The latest addition to the wholesome family reality show genre that includes Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, Greatest American Dog, premiered last night and was so incredibly boring that I had to turn it off. It was just dull people dressing up their dull dogs for challenges so thrown-together and chaotic they seemed more like something you’d see organized by a high school 4H club than a prime time TV show. But, I’ve figured out why Greatest American Dog is so bad!

It’s because the intended audience for Greatest American Dog is families who have a dog, and the entire point of the show is for families to watch it every week so they can have this conversation:

Family Member 1: “Our dog is so much better than that dog or that dog.”

Family Member 2: “Or that dog.”

Family Member 3: “Who’s better than those dogs? Do you see those dogs? Who’s better than those dogs? That’s right! It’s you, Our Dog!”

Family Member 4: “Our Dog is so much better. Let’s watch this every week.”

So it doesn’t need to be remotely watchable. The show is getting bad reviews, but it doesn’t matter. I did like this bad review, though, which says

Unfortunately, all the owners on Greatest American Dog are as bland and forgettable as a Milk-Bone.

Eww, he knows what Milk-Bones taste like? That is so “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?” If you still want to see Greatest American Dog, the full episode is online.