All of the guidos and guidettes gathered around the menorah. Well, no. All of the guidos and guidettes were upstairs in the bathroom, blowing out their hair, or tanning in the tanning beds that they owned. They weren’t just going to fuckin’, like, gather around some fuckin’ candleabraah until they looked good, son! Jwoww picked out the perfect Hanukkah g-string to wear under her Hanukkah cut-offs. “Let’s go, you sluts!” she yelled at the other guidettes. “Fuck you, you whore!” Angelina yelled back. Snacko didn’t yell anything, she was puking her guts out.

“Where’s Ronnie?” The Situation asked.

“He’s doin’ sick Reps, bro,” Pauly said. “He drank like 10 Diet Red Bulls.”

“Well is there any Diet Red Bulls left?” The Situation asked.

“Why don’t we get off of Diet Red Bulls because I just did your mom from behind.”

They high-fived. Ronnie came in, shirtless. Because Ronnie doesn’t own any shirts. He gave everyone a high five.

“I don’t know why we have to be late to Hanukkah just because Snockle had too much to drink,” Sammi pouted.

“If you have something to say to me, why don’t you say it to my face?” Snickar shouted from the bathroom.

“Because I don’t want to get your puke breath on me, in my mouth. I’m a elegant lady, OK? You need to respect that!”

There were some puke sounds from the bathroom, and then a hairdryer. The hairdryer sound continued for two and a half hours. Finally, Soc2kfasl came down the stairs in her underwear and fuck me heels. There was a little bit of puke on all of it.

“Hanukkah!” she squealed. “I hope I get a babbbbbby! Every princess should have her own babyyyyyyyyy!”

The guidos and guidettes were almost ready to gather around the menorah. But first, they went out partying. They hit up one of the tightest clubs on the whole shore. It was called Pantomimes. Jwoww began to freak a potted plant. “Come home with me,” she purred into the potted plant’s leaf. “Show me your dick!” She slapped the potted plant. The Situation did body shots off his own stomach, because no one else’s stomach was hot enough. He leaned in drunkenly on Ronnie’s shoulder. “No homo, but do you ever wish you could just fuck yourself?” Ronnie was like, he was like, Ronnie was like, “Dude, if I could fuck myself we wouldn’t even be having this colliloquy right now.” They both high fived a bunch.

Back at the house, the guidos and guidettes fucked a ton of strangers in the hot tub on the roof until someone kicked someone else out, I don’t know, you know how it is. JERSEY SHORE IS THE DREAM BABY. The guys was like “don’t cockblock,” and the girls was like “don’t bring that shore trash into my home,” and the guys was like “at least some girls around here no how to have fun,” and the girls was all for real like just straight up “I will scratch you in the eyes.”

Finally, everyone gathered around the menorah to celebrate a real Jersey Shore Hannukah. They stared at the menorah for a couple of minutes. “Now what?” Sammi asked.

“Oh, you know what?” Vinnie, the most normal and relatable of them, said, “I think it’s supposed to have candles or some shit in it.”

Everyone just stared at the menorah.

“My ma told me that you is supposed to eat pancakes made out of potatoes. Can you imagine that?! You’re like oh snap, pancakes, and then you, fuckin’, like, bite it and you’re like OH SHIIIIIIIIT. Jews are crazy. You know the Holocaust is a myth?” Ronnie said. Or maybe Pauly.

“What’s the Holocause?” Jwwow asked.

Everyone got bored with talking about what stuff was, and they all agreed that potato pancakes was weird and gross. So they went out to the Windmill and got some chili cheese fries instead.

“Yo, I am vibing on these chili cheese fries right now, son,” The Situation said. “No homo, but I love Hanukkah.”

It was time to exchange gifts! Most people got bottles of hair gel, or tanning oil, or sleeveless t-shirts with funny slogans on them, like “I’m With Wanting To Have Anal Sex With You” (arrow pointing to dick). Jwwwwwowww opened up her present. It was a small glass bottle. “What’s this?” Jwwowwwwwwwwwwwww asked.

“It’s a bottle of prescription medicinal shampoo,” Sammi said. “For your bush.”

“You guys should totally kiss right now,” Ronnie said. “I’ll give you 35 SkeeBall tickets if you kiss.”

But they didn’t hear him, because they were too busy kissing. Scratchers pouted in the corner. Whenever two people started kissing it made her eyes sad because that meant they weren’t thinking about kissing her, probably. Pauly started reading a Chinese take-out menu out loud. “What are you doing?” Angelina asked him.

“I’m reading the story of Hanukkah.”

“It’s beatiful,” she said. Pauly shrugged.

The festive celebration ended with a game of strip dreidel. It was a very short game. Everybody won.

The end.

Comments (51)
  1. The situation right here is that this is amazing. I give it 8 abs out of a possible 6.

  2. BNPG: Shnankle

  3. I asked for, fucking, I asked for a new tanning bed for Christmas, but my mom was all, fucking, she just gave me a fucking sweater so I, so I fucking, I fucking punched her and shit. MLIJS.

  4. Got my fists pumpin’ bro.

  5. Jersey shore king, are you listenin’,
    Lets run a train, her tits be glistenin’
    A beautiful sight,
    Don’t cockblock tonight.
    Walking in a guido wonderland.

  6. More like “dance the Whore-a”, HAAAAY! *bootypops on a tiny orange man*

  7. “colliloquy”?! This is the best You Can Make It Up ever.

  8. This isn’t really fiction…… but hay if Gabe wants to re-cap last weeks Jersey Shore thats fine with me

  9. ‘”I’m With Wanting To Have Anal Sex With You” (arrow pointing to dick).’ – is that a real shirt?…because I kinds of wants it. *shame*

  10. You totally pounded out that story, bro!

  11. one time, i had become pretty close friends with a girl, and then we were talking and the holocaust came up and she asked me what that was. she was 24. i stared at her until she explained that one of her siblings died tragically, and the incident caused her parents to completely freak out and stopped paying attention to the rest of the kids, and so she basically never did any homework or went to class for all of high school and junior high. so if something was too sensitive to teach a 4th grader, she probably hadn’t ended up learning it. she doesn’t buy clothing 2 sizes too small or have crushingly low self esteem that manifests itself into sleeping around and cursing people out over perceived disrespect, though. she just lives as though the world began in 1980.

    • Maybe I’m just cynical (I am), but I would have been extremely suspicious of that story. But I’ve known far too many compulsive liars in my life.
      I once dated a seemingly normal girl and began catching her in huge, staggeringly pointless lies (she carved “help” into her back and told me she woke up with it). One day, her friend called me and asked me if I was okay. I said yeah and asked why. Apparently my girlfriend told her that her ex tried to run her over with his car, but I pushed her out of the way and broke my knee in the process.

      We still dated on and off for a few months after that. I had a lot to learn.

      • no, it’s true. she really just didnt know what the holocaust was, or why i was making such a big deal about her not knowing. i think the way i told the story makes it sound like she was being sensational, but she wasnt. she had mentioned her family before in passing, but told me more to make me understand how a person could not even know about the holocaust. she was a very stable person who just happened to have spent her childhood drinking and making sure her younger siblings had eaten lunch.

        allllllllllso i am a heterosexual girl, and am not as easily distracted by vaginas. so that completely unstable attention seeking stuff tends to be less effective.

      • You crazy for that one, That One.

  12. puke breath on me, in my mouth, and then a hairdryer, and fuck me heels.

  13. Challah at ya goyem.

  14. Woooowwwwwwwwwww!
    Just wow.
    Honestly, I felt Gabe held back a bit in his initial write up of the series premiere of Jersey Shore (and rightly so- it got plenty of attention all over the web). But this YCMIU is what I was waiting for all along!
    Ronnie was like, he was like, Ronnie was like, “Dude, if I could fuck myself we wouldn’t even be having this colliloquy right now.”
    SO GOOD!
    Fist pumps all around! On me!

  15. it did…

    worst president ever

    USA! USA! USA!

    (get it, because some dumb people are obsessed with this bad person)

  16. “Y is it only JOOZ that get 2 celebrate Hadooken?” – Guido.

  17. Mike IS The Situation. You made him sound like a schizophrenic with a serious Oedipus complex.

  18. I haven’t seen the actual show yet, but I think this is all I need to get the gist of it.

  19. Awesome Jersey Great Job! Many fist pumps to you, Gab.e

  20. They all sat down to say grace because it is Han a ha ha ha Hanukka hahahaha!…. Sorry, I mean they all sssaid grrrrace hahahahah!!!

  21. Then they all played Orrin Hatch’s Hanukkah song and they was all like “Who da fuck is this old dude?” and she was all like “I heard he’s the president of Utah or some shit” and then he was all like “What’s Utah?” and then somebody barfed in some chick’s mouth IT WAS FUCKIN’ RAD BRO.

  22. Not to be a gweed, but your needs an upgrayde!

    -”ing to” = “n’a”
    “to” = 2
    “I love you, my mother” = “fu*k ya ma”
    “topless” = (excessive adj.; it’s implied)


  23. The party’s in Pauly D’s pants tonight (a great miracle happened there).

  24. Hold up. How did she carve a word into her own back?

  25. Attention Webby’s: This YCMIU is The Situation.

  26. Jewwow, That was great, Gabe!

  27. Then they all took turns punching Snickles in the face and a new Hanukkah tradition was born.

  28. wolf gets blitz’d!

    Hosted by

  29. “The festive celebration ended with a game of strip dreidel. It was a very short game. Everybody won.” = a damn perfect paragraph.

  30. I want to f*** this story in the f****** a******, right now.

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