Scott Baio walked into a bar.

“Hey,” the bartender said, “we don’t serve your kind here.”

“This is America, pal!” Scott Baio said. As if what the bartender had said was, “Hey, this isn’t America!”

Scott Baio sat down at the bar, but now the bartender was pointedly ignoring him. Scott Baio knew what this was about, of course. A few days earlier, he had posted an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama on his Twitter account, with the caption, “WOW he wakes up to this every morning.” Since then, he had been receiving death threats and being called all sorts of names. But Scott Baio was not concerned. He knew what type of person he was, and what was in his heart. And he knew that if people just got to know him, they would stop telling him that he should go kill himself.

“Hey, buddy, come here,” Scott Baio said to the bartender. “I want to show you something.”

The bartender reluctantly turned around, and he saw that Scott Baio was pulling out his wallet.

Scott Baio’s wallet was a simple black leather number, with a billfold, and a fold-out windowpane holder for his driver’s license, his credit cards, his health insurance card, his Blockbuster card, his Lord and Taylor card, his Jimmy John’s punchcard, his Blimpies punchcard, and a photo of a black guy he tore out of a magazine. The photo featured a muscular black guy in a black t-shirt and sunglasses with his arms crossed leaning against a car. Scott Baio couldn’t even remember what magazine he had torn the photo from, but that photo now went with him everywhere. It was folded in half, and the crease was becoming soft and overworn, and sometimes Scott Baio feared that the photo of a black guy that he carried around in his wallet would rip in half. For awhile, he considered having the photo of a black guy scanned and reprinted and laminated so that it would not tear, but he realized that in the worst case scenario, he could just find another picture of a black guy in another magazine and carry that picture around. Although, he wasn’t sure what kind magazine he would have to get to find such a picture. Probably Black Monthly, right? He would cross that bridge when he came to it.

Scott Baio pulled out the picture of a black guy and he flattened with gently against the bar. “Now let me ask you something,” he said to the bartender. “Would a racist carry around a picture of a black guy in his wallet?”

The bartender stared at Scott Baio.

“It’s OK,” Scott Baio said. “I understand that judging others is an easy way for people to make themselves feel better. I get it. But before you judge, you should do your research, man. Apology accepted.”

“But I didn’t apologize,” the bartender said.

Scott Baio laughed long and hard. “Look, man, the Hollywood rumor mill is a crazy thing, take it from a pro who knows first hand. But as you can see, I have a picture of a black guy, which I keep in my wallet at all times. So. How about a Jaegerbomb.”

“Look, Scott Baio, when you walked in here, I didn’t think you were racist. I definitely read about the Twitter thing, but I think posting an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama is just unfunny, kind of mean, and possibly in bad taste for a public figure, not racist. As you should have been able to see from the Obama campaign sign in the window, and the rainbow flag sticker on the door, this is a politically progressive bar with a firm believe in equal rights for all human beings, and since you are such a vocal supporter of the right wing, I simply didn’t want someone with whom I so vehemently disagree on the direction in which our society should be heading to drink in my bar. That was what I meant. But now that you have taken a picture of a black guy out of your wallet as proof that you are not racist, I am starting to think that you actually are really, really racist.”

Scott Baio sat in silence for a minute. Then he pushed the picture of the black guy closer to the bartender, thinking maybe if he just got a better look at the picture, then he would see what Scott Baio was talking about. But the bartender pushed the photo back towards him and shook his head. “No, Scott Baio,” the bartender said.

This was ridiculous. It was time to pull out the big guns. “Look, buddy, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this. I’m just trying to get a Jaegerbomb. But now you’ve made it personal, and I am taking it as my personal mission in life to prove to you that I’m not racist.”

“The thing is, Scott Baio, that is not a proof I ever asked you to ma–”

“MY WIFE’S BEST FRIEND IS BLACK!” Scott Baio said perhaps a little more loudly than he had intended. But then he leaned back on his stool with a satisfied look on his face. He made a “boom” gesture with his hands, and then folded his arms and waited for the apologies to come rolling in. There was silence in the bar. “I’VE MET HER A BUNCH OF TIMES! JAEGERBOMB ME!”

The bartender sighed. “Scott Baio, you are making me deeply uncomfortable. Please just get out of my bar.”

“Would a racist have been able to direct episodes of The Wayans Broth–”

“Please, Scott Baio, that is more than enough.”

Scott Baio glared at the bartender as he gently and oh so carefully refolded the picture of the black guy and tucked it back into his wallet, which he then closed and put into his back pocket. Scott Baio placed both hands on the bar and slowly pushed himself back, and then he stood staring at the bartender.

“Me and LaTrondo will take our business elsewhere,” Scott Baio said. LaTrondo was the name that he had given the black guy in the picture he carried in his wallet. It seemed like a very black name to him, and one that obviously would prove that he was not racist, since racists, Scott Baio was sure, had no idea what were realistic sounding black names to make up.

He made the heil-Hitler hand gesture. “Fight the power!” And then Scott Baio walked out into the molasses-dark night.

Comments (48)
  1. That guy is Bob Loblawful.

  2. OMG, now I am imagine Scott Baio saying Boom! Roasted and let me tell you, it is sublime.

  3. Is “No, Scott Baio” the “No, David Blane” of 2010?

    Follow-up question: Can it be?

  4. Sorry to double post, but on the serious tip, does anyone else remember that episode of Oprah from like many years ago, where they were talking about racism and this middle-aged white woman in the audience stood up and proclaimed she could not be racist because her son’s best man at his wedding was black? And Oprah shouted at her, that is the reason we are here! or something like that. Anyhoo, it was soooo uncomfortable that I remember it after all these years, and I really just want Oprah to drive to Scott Baio’s house and shout at him.

    • I do remember that! I think of it every time someone starts a sentence with “I’m not racist because…”
      See also: the time Oprah said she isn’t homophobic because her make-up artist is gay.

      • People need to understand that racism rarely has anything to do with hatred or dislike… you can like someone or be friends with them and still think you are superior to them or that they don’t have as many rights as you. It’s like an old guy believing that women should stay in the kitchen and not be allowed to vote, then saying, “Hey, I’m not sexist! I was married to a woman! My daughters are women!” And he probably doesn’t hate women, either, but that’s no excuse.

        Viewing every racist as a hate-filled Klan member only creates a smokescreen over the real, subtler issues of racism. I don’t think what Baio said was racist, but his response could have been better… something along the lines of “Are you out of your mind? I may be a jerk, but how does this make me a racist?”

  5. Who knew Scott Baio was a student at the Jay Leno School of “Comedy?”

  6. Another celebrity proves himself to be prone to bad judgement calls and less than tactful when questioned about them.
    What are the odds?

  7. The LaTrondo part cracked me up.

  8. Tom Cruise and Scott Baio Make Plans
    Fan Fiction in One Act

    Tom Cruise: “Scott Baio, would you like to go out for ice cream, if there are no gay people there?”
    Scott Baio: “Only if there are black people there!”
    (awkward, uncomfortable silence)

  9. I know this is fan fiction, and this is YOUR WORLD, and you can do whatever you want in it, but in real life, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone in a gay bar (im guessing its a gay bar with its rainbow flag) offended by Scott Baio or really just about anything. Gay dudes are pretty much invincible to that kinda garbage and backwards prejudices and do not give a hoot about it.

    • The bar is gay friendly, but it is not exclusively a gay bar.

      • I think Mr. Baio would have avoided walking into the bar if he had facelifted it first.

      • What I really respect about Gabe is that he does his fanfiction research. Character backstories, location watercolors, free-writing exercises for days in a cabin in the woods just to get into the right headspace creatively. Bravo, sir.

    • Well, I wouldn’t say that, Doc. I’m gay and I can get pretty offended if the right buttons are pushed.

  10. Scott Baio is 45 and RACIST.

  11. Scott Baio has a picture of my black friend LaTrondo in his wallet?

  12. LOL, this tweet of his is perfect: “For New followers: I POST A LOT OF JOKES WITH PICS. They are JUST that, a joke. NOT targeting anyone. Laughter IS the best medicine.”
    Haha, the medicine that is helping America recover from its assholes-mocking-unfortunate-stills-of-the-First-Lady disease? Thank you, Scott Baio, for healing the wounds I didn’t even know I had. You asshole.

  13. She has to wake up every morning to this?

    http://twitpic.com/s001v

  14. Sure he’s proly racist but lets not forget that he’s also unfunny.

  15. which part of this is made up?

  16. [(Jersey Shore + 20 Years) x Politics] x [Twitter / Comedy] = Scott Baio

  17. You had me at “Scott Baio Has a Picture of a Black Guy in His Wallet”.

  18. “Would a racist have been able to direct episodes of The Wayans Broth–”

    Yes, yes he would.

  19. Doth Scott Baio flick his thumb at me??

  20. Okay, story time, AGAIN. So when I came back home to my tiny hometown from college one time, to be with my family at thxgiving, my best friend from high school and I decided to go to the TOWN GAY BAR, which at the time was in fact the only gay bar in the whole area, conveniently located for truckers hauling through the desert between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. I remember that there was a servicemen’s discount advertised, because both of the proprietors were retired servicemen, and since it was my first time there they gave me a pink fruity drink for free. There were little seasonal decorations up, like you’d see in a kindergarten classroom, of little jointed paperboard pilgrim boys and pilgrim girls, except that the two little pilgrim boys hand been poised to hold hands each other, and ditto the pilgrim girls.

    There was a rude and noisy drunk there, who kept doing things like ringing the last call bell and making vulgar and outspoken pronouncements. Probably my second clue that she did not realize she was in a gay bar, despite the fact that she had been invited by a neighbor with a P.E. teacher haircut and a John Wayne swagger on her, was the fact that she kept hitting on a much younger, cowboy-looking dude playing pool. My first clue that she did not realize she was in a gay bar was that she was wearing an ARYAN NATION t-shirt.

    This is a ONE HUNDRED PER CENT TRUE STORY.

  21. Currently, Videogum is #3688 on a google search of “Scott Baio” (#internetfactzzz). Videogum is up to #7 on a google search of “scot baio videogum” – second mostly to some website named “stereogum.” I tried to email scott baio the good news but apparently scottbaio@scottbaio.com is not a valid email address.

  22. carrying around a picture of a black person in your wallet makes you not racist? well, i guess I’M racist.

  23. right so basically if you dont agree with someone’s beliefs, you can not serve them in bars or restaurants?? how was this not known earlier?? i think some white racist shop/bar owners in birmingham, alabama circa the early sixties were deeply wronged in that case . . .

  24. The I’m-not-racist-I-have-black-friends argument only works on racists.

  25. Clicking through to the actual story makes a big giant SAD! Because one of the reasons he can’t be racist is that he worked 41 episodes with a black person. Also, I thought the thing about his wife’s best friend being black was Gabe being awesome, except Scott Baio actually said it. Fucking Italians.

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