Obviously, any good Christian who is preparing for the Rapture has to wonder to him or herself, “yeah, it’s gonna be awesome, but what about my heathen pets?” Well, wonder no more. Now there is a service (that is almost certainly fake) to help you with just this problem! It is called After the Rapture Pet Care, because at times like these who can afford to waste time being clever?! Here is their introductory commercial:

I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE BLUE PILL, OR WHATEVER!

[Insert "I guess not ALL dogs go to heaven joke" here.]

Now, this has to be fake, not only because IT HAS TO BE, but also because of how hard the person who made it is insisting that it is real. (Although this PayPal page seems scarily legitimate.) But also: who cares! This is hilarious and amazing. It is the Die Antwoord of Post-Rapture Pet Care. Besides, when Jebus comes back to take 200 people to heaven or whatever, we’ll have plenty of time trapped on the burning hellscape of a foresaken Earth to argue over authenticity!

Everything about this is great. First of all, the YouTube comments are great:

Wowowowow. You guys, RELAX! You’re ALL crazy!

But, of course, the best is the After the Rapture Pet Care website (because how else are you going to connect non-Christians with pets? Snail mail? Get real, grandpa! And see you in heaven soon, grandpa!) You could visit the site yourself, but I could just as easily copy and paste everything here, because it is all CRAMAZING. First up, the After the Rapture Pet Care “story”:

In the fall of 2009, a non-believer friend of mine named Carol brought up a question: “Hey, if you get raptured, what happens to Petey?” It was an excellent question, and I didn’t have an answer. Little did Carol know that I would obsess about this. And I didn’t know that Carol, while a non-believer, was considering the possibility the Rapture might happen, and what would happen to the pets left behind.

A couple weeks later Carol came back and suggested we start After The Rapture Pet Care together. She said she had asked several Christian friends the same question she’d asked me, and every one of them would pay for a service to ensure the care of their pets after the Rapture. I had also asked some fellow Christians their thoughts. In every case they wished there was a way to prepare for their pets’ survival. The key was, it had to be a legitimate service run by sincere people, not the Atheist-run joke sites that appear from time to time online. Carol and I were the perfect team for this mission.

While planning our system, we thought about the stories of pet rescues in New Orleans after Katrina. Imagine how many more pets would have been saved if there had been a database of pets and volunteers activated immediately. This is something we could do for Christian owned pets.

With the decision made to create this service, Carol began recruiting other non-Christian animal lovers nationwide to volunteer to take care of left-behind pets if the Rapture occurs. As a Christian, my role has been to put together a program that is Biblically appropriate and provides true value to Christians. I believe we’ve come up with a plan that is affordable, unique, Biblical and practical.

The plan is simple. You pay 10 bucks a month to register up to three pets (see Frequently Asked Questions about more than three pets). We put half that into an FDIC-insured savings account to be untouched either until the Rapture or you cancel your account (such as if your pet passes away before the Rapture). The other half will be used now to handle the expenses of setting up this worldwide network of volunteers, building our comprehensive database, and getting the word out to as many Christian pet owners as possible.

Imagine the Rapture as just a GIANT HURRICANE KATRINA, but the flood waters are hell fire, and I guess the AstroDome is heaven? Not all the kinks have been worked out in this analogy, but hopefully there is still a little time before Jebus comes back and we can work out all the kinks in this analogy!

Meanwhile, for just 10 dollars a month (A MONTH!), here is what you get:

  • Volunteers will be alerted immediately by email and telephone that they have been activated.
  • Pets will be assigned to one of our Volunteer Caretakers based upon location and other factors.
  • Our FDIC-guaranteed funds will be distributed on a pet-by-pet basis to the Volunteer Caretakers for expenses. Volunteer Caretakers agree that they’ll take care of your pets, though, even if these funds run out.
  • Volunteer Caretakers will do whatever it takes to find and rescue your pets. If your pet has a location chip, we’ll use that, or we’ll go to every location you’ve registered with us, and if your pets are not at one of those locations, we’ll search for your cars as well as stay in contact with the local pet shelters.
  • We stay in touch with our Volunteer Caretakers regarding each and every pet to be sure everything is being done to rescue and care for them.

“Dear volunteer, you know how Jebus came back and the world is engulfed in flames and demons? Time to love someone else’s rheumatic terrier!” It is a good thing that email and telephones will still be operational after the Rapture. Phew. This is just such a good service for such a reasonable not entirely insane and further proof that you have just got to be kidding me with this price!

And here is most of the site’s FAQ, because even though it is long, it is worth it. Just like your pet! I have italicized some of the most important FACTS (because this is real and full of them).

What if the Rapture does not occur while my pet is alive?

It is certainly possible the Rapture will not occur any time soon. Like a thief in the night, we don’t know the day or the hour of His coming. [Ed. note: good analogy!] It’s been over 2,000 years already, and it could be hundreds more. Or it could be tomorrow. Just like life insurance, After The Rapture Pet Care is a way to have peace of mind knowing that IF the Rapture does occur soon, your pets won’t be left alone in a locked house, a fenced yard, or your car. Isn’t a few dollars a month a small investment to ensure the survival of your pet? If your pet passes away, or if you simply do not wish to continue with our program, you can cancel at any time online directly through PayPal without having to jump through hoops.

Can I contact the Volunteer Caretakers in my area?

We have promised our Volunteer Caretakers we will not release their names or information. In general, as non-Christians, they do not wish to be contacted by the Christians within our system because they don’t want to be pressured to convert to Christianity. If we did not have this privacy agreement in place, we would lose 99% of our Volunteer Caretakers. And that is why Carol deals with them, not me. [Ed. note: sure, yes, obviously. Classic Carol.]

Isn’t the world going to be totally collapsed after the Rapture?

When all the Christians on the planet disappear, there will certainly be massive devastation. However, the majority of people will still be on earth, and communications will be their first priority to maintain. Therefore, we believe it will not be a problem to coordinate activities to rescue and care for your pets. As far as the data about all registered pets, it is located on Google servers (the most secure servers in the world) as well as our own server in Lansing, Michigan (away from political and military hot spots to minimize chance of destruction if there is a post-Rapture war). [Ed. note: BOOM GOES THE MINDEMITE!] We also have backups in three other undisclosed cities throughout the United States. The non-Christian administrators assigned to coordinate our efforts after we’re gone are also located in multiple locations, all with log in information.

What kind of pets do you allow?

We welcome you to register any kind of pets you have that are considered domestic animals. Most pets registered are dogs and cats, but our Volunteer Caretakers will care for any animal, fish, bird, reptile or insect that can be taken care of in a residence. Elephants, lions, tigers and bears would require special needs, though [Ed. note: they DEFINITELY would!], so contact us if you’ve got a dangerous or huge animal before registering!

Is this for real?

There are sarcastic joke sites on the Internet about many “after the Rapture” functions, but we are for real.

Unbelievable. Once again, Internet, you have done it. You have done it so hard. (Thanks for the tip, Robin Rubbermaid.)

Comments (77)
  1. My Dog is Jewish, so I’m sure after I’m exalted into the heavens for all eternity, playing ping-pong and Christian side-hugging with Jesus, he’ll be just fine eating his kosher kibble and thinking about just how wrong he’s been was all these years.

  2. My brain cavern may never recover from that mindemite. Good thing Jacob crossed out my name in there (huh?)

  3. I call dibs on Kirk Cameron’s goldfish!!

  4. This has got to be viral marketing for yet another (yawn) post-apocalyptic horror/thriller. Maybe like Benji vs. Cujo with Athiest zombies.

  5. Someone keeping an elephant in their house scares me more than eternal damnation

  6. This idea is genius. I mean, sure, these people are getting fleeced out of their money, but I think anyone who cares so much about the supernatural as to devalue their fellow humans [Jews aren't good enough to go to heaven, obvz] deserves to be fleeced out of their money.

    In conclusion, WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

  7. Damn, Gabe beat me to the “All Dogs Go to Heaven” joke…

  8. I was about to joke that the only drawback is the pets have to get microchipped with the mark of the beast. But it turns out there’s no such thing as a joke in the interweb age:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l39XsMcyvgA

  9. This is clearly an effort by us heathens and Jews to secure a post-rapture food source. Petey will be Carol’s lunch.

    • You said it! It sounds like a food source scheme to me too!
      Like the atheist was thinking? “Hmm. Christians are so goddamn crazy to believe in the Rapture. But let me see here- I’m a rational, skeptical person with an open mind- let’s pretend that the Christian fairytale is real- That they’ll all ascend to heaven someday, meanwhile the nti-Christ claims Earth and hell reigns. Worst case scenario? I’m dodging demons, but I have a shit-ton of money (for whatever it’s worth) and a primo Food Locator contraption. Like Egon’s ghost detector or something, except pets, not ghosts. Although there probably will be ghosts too. But I digress.
      Best case scenario- There is no God and I’m getting paid for nothing, which is AMAZING.

  10. This is funny until you realize that roughly 1/3 of all Americans actually believe in this,

    • NO WAY! IMPOSSIBLE!…really?

    • “1/3 of Americans believe in this” is sort of an unfair blanket statement don’t you think? Ohhh, okay. 1/3 of Americans believe in Rapture Pet Care services and the insanity behind it. Because Science.

      As far as Christianity goes (or any other deeply cherished belief for that matter), it’s super easy to say whatever you want about it by using a commercial for a Zombie Pet Cemetery (or whatever) from the internet as your proof.

      Also, yes. My own comment is dumb because VIDEOGUM. Not exactly the go-to place for insight into spiritual matters. For the record, Gabe is consistently TBS? Very funny when referencing spiritual topics!

      • Welp, based on http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/10_08/b4167070046047.htm this, 20-40% of Americans believe the Second Coming will happen in their life time. Seeing as how about 25% or Americans are Evangelical, I think 1/3 is a pretty good estimate, if not on the conservative side.

        • Go Go Gadget Videogum Jesus Debate

        • your link says perhaps 20-40 million americans (where did they get those numbers?), and according to the national population clock on census.gov, we’ve got 308,704,356 – so, we’re looking at maybe 6%-12% of americans. I’d still say that’s a lot – but especially when considering how polls are conducted and how ambiguous a lot of spiritual belief is, i’d say the numbers are much lower who would atually believe in this (and even lower if you take in to consideration that many might also believe in virtuous pet’s souls and… I don’t know, other things.)

          disclaimer: I’m not defending the rapture, but I am a christian.

          • Oh, hey, I totally misread that. Thanks for catching that, M[r./s.] Froghat!
            Keep in mind that that poll was just of who believed that the Second Coming was going to happen in their lifetime. More people believe it’ll happen, but after they die.

            From this http://www.religioustolerance.org/godpoll.htm website:
            “An Associated Press survey in 1997 revealed that 24% of American adults expected to be still alive when Jesus returns. “
            That was in 1997. Considering the conservative swing Middle America is experiencing, it may be a bit higher now, but I don’t have any hard evidence on that.
            Also, I got the 25% of Americans are Evangelical bit from Jesus Camp. I don’t know where they got that, but I’m assuming it’s not bull.

            Suffice to say, it’s at least 24% of the population, maybe higher. And that’s kind of strange and scary, imho.

          • Aaaaaaaand SCENE!

          • Totally sorry I came off as confrontational.

            This is the coolest, funniest and best site on the internet. I love Gabe and all you commenters though I am not often one.

            Just feel way out of place when anything religious comes up and was hoping that all the numbers were wrong and this was a joke and that this didn’t exist and that all the insane and inane right-wing corporate & money loving politics in these United States hadn’t actually been appropriated by the evangelical church, or vice-versa and that middle America didn’t have such a bad rap and that mainstream Christianity wasn’t such a terrible joke.

            alas.

            I agree with you guys about how crazy this whole mess is.
            And I work for a southern megachurch.

            So, mixed feelings.

            (btw: a Mr. from Little Rock Arkansas of all places)

  11. I like this whole thing, conceptually. Those good-hearted non-Christian Caretakers. So helpful! In those last moments before the earth turns into a post-apocalyptic hellscape, they’re going to get a text msg: Rescue Mr. Pickles at 742 Evergreen Terrace. They’ll step over mass graves and rivers of blood to save that ferret for the low, low price of $10 a month. Seems reasonable.

  12. This is totally real because it?s the stupidest fucking idea ever. Or the smartest, depending on how you feel about charlatans.

  13. So, someone with one zebra finch pays the same as someone with three great danes? hmm

  14. Personally, I’ll take the fire, brimstone, and all that if it means all the Christians are gone and we get more puppies and kitties.

  15. This is actually kind of an amazing scam. (I’m going to go ahead and assume this is a scam.) I mean, there’s basically two things that can happen:

    1) The rapture never happens, and anyone who complains about being scammed will be promptly pointed to the paragraph stating that this whole service is basically “just in case”, and that they signed up for said service knowing that.

    2) The rapture does happen, and anyone that got scammed is too busy being in heaven to care.

    Basically, even if only ten people in the world signed up for this, they’d still be making $100 a month for doing absolutely nothing, and no one can stop them.

    • And that guy charges less ($110 for a 10-year contract, $15 per additional pet), plus gives his Google AdSense profits to charities. Eternal Earthbound Pets wins the Exploiting Weirdos Who Don’t Believe Animals Have Souls But Do Believe They’ll Be Whisked up to Heaven One Day Award for Least Exploitative.

  16. The post-rapture world is essentially going to be a 24/7 Puppy Bowl.

  17. Fuck that. When the Rapture happens I’m stealing all of these people’s dogs and starting my own 4REAL Hotel for Dogs.

    DOWN WILL BE UP. DOGS WILL BE PEOPLE. RAPTURE!

  18. I’m a Christian and I’m praying to Jesus this is a fake because SPEECHLESS.

    On a superficial note, though, that is one top-notch A+++ collection of photos of pets looking longingly out windows.

  19. The question “Hey, if you get raptured, what happens to Petey?” made me Lots of Love my drink all over the place.

  20. I think Paul mentioned something about a post-apocalyptic personal peace that passeth understanding. But cats is stretching things.

  21. Please let the Nigerians be behind this… they would totally be redeeming themselves from sending me emails about bulldog puppies trapped abroad!

    http://petrelocation.blogspot.com/2007/07/nigerian-puppy-scams.html

  22. Can’t believe there is not a single “Fake and Gay” comment. WTF kind of YouTube video is this???

    • petepetepete wrote “REAL” earlier, which is a humorous flip-take of the “FAKE” joke (because it’s not real, you see)

  23. All my pets will look out windows when the Rapture comes.

  24. Come on, guys. They totally have a running list of addresses so when the rapture is upon us, they won’t go hungry. They’ll have hundreds of pets to eat.

    I’m calling the ASPCA.

  25. Carol is a freaking genius. Seriously.

  26. Ok, just calm down everybody! We need to make music together! We need to make sweet harmony!*

    *Please, god, let someone recognize this as a reference to All Dogs go to heaven.

  27. I’m going to one up this woman by starting a service to care for heathen children after the Rapture.

  28. Clearly these people have never seen the classic movie “All Dogs Go To Heaven”. If Christians are allowed to believe in a piece of fiction, then I can believe in my cartoon movies.

  29. Running this thing is a great idea. Either you get 5 dollars a month for life for “expenses” while you have a ton of money you can use at some point when people stop paying you. And if the Rapture does happen, you have addresses of everyone that’s gone. Crime spree here I come. Of course it wold be awkward for both parites if you go to pick up a pet to find out that while the person was right about the Rapture, they were wrong about being one of the people that would get picked.

    • a more awkward moment might be if you spend the cash money you’ve been getting from your christian marks, living the high live and then oh shit! the rapture comes and you have no money left to pick up or care for all the lonely pets around the world. there will be egg on your face.

  30. *Phew* I’m happy to have read this, for two simple reasons:
    - Post-rapture mayhem will be wise enough to spare my innocent pet.
    - Google servers are so secured that they can survive the globe going down in flames.
    Note to self: store all the pictures of my cats on Google servers, and buy 100 more “Jesus validates me” shirts for my dog, in case the rapture needs a reminder.

  31. The still image of the non-Christian pet care-givers is interestingly ethnically diverse. The Rapture is post racial you guys. I suppose this means God’s penis is a white supremacist

  32. If you people get raptured, can I have the rest of the cake?

  33. Not to be Professor Logos over here or anything, but I just have to say that their “After ?he Rapture” SUUUUUUUCKS.
    There are T’s all over the name of the organization. There’s plenty of opportunity to slip some ?’s in there! You don’t implement your ONE design element on a fucking ARTICLE.
    How about After the Rap?ure?
    or Af?er the Rapture?
    or Af?er ?he Rap?ure?
    Any one of those are better than “After ?he Rapture.” They’re all bad though.
    Crosses as design elements are so lazy.
    “Where we’re going we don’t need crosses.” -Heathen Graphic Design Firm

    • I think that the graphic designers just picked the article T because it was the most centered, because focal point. And since they are Heathens they probably put the cross on the most insignificant word on purpose. In your face Christians! Just keep giving us your $ for our Heathen rapture services!
      But, I see what you are saying.

      • I just realized the full name is “After the Rapture Pet Care.” The YOUTUBE logo had covered up the Pet Care bit, and I improperly researched the name. That’s on me.
        Having said that though- putting the cross as the T in Rapture would actually center it better.
        After the Rap?ure Pet Care
        OR they could have used 3 CROSSES in all the important words- Af?er, Rap?ure, and Pe?s.
        No excuses. Their design sense SUCKS! BWAAH!

        • You are so right, my apologies! Their logo now 100% sucks. But, I still think their idea is genius. Genius money making scheme with bad design. (Had to go back to this after I upvoted the Ke$ha joke. Her dollar sign is in the middle, but she is terrible.)

  34. this might be the best article i have ever read on videogum.

  35. Yes, but where can I get my “after the zombie epidemic” pet care?
    On a separate note, if I was a dog whose owner had been raptured, I would not stare longingly out the window. I would totally GET UP ON THE COUCH!

  36. This is my cat waving goodbye to everyone who got raptured and simultaneously fighting off evil demons.

  37. don’t wanna get all Professor Christianitygum on ya, but that “thief in the night” thing is a pretty commonly used Rapture metaphor, FYI.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Faithful_Servant


  38. If we did not have this privacy agreement in place, we would lose 99% of our Volunteer Caretakers. And that is why Carol deals with them, not me.

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