Obviously, any good Christian who is preparing for the Rapture has to wonder to him or herself, “yeah, it’s gonna be awesome, but what about my heathen pets?” Well, wonder no more. Now there is a service (that is almost certainly fake) to help you with just this problem! It is called After the Rapture Pet Care, because at times like these who can afford to waste time being clever?! Here is their introductory commercial:
I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE BLUE PILL, OR WHATEVER!
[Insert "I guess not ALL dogs go to heaven joke" here.]
Now, this has to be fake, not only because IT HAS TO BE, but also because of how hard the person who made it is insisting that it is real. (Although this PayPal page seems scarily legitimate.) But also: who cares! This is hilarious and amazing. It is the Die Antwoord of Post-Rapture Pet Care. Besides, when Jebus comes back to take 200 people to heaven or whatever, we’ll have plenty of time trapped on the burning hellscape of a foresaken Earth to argue over authenticity!
Everything about this is great. First of all, the YouTube comments are great:
Wowowowow. You guys, RELAX! You’re ALL crazy!
But, of course, the best is the After the Rapture Pet Care website (because how else are you going to connect non-Christians with pets? Snail mail? Get real, grandpa! And see you in heaven soon, grandpa!) You could visit the site yourself, but I could just as easily copy and paste everything here, because it is all CRAMAZING. First up, the After the Rapture Pet Care “story”:
In the fall of 2009, a non-believer friend of mine named Carol brought up a question: “Hey, if you get raptured, what happens to Petey?” It was an excellent question, and I didn’t have an answer. Little did Carol know that I would obsess about this. And I didn’t know that Carol, while a non-believer, was considering the possibility the Rapture might happen, and what would happen to the pets left behind.
A couple weeks later Carol came back and suggested we start After The Rapture Pet Care together. She said she had asked several Christian friends the same question she’d asked me, and every one of them would pay for a service to ensure the care of their pets after the Rapture. I had also asked some fellow Christians their thoughts. In every case they wished there was a way to prepare for their pets’ survival. The key was, it had to be a legitimate service run by sincere people, not the Atheist-run joke sites that appear from time to time online. Carol and I were the perfect team for this mission.
While planning our system, we thought about the stories of pet rescues in New Orleans after Katrina. Imagine how many more pets would have been saved if there had been a database of pets and volunteers activated immediately. This is something we could do for Christian owned pets.
With the decision made to create this service, Carol began recruiting other non-Christian animal lovers nationwide to volunteer to take care of left-behind pets if the Rapture occurs. As a Christian, my role has been to put together a program that is Biblically appropriate and provides true value to Christians. I believe we’ve come up with a plan that is affordable, unique, Biblical and practical.
The plan is simple. You pay 10 bucks a month to register up to three pets (see Frequently Asked Questions about more than three pets). We put half that into an FDIC-insured savings account to be untouched either until the Rapture or you cancel your account (such as if your pet passes away before the Rapture). The other half will be used now to handle the expenses of setting up this worldwide network of volunteers, building our comprehensive database, and getting the word out to as many Christian pet owners as possible.
Imagine the Rapture as just a GIANT HURRICANE KATRINA, but the flood waters are hell fire, and I guess the AstroDome is heaven? Not all the kinks have been worked out in this analogy, but hopefully there is still a little time before Jebus comes back and we can work out all the kinks in this analogy!
Meanwhile, for just 10 dollars a month (A MONTH!), here is what you get:
- Volunteers will be alerted immediately by email and telephone that they have been activated.
- Pets will be assigned to one of our Volunteer Caretakers based upon location and other factors.
- Our FDIC-guaranteed funds will be distributed on a pet-by-pet basis to the Volunteer Caretakers for expenses. Volunteer Caretakers agree that they’ll take care of your pets, though, even if these funds run out.
- Volunteer Caretakers will do whatever it takes to find and rescue your pets. If your pet has a location chip, we’ll use that, or we’ll go to every location you’ve registered with us, and if your pets are not at one of those locations, we’ll search for your cars as well as stay in contact with the local pet shelters.
- We stay in touch with our Volunteer Caretakers regarding each and every pet to be sure everything is being done to rescue and care for them.
“Dear volunteer, you know how Jebus came back and the world is engulfed in flames and demons? Time to love someone else’s rheumatic terrier!” It is a good thing that email and telephones will still be operational after the Rapture. Phew. This is just such a good service for such a reasonable not entirely insane and further proof that you have just got to be kidding me with this price!
And here is most of the site’s FAQ, because even though it is long, it is worth it. Just like your pet! I have italicized some of the most important FACTS (because this is real and full of them).
What if the Rapture does not occur while my pet is alive?
It is certainly possible the Rapture will not occur any time soon. Like a thief in the night, we don’t know the day or the hour of His coming. [Ed. note: good analogy!] It’s been over 2,000 years already, and it could be hundreds more. Or it could be tomorrow. Just like life insurance, After The Rapture Pet Care is a way to have peace of mind knowing that IF the Rapture does occur soon, your pets won’t be left alone in a locked house, a fenced yard, or your car. Isn’t a few dollars a month a small investment to ensure the survival of your pet? If your pet passes away, or if you simply do not wish to continue with our program, you can cancel at any time online directly through PayPal without having to jump through hoops.
Can I contact the Volunteer Caretakers in my area?
We have promised our Volunteer Caretakers we will not release their names or information. In general, as non-Christians, they do not wish to be contacted by the Christians within our system because they don’t want to be pressured to convert to Christianity. If we did not have this privacy agreement in place, we would lose 99% of our Volunteer Caretakers. And that is why Carol deals with them, not me. [Ed. note: sure, yes, obviously. Classic Carol.]
Isn’t the world going to be totally collapsed after the Rapture?
When all the Christians on the planet disappear, there will certainly be massive devastation. However, the majority of people will still be on earth, and communications will be their first priority to maintain. Therefore, we believe it will not be a problem to coordinate activities to rescue and care for your pets. As far as the data about all registered pets, it is located on Google servers (the most secure servers in the world) as well as our own server in Lansing, Michigan (away from political and military hot spots to minimize chance of destruction if there is a post-Rapture war). [Ed. note: BOOM GOES THE MINDEMITE!] We also have backups in three other undisclosed cities throughout the United States. The non-Christian administrators assigned to coordinate our efforts after we’re gone are also located in multiple locations, all with log in information.
What kind of pets do you allow?
We welcome you to register any kind of pets you have that are considered domestic animals. Most pets registered are dogs and cats, but our Volunteer Caretakers will care for any animal, fish, bird, reptile or insect that can be taken care of in a residence. Elephants, lions, tigers and bears would require special needs, though [Ed. note: they DEFINITELY would!], so contact us if you’ve got a dangerous or huge animal before registering!
Is this for real?
There are sarcastic joke sites on the Internet about many “after the Rapture” functions, but we are for real.
Unbelievable. Once again, Internet, you have done it. You have done it so hard. (Thanks for the tip, Robin Rubbermaid.)