Mariah Carey gave an acceptance speech last night at the Palm Springs International Film Festival (whatever THAT is) for her role in the movie Precious, and it is already legendary. I heard that this speech is so classic that Christopher Lee is going to record a conceptual metal album about it. (CALL BACK!) If you haven’t watched it, watch it, why not.

The question, of course, is where is the Internet’s remix of this speech? I know the video has only been on-line for a few hours, but at this point I thought the Lawnmower Man farted these things out instantaneously (foreshadowing). What are you waiting for, Internet?! I would do it myself but a) I don’t understand why I have to do EVERYTHING, and b) I don’t know how to make remixes. What do I look like, Steve Aoki? Racist.

Although, I did come up with this. It was equally inevitable if you ask me:

Better. You know, just becomes something is obvious and lazy doesn’t necessarily make it wrong. Isn’t that right, MOST OF TELEVISION?

Comments (34)
  1. At least she didn’t embarrass herself.

  2. How many times can you insert the word “drunk” into this? I think I counted at least 3 times, including the time the audience member said it, because that’s clearly what was said.

  3. Please tell me she’s up for a Golden Globe! Ricky Gervais could riff on something like this for a half hour or more.

  4. I really hope Nick Cannon was sitting in the audience with his hands over his face mumbling “Idon’tknowher pleasegodshutup ohgeezgetoffthestage” like she was his mother. I mean, she pretty much is, right?

  5. Mariah Carey: “But it’s life! Precious life!”

  6. Gabe, that was so epic. I may get fired for laughing so hard.

  7. In her defense, I think most of us would take advantage of the open bar they most likely had to have at this event. No one is showing up without an open bar.

  8. I mean, yeah–as things like this go, what did she do/say that was so bad? Don’t get me wrong, I think it is awesome and amazing to see such a famous woman so sloshity-sloshed on stage, but…I was expecting more buffoonery. I think seeing it in real time would have shocked me much more.

  9. I have done much worse, personally. And I am not always proud of that (although, sometimes, I am proud of that).

  10. WHEN DOES this shit GET MASHED up with THE KANYE meme?

  11. I know this has been done too much already, and it is not the year 2009 (we live in the future), but keyboard cat would be so appropriate for this.

  12. I’m fairly positive this is the first and only time Mariah Carey has ever embarrassed herself in public.

    Or not.

  13. My compliments, sir. Marriage has not slowed you down in the least.

  14. Gabe, that might’ve been the laziest and most obvious remix ever, but it was also the FUNNIEST and BEST. (though I’m very glad I was alone in the house when I literally fell off my couch laughing at this)

  15. Looks like someone is trying to get a role in the upcoming Paula Abdul bioipic…

  16. I hope Eminem gets word of this.

  17. The most amazing thing here? Mariah Carey knows who Helen Mirren is.

  18. Who? Oh, you meant Helen Mirren the genius

  19. “Dr. Pepper, ladies and gentlemen!!!”

  20. I think we have all missed out on the spirit of Mariah Carey. When teenage boys listen to her, they don’t think “hey, this woman is drunk and she still sounds about as coherent as she normally does”. Or at least, they don’t think it until after thoroughly examining the size of the object that could be wedged in her cleavage (in my amateur opinion, I would give this one a “toothbrush”). THAT is what the spirit of Mariah Carey is about! Nick Cannon bless us, every one!

  21. I wish everyone gave acceptance speeches drunk. Cut out all the bullshit.

  22. Gabe got Michael Ian Black for the remix!
    Hello farting butterfly!

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