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1-800-COLLECT!

Yo cool dudes who are interested in redefining masculinity away from a dull-witted focus on sex and violence into something more three-dimensional and emotionally engaged, and girls who love them for it but not at the expense of their own individuality and personal development! Do you like rock n’ roll? Sure you do. Everybody loves rock n’ roll. In-line skates! But did you know that before Blink 182 and Avril Lavigne and the Goo Goo Dolls there were other rock n’ roll bands? In fact, some of the people who used to love rock n’ roll are your parents’ age, or even older than your parents. Ew, yuck, that is so grody, right? Well, it might be grody, but it is also Important History.

Now, I know that you have probably already heard about Kristen Stewart’s upcoming movie The Runaways. You probably got a SEXT about it in homeroom, and you were like, “nunh-unh.” But did you also know that The Runaways is actually based on a true life story like IRL OMG 4 sure? Yup. It’s about a group of grandmas who used to not be grandmas, and they hung out and did fun stuff just like you like to do now, cars and stuff, long before they had kids or got depressed or died or something. And the best part is they look like vampires kind of. VAMPIRES AWESOME! It actually can be fun to learn HERSTORY.

Very cool, very neat! All the womyn, indypyndynt, throw your hands up at my. Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart should be in all the movies together. Probably!

Comments (53)
  1. I wonder if this movie will (ch ch ch ch ch ch cherry) bomb.

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  2. Im disturbed at how excited I am to see this. Videogum movie club! Ok ok!

  3. Dakota Anne (or whateva, who cares) Fanning! Put some damn clothes on! You bound to catch a cold or make me feel old.

  4. At least there is a reasonable excuse for K. Stew running around in public with That Haircut for months. And the reason isn’t irony. (I’m looking at you, Teagan or Sara. Which ever you are.) That’s a relief, at least.

  5. Man that producer sure was clever. “Go sell girl scout cookies!” Haha, classic sexism.

  6. -_- I hate hate hate that this is giving Kristen Stewart more validation that she is “cool” and “punk” [of course, cool and punk strictly in the Hot Topic checked wristguard-dyed hair-mall rat sense].

    Do. not. want.

  7. The Runaways have the greatest chance out of any group I’ve seen… TO TEAR THIS WORlD APART.

  8. Of course we know it will be a good movie, what with the obvious existence of a coherent plot and everything.

  9. I hope that narrator at the end of the trailer isn’t anyone’s band manager.

  10. “Ew, yuck, that is so grody, right? Well, it might be grody, but it is also Important History” I think Gabe took this from my Holocaust Essay

  11. I think Gabe keeps a little file of magazine ads c. 1989-97 (1800-COLLECT! David Spade has no respect for the dead!) for these Teen Korner posts. I bet he keeps it in a Rolodex! or maybe his Filofax! or maybe he custom-designed a FileMaster Pro database! I give it 2 snaps up with a bag of chips!

  12. I don’t know about the rest of you babies, but this movie looks awesome. I don’t care how many lips K-Stew has to bite, I can’t think of a single other eye-liner burnout this side of Winona Ryder that can pull of Joan Jett like she probs can.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uW_HCdU-qEY

    • I’m definitely not speaking on the merits of making a Runaways movie in the first place, that’s a very different discussion. But since not making the movie isn’t an option anymore, I’m not going to ding Wendy O’Brien for making a good choice with limelighter Kristen “Perpetual Bad Attitude” Stewart.

      • Hey, she casts It’s Always Sunny and Sons of Anarchy! She’s pretty good at her job.

      • I think it will work! At least, I really want it to work, because in the olden days, I had a huge crush on Joan Jett. I might even have stalked her if I’d had a driver’s license back then. And I think K-Stew almost/kind of nails her at :32-34 in the trailer! So, if the whole movie is just 3 seconds long, then it is REASONABLY WELL DONE and I AM THERE! with my STALKING SHOES ON.

        And if it is a hit, then maybe we’ll finally get an X-Ray Specs movie.

  13. Hm, I am surprised by the hostility to this 50 second collection of clips… Also Kristen Stewart is only 19. Maybe cut her a little slack on the “She’s not cool!” front… I know how cool I was at 19. I was not very cool at all.

  14. I’m kinda looking forward to this movie. Joan Jett is pretty goddamn awesome so hopefully vampireface and the annoying thing from War of the Worlds can pull it off.

    • That annoying thing from War of the Worlds? Be more specific.

      Dakota Fanning looks like she’s doing her “there is a camera? time to FUCKING ACT, MAN” thing. Her stare at the camera was full of act. Also Kristen Stewart throwing that glass at the wall was pretty convincing glass-throwing! I am intrigued!

  15. “These girls have the most chance…” Most Chance? Is that how grammar works?

  16. At least it will introduce a new generation to Joan Jett and her lip-biting ways.

  17. Yikes, they should have buses to jail waiting outside of every showing of this movie.

  18. Looks good for a biopic. Whoever cast Michael Shannon as Kim Fowley is probably a genius.

    • I was thinking the same thing. Based on his performance in Bug alone he has proven to be able to pull off crazy pretty effectively.

  19. really, a biopic about the plasmatics would’ve been eminently more entertaining, and would’ve involved k. stew, obviously playing wendy o, getting jiggy with a sledgehammer onstage whilst wearing only shaving cream. there are many jokes to be made re: a wooden actress and a literal piece of wood, but i will be demure and not crack them.

  20. I turned my sound on to watch this trailer and unbeknownst to me, my itunes was already on and I spent the first half thinking that Regulators was a very daring song choice for a movie about The Runaways.

  21. “It’s about a group of grandmas who used to not be grandmas…long before they had kids or got depressed or died or something.” GABE YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!

  22. When did dakota fanning stop being 12?

  23. I was just wondering about her age. I’m sure each time her parents throw her a birthday party (and when I write “each time” I mean once a year, for those of you who aren’t familiar with how birthday parties work) they think she’s grown a year older (understandably), but then the next day she looks closer to her baby self circa I Am Sam. Basically, she’s just plain rude.

  24. I love how the clip of K Stewart has her licking her lips at the 30 sec mark. It’s like that college humor video all over again.

    • I literally applauded at that bit. It was like a personal gift from whoever edited this (probably the same person who did that College Humor video).

  25. “Who’s Joan Jett? Why aren’t any of the characters sexting?!” – America’s Youth

    I wish I was joking…

  26. i’m scurrrrrrred!
    this movie is CUTTING EDGE!
    lesbianism is COOL!
    so is PEDOPHILIA!
    Dakota Fanning is SOooo not 12!
    and K Stew is the BADDEST ASS!

    I’m starting to think I need my Josie and the Pussycats ears back ON to deal…

  27. BUT THEY MADE UP A CHARACTER FOR ALIA SHAWKAT. oh my

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