Spike broadcast the 2009 Video Game Awards this weekend, because that is a thing that exists, and they invited the cast of Jersey Shore to present an award (sure) alongside Mike Tyson (double sure). I’m sure that I don’t need to explain how a caption contest works to you, unless you are actually ON Jersey Shore. The winning caption will receive placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball (no homo), and the losing caption will probably bear pretty close resemblance to what Mike Tyson is actually saying (because downvotes to anyone who actually watched the Video Game Awards).

(Image via NJ Star-Ledger.)

Comments (132)
  1. I will flex until you love me, guidos.

  2. “This is how I tend to hold a microphone.

  3. considering that little tan one getting clocked in the face is my ONLY context for this show, i’m going to bow out.

  4. I wish I had a pickle.

  5. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if weren’t for you meddling kidz…

  6. a guy who punches people standing next to snooki….nope, can’t think of anything.

  7. Snookers are you single? ’cause from what i hear.. you really know how to take a punch.

  8. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  9. “What’s more ridiculous, my face or you people actually existing? har har har”

  10. I can fist bump with the best of them all night!

  11. I think Mike Tyson is foreshadowing here? Definitely.

  12. ‘Pickles is my thing’- Mike Tyson

  13. Snooki, you have some sort of large white moth eating your hair. Here, let me knock it off for you.

  14. “The Japanese poet Basho once said, ‘Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought.’ P.S., I’m going to eat your children.”

  15. Mike Tyson: No homo but I would love to punch that pretty little face of yours

  16. Is the coin in this hand, or in THIS hand?

  17. Everybody in this photo had to have a responsible adult drop them off at the auditorium.

  18. Someone insert a .gif of that Tyson fist pumping a la Vinny in E01S01.

  19. “F*** you in F********* A**********? Oh, I’ll F****** You in your F************ A*********** and L******* your F********** donkey!”

  20. “Guys, make sure Vinny knows that if he doesn’t take care of his pink eye, THIS happens. And by this I mean my odd facial tattoo that you cannot see in the picture. I will fuck you until you trust me about my eye tattoo.”

  21. “I heard you were a fan of Punch Out”

  22. “By Your Powers* Combined, I am Captain Pounded-Out!

    “Ed Hardy, Tequila, Bronzer, Thong-Bikinis….”

  23. Pictured, from left to right: Sadness

  24. “I knew there was an ethnic stereotype we forget to include in Punch-Out! I can’t believe we had a Russian who loved soda pop, but no Guidos.”

  25. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  26. “… And this is what I call The Situation………… You pussy ass little white boy faggot! I’ll eat your ass alive!”

  27. “That wasn’t a knucklesandwich . . . THIS is a knucklesandwich.”

  28. They’re Gr-r-reat!

  29. “which of you hoes wants to pound it out later?”

  30. Can you guys introduce me to Rocky Balboa?

  31. “If you can take a punch like that, you are fit to be my girlfriend, you know what I’m saying? You know what I mean?”

  32. Mike “(We’re gonna need a bigger) The Situation”

  33. Probably something along the lines of Ima let you finish… blah blah blah, because awfulness.

  34. MT: I’m with wanting to have anal sex with you.
    Little Girl Big hair: I’m in.
    Tall one with jugs: sure.
    Douche: no homo, but yeah. let’s pound this out!

  35. Why I oughta…

  36. Get in my van, Snookie

  37. Ima let you finish, but Growing Up Gotti was the most regressive Italian stereotype reality tv show of ALL TIME.

  38. “We punch those we love, Snook, babe. We bite those we hate.”

  39. Standing next to you guys actually makes me look like a decent person. Thanks.

  40. The gang inquires about how Tyson got so tan, while secretly wondering how his ear grew back.

    • I don’t remember how it went down because I was a child then, but did Mike Tyson bite his own ear off? I guess that explains why everyone calls him the Van Gogh of Boxing.

    • I don’t remember how it went down because I was a child when he was actually a big deal, but did Mike Tyson bite his own ear off? I guess that explains why everyone calls him the Van Gogh of Boxing.

  41. “Do you iron, Mike? Your shirt’s so crispy, bro.”

  42. yikes, I wouldn’t fuck this contest with a stolen dick. see ya later!

  43. don’t worry ladies, mike tyson who has never been accused of rape, domestic violence or assault is here to defend your honor.

  44. 4 for the price of 1, you think I can do it guys?

  45. “I hate your parents. I would like to eat their children.”

  46. Give me a rhinestone Ed Hardy shirt or I’ll eat your asshole.

  47. i love how the one guy gearing up to use the female as a potential shield

  48. “You’re sweet. I’m going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I’m gonna make you my girlfriend.”

    –Mike Tyson

    • Clarification: Mike Tyson actually said this, to a male canadian boxer.

      • Alternative comment: ?I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.? –Mike Tyson

  49. “I’m honored to stand here with The Jersey Shores.”

  50. J-Woww (thinking): “I’d probably still fuck him.”
    Snooki (thinking): “I’d definitely still fuck him.”
    Pauly D (thinking): “Is it wrong of me to wanna fuck this guy?”
    Mike The Situation (thinking): “I wonder if I should tell that homo Pauly D that I can read minds.”

  51. Your show is a abominablesnowmannation.

  52. Crocodile Dundee voice: “That’s not a punch in the face.
    *That’s* a punch in the face”

  53. “Any of you guys know what Sasha Grey’s choice for best album of the decade was? Tell me or I’ll punch you.”

  54. Guido #1: Fifty bucks, half-an-hour. No anal, bro.
    Tyson: Fifty seems a bit high. How about forty?
    Guido #2: Nah fuckin’ way! You should see what she can do to a pickle. Fifty, bro.
    Tyson: (shakes fist) How about I give you forty and you get to keep your face?

  55. ♫ “I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord…” ♫

  56. And the winner for the best RPG of 2009 goes to…

  57. Sexual desire flowing in every possible direction behind this particular podium.

  58. You can’t SPIKE this PUNCH!

  59. Yeah bitch, give me one of them bloood diamonds!

  60. I going to rub tanner all over you until you love me.

  61. “You guys listen to WFMU?”

  62. I just need to say, since I just found the same list of “Mike Tyson quotes” that most of the rest of you must have, that it should not be possible to finish that list and still find it all so funny.

    “I’m the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I’m like that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn’t know what to do. I’m from the ghetto. I don’t know how to act. One day I’m in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know, ‘You’re the heavyweight champion of the world.’ … Who am I? What am I? I don’t even know who I am. I’m just a dumb child. I’m being abused. I’m being robbed by lawyers. I think I have more money than I do. I’m just a dumb pugnacious fool. I’m just a fool who thinks I’m someone. And you tell me I should be responsible?”

    I mean…Jesus.

  63. I had a game called Punch-Out. What’s your game called … Whore-Out?

  64. “It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break someone’s no— oww”!

  65. mike tyson: isnt it funny that people like me more than they like you?

  66. “Let’s form Voltron! (Only tacky.)”

  67. Tyson: “I just got the Perfect Brownie brownie pan from the TV that makes perfect brownies every time.”
    Snooki: “What?”
    Pauly D: “Does it make ham and sausage brownies?”
    Tyson: “I don’t understand why I’m here.”

  68. -”And my hand was this far up her ass!”
    -”Psh, only that far?”


    “Are you going to start a situation, Situation? Because the situation is about to get too hot for the Situation to handle, if you get what I mean about the situation, Situation.”

  69. “Waitaminute! You said his name was Little Mac?! We have a common enemy, Snuckers! Let’s join forces!”
    (It’s funny because his voice is all high-pitched n’ shit)

  70. Tyson: Oh, you crazy kids with your hair gel and gonorrhea. You think you’re cool? You’re not cool til u get a bitchin face tattoo.

  71. Listening to house music, fist pumping like a heavy weight champ!

  72. I’ve made a huge mistake.

  73. peace y’all

  74. MTV Remakes ‘Do The Right Thing”; Everyone Loses.

  75. Tyson: See, Snooki, no ring. So, how ’bout it?

  76. “See kids, I just draw eyes and a little moustache on my index finger and then I talk in a funny voice. That’s how Mr. Lefty comes to life!”

  77. “Do you guys play Invisible Phone? Yeah? Okay, me first. ‘Invisible Phone, who is it please?’ okay and now you go – you just say the other end. Guy? Okay, we’ll start again: “Invisible phone… No I’m afraid I can’t help you with that, here let me hand you to my colleagues…’ And then you… Do you get it now?… Come on! Invisible Phone!’”

  78. “I’ll fuck you till you want to go home and have ham and water, JWOWW!”

  79. You drink your MikeShake… you drink your MikeShake all up!

  80. “Who gave ya’ll Shore leave?”

  81. I’m a delusional, bipolar, rage-aholic who’s been convicted of rape and actually paid someone good money to tattoo one-third of my face, but damn…I feel sorry for you kids.

  82. “And THIS is how you use a Shakeweight!”

  83. “I knew an Italian once”

  84. “One of these awards shows…pow, right in the kisser! Straight to the moon!”

    I guess that would be more appropriate at the VMAs, or possibly never.

  85. “You crazy for this one, Snook.”

  86. Yo. Thanks for making me look less creepy.

  87. “Hey yous Romans, lend me your ears.”

  88. “The festive celebration ended with a game of strip dreidel. It was a very short game. Everybody won. The End.”

  89. Soon you too will fade into bolivian

    • I really hope that you meant “bolivian” and didn’t mistype “oblivion” because I really enjoy the idea of Bolivia being where you get exiled to once you aren’t relevant anymore. Like how Austrailia started with criminals, except with more Flavor of Love cast offs and Real World/Road Rules Gauntlets.

  90. (Awkwardly reads from teleprompter): “Well that’s too… bad because this ‘knockout’ list of nominees would probably f… f@&% your a#$.”

    • [Insert "Catchphrase of the Decade" Winner, and modify to include reference to Mike Tyson biting a guys ear off, and his history of being abusive to woman, and tie that in to the people on Jersey Shore being deplorable people, perhaps ironically making it seem like their annoying habits are more repulsive than the things that Tyson has done.]

      Including it in HTML tags causes your post to not exist … apparently the above auto-joke command isn’t recognized by HTML. I am not Proffessor Interwebs over here.

  91. And now presenting Best Driving Game, One of the greatest heavyweight boxers of all time, and three people who are on a reality show that has aired one episode to date.

  92. Thee? While you guyth are hypnotithed by my raithed left up here, I got my right curled like a rolex thpring back here. POW! SWISH! CLICK! BLEED! And that’th how a thober man does it. Guyth? Fellath? * MIke tries to keep his shoes clean as he steps about in the remains of the JS cast.

  93. I bet I could fit my entire arm in your vagina.

  94. One of these days Snookie… BANG! BOOM! POW! To the Moon!


  96. And then Ralph says “pow right in the kisser.”

  97. “Yarrrrggggg!!!”

  98. lololo OMG best!!! You should get a job captioning! HAhahahahha

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