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The Conan O’Brien/Jay Leno “feud” (for lack of a better term), which reached a high/low point today with the publication of Conan’s thoughtful, carefully outraged letter of protest, which you should read if you have not already, but obviously you have, is basically our generation’s Bubble Boy. Our collective attention hasn’t been this focused since, like, two months ago, or whenever that thing happened. (R.I.P. Richard Heene!) So, what better time than to channel those energies into the Videogum Caption Contest. There will be plenty of time to get back to videos of Unicorn Samurai tomorrow. For now, there is only this. And Channing Tatum’s DICK, but about that I remain FOREVER SILENT.
Post your comments after the jump. “Winner” receives special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. Wow!
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Yup, they are roughly this size and I ain’t afraid to use them, Car Boy. Also, Carson hated your ass.
Seriously, Jay, my lawyer said that this is the closest you can be to me without getting arrested.
Hey, so here’s a fun secret for there “skinny tie.” If you are going to obnoxiously respond to the first comment so that your post can be at the top, be damn sure it is funny. Not that bullshit Leno-esque turd you just laid down.
Which is probably a lot like Conan feels about Leno’s stupid 10pm time-slot attempt.
I’m sorry, but I’m not going to listen to anyone who uses “bullshit” and “turd”, in the same sentence.
Keep it classy, bananafana feux?
“Seriously, Jay, Channing Tatum’s dick is THIS FRIKKIN’ BIG”
ALL DAY I have been thinking the story was about this Channing…
Would have been a better read, methinks.
Huh?
I know, I know. I feel ashamed of myself.
But in the back of my mind I always think that for all Videogum’s intelligence and wit, when it comes to the crunch, its all about the dick jokes. Amirite?
You’re always right, Mr. Butlertron.
Thank you, Wesley
“Dude, your chin is like thiiiiis big.”
Too obvious.
Then I had NBC’s balls like this.
And THAT’s how big Channing Tatum’s dick was.
Conan: I was thinking the show could maybe go for about this long.
Jay (holding up his thumb and forefinger): I was thinking about this long.
Conan: I can count the number of jokes you’ve made in the past 5 years on these two hands.
“Conan O’Brien, pictured left, explains to Jay Leno (not pictured) the heaping pile of money NBC has set aside for Jerry Seinfeld and how fast Leno would be kicked to the curb once Seinfeld expresses interest.”
))<>((
“….and then i would launch said fireball, with my hands, into your dumb face.”
Conan: so you’re saying your asshole is this big, and you like to stick your head in it?
Jay: that’s right
And lo, Conan unveiled his mighty Jazz Hands of doom to smite the hack known as Leno, and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.
This creature has absolutely? no clue how to handle a katana. It’s sad, really. When the scimitar-wielding wallabies attack, his will be a quick and ignoble death.
I mean, this is a comment from the Unicorn Samurai video, but I feel like it works here too.
Accidental downvote. Sorry. ):
Han Solo bargains with Jaba the Hutt saying that if he could only get some more time.
dear god Jabba. JABBA!
I am upvoting you because I can’t say no to Captain Tightpants.
Signed, Mos Eisley Bea Arthur.
I have no witty caption, I’m just wondering if anyone can add Conan’s hair to my pic? Anyone out there?.
Here you are…
Kinda scary, no?
Terrifying. Truly terrifying.
Aah!
(Thanks friend)
I sat next to that kid in art and his name was Jeremiah.
“No, I’m not talking about a LITERAL douchebag…”
coco: well ham-fisted is kind of like…well, really i’m surprised you, of all people, don’t know what that expression means.
“I know that seems comically large, but I’m not sure how else to make this rape-rape metaphor more tangible for you.”
Conan: “I once saw another chin THIS BIG.”
five. five dollar foooooooot looooongss.
“We settle this with a game of Mercy!”
“Even though it meant we had to freeze the Masturbating Bear in carbonite, I’m excited to take over the Tonight Show. And thank you, Jay, for being such a class act and not screwing anybody over. Ever.”
“i just wanna burrow inside your hair, make myself a nice home for the winter”, jay and conan (simultaneously)
No one is putting chins on their avatars.
“…so anyway, Jay, back in New York, before I met my wife, I used to bang this chick named Liz Lemon, and she had SUCH an ass…”
“I’ve worked about ‘this’ long earning the Tonight Show chair, so my point is please stop being a starved for attention megalomaniacal billionaire television personality and just try being an attention starved non-television personality billionaire. Please, for CoCo’s sake?
Conan: See, I used to write for the Simpsons back when it was funny. While it has gone on too long and isn’t as funny as it used to be, you only have one of those problems. You are just as funny as you’ve always been.
Conan: My Tonight Show is going to make America forget that the last 15 Laugh Free Years and I’ll be crowned the next Johnny Carson.
Leno: My dismal lead in numbers are going to make America forget that you are on.
Conan: “One day, all of this will be yours.”
See, he said the problem didn’t lie with his small penis… but rather, with your… BIG vagina.
YOUTH IN REVOLT
After Jay quoted Cool Hand Luke for the third time, Conan resorted to ironic sign language.
YOUTH IN REVOLT
“Alright. One more time. ‘Headlines’ are not jokes.”
“…”
Carson Daly? No, I’ve never heard of him either.
Conan: “Be cool, my babies.”
Leno: “Cars.”
Retire now or I’m sending Andy Richter to your house to take a shit this big on your doorstep.
“something about assholes and cocks”
This has nothing to do with this contest but holy crap the comments on the unicorn video:
you need to get even whiter. may not really be possible, but if possible, i’d like to see it happen
the sword needs to be a little bit bigger.
for some reason, because of the larger overall body size, i fell that either the unicorn uses daggers, or a slightly bigger sword.
and unfortunately, a bit fast
but overall, i think that it looks great. i can imagine a pure? white you, with a bit of sparkle. that’ll be magnificent
“And then after I caught the fish this big, and made it into a delicious dinner, NBC called and pushed my entree back a half hour so you could serve us some Totinos pizza rolls you had thrown in the microwave. Thanks for that. I hope this is not some sort of terrible metaphor for our future together.”
Conan gets set to catch one of Jay’s famous punchlines, making sure to place it down gently next to the others as they are each as delicate as porcelain flowers.
No matter what happens, you’ll always be the winner of this caption contest in my heart.
If we had a baby, it’s head would be this big.
“Jay, this is how much shit you are full of. This is how much shit NBC is full of. These are my hands on your mistress’s breasts. These are my hands going for your throat.”
Conan: “Just RETIRE already!”
Jay: “Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin-chin-chin-chin-chin-chi?”
“Just hold my posterior like so, and plant a big ‘ol smooch on it. Because I will follow your weak shit no more, you big chinned schlub!”
“If you take my show away, I’m taking Topher Grace with me when I switch to FOX.”
Wow, I’ve never gotten so many downers. You people must really HATE Topher Grace. #TeamTopher!
I think it has more to do with the fact that Topher Grace has nothing to do with NBC, O’Brien, or this caption, which means you were trying to bank on an unrelated inside joke for laughs. Not trying to be a downer, I’m sure you’re awesome stupidlisagarbageface, but still.
“friends again?”
Conan O’Brien (left) demonstrates the ratings explosion Jay Leno (right) will enjoy when his show airs in primetime. (Spring 2009)
What do you think your mother would say if she knew you were single handedly responsible for the downfall of a major network?
“Hold on there, Jay Leno, are you absolutely sure that you want to retire? I know that I shouldn’t worry, but I just have this weird feeling that you’re going to change your mind about this and ruin everything I’ve worked for.”
And as I sat there, brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out Daisy’s light at the end of his dock. He had come such a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close he could hardly fail to grasp it. But what he did not know was that it was already behind him, somewhere in the vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.
This is outstanding.
Finnish President Tarja Holonen explains to Jay Leno her nation’s pending UN Resolution, which will decree his airplane hangar full of cars an unacceptable environmental hazard, and, further, will proclaim him “a total prick.”
I’m A FAN OF this. ALSO, FOR some reason WHENEVER I SEE your avatar, I SEE AN image of GLENN Beck. IT’S FUCKIN freakin ME out!
I can’t even make a dick joke. The LAFFS are dying for me! I’m too upset to make a joke. This is where I fall on my knees and scream CONAAAAN!!!! as the camera crane shots into ah fuck it. Conan is the best. NBC, you fools. You stupid, stupid fools.
“Leno, let’s get down to brass tax. You’re a dick.”
CONAN: “Well, Jay, it’s like you said in the New York Times Magazine, ‘Im not one of those guys who says, “Why don’t you want to sleep with me?” I say, “O.K., great — let’s be friends. You want to make a change? That’s great — we’ll make a change.’ Right, Jay?”
JAY: “Actually Conan, I also went on to say ‘Being friends with me means I will wait outside your house and freak out all the potential viewers, I mean, suitors who come to your door and eventually one day when I realize that I made a mistake I will ask you to give me some of my stuff back like my Wilco CD and my neck pillow and even some stuff that wasn’t mine like the George Foreman grill and your grandmother’s necklace and I will take you to small claims court and for some reason the judge will be high on cough syrup and agree with me and you will think it is not it is worth it so you’ll move out of town . We’ll make a change.’”
“I don’t know why I’m banking on something that has been so clearly labeled an ‘experiment.’”
“Bank? I have a lot of money in the bank! I use it to buy a lot of cars!”
JL: You’re a terrible mime.
CO: I know.
Basically, Jay. My plan is to make the entire internet feel bad for me when I lose my spot in a few months – but it won’t be that bad because I have a stack of million dollar bills this big that I can use to go do whatever I want.
Also. I am this much funnier than your funniest joke ever when I’m not even being funny.
“You know something? Bill Hicks was right about you, Jay. Go eat an uzzi.”
What Jay is really thinking about.
“hopefully a bunch of internet people will use this photo some day for a lame caption contest.”
What the hell happened to you?
now THAT is a good question. please clarify: the movie, or the planet? or rather, the avatar or the attitude?
“Look at the hands. No, it’s not a joke. Look at these hands. If you try to screw me over in any way, IN ANY WAY, listen to me. No, listen. You screw me over, and I swear, these hands are gonna WRITE A LETTER. An ANGRY letter. Yeah you heard me.”
Conan’s all like: “And then Jeff Dunham inserts his hands in to these contraptions called ‘puppets’ which he uses to tell HILARIOUS jokes. He is the best.”
Leno’s all: “Ya gotta pay tha troll toll! If ya want tha boy’s hole!”
Or not obvious enough?
No, your right, too obvious.
That was a reply to I Like A Skinny Tie, waaaay at the top. Great.
Conan is crestfallen as it hits him again; Jay just doesn’t get it…
This is exactly how I want you to hold my ass when you kiss it.
General Tso’s CHILDREN Only $5.99? Hahahahahaahahahahahahaha. Ha.
Sorry, I’m an amateur. That was supposed to be in reply to when jofry said this: “No one is putting chins on their avatars.”
You just won the Joefry caption contest. Hands down.
This should convince those people that Pandora is not a World worth killing yourself because you can’t be a part of it. [Also, Jay can plug his USB hair into his vehicles ... which is his ultimate dream. To rape-rape cars.]
Just die already, Jay.
“I know Lindsay left months ago, but really, can’t Gabe just bring back Double Dog already?”
Him?
Too soon!
“So then I said, ‘fuck you Jay Leno’.”
“…What?”
“Fuck you Jay Leno.”
It’s called raise the roof. You start with your hands like this.
It’s great to be here Jay. And let me congratulate you on yet another outstanding Monica Lewinsky monologue joke.
Conan: Say hi to your mother for me.
If you you don’t hurry up and realize that your time is over and that the people want to watch me I’m going to shove my foot this far up you Illeium!