On Friday, AdAge published a story about the licensing of another imaginary energy drink, Booty Sweat, as a tie-in for this summer’s Ben Stiller movie Tropic Thunder. The article included a report that two versions of the drink were going to be created, a plain can for “rural” markets, and then another can for “urban” markets covered in “street slang.” Let’s revisit that, because it’s insane:

Metropolitan stores will carry the description of the concoction as a “delicious and bump up struttin’ energy drink that will pump up a brotha’s ass right-pronto. This swill will crank yo’ metabolism up skippin’ right over jiggy to straight G-pimp level, word to your mutha. Brothas will be layin’ down the 2-3 on the wiggy jig focusing the energy flow into cold-face benjamins that will fill yo’ pimp pockets to burstin’. Damn straight! Booty Sweat will keep a brotha pitchin’ straight game all night to the baby-dolls.”

I’ve now been informed by SOURCES CLOSE TO HOLLYWOOD that this copy was printed on prototype cans displayed at a licensing fair and will not be appearing on actual cans of Booty Sweat, and furthermore that there will only be one version of the drink, which makes sense since it’s just a silly movie tie-in and not a real thing. Therefore, Booty Sweat, when it hits stores, will not be the most racist energy drink. That title continues to be held by Drank.

But there’s one thing that is still bothering me.

THAT THAT COPY EXISTS AT ALL.

I’m glad to hear that both Ben Stiller and Paramount believe that this energy drink should be presented in its simplest, non-racist form, but the fact of the matter remains that those words were strung together in our planet’s history. Even a thousand monkeys typing on a thousand typewriters for a thousand years would never be able to be racist in such a weird, tone-deaf way. Let’s just look at it one more time:

Metropolitan stores will carry the description of the concoction as a “delicious and bump up struttin’ energy drink that will pump up a brotha’s ass right-pronto. This swill will crank yo’ metabolism up skippin’ right over jiggy to straight G-pimp level, word to your mutha. Brothas will be layin’ down the 2-3 on the wiggy jig focusing the energy flow into cold-face benjamins that will fill yo’ pimp pockets to burstin’. Damn straight! Booty Sweat will keep a brotha pitchin’ straight game all night to the baby-dolls.”

“Brothas will be layin’ down the 2-3 on the wiggy jig.” Amazing. Whoever’s responsible for that is a shoe-in for the 2008 Clio for “Most Ridiculous And Offensive Thing.”