Ah, this BNPG is going to be a challenge! But I think we can do it. The game is like Othello: minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. (P.S. if you actually spend your lifetime trying to master this, you lose.) Basically, come up with your own prank letter to this Christian call-in show. I’ll go first:

I was recently bitten by a radioactive spider. Now my body is going through a lot of changes. I’ve become very successful at work, and I’ve started wrestling for money in my spare time. But my uncle, Ben, was murdered. Now I am just so angry at the man who did this to him, but mostly I am just angry with myself. I know that with great power–oh, by the way, I have great power–comes great responsibility, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to accept that responsibility yet. Also, I’ve been fighting with my best friend’s dad a lot. He helped me rent an apartment, but now I think he wants to kill me. Please help!

Usually, I kill it on the Best New Party Games, much to everyone else’s shame and embarrassment I’m sure (who invited him?), but this time I am 100 percent positive that you can do better. GAME ON! (Video via @vultureblog.)

Comments (142)
  1. I am an archaeology professor who loves to travel. Recently, I’ve come across some information that may lead me to the holy grail! I know that sounds crazy, but frankly, I believe that thing belongs in a museum. My traveling companions are my wacky Scottish father who won’t stop calling me junior and a beautiful blonde German woman whose signs are just so hard to read! Should I try to find the holy grail, how should I tell this nice lady I am only interested in her as a friend, and, most importantly, how do I tell my father I prefer to be called by my nickname? Please advise, as I am being followed.

  2. While fighting for my country, I lost the use of my legs and then, recently, my twin brother died, which totally sucked. Then the government came to me and asked me to take his place as a missionary where I would infiltrate a group of pagan, prehensile-ponytailed, tree-worshipping natives so we could steal their Unobtani—Er, convert them.. At first, I laughed at their nature loving ways, but now I really, really wanna bone this one chick and having ponytail sex with a tree is looking really good. How can I get back to Jesus?

    • So I was just out exploring the jungle one day when I had to save the life of a human disguised as one of us! He was grateful but didn’t even care that I had to kill a bunch of innocent alien hyenas. Then to make matters worse, my dad is totally making me teach him our ways even though he is a dumb asshole! But then when I got to know him I saw there was more to him than being a dumb asshole, and I fell in love with him and fucked him underneath our most sacred Goddess tree. It was great for a minute but then I found out he is actaully working with the other bad humans to force us to move so they can bulldoze our treehouse and dig up the rocks underneath it! Please help, my people are being slaughtered as we speak! What should I do?

      • Woman, get back in the tree kitchen and make me an Unobtanium omlette.

        • Hi, my name is BJ and I live in a restaurant and/or backyard with a bunch of orphan christian youths. I constantly talk to my peers in a way that sounds sarcastic and I’ve recently been pining for a new skateboard. My friend Colby is really intelligent and he thinks there’s nothing wrong with my OLD one. He even ran my wood through his datatbase, but it didn’t compute. I mean, I know the Lord thinks I’m cool already, but I want others to think I’m cool. Colby called some skater and He told me to mow my lawn for Jesus. And I think he is your boyfriend? Please HELP!

      • I was walking by this fig tree the other day when I saw a mexican guy named jesus talking to a buncha people and telling stories about loving people. For some reason he got angry and threw over some tables at the local church so some jewish mafia people wanted to kill him. The used nails and a big wooden cross and so he died. But then, people said that he un-died. This sounds like blasphemy. Is this real?

  3. I am a boy who is extremely small for my age. My brother and I are orphans – we were rescued from a life of dangerous foster homes and playing basketball by a rich man, who has taken us into his wonderful home through the goodness of his heart. We are black, and he is white. This is an issue we deal with on a weekly basis, but he’s my dad and I love him. Also, I often can’t understand what my brother is talking about – we have trouble communicating. Often times at school I am bullied, by a bigger boy known as the Gooch. Oh, one time I was nearly molested by a photographer. I am asking for some Christian guidance, please.

  4. Hi, my name is Simba.

  5. I am a young English schoolboy who has recently gotten into some trouble. Long story short, there was an accident and I am now stranded with some of my classmates with no adult supervision. There is a dark force I feel inside our camp. We think it is a beast, but we haven’t seen it yet. Is this Satan? Can he be fended off with nothing but a conch and a pig’s head? Should we be mocking our friend for his weight problems? Thank you in advance for your help.

  6. I am a recent transfer student from Africa. I arrived at my new school at Chicago and immediately met these 2 good pious people, although I think one is one of them homosexual types, and I also was accepted into this group of young harlots who flaunt their wares. I am confused as to which group to join, or if there is any way I can redeem the sinners.

  7. Recently, I felt like I needed more direction in my empty life so I joined a group of activists called “The Planeteers”. We were each assigned a ring representative of a certain “element”. They Told us that by our powers combined, we can achieve great things. At the beginning of each session, we would call out “EARTH!”, “FIRE!”, “WIND!”, “WATER!”, “HEART!” each with a different accent. Our group leader, a man with a green mullet would then emerge and give us a pep talk. He would tell us about us needed a hero, and taking pollution down to zero. He tells us that our powers are now magnified, and we’re fighting on the planets side. He warns us of bad guys who like to loot and plunder, but that we can put them asunder. He would end each session by screaming “THE POWER IS YOURS!”. Lately I’ve been wondering if this is the true way to continue on God’s path. I feel like I am making a difference, but is it the difference that God wants? Can you help me out?

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  9. I am a fighter pilot in the navy and I was recently chosen to go to a prestigious flying school because I guy who is a better and less cocky fighter pilot decided he wanted to spend more time with his kids. The problem is that there is this other fighter pilot who is really mean and probably gay because he never has a shirt on and pretends to bite me when we’re in the locker room together…oh wait…the problem is that I’m in love with a woman whose job it is to tell me how good of a pilot I am…oh wait…actually my best friend just died and i feel super responsible. I’m wondering if it’s my fault. Or Satan’s fault. Or possibly the Soviet’s fault. I need Jesus’ help immediately because I’m getting ready to fly my really expensive airplane again.

  10. Over the holidays, my family went on a very nice vacation to France. However, for one reason or another, they left me at home! While they were gone I had to beat up two homeless men and I think I helped a scary old man connect with his long lost son, but I’m afraid my parents still hate me. Is there anything I can do to prove to them that I’m a good boy?

    • My mother recently died of cancer and I promised her that I wouldn’t let her die. I feel terrible that I couldn’t uphold my promise. I’m only 12 and my father has to care for me now, but he’s a busy man. He travels a lot for work. He has to leave me with his brother’s family in Maine while he travels for work. Initially I found some joy in these new Maine surroundings and with my cousin Henry and Connie. Henry is my age so we bond immediately; however, Henry slowly begins to do things I’m not like or understand. He drops a dummy on the highway and cause a major wreck. I couldn’t tell on him or else he’d hurt me. I prayed, but I’m looking for answers still. Henry then kills a dog with a crossbow. I’m very sad. I start to look at my aunt as a mother figure, but that makes Henry even more jealous. I am getting blamed for all the “Accidents” around the house too. I’m not acting up in wake of my mother’s death. I am a good son. Henry slowly becomes more and more jealous of me as I start to rely on his parents for nurture and I am getting a lot of attention from them. I think Henry killed his younger brother because of the same jealousy I’m experiencing now. I’m concerned for my safety and I don’t know what to do.

      (long story short. that boy in question is not a good son)

  11. Hi I’m a young man who recently read the diary of a a young girl who life was tragically taken in the Holocaust. While reading her diary I fell in love with her unfortunately we are separated by 50 years in time. My feelings for her were so I decided to build a time machine to go back in time and save her from death. Sadly when I got back to her time, she had already been killed, I now feel like a horrible mutant in a jar who can only look at my love through glass.

    Oh yeah,also I love Jeeeeeeeeeeesuuuus Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiist

  12. Over the holidays, my family went on a very nice vacation to France. However, for one reason or another, they left me at home! While they were gone I had to beat up two homeless men and I think I helped a scary old man connect with his long lost son, but I’m afraid my parents still hate me. Is there anything I can do to prove to them that I’m a good boy?

  13. I am a member of a color coded elite futuristic fighting force that had only 5 members. We would fight the forces of evil, first in just our tight brightly colored spandex, but eventually using our giant animal-shaped robots who could, and in basically every conflict did, combine to form one even more giant man robot with a big fucking sword. I am considering leaving the group because they made me the black one because of my skin color (my skin color is black, by the way). Please advise. (bear in mind this will also probably eventually lead to the yellow one leaving as well (she is asian).

  14. I can’t get my girlfriend to have a holy trinity with me… I thought that is what you guys lived for!

  15. I am a doctor who lives in Los Angeles. I recently met a man who claimed that he was an angel. He said that he wanted to be with me so bad that he wanted to become human just to be with me. I do not understand why I only see him some of the time and that no one else can see him. He recently claimed to now be a human after jumping off of a building and we then made love. I am so confused about what is real and what is not. Take your time to respond, as I plan on riding my bike for several hours today.

  16. I am an angel who has been having some difficulties with my role in The Holy One’s Grand Scheme of Everything (for a start, angels don’t get pears. And I could really go for a pear right now, know what I’m saying?)
    Anyway, I’ve just fallen for this cliched one-dimensional woman, and I’m so infatuated I break all known Angel laws so I can Angel stalk her and maybe one day Angel rape her (not Angel rape-rape her, you understand). Because Romance.
    And so now I’m dying (Wordplay!) to find a way to do all the humanly things I’d so love to do with her, because she is Meg Ryan.
    Please help.

  17. Please help. This strange man has been stalking me at my job and home for the past few days. At first he seemed nice enough, but I’ve become increasingly concerned as I learn more about him. First of all, he knew my name without me telling him. He also has a very strange obsession with pears, and he likes to stare at me with his vacant eyes. The last straw was when he claimed he was an angel. I figured you would be able to help me with this situation. I’d appreciate if you could answer my question quickly, because I’m about to go on a bike ride down the highway in a bit. Thanks!

  18. Hello, I am hoping you can help me. I live with a group of seemingly always changing children with little parental supervision. I am forced to spend a part of each day inside a locker (where it is very hot and claustrophobic). Everyone is always contridicting me and doing the opposite of what I do. I am even punished for not knowing things by a green, vomit-like slime poured over my head. I am hoping Jesus can tell me what, in fact, I can do.

  19. I am Harry Potter. Magic is not the devil. Fuck Off.

  20. I was mentally handicapped born and raised by a box of chocolates. When I was older I was a great sportslete good at Bear Bryant. I then armied the join, and was buttocks in the shot. After being buttocks in the shot, I became really ping pong at good. I shipped a bought, and now shrimp an owning company. Then I around to decided all run the country. While I running was, Jenny TV me on the saw. I her to went, and she son me I had a told. She me told she AIDS had. Then died she. I am not fit to be a whatsoever in any way father, but I kid this have. How can help God me?

  21. Dear Mr.,

    My name is Bella and I have a super confusing problem deciding between my abusive but ?gorgeous? elderly boyfriends (who love me so much that they joined my school!!!). One of them has sharp teeth and the other one is rather hairy and they are both quite violent but I love them both equally and eternally because they are so pretty and sparkle and stuff but choosing between them gets me mega depressed sometimes and I often think about ending it all. Can you please advise me what to do in these dark times that lie somewhere between the day and night of my life?

    Hugs and kisses,
    Bella ???

    P.s. Love the show! is like totally awesome!!!

  22. I was orphaned as a baby and sent to live with my spiteful aunt and uncle. At the age of 11 I found out I had magical powers and went away to school to be with other wizards and witches. I was taken under the wing of a geriatric who I later found out is a homo-sexual. Although I have now defeated the dark wizard who killed my parents I still feel that something in my life is lacking. Will Jesus reject me because I have magical powers, even if I use those powers to save the wizarding world?
    Also, my best friend is a soulless ginger. Is that a problem?

  23. I was recently involved in an unfortunate incident that left a young Christian pastor bloody. It all started after he converted me to Christianity some years ago, just after I taught him and his kind hearted villagers in Plainview how to harvest their oil rich land. Oil has made me very rich, but the money has only brought me more and more loneliness. Some say I am too competitive and want no one else to succeed. My son thinks I’ve made many poor decisions as his adopted father, and he barely speaks to me. Where do I go from here?

  24. I recently had dinner with a friend of mine named Andre. I had Chicken l’orange and he had the lobster bisque.

  25. Please help! Very urgent! I am a British hitman who used to work for a Mexican drug syndicate in LA. I was hired to kill the Chinese mob boss but after the hit, my boss turned on me and hired one of his men to inject me with what I now know was something called a “Bejing Cocktail”, which supposedly inhibits the flow of the adrenaline glands and makes me rape people in public. Now I have to keep my adrenaline up or else my heart will stop working and then I’ll be dead (but I’ll get better). Anyway, I have some real bad problems! Please help! What should I do?

  26. I am ginger. What did I do to deserve this?

  27. I was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens, Til my boyfriend kicked me out in one of those crushing scenes.
    What was I to do, where was I to go? I was out on my fanny.
    So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield’s door, I was there to sell make up but the father saw more. I had style, I had flair, I was there, and that’s how I became a nanny.
    Who would have guessed that the girl I described was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?
    Now, the father finds me beguiling (watch out C.C.), the kids are actually smiling (such joie de vivre). I’m the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan. The flashy girl from Flushing, right? Who would have thought that I would be making my home with such wonderful people? The only trouble is, I’m Jewish. I felt that I had to write in to this show so people could learn from my experiences. I don’t think I can accept Christ, but it’s nice to know you people care about my salvation anyway.

  28. Oh hi! I have so many problems, hope you can help me! i am a banker who is married to the most beautiful woman on the world, but I think she is cheating on me with my best friend. My other best friend Denny and I throw around the football all the time but he has a drug problem! And now my wife?s mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (the least of our problems, really). Please give me some advice, this is tearing me apart!

  29. I used to have a late night talk show (lets call it the… uhh… the… bloblight blow… YES!) but I lost it to this young guy with a sense of humor and ridiculous hair. Also his chin is not very big! Anyway: I have no discernable talent and an airplane hangar full of cars to take care of so do you think there is anything you can… Oh screw it I’ll just sell my soul to the devil again.

  30. I love playing basebally but I was never really that good at it until recently, when I slipped on a baseball and damaged my tendon. Now I can throw faster than any pitcher in the MLB. I’m only 12 but have started playing for the Chicago Cubs! Everything’s been so much fun, playing with the big leagers, but now it’s just causing problems. I’m losing touch with my best friends because I’m always too busy to help build the motor for our dingy to go out on the lake, and now big corporations are taking up all my time with ad campaigns. How can I go back to my normal life as a kid again?

  31. I am a 25 year old man from Long Beach, California. I regulate any stealing of his property, and I’m damn good, too: not just any geek off the street. I’m handy with the steel, if you know what I mean; I earn my keep. But the other night, I was in my ride all alone, on the streets trying to consume some skirt. As I turned left at 21st and Lewis, I saw some brothas shootin’ dice, so I got out of my car. They pulled some gats, and I was stuck! I was getting jacked; they were taking my wealth: my rings, my Rolex! They had guns to my head, and as I went down, I glanced in the cut and I saw my homie Nate. He let his gat explode, and lay all them bustas down. We contintued the night, proceeding to the Eastside Motel with some horny tricks, but ever since then, I just can’t get the incident out of my mind. Was the Lord trying to tell me something?

  32. Can you help me? I am a human adult male who, one time, peed my pants on stage in front of a lot of people! And I am a human adult male. I pretended like peeing my pants was an act of professional dedication, but i peed my pants in front of many people and i am a human adult male. What should i do?

  33. woozefa  |   Posted on Jan 19th, 2010 +8


  34. I just want my family back.

  35. Dear Sir,
    When I was young I witnessed the death of my parents at the hands of an armed criminal and it scarred me for life. To ensure that others do not meet that fate I have dedicated myself to justice, and since almost everyone here, besides my friends, are corrupt I’ve become what some would call a vigilante. My friend in the police department says my work is great and is helping people, but others say I belong in jail, what do you think?

    • Hello,
      My name is Tony, and I am the owner of one of the most powerful company in the world; or I should say that i was. There was this invasion that happened within the ranks of the company and I was helpless at the time. This other fellow, Norman, took action and now has taken over my company. For whatever reason he has a personal vendetta against me and my friends, and has turned alot of people against us. We actually feel like fugitives it’s gotten so bad. What I don’t understand is myself and my friends over the years did alot of good things for the world. We saved many lives, aided foreign impoverished countries, even prevented the consumption of the planet by a foreign force (but I am not able to say what that force was). My question is with all the good things we have done, why are all these bad things happening to us? I mean my friend Steve, who is a great American warhero, was shothe just recentley pulled through, but is having a bit of a hard time coping with everything. Also my friend Bruce, who has a bit of an anger issue, lost his wife and now her father is after him, and blames him for it. I need to know if the power of God can help us heal all these problems we are facing and get hings back to the way they were so we can get back to helping the world again. thank you for your time.

  36. Hello, I am a night club owner in the last free city in the United States. You see, my world was ravaged by the 2nd American Civil War, and now we live in a post-apocalyptic nightmare. I used to be a freedom fighter, but I gave up on all that, doing what I can to stay alive. I pick up extra cash working as a mercenary and bounty hunter, and I take an awful lot of baths. Generally, that’s how I divide my time: 1/3 nightclub owning, 1/3 bounty hunting, and 1/3 soaking and washing. Naked.

    Anyway, my world has been turned upside down. My ex-boyfriend showed up with his new wife. (Call Maury, right?) They’re smuggling these contact lenses that are somehow going to save us from this ring of hell we live in nowadays, if we can get the contacts and my ex-boyfriend’s new wife to Canada, which wasn’t destroyed by a civil war. But I know this guy named Big Fatso, who will give me a jillion dollars for the lenses, and I’m thinking maybe I go to Canada myself. Should I double-cross my ex-boyfriend and his new wife, or should I change my mind at the last possible second, blow up Big Fatso with a grenade from nowhere, and lead the totalitarian government agents who are pursuing me on an impossible car chase culminating in a ridiculous fight scene atop a moving crane? I’m at a crossroads!

  37. hello,
    my name is joe roberts. i work for the state, a sergeant out of perrineville. i have always done an honest job but i’ve got a brother named frankie, and he just ain’t no good. it’s been the same ever since we were young kids. nowadays, i’ll get a call on the shortwave that frankie’s in trouble downtown. if it were any other man, i’d put him straight away, but sometimes, when it’s your brother, you look the other way. the night it happened was like any other, i got a call about a quarter to nine. there was trouble in a roadhouse out on the michigan border. there was a kid lying on the floor, bleeding from his head, and it was frank who had done this to him, or so they told me. i chased him down the highway until i saw a sign that said “canadian border 5 miles,” at which point i pulled over and watched his taillights disappear. now, i’ve always said that “a man turns his back on his family, he just ain’t no good” but i can’t help but think i should have done things differently.
    joe roberts

  38. Hi, ever since I discovered my supernatural witch powers, I can’t figure out if the raddest guy in school loves me for me, or because I cast a spell on him and the whole school so I could be the most popular girl. What should I do? Being the most popular girl in school is not as tubular as I thought it would be. Also, I turned my annoying brother into a dog. Please help.

  39. My Name is Zach, and I’ve been having a lot of trouble with school lately. When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning, I don’t think I ever make it on time. By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look, I’m at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by. Every time! Also, if the teacher pops a test I know I’m in a mess, and my dog ate all my homework last night.
    I usually resort to ridin’ low in my chair and hoping she won’t know that I’m there, because if I can hand it in tomorrow it will be alright. That’s just school. I also have a really nerdy best friend who swears he’s going to make a sex tape one day, and a jockish, tank topped best friend who is clearly overcompensating and probably harbors a secret love for dance. My friend Jesse really wants to be an actress, but I like to joke that she’s probably going to just end up naked a lot in the worst movie ever. And then there is Kelly. I am so in love with her, and I don’t think God would approve of the things I do with her cardboard cutout. Finally, there is Belding. He is always busting my balls, but he is probably just going to end up fat and creepy and singing karaoke with drunk college girls. Does this seem like a healthy lifestyle to you, or do I need to change things?

  40. Hello, I don’t usually write into programs like yours. I am more a man of science, not a man of faith. But I have had a lot of trouble lately, and need your help. 3 years ago, I was stranded on a island in the south pacific. We did our best to survive, but many died. I was fortunate enough to leave the island, with 5 others. But my life has been hell since I’ve been back. I’ve been involved in a huge lie that I cannot tell you about. I’ve started drinking and taking prescription drugs, and have grown what is, by all accounts, a crazy man’s beard. I feel like I have to go back somehwere, but I don’t know where. I have to keep counting to 5 in order to not lose it. Please help me.

    • Also something something time travel I’m in the seventies somehow, but I’m still super uptight, and I just (maybe) set off a nuclear device that my arab friend rebuilt in like four minutes and shot a whole bunch of dudes all because this insane woman who is pretty banging (it’s a medical term, I was a doctor) kind of doesn’t love me anymore because she can’t commit to things. To be honest I’ve kind of lost the thread but I think all of this may have something to do with that time that that weird guy handed me that candy bar after I had a fight with my dad. I wonder what happened to that guy. I like candy bars. What I mean to ask is, do you think you could get me to Ann Arbor because I think maybe something important is there, but I can’t be sure cause all I know is that our super smart scientist friend went there and came back seeming to know all the answers but then his mother shot him before he was born because time travel is dangerous, and this is all kind of out of hand. Thanks.

  41. Where do I begin? My father is a bakery owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and he loves buggery! My mother, Chloe, was 15-years-old when she had me. She?s from France and has webbed feet. I don?t really understand what her job is, but she brings a lot of men home at night? My father is an alcoholic, but he did invent the question mark. Sometimes, he accuses chestnuts of being lazy. My childhood is typical: Last summer I went to Rangoon…had some luge lessons… This spring, my friends and I are going to make meat helmets. I try to be a good kid, and I think my parents are fair. When I make a mistake I get placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds ? pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I got my first scribe! When I was 14, Vilmer (he?s a Zoroastrian) ritualistically shaved my testicles. My question is, I?m getting ready to go to college and several schools are recruiting me. I?m thinking of becoming a Dr, but was wondering what Jesus thinks about an ?Evil? Medical School?

  42. Could God make a ROCK so AWESOME it’d be awesomer than AC/CD and Metallica COMBINED?? I’ll take my answer off the air, thanks.

  43. Hi there. Long time listener, first time caller. Do you think that diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper. My sister says it does, but I’m not sure.

  44. Normally I wouldn’t call into something like this, but I’m pretty fucking drunk right now. So I get home last night and there’s these two guys waiting for me in my house. One of them starts repeatedly dunking my head in the toilet, asking me about some fucking money my wife owes or something, all while the other one, a chinaman, is fucking pissing on my rug. I tried to tell them that they had the wrong Jeff Lebowski; nobody calls me that! I’m the Dude, his Dudeness, El Duderino, if you prefer it. Anyway, I go to see the real Jeff Lebowski; at this point all I want is some reconciliation for my fucking rug. But now it turns out his wife’s been kidnapped and I’m caught up in some really heavy shit. My friend Walter is all fucked up and my other buddy Donny is really out of his element on this one. Hopefully you can… what’s that? You’re going to have to edit out all the cursing? Ah well; fuck this, I’m going bowling.

  45. Should we play god? I mean, like, creating dinosaurs from prehistoric DNA on a remote island? I just, luckily, returned from that god-forsaken island. I have my opinions obviously, but what does the Church say?

  46. I’m a high school english teacher, and i’ve been having problems connecting with my students lately. Unfortunately, my son just died as a result of an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident and I’m thinking about fabricating a suicide note and journal so that he can be remembered properly and someone will finally read my writing. In the eyes of God, is this wrong?

  47. Hi there!

    I normally don’t say much, but I am kind of stuck in a dungeon on this one. See the Tree that raised me has recently passed away, and my whole life I thought I was a wood creature, but I am actually a Hyrulean boy! And I met the princess and she sent me on some crazy quest to get her a bunch of jewelry and stuff, but all I have is this dinky sword and a shield that covers my entire body! I tried playing my flute a few times, but no matter how many times I turn night into day, everything stays the same and everybody always tells me the same things no matter how many times I talk to them. Plus there is some really mean looking dude on my tail, I think he is from the desert, he rides a horse. I don’t know who to ask for help, except for this owl that is following me around for some reason. And people keep hinting at some sort of magic triangle that might be inside of me? I’m scared. Perhaps there is a big, awesome sword of some kind I can pull out of a stone and get older? I could really use a horse, getting around is a bitch. Also because this boomerang sucks and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to fight a dragon at some point, and he will definitely eat me if I’m only four feet tall. I need some sage advice.

  48. I think my uncle is good at heart. He adopted me and my two brothers when dad joined the Navy. He provides for us, feeds us, clothes us (I like to wear green). But maybe I have forgotten to mention that he is also very wealthy. He is in fact the wealthiest man in the world. Sometimes I worry that he cares too much about money. He spends whole days, sometimes, at his vault. He bought a gold dollar-sign to put on the outside, which must have cost him a lot and makes the rest of the people in our city feel poor. I think this is why people always try to steal from him, and why he keeps sending them to jail. Sometimes he takes us on trips around the world, but the trips are always about getting richer and are sometimes dangerous! Does my uncle follow the spirit of the Bible? I know the Bible says it is harder for a rich man to get into Heaven than a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, so I sometimes worry about my uncle, but then I have also seen him swim through pennies, so maybe he will be OK? Thank you, Louie.

  49. Hi I’m a high school girl who got impregnated by her friend who is skinny and likes indie bands. I don’t want the baby but I don’t want an abortion. I am thinking of giving it away to the girl from ‘Alias’ and the dude from ‘Arrested Development’. Also I am insufferable and say thing like, “totally boss” and “silencio old man” and people think that is normal. Basically I am the worst. Help!

  50. I used to do some work that you might consider “against” Christian doctrine. That’s not too important, forgive and forget, right? Anyway, I was in love with a man named Bill who was also my boss. I was pregnant, and wanting to move beyond the life I had to raise the child, so I left him, and was about to marry another man. Bill and others from my old life… sorry, this is hard to type… they showed up at my wedding rehearsal and… they killed my fiance and my friends. It was the worst thing I had ever been through in my life.
    I woke up from a coma in a hospital ward years later. I was horrified to discover that I was no longer pregnant. I found out that I was in danger, so I escaped from the hospital.
    Once I had my wits about me, I thought about how I would seek closure on this horrible traumatic experience. After considering hiring a lawyer, I decided that it would be best to just turn the other cheek and talk it out with these people that hurt me so deeply. I traveled to Okinawa, to pick up something important from a man named Hattori Hanz?, a brilliant sushi chef. He helped me sharpen my logic, and after some soul searching, I went to Tokyo, where I confronted O-Ren Ishii, one of the people who had helped to murder my family. I had to know that she was sorry, and I would try my very best to forgive her.
    To my surprise, she was happy to see me. We caught up for what seemed like 88 hours, and ended up having a kind of snowball-fight. Can you believe it? In any case, I think she finally saw how wrong she was, and how it affected me.
    Some time after that, I arrived at Vernita Green’s (another associate of Bill’s) house, and engaged her in a vicious conversation. We went our separate ways after that. It wasn’t all too amicable. You can’t always mend those bridges, ya know? I hope I see her daughter again in the future. What a sweet kiddo.
    I learned that trust is very fragile. You have to believe that God will help you understand that people are just trying their best. I still have a few folks to visit. I honestly believe that God’s guiding hand is helping me change their lives. I just hope they all eventually find the calm that I’ve found.

  51. I hope this message in this bottle makes it to you, because boy do I really need some help. I’ve been stranded on a deserted island after my FedEx plane crashed and now not only do I feel lost spiritually but my only friend Wilson and I keep fighting. Please help, urgent!


  52. Dear Sir,

    Have you ever had a friend that you wanted to date, but a year to make love she wanted you to wait? Let me tell you a story of my situation. I was talking to a U.S. national who claimed that I amused her. We had a great conversation, but when I asked if she had a man, she said she just “had a friend.” Well, I thought just having a friend couldn’t be no crime- I have friends, and that’s a fact- so I took blah-blah’s word for it at this time, and I thought that we had built a relationship, or at least some understanding. However, when I made a surprise visit to her college, guess what I saw? A fellow tongue-kissing my girl in the mouth!

    Tell me, in the future, can I talk to a girl who says she just has a friend?

  53. You have to help me, I think I’m losing my mind. I recently secured what seemed like the perfect living situation for my family: we’re looking after the Overlook hotel for the winter, giving me plenty of time for my writing. We’re the only ones here, and the hotel’s very isolated. The owner warned me about the isolation getting to me; apparently the last caretaker got cabin fever and murdered his family. I just shrugged it off, though; “I can handle it,” I said. But this place! Why, just the other day I came upon a beautiful naked woman in one of the hotel rooms and began to kiss her, only to discover she was in fact a corpse!

    I think the problem is that I’m working too hard. You know what they say; an excess of work in the absence of recreation results in Jack being a boy characterized by dullness.


    If you help me, I will give you lots of money. I am totally rich from winning the lottery, but none of that matters unless you help me! You see, I was in Australia, and I got on this airplane. Pretty normal right? Wrong. The plan crashed on this island, and for awhile everyone was just freaking out and building huts and hunting for food, but doing what you would basically consider normal castaway type stuff. But then, dude, things got totally weird. First of all, people started dying like whoa. So many people have died. Even if we ever do get off this island, I am pretty sure everyone will have severe PTSD.

    You see, there were these other people on the island, and we thought they were bad, but it turned out they were just the people from the back half of the plane (implausible, I know, but bear with me), but then it turned out there were OTHER others, but it was just this one crazy french lady with a gun. But then it turned out there were other OTHER others, and they were totally batshit insane out for blood. Also, there is a hatch, and some numbers we have to push to keep the world from ending (the same numbers i used to win the lottery, coincidentally), and this weird crazy black smoke monster.

    So anyway, one time we didn’t push the button and there was this bright flash and then a bunch of stuff that doesn’t really matter happened, but then we made contact with some people off the island and we were totally going to be saved, but some people on the island were like “we don’t want to be saved,” but Jack was all like “WE ARE GETTING OFF THIS ISLAND” so six of us actually got off the island, but then later we had to go back to the island, which is basically where the time travel comes in.

    Yeah, time travel. I know it sounds completely retarded and takes my story to a whole new level of implausibility and ridiculousness. At this point you are probably just hoping my story just ends soon so you don’t have two listen to it anymore. Either way, we wound up back in the 1970s, which is also where some of the other people from our original plane crash wound up (don’t ask me, dude, I don’t have a Ph.D in Superfake Sciences, either). And there were some gun fights and some other stuff happened and we detonated a bomb in the 70s and now I have no idea what’s going on.

    Also, a four-toed statue, polar bears, a kid with special powers and I see dead people.

    Send help ASAP,


  55. Dear Sir,

    I have a lot of problems that may benefit from your wise words of advice. My uncle and aunt, who took care of me for most of my life after my parents recklessly abandoned me, were recently murdered in a brutal arson attack by the corrupt police of my country. Following this, a strange old man who talks of odd pagan religions has taken me far from my home with the assistance of two men wanted by various criminal gangs for their own illegal activities. They brainwashed me into joining their cult and fighting for their violent terrorist group, who I recently assisted in destroying a government military base, but I am beginning to have doubts about their cause and their beliefs since reuniting with my father. Unfortunately, I have also discovered that my father has a temper and is abusive. In our first encounter we got into a fight which resulted in the mutilation of my arm meaning I am now disabled. Also, I have a crush on my best friend’s girl who also happens to be my sister. What should I do?

    Yours faithfully, Luke

  56. Thanks for doing this on my first day of class, Gabe! Life’s not fair! I’m a big whiner! And so forth…

  57. I’m not even close to crazy enough for this one:

  58. Hello. I’m a very successful businessman in Manhattan. I live in the American Gardens building on W. 81st St., I have a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peeples glasses, and I have the best haircut in my office, so I can understand how you’d think that my life is perfect. Except this one guy I work with thinks I’m that nitwit Marcus Halberstram, and that makes me angry. Like, really angry. Like, I’ve been spending my evenings sharpening my axe and researching which arteries would cause him to bleed out the quickest. Murder is all I can think about. Murder and hookers. Please, I seek guidance.

    Also, do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

    • Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when ‘Sports’ came out in ’83, I think they really came into their own, commercial and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humor.

      Thanks for asking! I’ve been dying to get that out.

  59. Hello I am a robot but also an African American somehow (you can tell because I talk jive sometimes). my problem is that I can’t read and this giant old robot that farts parachutes and has a cane and an irish accent makes me feel bad about it. Can Jesus help me learn to read so I can go to robot heaven with Shia Lebouf?

  60. Dear Sir,

    My name is Gilbert and I live in the town of Andora. Something has been eating at me of late. Any suggestions?

    P.S. Please feel free to come and see me here, as I an my brother Artie aren’t going anywhere.

  61. Is it me, or did he say “I think there are some Mongolians in the system”???

  62. I hope this letter finds you well,

    I am a girl from a small village in America. I was touched by the devil when I was born and now I cannot see. However, I do enjoy my life in our village very much. Our life is simple yet fulfilling and though we are very isolated, I would desire nothing more. That is until recently. You see, I am in love with a fine young man named Lucius. Others find him to be a somewhat strange and quiet boy but I know his color is good and he is brave and strong. Yes, I may not be able to see in the normal sense but I can see the color that surrounds other people. Some people do not have such a good color but Lucius has the best color. Alas, there is another boy named Noah who is jealous of the bond Lucius and I share. Noah has also been touched by the devil and his mind is not that of a normal boy his age. Noah became so distraught by the nature of the relationship between Lucius and I that he attacked Lucius with a small knife he kept hidden away. Now Lucius is dire need of medicine from the Towns that lie beyond the woods. My father, who is the leader of our village has agreed to let me go to the Towns so that I may help the boy I love. Despite the reassurance of my father that Those We Don’t Speak Of will not harm me as long as I wear a yellow hood , I am still frightened the Devil will send them to disrupt my journey. Will God please help me reach the Towns? Thank You.

    Ivy Walker – 1897

  63. Dear Sir,

    I am facing a dire situation and could use your Godly wisdom for guidance. See, I am the star wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals in the National Football League and I am in my contract year. The problem is that the team seems to not want to pay me what I believe I am worth. I have tried to communicate this to my agent, telling him how he has to display to me the amount of money I believe I am due, but he seems distracted by his new wife and son as well as the chance at also being the agent for the college quarterback who will be picked #1 in next year’s draft. I have a really big game coming up on Monday night against the Dallas Cowboys that could make or break my career and my agent just keeps telling me to go out and play and have fun. But I’m not that kind of player. I don’t dance! What should I do?

  64. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Now see this is what I get for not WATCHING the video as opposed to just firing off the first half-assed story that comes to mind. Let the arrow on my avatar(OF AVATAR!!)’s head be your guide to judgement for me.

  65. Dir Sir,

    This is God. If you are to continue to spread the good news, I must insist that you take this holy gift of a prepaid Netflix subscription, and this golden list of essential pop culture milestones in television and film from the past 30 years, and don’t host this program again until you have watched every single thing on the list. Understood?

    Peace yo,
    -God out

  66. Dear sir,
    I make an honest living as a police man. I have a beautiful wife, a loving mother, three great kids, a kind sister-in-law, and a nice nephew who all live with me. Despite these blessings, I find it to be a rare condition in this day and age to read some good news in the local paper. I am beginning to believe what some say about love and tradition in the grand design escaping me. Exacerbating things, my neighbor’s son constantly invades my home at all hours. He has cost us large sums of money due to property he has damaged or destroyed. To make matters worse, he has recently come out of his shell and is sweeping my eldest daughter off her feet! In addition, I rarely see my youngest daughter and sister-in-law I feel like I was promised a tower of dreams with real love bursting out of every seam. Life has fallen short of my expectations. There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls, right? Please point me in the right direction.

  67. Hey, baby!
    I was a spy in the 60′s, but the British government cryogenically froze me for reasons I can’t remember because I haven’t seen the movie since I was in 8th grade. Anyways, I woke up in the future and had to pee a lot. After that, I discovered that the future is strange! Nobody wears blue polyester suits with lacy shirts underneath. I mean, seriously, those were groovy. The woman I was in love with is now old, but I work with her daughter who is smashing! My old nemesis still wants to take over the world, which is pretty lame. I mean, get a job, man. So, my question for you is: do you think I should bang the woman I work with? Or should we just remain good friends while fighting evil henchman?

  68. dear sir,
    at first i was reluctant to write in, for my problem does not seem bible-related. but as i was pondering the extroidinary way in which god works and the challenges he presents to us, i couldnt help but think that on my latest job assignment, the devil was haunting me. on board an airplane, flying from honolulu to las angeles – there were literally hundreds of snakes aboard that were released and caused, obviously, a huge disturbance. There were fatalities, but many survivied and i cant help but to think this was a message from god. there were just so many snakes on this plane!
    please advise

  69. Dear help,

    I am a 12-year-old girl living with my mother in Georgetown. She is very pretty and a famous actress. We are close. When I steal a cookie from the jar before dinner she chases me and tackles me and takes it away. She loves me. But she is not around a lot anymore. She is busy filming her movie and being divorced from my dad. I’ve been mad. I tried to get her to play with the Ouija board but she pretended that it didn’t “like her very much.” I peed on the floor during one of her annoying dinner parties just to prove a point. I shake my bed at night to try to wake her up and annoy her. To get her attention, I showed her my new walking down the stairs trick and she recoiled in horror. And this one time I carved “Help Me” into my stomach. I wanted to carve “Mom, This Is a Call for Help” but that was too long. What can I do to get my mom’s attention again? Please help.

    Ps. I think she’s an alcoholic.

    Pps. Her British director friend keep coming in my room when she’s not home and it’s making me angry.

  70. Dear Sir,
    I recently moved and am having trouble settling into my new surroundings. You see, I’m from the wrong side of the tracks and just moved in with a family who have quite a bit of money. Sure, I’m a little rough around the edges, but I think I have some upside. You should see me in a wife beater! Anyway, my only friends are the nerdy guy I live with, and the skinny neighbour girl who wants to have premarital sex with me (but that’s for another email). My question is, how do I stay strong when I’m constantly abused by the popular kids? And how do I teach them that violence and using curse words is not a nice way to welcome somebody to their sunny and affluent community?

  71. Dear Sir,
    I SEE DEAD PEOPLE. Not like dead people in my dreams that I kinda know are not real. NOT like dead people on tv and movies. REAL dead people. Should I try to talk to them? Or be their friends? Am I special or cursed by Satan?

  72. My friend and I were at work, where we are low-level employees for a Mid-Level Insurance firm, and we discovered a plan to defraud the company of $2 Million Dollars. We’ve discussed this problem with our boss and he was so proud of us finding the plan that he has invited us out to his Long Island beach house for the weekend. Well, we arrived and found our boss dead, apparently of a heroin overdose, but we also found a letter that implicated us in the scheme. Now all of his friends and work associates are coming over for a party all weekend. Please help!!!

  73. Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Nigerian chambers of commerce and industry, I have the privilege to request for your assistance to transfer the sum of $47,500,000.00 (forty seven million, five hundred thousand united states dollars) into your accounts. The above sum resulted from an over-invoiced contract, executed commissioned and paid for about five years (5) ago by a foreign contractor. This action was however intentional and since then the fund has been in a suspense account at the central bank of Nigeria Apex bank.

    We are now ready to transfer the fund overseas and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as civil servants, we are forbidden to operate a foreign account; that is why we require your assistance. The total sum will be shared as follows: 70% for us, 25% for you and 5% for local and international expenses incident to the transfer.

    The transfer is risk free on both sides. I am an accountant with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). If you find this proposal acceptable, we shall require the following documents:
    (A) Your banker’s name, telephone, account and fax numbers.
    (B) Your private telephone and fax numbers — for confidentiality and easy communication.
    (C) Your letter-headed paper stamped and signed.

    Alternatively we will furnish you with the text of what to type into your letter-headed paper, along with a breakdown explaining, comprehensively what we require of you. The business will take us thirty (30) working days to accomplish.

    Please reply urgently.

  74. In 1972 I was part of a multicultural crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we did not commit. Yet we promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. But I am conflicted because we are still wanted by the government and support ourselves on meager soldier of fortune salaries (fortune, ha!). We spend all our time solving other people’s problems, but what about us?!? PS I say owning more than one gold chain is a sin of vanity. My friend says no way. What’s your take?

  75. Dear God’s Vessel Person,
    My mother was recently murdered and my father is insisting that we leave home and make a fresh start somewhere new. I will go (unwillingly) but after seeing how this has all affected my dad, my friends and I have vowed never to fall in love. Except there is this girl I really like, even though the other guys are already. . wait. Is that smoke?

  76. I must express my sincere concern for my friend Greg, and I ask for guidance in helping him on his path to salvation. Greg is an incredibly hard worker, and provides for the financial needs of his entire family. However, his hard work often takes him away from his home, and he rarely finds the time to go to church. As a result, he recently has begun to feel alienated from his family, and feels that he has become something that they can’t relate to or understand. He has taken to living in his room and has lost his job as a result. How can I help him when he seems so distant?

  77. This is a difficult situation for me. I saw my married lover commit a crime and now he wants to kill me, so I was put into a convent until the trial to keep me safe. At first I didn’t enjoy it at all, it going against the lifestyle I was used to as a lounge singer, but then it started to grow on me when I became the choir director. The head nun doesn’t approve of the way I run the choir, or the changes I am making within the church, but I feel it is the right thing to do. She wants to quit because of me. I am considering staying in the convent after the trial but not if it means her leaving. What should I do?

  78. Dear Sir,
    Dear Sir,

    I just thought I’d share a story of how I found true happiness:
    I have a beautiful wife who tells me I worry too much. She says I should smile more. The other thing is that my wife is a gambler, and one day she gets in deep with the sharks. So they carve her face and we don’t have any money for the surgery. She just can’t take it and I just want to see her smile again. I want her to know that I don’t care about the scars. So one day I take a razor in my mouth and do something to myself and now she can’t stand the site of me! She leaves, but now I see the funny side and I can’t stop smiling!

  79. Hi, I am a construction worker who is being haunted by reacurring dreams of dying on Mars. I visted this company called Rekall that implanted false images in my mind but something goes wrong and after my wife and friends try to kill me I found out that the past two months of my life have been false memories! I escaped from them, and a strange man helps me to discover my original identity. I went to Mars and met a women with three boobs, a strange humanoid, and an eccentric taxi driver who I later find out is not my friend. I also dress up like a woman in an airport and my face rips open.

  80. Hello,

    I’m a weather-forecaster. I’m all rubber-faced and shit. God gave me his powers and I used them to drive a lamborghini and make my girlfriend’s tits bigger. Oh, and I also made my dog pee standing up. Steve Carell was there. Bascially, I wasted God’s powers on bullshit instead of traveling through the cosmos on an awesome adventure that unfortunately would not have any marketability but would have been one of the most creative films ever.
    Send help!

  81. Dear Sir,

    Good news, I was recently adopted! Unfortunately, many of the people I seem to be encountering in my new life are being quite rude to me. I have what some might consider a loose temper, and often end up lashing out at the people who are so mean. I suppose I should tell you now, I am a 33-year-old woman with a very real and common condition that plenty of people have that causes me to look like a 9 year old. My new parents are starting to be mean to me, and they are making me very angry. Would it be wrong for me to murder them? I suppose I should also tell you, I am a serial killer who escaped from a mental institution. Any advice?

  82. Hello Sir,

    I am an adolescent male who lives in the western United States. My parents recently became divorced, and thus I am now being separated from my younger brother, Jimmy, who has had an ambiguous cognitive disability. One day, I decided to take my brother and run away to escape the toxic environment in which we were both living. Along the way, I discovered that my brother has a natural talent for playing video games (Double Dragon, specifically). It turns out that he is one of the best gamers around, and so we decided to journey to southern California to compete in a video game championship and win a large cash prize that will hopefully help us solve all of our problems and convince our parents that my brother and I belong together. My brother gets to play new and innovative games like Ninja Gaiden and Super Mario Brothers 3, and it seems to make me him feel better. However, we ran into another gamer during our trip, Lucas, who will also compete in the tournament and has access to gaming otherworldy accessories like the power glove; needless to say he has shaken our confidence and threatens to prevent us from reaching our goal. Furthermore, we need to avoid the adults who plan to apprehend us once we reach Universal Studios (they want to take Jimmy away!). But Christian Slater is supportive of our mission. I feel that we can achieve salvation if we succeed in defeating Lucas and win the contest, we may win back our parents’ affection and make them see the errors of their ways. Is salvation through video games an acceptable path in your opinion?

  83. Dear Sir,
    I used to be an average teenager and I hated it. My basketball team stunk and the girl of my dreams was dating a jerk from our rival school. One night while at a party I noticed several changes, so I rushed home only to find that I had sprouted hair everywhere along with claws and fangs. But that was just the beginning, I found out my father was the same way.

    At first I struggled with my newfound body and abilities but a friend of mine helped me see that I was finally special. I used my new gifts to help my basketball team win more games and win the attention of my dream girl. Everything was turning around! But something in ME had changed and it wasn’t pretty.

    I used to want to be special, but now I just want to be me again. WWJD?

  84. I’m hoping you can help me. See, I recently moved in with my father after my mother decided that she wanted to travel the country with her boyfriend who’s trying to be a minor league baseball player. This could be a pretty sorry situation– my dad doesn’t know how to communicate with me, the weather here is terrible, and people keep getting mysteriously mauled– but it’s actually okay because there’s this really mysterious old guy who hangs around my school all day. At first I thought that he hated me because he was really mean, kept making feel dumb, and would gag whenever I was around, but it turns out that he really likes me! He likes me so much that he can’t even explain why he likes me– only that I’m like a drug to him! It sounds pretty perfect, but there is a problem. Sometimes, when he sneaks into my room at night, he tries to do sexual things to me. That would be okay except that when I respond he gets SOOOO mad and points out how weak I am. Is there anyway that I can fight my sinful-woman urges and give up my entire identity for him ? (Please do not suggest cutting myself off from my friends and family. I have already done that.)


  85. Please help!
    I was recently promoted to a position that is the culmination of my many years in comedy. It was a dream come true! However, soon after my promotion the man who held the position before me decided he wanted to be a giant douche and take his job back, displacing me and my many staff. I’m afraid to go to sleep because when I do, a giant chin laughs at me from the netherworld. Is this the devil? How do I tell this giant chin (while still being loving) to jerk off?

  86. Hi,

    My name is Kelly and I make my living as a dancer in Los Angeles. Now, I know what you’re thinking….but not THAT kind of dancer. Ew! Get real. I mean dance is my life! I work in the theater. Broadway stuff! I’m a real class act. I live with my parents in the same house they used in the Drew Barrymore/Shelly Long/Ryan O’Neill movie, Irreconcilable differences, in a never-referred-to-by-name neighborhood but probably Brentwood. But sometimes I hang out with my friends from East LA. I was trained formally but my friends teach an more, um, unconventional style of dance at the local community center, Miracles (so named because of how awesome it is that the white people of LA don’t have to look at the poors since they’re inside boxing and dancing.) ANYS–this evil white, male from City Hall wants to shut us down because Miracles owes $200,000 in repairs. OH! And if that weren’t enough, there’s this gang, Electrorock, is, like always messing with us. Challenging us to dance-offs under the freeway. But, I mean, one time my exboyfriend did this snake move with his hands so DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT! But still….tense, you know? AND GET THIS! Some girl (a poor) is all up in my ex-boyfriends face about him hanging out with me. WHAT-EVER! Am I right? I mean I don’t even remember us breaking up. Last I checked, we were still together. ALMOST FORGOT–sometimes Ice-T shows up. Okay so I actually have 2 questions. 1) Should Ozone and Turbo and I all have a three-some AND 2) what do you think? Pop-lock-uprock for that last 8 count? Or should we do Coin Drops and Zulu Spins? So confused.

  87. Hello,
    My name is Daniel Hillard, a recently born again Christian. But recently some events in my life has left me down on my knees looking for something to hold on to and shake with conviction to strengthen my faith! Recently, I quit from my job as a voice actor for a popular cartoon show, however after some adult, non-Christian themes were introduced into one episode, I left. On that same day, it was one of my son’s birthdays, and I decided to throw a small get together at my house, however my wife (who I swear is possessed by the devil!) was very upset with me and wanted to divorce me! After the divorce, I had very limited visitation rights with my three children, one being a young woman, who most certainly needed a father in the household in order to keep her grounded and not attracted to CARNAL THOUGHTS! As I suspected, my ex-wife, unable to support my children due to her addiction to paganism and alcohol, needed to hire a nanny. SO I disguised myself as a woman named Mrs. Athiestaburn, to seem the most homely and Christian nanny in the world! I was hired, and able to keep a close eye on my children and raise them in a Christian manner, all while ignoring the court-mandated visitation rights!
    My problem, I bring to you is, that my devilish ex-wife is now attracted to a scathing and un-Christian man (he wants to have premarital sex!)!!1! I have tried everything in my power to prevent him from joining my beloved family and cause a dirty taint worse than Mrs. Athiestaflame’s undies! All the while, being payed as a nanny is insufficient to provide for a safe home for my kids during real time as DAD and not Mrs. Athiestaflame! What should I do in order to save my family from the path sinners take to get to Hell??

  88. I’m writing you because I’m not at all pleased with the current direction of my life. No one told me it was going to be this way; my job’s more or less a joke, I’m broke, and my love life is D.O.A. (if you know what I mean). I feel like I’m always stuck in second gear.

    I’ve tried talking to my friends, but their responses are never helpful; one friend suggested it might not just be my day, but the reality of the situation is that it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year. I guess this is a big part of the problem. I’m there for my friends, but I’m not sure that they’re there for me too. Maybe I need to consult a higher power?

  89. Dear sir,

    My name is Eric and I am writing in to share something uplifting with your audience. I’m a minster and father to seven wonderful children. When I see their happy faces smiling back at me I feel like I am in seventh heaven. I know there’s no greater feelin’ than the love of family. Where can you go when the world don’t treat you right? The answer is home! That’s the one place that you’ll find 7th heaven.

  90. Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

  91. Hello sir, I have an extremely urgent problem that I’d like your advice on. I have a new neighbor who is extremely rude and probably not a Christian. First, the building of her house caused my sister to die in a tragic construction accident. Then, she stole my sister’s shoes, which have been in our family for generations! I know that the Bible says we should not use witchcraft, but I am considering using it as the only way to get back at her. I know I should stop being a witch, but how can I forgive someone who has done so many terrible things to me?

  92. Sir,
    When I was a little boy my mother was murdered and I sat in her blood for three days until I was rescued by a policeman who than adapted me. As I was growing up the man who adapted me noticed that I had uncontrollable murderous tendencies and taught me a ‘code’ for when I was killing people. Now that I am all grown up and that man has died I am a secret serial killer, but it’s okay I only kill those who have killed others and escaped justice through the legal court system. The problem is though I now I have a child of my own and two step children that I must take care of and don’t want to see them follow in my foot steps. How can I raise these kids in a spiritual environment while I still satisfy my dark urges?

  93. Please help. My name is John. I work for a special police force that uses a system of bald people and wooden balls in tubes to arrest people for murders they will commit in the future. Also I’m a drug addict, but still rock at my job. The other day I get to work and this g-man starts giving me guff about the system and then, to make matters worse, my name pops up in the tube! So I replaced my eyes, which was both wacky and painful and then stole the smartest bald girl out of the toilet-shaped room. Now my job security is at risk, I’m supposed to kill a guy I’ve never met before, hover-men with barf sticks are chasing me and to cap it all off things are still rocky with my ex-wife, probably because our only son was abducted several years ago. I need to know how to find a specific report! Do I even have one?!

  94. Hi! Long time listener first time writer.
    I have all the characteristics of a human being: flesh, blood, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don’t know why.
    Do you like Phil Collins? I’ve been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where, uh, Phil Collins’ presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums.

  95. Hi. I’ve been having problems with my girlfriend lately. She and I have been engaged for some time, and… Well, it’s a long story, but pretty much, she says I’m not romantic; I think she’s too dramatic. I tell her while we’re at it, we can work it night by night. Do you think this was the correct course of action?

  96. The devil IS a bad devil.

  97. Dear Sir,
    My name is Tony Danza and I am the boss.

    Tony Danza

  98. Hi,
    Ummm…I’m a regular high school student who is having a little trouble with her brother. He’s the most popular kid in school. I’m not really sure how. I suppose because he has a knack for impersonation and wearing animal prints.
    Anyway, he pretended to be sick from school the other day (he was totally faking!). And I was dead set on proving it. You see, my parents totally baby him. It’s like they don’t even notice my pain. My only solace is that I get to use the car.
    That doesn’t really matter though cause he has a blindingly codependent best friend whose father has MANY cars and doesn’t lock them up very well.
    Well, I ditched school (like he did). To prove he ditched (so my parents will like me more?). And to make a long story short I ended up kicking my principal in the head (repeatedly), AND I got arrested!
    While being processed I make out with a guy named Charlie who I believe was arrested for assaulting his wife with a knife or something. Obviously I was crying out for help and all my mom can do is yell at me. Bitch.
    My ife is spiraling and my brother is the one people are collecting money for. Is it okay to murder your own brother if you repent directly after? I may or may not be able to get my principal to be an accomplice. (He might still be mad I totally owned him.)
    I’m glad someones finally listening! FINALLY!

  99. Hello sir,

    I hope you are able to provide me with your guidance– my name is Marty, a Hill Valley, CA resident experiencing a lot of changes now as a teenager. I have a difficult life at school and home, my educators aren’t supportive and my family has grown largely apathetic towards my needs. Though I have a girlfriend, Jennifer, I’ve recently been thrown into a wealth of difficult circumstances surrounding my involvement with an older man. Though this man felt like a friend, he began to fill my head with ideas that felt new and uncomfortable… even impossible. You see I recently witnessed his murder in a mall parking lot and subsequently fled the scene fearing for my safety.

    The faster I drove away in his car I couldn’t help but feel my world was spinning out of control. I couldn’t explain what was happening to the world around me anymore, after his death it was like everything was so familiar but completely different. Strangers felt threatened my presence, in my disbelief I even started seeing this older man after his death, looking to him for answers around the drastic changes in my life.

    After trying to discuss my circumstances with my father, I woke up the next day feeling confused. The hardest part was how this incident effected my relationship with my parents, my mother’s feeling towards me began to feel inappropriate while my father just stood by in a cuckold, condoning the failures of his relationship with her. I’ve lost my sense of identity, known only for my material things I can’t help but feel that without my love of music even by siblings are drifting away.

    The pressures of my father’s intimidating classmate and supervisor Mr. Tannen has only added to my difficulty, no matter my attempts to reconcile my parents relationship with a staged sexual encounter with my mother… Mr. Tannen seems to keep making aggressive advances towards her despite his thick-headed practices.

    I can’t help but feel that only an act of God could help me drive that car back to a time when my life still felt in control, when my gentleman caller was still alive and my family was still intact.

    I patiently hope that you can help me get back…

    Marty M.

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