You may have already heard the news, which broke yesterday afternoon, but Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire have been removed from the Spider-Man franchise. From the AP:

Sony Pictures said in a statement Monday that the movie was supposed to hit theaters in 2011 but has not yet gone into production amid rumors of trouble on the set.

Raimi said his work on the previous “Spider-Man” films was the experience of a lifetime, but acknowledged the studio was heading in a “new direction.”

The new movie will be based on a script by James Vanderbilt that focuses on Peter Parker in high school.

On the one hand this is kind of a bummer. Together, Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire made Spider-Man, which was awesome, and Spider-Man 2: The Edge of Reason, which was also awesome. On the other hand, together they also made this, which was not so good. 2 out of 3 is not bad, but 2 out of 3 is not 3 out of 3.

The important thing now is moving forward, probably. I’m sure that is what is important. As a FAMILY. So, with a finalized script already moving into production, and a story in which Peter Parker goes back to high school, who should play Spider-Man? A few suggestions after the jump:

Jonathan Lipnicki

You remember Jonathan Lipnicki! From Jerry Maguire! He is of course responsible for the movie’s famous line, “You had me at hello.” I think. Wasn’t that him? Or is he the one who said “I’ll have what she’s having?” The point is, Jonathan Lipnicki has lost his baby fat and become a baby man, with a completely average and reasonable hair gel budget.

Jaleel White

It may have been 175 years since Jaleel White said goodbye to Urkel and retired his suspenders and Coke bottle glasses, but he still maintains a very youthful demeanor! And anyone who thinks that a black man can’t play Peter Parker because there is a certain amount of respect that should be paid to the source material is probably a DANGEROUS RACIST.

A Two-Headed Taylor Lautner/Robert Pattinson Hydra Monster

No duh this would be the best. The only question is whether or not the science is there.

Elle Fanning

Dakota Fanning’s younger sister is ready to take center stage. Maybe. I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually seen her in anything. It’s possible that I saw the one episode of Law & Order: Sexy Victims Unit that she was on. In any case, Hollywood better act fast, because she clearly only has a couple more years before she turns kind of gawky and awkward, and everyone is like “what happened to the girl whose sister was in I Am Sam? She looks kind of weird now, just like how the girl from I Am Sam looks kind of weird now!”

Justin Bieber

Dude’s already got a swagger coach, whatever that is. It sounds cool. (Does it?) Bieber would also be an interesting choice for the role, because he could continue the on-screen homoeroticism that Maguire shared with co-star James Franco, with a new co-star, Broadway’s own Usher. With great power comes great responsaBIEBERility. (T-shirt.)

Obviously, the movie will be directed by either Joel Schumacher or Nia Vardalos because of how Hollywood is basically just a Great Ideas Factory.

Comments (51)
  1. Banks. He could also appear on the soundtrack. By which I mean, of course, he should be the only thing on the soundtrack.

  2. Conan O Brien should be available.

  3. woozefa  |   Posted on Jan 12th, 2010 +17

    Hey, what’s up with Topher Grace?

  4. What was the point of the first three movies if they’re just going to go backwards? Is this like Spider-Man: Kindergarten Cop or Spider-Man: Billy Madison?
    And I agree with Wettrew, Sexman would be the best. And 50 Cent could play his “best bro for life.”
    But what’s Haley Joel Osment up to?

  5. Jake Gyllenhaal. He was way better than Vincent Chase in Aquaman, give him a go at Spiderman…

  6. What about one of the Glee-tards? Like the 28 y/o Canadian? or Wheel-chair kid? OMG! SPIDERMAN THE MUSICAL! Has anyone thought about that?? Get U2 on the phone, stat!

  7. How about we start giving “man bitten by radioactive spider” roles to men who have actually been bitten by radioactive spiders? I’ve had it with the mutant superhero minstrel show.

  8. I don’t have any suggestions, but I just want to say that picture at the top continues to be one of the best pictures ever taken. That family = the best family.

  9. Ha ha ha ha! Oh man, I completely forgot about that jazz club scene… Yikes!

  10. It’ll probably be Michael Cera, right?

  11. Yes basTURD! Let’s make recently relevant jokes that DON’T have anything to do with what we’re talking about!

  12. The choice is clear.

  13. Spider-Man goes to high school?!? I smell a dance number!!

  14. I just re-watched Spiderman about a week ago for the first time in probably 7 or 8 years. I, like you, had remembered ti being pretty damn good.

    Nope. Do yourself a favor and go take another look. It’s kind of amazing how badly it has aged so quickly.

  15. Spiderman goes back to high school? There’s a slight problem with that. This series started with Peter Parker’s senior year, doesn’t leave much room to maneuver.
    Why not make “Spider-man of a certain age” starring Nicolas Cage?

  16. Raimi said his work on the previous “Spider-Man” films was the experience of a lifetime, but acknowledged the studio was heading in a “new direction.”

    Anytime someone uses the phrase “new direction” I like to hear it as “nude erection” and then laugh and laugh.

  17. The Ranger$. You tell me you don’t want to see Spiderman jerk?

  18. I nominate a dog with peanut butter in its mouth. But if he is busy, Frankie Muniz.

  19. Ice Tea and sidekick Coco.

  20. I know somebody who already knows how to wear tights and a mask.

  21. *reference to past Videogum meme that everybody will love in .gif format*

  22. Avon Barksdale

  23. Clark Gable.

  24. Wallace Shawn

    • I wish I could up vote you twice, once because your screen name is hilarious in a way I can’t explain to myself, way out of proportion to its actual funniness, and then once because Wallace Shawn!!!

  25. Samm Levine JUST “tweeted” (ugh) yesterday that he was up for the same role as Jaleel White in an audition (?). So our dreams may be coming true!

  26. Anton Yelchin, for serious.

  27. Isn’t it a little early to reboot the franchise. Shouldn’t they wait a little while until the awful taste of Spiderman 3 leaves our mouths.

    Too soon Stan Lee, too soon.

  28. Has anyone suggested Spider-Man 3 for the WMOAT? That jazz scene does not get enough discredit.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.