Brad Pitt is in my fantasy too, but he isn’t doing that.
I don’t care what he calls himself, he still just looks like Bowser to me.
I can only hope that Simon Cowell is a complete ass when he is on. But i guess i will never know because i won’t be watching that show, ever.
Ok, it told me there was a comment submission error when i submitted this the first time. Therefore, i take no responsibility for this.
I hope he interviews a bag of Doritos
I hope he interviews Patrick Duffy and Joey Lawrence on the same night.
Jay Leno’s all, “Hey Joey Lawrence, you got a cawr? You gotta have a cawr. You got a goil-friend? Ahhh, eh, Joey Lawrence you got a goil-friend? …. Oh God what have I done with my life…?” BLAM!
As much as I love Coco, I just don’t have the heart to put Morgan Freeman on any sort of shit list.
Now Gordon Freeman, That’s a guest prime for Jay Leno. Non-real digitized reality.
Not even your DUI-accumulating, step-granddaughter-marrying shit list?
Thanks god I don’t have to put Justin Bieber on my shit list. That would make me cry like a 3-year-old.
Is Simon Cowell the only guest on March 8? I guess Jay needs a full program in order to shame him properly for retiring from American Idol.
“nope” – Kevin Eubanks
Jay Leno’s new logo, or Mad About You’s old logo, I can’t tell.
For some reason the Palin thing prompted me to remember the central role Leno played in putting Schwarzenegger in the governor’s mansion. Which reminded me that the big public outcry leading to the Gray Davis recall was in response to the reinstatement of an auto licensing fee that had been suspended a few years prior. For some reason that is making me laugh/cry.
Upvotes in appreciation of your political memory! Goddamn bullshit sonofabitch recall. Not that Gray Davis was the best ever, but, ugh.
Most of these people were already on my shit list. Now they’re just underlined.
Apatow’s just going to come out, pal around with Leno for a bit, and then slam him for the rest of the interview, right? RIGHT? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CONFIRM THIS?
Joan Jett will be performing Jay Leno’s new anthem “I Don’t Give a Damn ‘Bout My Bad Repuation.”
What I want to know is, is Jimmy Kimmel going to Trojan Horse his way back onto the show again? That was priceless television.