What is happening in Haiti right now is a human tragedy on a scale that is difficult to comprehend. I read in the New York Times this weekend that 150,000 bodies have been buried? We live in a sad and meaningless world of pain and suffering. Obviously, this badly damaged country needs a lot of help in the recovery process, but, no offense, it doesn’t need John Travolta’s help, or the help of his Scientology friends. From the AP:

John Travolta is flying to Haiti with earthquake relief.

The 55-year-old actor and avid pilot plans to fly one of his private jets from Florida to Haiti on Monday night, according to Travolta’s spokesman, Paul Bloch. The “Pulp Fiction” star will be joined by his actress-wife Kelly Preston, several doctors and Church of Scientology ministers, as well as relief supplies. Travolta and Preston will then return to the U.S.

Travolta took his first flying lesson when he was 15.

Obviously, the desire to actually DO something to help out in a crisis is noble (kind of, although one always wonders just what the Scientologists plan to do. “We’re going to need a couple million E-meters if we’re going to audit all of the survivors for thetans”). But the country needs professional help from teams familiar with crisis management and large scale disaster, not two bronzer-slathered fake-married celebrities who don’t believe in medicine, or whatever. And it DEFINITELY doesn’t need Church of Scientology ministers. Why can’t John Travolta just text HAITI to 90999 like the rest of us. If he really wants to do something to help, he can text HAITI to 90999 a few hundred thousand times.

The only hope I have from this whole thing is that the Pulitzer Prize Committee sees this article. Because that last sentence in an article about a Haiti relief effort, however misguided or self-serving, deserves all of them.

Comments (35)
  1. Is “flying lesson” in the article in reference to joining the Church of Scientology? Cuz you know they can fly right?

  2. Hey Haiti. We give you our tired (of bad moviemaking), our poor (in spirit), our hungry (for bon homme, our huddled mass (of useless wealth)? We HATE-YE!

  3. What the heck is he thinking, taking that lace front wig in the water? Those things are expensive.

  4. Something tells me we’re not pulling a Jeff Dunham on this one.

    • I have to downvote you because we are now living in the post-Conan-Tonight-Show era, where cynicism is abolished. We have to keep believing that we can help the world be a better place, and if we work hard and are kind, amazing things will happen.

  5. Gabe, don’t you know that the only people that can help in an earthquake are Scientologists? Provided there are no gayz around, of course.

  6. Well SOMEBODY has to audit for thetans, those buggers are nasty!

  7. From Paris with Love again to Haiti.

  8. Tom Cruise was invited, but declined, in case there were gay people there.

  9. You’ve got it all wrong Gabe… This is the re-shoot for the Wild hogs sequel. Wild Hogs 2: Aftershocks.

  10. A Beatles man would have more sense than this.

  11. Well we know who’s bound to follow now…

  12. L. Ron Hubbard works in mysterious ways.

  13. I guess Kirstie Ally got into a twitter fight (is there a specific word for that? twitter-down? tweet-off?) with some dude over this issue, sort of.

    Also, maybe Travolta could donate his massive toupee collection to needy Haitians who lost their hair in the Earthquake. That would be just about as useful as a plane-ful of Scientologists.

  14. L. Ron Hubbard works in mysterious ways.

  15. Want some bacon?
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

  16. Well, at least this: “The jet carried four tons of ready to eat meals and medical supplies for Haiti victims.” That sounds impressive and very helpful. I haven’t read much of him shoving Scientology down anyone’s throat in Haiti, and let’s hope it stays that way.

    • Yeah, as much as Scientology (and let’s face it, all religion) is basically the worst. I would think access to a jet, even if it is owned by a delusional multi-millionaire, would be a good thing.

  17. I hate links as much as the next guy, but the link below explains some of Scientology’s “relief” efforts, as they have responded to several tragedies in the past. Included in these efforts are “Nerve Assists,” which is a back massage which, “if performed properly, will dislodge the ‘standing wave’ of trauma” any Haitian may feel. Or how about “Locational Assists,” where Scientologists point to things, make you look at them, and then say “thank you.” It may seem harmless, but the CoS is there to do the same thing they always do: brainwash. And that’s just sickening. Even if they brought some medical experts or a couple tons of food, I guarantee you that plate comes with some auditing. (by the way, this article isn’t exactly neutral, but it gets the point across)

    • what.the.fuck. thank you for that link.

      fav part: “Touch Assists”: Scientologists descended on India in the wake of the Tsunami to save lives with “touch assists,” which, according to this Washington Post story, consisted of a mechanic from Michigan touching people and saying “feel my finger” over and over and over again.

  18. He’s actually going down to film Battlefield Earth: The Wrath of Xenu.

  19. It’s very “Team America: World Scientologists”

  20. I think this was the inspiration behind Jay Leno’s decision to ship himself to Port-Au-Prince in his 1955 Packard Caribbean so he can host a new discounted-admission comedy tour he thought up called “Don’t You Haiti When…”

    • “Don’t you Haiti when an awesome disaster hits an impoverished country just when you have a bazillion dollars and some free time on your hands; then right as you’re about to charitable deed your way to sainthood, the Scientologists stick their fat fingers all over the place?”

  21. This is not the first time Britney’s spoken in a British accent.

  22. The people of Haiti made a deal with Xenu, to drive out the French. And they’ve been paying for it ever since. They only need to audit themselves, free themselves of the thetans, and then they will be able to recover as a nation.
    The Dominican Republic has been auditing themselves for years, and they are a comparatively prosperous nation, with dozens of resorts.

  23. John Travolta: You see, as the Chinese say, “150,000 bodies buried in a tragic earthquake in Haiti” is another word for “opportunity.”

  24. Travolta took his first flying lesson when he was 15.

    And the AP staffer who wrote this article earned his first Pulitzer when he was whatever age he was when he wrote that sentence.

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