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He’s back!

Since last week’s Best New Party Game based on this dude was such a fun success, I don’t see why we can’t do it again. Except this week there is a new rule: SEQUELS ONLY. I’ll go first:

Recently, my friend’s father passed away. He has taken it very hard, which is understandable, but now I fear that he blames me for it. We have been fighting constantly, flying through the air and leaving destruction in our wake. To make matters worse, I think that he is in love with my fiance, and he’s using this against me. The other day he could barely even eat his apple pie, he was so excited to rub their relationship in my face. I know that it’s not uncommon for good friends to grow apart over time, but it is making me increasingly upset. And it doesn’t help that I seem to have been infected with some kind of Hate Ooze from outerspace. Some nights, I try to go to a jazz bar and just relax, but if anything, the jazz bars are just making things worse. Everyone hates when I go to jazz bars. Please guide me through this difficult time with my friend, and if the Bible offers any advice on bank robbers made out of sand or Evil Clothing, that would be great. Namaste.

Round 2. FIGHT!

Comments (69)
  1. woozefa  |   Posted on Jan 29th, 2010 +5

    Yo, see, my boy Boogaloo Shrimp, he got probs. There’s this developer and he wants to tear down the dance center! And Boogaloo thinks we can just dance our probs away, by break dancing! I’m getting older, son, and I got real issues: car payments, child support, this damn heroin habit. Please help me and tell me what I can do to get my boy Shrimp to leave me the damn hell alone.

  2. Some bullies make fun of me because of my skin and hair color. They damned my soul. I told them to stop and that I didn’t care and that I am a Christian. They made more fun of me so I told them to stop again.

  3. A developer is trying to bulldoze our community recreation center, several local break dancers, including myself are trying desperately to stop this through the use of our incredible break-dancing skills. Our only problem is that we have yet to find a name for our high-voltage boogaloo… Please help!

  4. Hi,
    I am a pre-teen with a lot of anger. My foster parents are dillweeds and my real mom is a psycho nutjob in a mental institution. It’s like, she was teaching me to be this great “future Resistance” leader and all, but apparently she’s crazy? So am I to not believe that there are humanoid robots from the future coming to kill me? Coming to kill us all?
    Well, I guess a motorcycle guy came for me, sent by me from the future (?), and after dickin around LA, we broke my mom out of the nuthouse. At first she flipped out, but now she’s all revenge insane bloodlust style. And her arms are all crazy, like Madonna’s.
    This big motorcycle guy does what I say, so that’s cool.
    Well, my question is this – if I have to follow this guy if I want to live, only he’s not a real man but a simulacrum, do I have to drink motor oil with him too?

  5. Recently I have been on a mission to do good, helping people who were slaves to machines escape and lead more humble lives, whilst simultaneously wearing leather, knowing kung-fu, and saying “Woah”. However, I always prided myself on being cool, so as to inspire those around me to follow in my po-faced steps, and of late I have lost my mojo. Instead I spend my time sprouting faux-philosophical nonsense and taking a back-seat to convoluted plot holes, needlessly complex effects and an offensively pretentious “Architect”. I ask sincerely for the return of my cool, so I can get back to what I do best, kicking Hugo Weaving’s ass. Thanks

  6. Dear God,
    You remember last time we talked, I had some pretty massive issues surrounding money and a rock band comprised solely of chipmunks. As you know, that all turned out just fine. Now the problem is that 20th Century Fox is looking to solidify its bottom line and we’re going to have to do this all over. Please help!

  7. It’s hard enough being as short as me and my two brothers are, but now our guardian Dave wants us to go to HIGH SCHOOL? Is he crazy? It’s all we can do to not get stepped on in the hall on the way to history class, let alone playing football. Like, are you serious, Dave? Are you trying to put us all in danger? Thankfully, I’m confident that my natural charm and our collective ability to harmonize on catchy relevant pop music will carry us through and make us big men (rodents) on campus. Maybe we’ll even catch the eyes of that female trio with the fondness for Beyonce. My faith is what is carrying me through this trying time.

  8. I’m in need of some guidance. While the lord has been there for me in the past I’m facing a new challenger and I’m not sure how to win. I’m coaching a team of young hockey players who have proven themselves in the past to be victourious against all odds. However, this year we are facing team Iceland which is full of large viking-like warriors. Should i follow the lords advice and use the flying V strategy that has proven successful in the past or pray for a new stratgey?
    -Bombay

  9. Dear God,
    I just found out that my kids are involved in illegal activity with the grandson of the bully that used to terrorize my own father in high school, or rather…they WILL be involved…it’s complicated. I’m going to try to take care of it myself without you – hopefully nothing goes wrong!
    Thanks but no thanks!
    MM

  10. My parents left me at on my own for the second year in a row as they went on vacation. While I realize that this seems incredibly irresponsible and warrants a call to Chile Protective Services, nobody seemed all that concerned. I spent most of my christmas living in a 5-star hotel billed to my dad’s Mastercard, before hanging out with an old homeless lady and playing around an unattended construction site. In yet another coincidence, I was assaulted by two men who, despite being arrested fewer than 12 months ago, were released from prison and in the very same city as i was! I blame the over-crowed Illinois prison system! I managed to cartoonishly maim these two fugitives and escape intact, but now my Dad is slight annoyed that I racked up a hotel and room service bill at the height of the tourist season well in excess of $24,000. Please Help!

  11. Hello. I recently started my first week of college. Things were going great until some fellow students fed my mother baked goods with drugs in them. Let me tell you, she went CRAZY. My girlfriend is not at school with me and it is tough. She’s not even that hot. In fact, she’s kind of nasty. But everyone seems to think she’s the hottest girl on the planet. There’s this other hot girl here at school who seems really in to me. But I’m not interested. Also, she is a robot. My life is very hectic. From here on out, it gets pretty confusing. There’s some stuff in China that doesn’t involve me but somehow does. And then I went to Egypt with the US Military. I fell down in the desert and hurt my hand so now it is bandaged. I died and went to heaven. I think. But I was resurrected because the franchise necessitated it. I don’t know, after I left campus, things got really confusing. I just want to lead a normal college life with my girlfriend and I also want the world to be safe. Please help. Thanks.

  12. I’m a dog, and I’m great at basketball. Last year, my pal Josh pointed out that the junior high basketball rule book doesn’t have a rule prohibiting dogs on the basketball team, so I joined and led our team to victory! Now it turns out I’m good at football too, so I joined that team as well. But then I was kidnapped by Russians! Luckily Josh’s mom’s new boyfriend knew what to do and rescued me, so I’m back on the team!! So I just wanted to say thanks God, for granting me these gifts. But here’s the thing, it’s almost soccer season, and I’m a little confused about the rules. Do my paws count as hands or feet? I don’t want to get any penalties!

  13. You won’t believe my luck. After being trapped on bus that can’t go below 50 MPH without exploding with Keanu Reeves, miraculously surviving, only to get captured and held hostage on a train that has no brakes, I end up on BOAT that can’t slow down with Jason Patric! Why does God keep punishing me?

  14. I’m an architect living in California. My wife passed on a few years back and since then life has been rough, as I had to raise 3 boys on my own. Recently I met a woman in a similar situation, she has 3 daughters and is also a widow, and I plan to marry her. What does the church say about remarriage and do you think this will work, since I have more than a hunch that it will.
    -Mike

  15. woozefa  |   Posted on Jan 29th, 2010 +3

    So I’m a little less crazy, but I still live out at the beach with my dog. Had to rescue my partner off the toilet because someone planted a bomb there while he was taking a shit. I’m scarred now, because I’m a masculine guy and I’ve seen his nuts. Can you help me get past this? What would Jesus do in this case?

  16. I really need the Lord’s help. I’ve been seeing my dead Grandfather a lot lately. He’s been warning me of Goblins that want to turn me and my family into plants and eat us. He’s doing his best to help me, but it’s difficult. Should I trust him? Is this God telling me to combat Satan and his evil forces? My family is acting strangely, and my Dad seems to have no clue what’s going on. Any advice you can give me would be helpful. Yours from Nilbog.
    P.S. This has absolutely nothing to do with the letter I wrote you before.

  17. I’ve recently skipped to Miami to due to some mistakes I’ve made that I’d soon like to forget. I’ve already met some interesting people (one who oddly resembles a very famous rapper), and they’ve affectionately begun to refer to me as ‘Bullet’. I race, er, drive cars you see. ANYWAY, I was busted by some U.S customs agents afer destroying the competition in a street car race, and was blackmailed into working undercover (as a street racer) for a South American drug lord. I came to Miami to avoid situations like this, but the street racing scene is just too hot right now to remove myself from it. I still have nightmares about the 5 foot bald man that I let get away. Suggestions?

  18. woozefa  |   Posted on Jan 29th, 2010 +2

    Hi, been listening to your show for years, mostly while I’m grading papers. My question: what do I do with these damn Shankara Stones? The museum won’t take them!

  19. I’ve got a problem. I’m a troubled youth who has gotten into trouble with illegal car races, and has had to move over the U.S. with my mother. After a particularly dangerous race against the kid from Home Improvement, I was shipped to Japan. The problem is, for some reason all they do is drift race. They even drift when they are trying to escape danger, when it would be so much easier just to drive really fast in a straight line. I messed with the girlfriend of a mafia-connected asshole, and now the Yakuza’s after me. Please send Vin Diesel.

  20. Recently, I realized that if I set my mind free, I could accomplish great things. I was excited about my new potential – free of the shackles of the warm liquid goo phase of an incubated life, I felt as though I was finally connected with my true self. I was whole. I was One. I started dressing in all black, which got me lots of attention from women that weren’t my wife. I kissed one that many people considered to be far more attractive.

    I quickly learned that my new path was leading me away from those I loved. One morning I woke up alone on a subway platform (don’t ask). Well not alone. There was this east-Indian computer family there. They taught me about love and karma. Computer love and karma.

    Anyway, some sketchy business deals fell through and once again I was stranded far away from my friends (who also dressed all in black). The keys to life were hidden from me and I had to go to great lengths to get them back (using an oversized ax).

    My new direction in life confused lots of people who were previously really excited about the path I was on. “Huh?” they would say. “What?” I’d hear them cry. It’s not that people weren’t trying though: “I think I get it… wait, nope, lost it”. What must I do? How do I arrive at a conclusion that delivers on my once great promise? Would a sensual 8 minute tribal dance sequence help? Please help. Baking cookies seems to work.

  21. Hello again. I emailed in some time ago because I was having issues with succumbing to the thrill of breaking the law for personal enjoyment and an overall adrenaline rush. You may or may not recall, but I just couldn’t help but go out at night and drive both quickly, and wildly. Needless to say I’m still seeking guidance on this problem, as I still go out and race all the time; some might even say that I’m more speedy and crazy than before. Even more brisk and irrational. Velocious and vehement. Too fast and too furious. But enough with the synonyms; hopefully you get the idea. Thanks in advance!

  22. I’m in quite a pickle and was hoping for your guidance. My friend Marcus and I are partners on the Tactical Narcotics Team (TNT) in Miami, Florida. I’ve secretly started dating my partner’s sister, Syd. As if that weren’t enough, Marcus and I recently discovered a drug kingpin’s plot to corner the ecstasy market in North America. What we didn’t realize was that Syd was actually working undercover for the DEA, for that exact same kingpin. Now that Marcus and I have blown her cover (long story), the kingpin has kidnapped her and still plans to corner the ecstasy market. Please Help!

  23. So we still have this dead guy with us, only now he’s had a voodoo curse placed on him and can walk whenever music is played. We also managed to get him through customs and were able to transport a decaying corpse in the cargo hold of a commercial airliner with zero problem from the authorities despite the fact that we are traveling along a well known drug highway, Lucky us! We’re having a lot of trouble thinking of new ways to make this dead guy seem likable, because in reality we are re-living events that just occurred, but now we are in a tropical setting… Please Help!

  24. Greetings to you, Christian God. I do not necessarily believe in you but your son is a prophet of my religion as well so you may be able to help. You see, I recently banished an evil sorcerer and his parrot with an extremely irritating voice from my girlfriend’s kingdom. Additionally, I performed the self-less deed of freeing my friend (I’d never had one like him) from years of slavery so that he could see the world. I found peace for a time but recently things have taken a turn for the worse. My girlfriend’s dad wants me to enter the family business and that cursed bird has escaped from his vessel. He says he has changed his ways but I remain skeptical. Also, there is a short, fat, bumbling man (who may actually be a Jew from New York) who’s mind is being poisoned by the evil sorcerer who has become an ifrit. They have framed me for the death of my girlfriend’s father and now I am in the dungeon awaiting execution. What should I do? Any guidance would be appreciated. -Al

  25. I am a wealthy and famous man living in a big city, unfortunately I’ve been having a hard time connecting with people since my parents were killed in front of me when I was a child. Because of this, I have decided to use my vast fortune to take the law into my own hands and become a masked vigilante. At first it was great! I was putting criminals behind bars and working with the police chief to really make a difference, then, all of a sudden, everything changed. This guy decided to …I don’t want to say copy me, but now he’s dressing up too, but instead of fighting crime he’s committing crimes! And he’s crazy! Now he’s working with the mafia to kill me and I just don’t know what to do. Please write back quickly, as I now have to go save my childhood sweetheart from a warehouse. Yeah, he did that too. Please help!?

  26. I am a first time writer asking for help. You see, it was recently that I met my future instructor who revealed to me that I’m not as young as it seems and that I have a spirit of light that flows through me, as does he. He taught me how to use swords, which is weird, but I picked up on it very quickly. After his passing, I was confronted by a person who says that he knows my secret and wants my power. I cut off his head. Anyway, I’m now being told that I’m not actually human, which doesn’t make any sense. Please help! I’m so confused!

  27. I recently won a local karate tournament, and since then things have really digressed with my girlfriend. To take my mind off the situation, my karate instructor and father figure traveled with me to the village he grew up in Japan. His father is very ill so I was hopeful to convert him before he died to burn in hell. However, bad weather set in and a local bully kept picking fights with me. How can I ensure that the same fate doesn’t befall my Shinto practicing friend and mentor. On the bright side, I can punch through 8 sheets of ice, bagged the local talent, and picked up a neat drum souvenir.

  28. I’m having some MAJOR problems in my life. My parents just found out that I was going to take my girlfriend to the lake this weekend. How did they know? The thing is, they seem OK with the idea. Now I’m really confused! My friend, who is an old, crazy man (what a goof ball), took me and my girlfriend on this road-trip. We ended up in a place that was familiar, but totally different from the town I grew up in.
    Here is where I’m having a lot of trouble. First I found out that I have a screw-up son. I didn’t even know I had kids! Then I was fired for doing business with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. My past life is really catching up with me. When we had been in town for less than 10 minutes, our car was stolen! It was returned to us, but the damage was already done.
    I travelled back to my old friend’s house and tried to explain what had happened, but he thought he had already taken care of the issue. It was so much worse than he thought! He helped me get back to my home town, but the choices I had made ended up affecting my whole family. My mom is an alcoholic, my step dad is trying to kill me, and my girlfriend is no where to be seen!
    I wish I could just go back and change all the mistakes I’ve made, but it seems like I’ll never get out of this trouble. Can Jesus help me fix my life? I feel like I just don’t have the capacitor for it!

  29. My name is Peter and I’ve really been battling some demons as of late. A quick histroy; some colleagues and I started a business a few years back. It went quite well but, we ran into some trouble after we all crossed the streams, if you know what I mean. There was a sticky situation and we went our separate ways. However, we were brought back together by my ex-girlfriend after there was an attempted kidnapping of her child. You know, I ain’t afraid of no ghost, holy or otherwise, but what should I do to defeat Vigo the Carpathian? I mean, we can sing Auld Lang Syne in the Statue of Liberty all day, but until New Yorkers overcome their hostility for one another, what should I do?

  30. Hi,

    I’ve just woken up from a long nap after losing my entire mining crew due to the unforeseen result of a bug getting onto our ship. Long story short, I’m kind of an expert on this bug, even though I don’t know that much. Now the corporation I work for has teamed up with a bunch of mercenaries/marines to return to the place we first found the bug in case the infestation has taken over another local business there.

    Long story short, there are a lot more bugs this time and I’ve got to make sure they never harm anybody again. Also, I found a little orphan girl. I’m having very maternal instincts towards this orphan and I hope to use her to fill a void in my life. Can you suggest anyway to save her and make sure these bugs never hurt anybody again?

  31. Hi, I volunteer at a museum and the immigrant in charge of restoration keeps hitting on me. I don’t know if it’s cultural or whatever, but he doesn’t get the hint that I’m not into him. But he’s like dead set on creating a life with me. The worst part is that he wants to co-parent my son after he’s possesed by the Scourge of Carpathia. What should I do? It’s not like the guy who wants to be reborn in my son’s body was a good guy. He sat on mountain of skulls in a castle of pain for pete’s sake! There is definitely something strange in my neighborhood. Who should I call?

  32. I am having a bit of trouble and I’m wondering if you could help. You see, approximately 11 months ago, I was involved in a major event, and since then, I’ve become a bit of a celebrity. I normally work undercover in law enforcement, but my newfound fame has resulted in my cover being repeatedly blown, often in the middle of major operations. My employer decided to capitalize on this by reducing my job to basically advertising for the agency. On top of this, my boyfriend recently dumped me. However, a recent opportunity presented itself when one of my former colleagues, a beauty pageant contestant, got into some trouble in Las Vegas. I would like to help her out by once again going undercover at the beauty pageant, but I’m afraid that if I do, my employer will disapprove! Please help me!

  33. The pixelbleed at the beginning of this SCARES THE ASS OFF OF ME

    Like, I have less ass now.

  34. Dear God,

    This time I am actually going to kill him, and no amount of asian stunt people, former cast members of Alley McBeal, or guns in cereal boxes can stop me. You’ll have to bury me alive.

    Seriously, I have a very sharp sword, and if I ever meet you, it WILL cut you.

    Sincerely,
    Beatrix

  35. I have trust issues. I began to notice this sometime after I lost my parents and brother, and I found myself very alone. I didn’t want to get close to anyone because I thought they would die too. My trust issues are so bad that I have to hide in ventilation ducts and sleep in garbage, because I think anyone–anything–could hurt me. So you can imagine how hard it was for me when a social worker named Ripley showed up one day at my home with a dozen soldiers. The soldiers have chunky guns and lots of tattoos, and there was a girl soldier who had spikey hair that I thought was cool to see on a girl and not on a boy! They want me to come with them because they say it is safer. They say they can help me. But what do they know? Do you think I should learn to trust in others like in Jesus? How do I believe in a just God when so many bad things have happened, for instance, the slimy thing that came out of my mom’s chest? That looked like a boney hand? I have to go because Ripley wants to give me a sponge bath (I haven’t bathed in a few months), which sounds a little weird and uncomfortable! Love, Newt

  36. About 3 months ago my girlfriend told me that she was pregnant, however I don’t believe that I am the father, however her and her recently released from prison little sister have been coming to my house and place of employment and have gone so far as to throw a brick through the front windshield of my brand new BMW. I thought that when my father was blessed to have won the lottery and move us out of South Central LA that these problems were in my past. To make matters even worse, my cousin Craig has recently moved into our house and not only has he caused quite a commotion with our Latino gangster neighbors, he has managed to get my fired from my job at Pinky’s record store. As a loving and god fearing Christian I am asking for guidance in these troubled times, as my usual form of guidance (smoking marijuana) has gotten me nowhere but duct taped to a chair with my late-90′s-white-stoner-stereotype co-worker. HELP!

  37. I worry that I have behaved unforgivably. My friends and I have sought out, befriended and filmed ourselves having premarital intercourse with some of the world’s horniest grannies fifteen times now. They recently told me that they want me to participate in a sixteenth outing. We tell ourselves that no one is being hurt, but I know that our behavior is wrong. How do I tell my friends that I want out, and cleanse myself of this sin?

  38. I?m too busy to play the BNPG (sad face), but I?d like to confess how much I LOL?ed till I cried @ pray for my cousin Carlton and Uncle Phil. Like tears in my eyes. You crazy for this one, prank caller.

    Next time I go to the UK this will totally happen to Revelation TV (by me).

  39. I hope you can help me. It started out as a pretty normal week. I was running through the Kobiyashi Maru with some trainees, taking it easy (sleeping with hot alien chicks, packing weight like I was on fat’s payroll, the usual). We were responding to a distress call when out of nowhere, my ship was attacked by another Federation starship, and I was all, what the what?
    And on top of that, it turns out the ship was being commanded by my old nemesis, who had implanted these mind-control eel things in the ears of my old crewmates, and who (full disclosure) I may or may not have stranded on a random planet some 15 years prior, which may have kind of lead to the death of his wife when that planet’s ecosystem was destroyed ten minutes after I dumped them there. Bygones, right? No. This guy is no Christian.
    So here I am, trying to put this all behind us and move on with my awesome life. But this guy, he just has this, like, wrath. How can I handle this situation and still be Christlike?

  40. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. Largely because I was dead, but I got better. It was the craziest resurrection story since, well, you know. I behaved terribly badly in a previous life. I was a criminal and a murderer and some even called me a rapist. I was condemned and punished for my actions. My heart was racing when I faced these allegations and eventually, I died. So nobody was more surprised than me when I found myself alive. Sort of. I regained consciousness only to realize that I had lost all heart. I am desperate to get back what I lost, but I often feel that time is running out and that I need to accelerate the wattage at which I must operate in order to live. Please help me find the answers.

    Sincerely,
    Chev

  41. Dear God, It?s me Hermione. Thank you for the boobs.

  42. Dear God,
    I went on this river rafting trip with some friends of mine and was anally raped by hillbillies. Does that make me gay?

  43. [insert explanation of what the fuck happened in Oceans 12 here]

  44. YOU GUYS! THEY ARE READING EMAILS LIVE RIGHT NOW: http://talkgod.tv/Revelation_TV

  45. I have never been a dog person, but for the sake of my family’s happiness I finally got used to my family’s giant, mischievous Saint Bernard. Now I find out that my dog is the father of a brood of puppies. I just don’t think that I can handle any more dogs, financially or emotionally. But my children are attached to these pups, and they seem to think that the woman who is willing to adopt them from us is a very bad person. I have already done so much for these puppies and for my family. I even competed in a hot dog eating contest, which resulted in so much vomit and discomfort. What should I do? I seek your spiritual counsel. I really don’t want my children to resent me any more than they already do.

  46. I was a young cocky SOB runnin’ the mean streets of New York. Everything was going well for me, but I found that no matter how much money I made, I’d never be rich. Then one day, some scraggly old dude showed up at my house, looking like he just got out of jail. He was sitting on my couch when I got home, and he was wearing one of my robes and smoking a cigar. Who is this dude? Is he here to teach me something, or help me in some way? The only answer I’ve gotten out of him so far is this cryptic message: “Money Never Sleeps.” I don’t even know what that means! Can you help me?

  47. Alright, look. I know I’m not the first teenager to come to you with my problems. These years are so hard for us with our changing bodies, wildly emotional mood swings, and our animalistic hormones just clawing to get out of us. It leaves us feeling isolated ? like we’re the only ones this has ever happened to. Maybe it’s just a lack of fresh sunlight due to my location, but I gotta say, I’m really feeling bizarre and out of control these days. Different. Lonely. Angry. And this could be just a result of family pressure, but I have recently developed a severe dislike of shirts. And of flying pale-skinned kids. What’s happening to me? I just get so Youdamned pissed at fucking everything that I don’t even trust myself to be around the girl I’m in love with. WTF! Please help.
    -Shirtless near Seattle

  48. A while back I was put in a life threatening situation due to my involvement in a Mexican crime syndicate. In order to stay alive I had to do many shameful and ridiculous things. To make a long story short: I was dead… but I got better. Now my heart has been replaced with an artificial battery powered one, and i have only 60 minutes to live. I wanted to ask god if I should try to stay alive by having lots of public sex and getting in gun fights (i’ve already gotten in two) or go and see a doctor like a real person? Thank you.

  49. Four years ago I visited a secluded island unlike any on the planet. For on that island dinosaurs roamed the fields. It was an adventure to say the least, but then my girlfriend went and got herself on another island with dinosaurs (seriously?) and I had to go for the chance to get her off…the island that is. Unfortunately my child also stowed away and now we are stuck here with a rival team who are hellbent on collecting samples and hunting the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Cause who wouldn’t want to do that really? Probably the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. We have been through quite a trial already and all of this dinosaur talk has got me wondering, why did you let them come back? They are crazy!

  50. I’m a teenager who’s recently lost his mother and I could really use some guidance. Now my father has decided to move closer to the rest of our extended family, ostensibly for support and to help salvage my Pop Pop’s troubled business. Pop Pop is in jail now, but that’s an entirely different matter.
    Since getting to know our extended family a little better, I have encountered my biggest problem. I’m hopelessly in love with my female cousin. I’m sure this must be a sin (though maybe not in France), but I don’t know where else to turn. We have to share a room due to space constraints!
    And to top it off, her father (my uncle) acts entirely innappropriately towards me, and men in general. Please help!

  51. I recently graduated from high school and began my collegiate career at prestigious Hamilton University. I’m really looking forward to being on my own for once, but I can’t seem to shake this nagging problem, one that’s been a thorn in my family’s side for generations. You see, whenever my temper flares up or I get excited, I develop certain lupine tendencies. It’s very inconvenient, but also sometimes (rarely) comical. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain athletic advantages to this genetic malady (my cousin Scott is quite good at basketball, for example) but on the whole I’m having trouble controlling it, and my friends miss the old (non-lycanthropic) me. I’m beginning to think I’ve made a huge mistake.

  52. i forgot the fresh prine was black

  53. I had recently been convalescing after a traumatic trip abroad when I began to feel I had lost my direction in life. Because of some unfortunate property damage, I owed a great debt to my former employers; although I said they could bill me, they offered to let me work it off instead. They wanted me to work as a contractor with a squad of marines, and accompany them to a remote location. I agreed, but I still don’t know if their offer was a blessing or a curse.

    The marines were condescending toward me at first, but were impressed when I showed them I could do some heavy lifting. I’m not the kind of girl who’s content to be a backseat driver; I grab the wheel and do what needs to be done. I have trouble accepting one of the group, although he is a man of the cloth (a bishop, in fact). I once knew a man much like him who betrayed my trust. At the same time, this bishop has given me new hope in life. I pray that he will be able to bombard this location with the word of God (it’s the only way to be sure).

    Now I am facing a dilemma. I’m no racist, but I admit that I hate the locals in this area. They are inhuman and cruel; at times I swear they must have acid instead of blood. There has been much violence during their close encounters with my friends. But there is a orphan girl here, so frightened of the natives that she hides under the buildings like a little lizard. A local mother wants to steal her and make the girl part of her brood. I want to rescue her, but I might put my friends in danger if I enrage the local population. I have two questions, one about the girl and one about the mother. Should I adopt this orphan, even if it puts the bishop’s good work at risk? Secondly, about the mother: can the grace of God help me send this ice-cold bitch straight to hell?

  54. Hey Christ TV, I need help with a situation. I have to live with a bunch of new people for the month and one guy is just the worst. I think he may have self-esteem issues. All he does is exercise at the gym, tan and pound out ugly girls. He’s such a man whore! Everyday its the same thing. He makes everyone in the house upset, he even called me fat! Can you help me pray for the strength to deal with his foolery?

  55. My parents died in a car accident when I was just a baby. As long as I can remember I’ve lived with my aunt and uncle and their son. My aunt and uncle hate me and my cousin is constantly hitting me. They all treat me like I’m some kind of freak and I wish someone would come and take me away. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I feel like no one will ever understand me. I deal abnormally well for someone who has been abused and ignored his entire life but most recently my uncle has kept a letter that was addressed to me. He wouldn’t let me look at it and he threw it away. I’ve never gotten a letter before. Is is possible that the letter he is keeping is something important? (sigh) It’s probably just junk-mail.
    -Harry

  56. After destroying a nuclear plant, I decided to quit the Navy and went into seclusion. My girlfriend left me, so, confused with the ways of the Lord, I became a buddhist for a while. One day Colonel W. (I won’t mention his name for protection) asked me to go on another mission. This one was a doozie. I had to rescue a rescue party who’d been sent there to rescue a recue party who had been taken hostages in Iraq! At first I didn’t want to go, but something wonderful happened. My ex was there too! We rekindled our romance, but then I found out she was married! And her husband was one of the hostages! In the end, after briefly recconnecting with my dad in the river, my ex’s husband fell to his death. I sit now wondering what should I do. How long should I wait before asking her on a date again? I have faith that you can solve this for me. Thank you.

  57. Hello, I am a wife and mother of two children. We live in Bullet Park, Ossinning, which is just an adorable suburb of New York. I used to be a model in Manhattan and then my husband came along and we got married. I can’t say my husband has been entirely faithful to me, he had some extramarital liaisons with other women, which was tawdry, if you ask me, but I forgave him because I was pregnant. At this posh party my husband and I attended recently I met a gentleman who works for Governor Rockefeller and sparks flew. Moreover, I lost my father whose health had deteriorated over the season. I’m not sure what to feel anymore because I’ve learned some devastating truths about my husband. I may be suffering from post-natal depression, and President Kennedy’s assassination has just been the icing on the cake. It’s been a really tough year for me and I’m not sure what to do. Should I divorce my husband and marry this man whom I’ve met only six times? I ask our Lord to give me strength. Thank you.

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