Fred is getting his own movie? Fred is getting his own movie. If you don’t know who Fred is, then you are probably almost as old as I am (I am 109 years old), but the kids love him and they want to abandon the archaic tradition of marriage with him. More about Fred here (and here). The news that Fred was getting a movie first surfaced in July, but today the New York Times has a whole article about it. It sounds great! (It doesn’t sound great.):

“Fred: The Movie” follows the character as he tries to track down Judy. Along the way he digs a hole from his backyard to hers, fantasizes about an invisibility suit, gets lost in some woods, becomes buried in sand and, when he finally does find Judy, vomits on her.

It’s weird that they don’t let more 16-year-olds playing 6-year-olds write their own movies! “There is a Candy Wizard but he is tired, and then one day a pony gives a kiss.” Gives who a kiss? Shut up, what do you know about entertainment, OLD MAN?! Anyway, I’m not the intended audience for this, and that’s fine. I’m not the intended audience for a lot of (most) things! I’ll still drive you and your brother to the mall, but we are listening to NPR on the way, because Brokencyde just sounds like noise to me. But I don’t like how the makers of Fred: The Movie are pretending like someday I will be the audience for this:

Fred’s high-pitched voice and his higher-pitched antics strike a lot of adults as fingernails on a chalkboard, but children fall on the floor laughing. Mr. Robbins said that his young sons and their friends helped convince him there was film potential in the character, which also scored high with potential audiences in research testing.

“If you’re an adult, you’re a little put off at first — what is this?” said Gary Binkow, the chief executive of the Collective’s Salient Media division. “But once you start watching, you realize it’s hilarious.”

Nope! Once I start watching, I don’t realize it’s hilarious! I’ve known about Fred for awhile now, and I have watched more Fred videos than I would care to admit (because I want to know what to talk about when I am swinging on the flippity flop), and it is true that I am “a little put off” and that I wonder “what is this?”. But once I start watching it is just more of that.

This is even worse:

[Fred] shrugged. “He’s an acquired taste, I guess,” he said. “Like sushi.”

UGH. Did we all fall into a time machine and go back to 1991? I am pretty sure everyone is in agreement now that sushi is delicious. The last time I saw a joke about how sushi was gross and weird and only eaten by stupid yuppies was in a 1-800-COLLECT commercial.

I hope that Fred is better at making movies than he is at making analogies!

Comments (47)
  1. What would Agent Cody Banks do?

  2. Seriously – we are at the precipice of the slippery slope to Idiocracy, and this movie is a strong kick to the stomach.

      SUBJECT: Gabriel, Do you acknowledge me on that photo?

      you any comfort that i this plot was successfully carried/./
      govern what you can do strain as he might have felt

      The Thanks are Multiple
      - An American Patriot

    • Such a blow would cause us to double-up, thus causing us to fall forward and saving us from maimedness.

      You are saying this movie is our savior? Just take my vitals and leave me to rest, nurse.

  3. I read in the Wall Street Journal that Collective’s Salient Media Division is the leading producer in the Perfect Analogy Sector of the Horrible Ideas Industry.

  4. Aww man… I thought my dreams of a Fred Rogers biopic were coming true… Maybe next year?

  5. Oops I made a series of inane, gritty, boxxee-level annoying videos and now I’m famous. MLIF (my life is fred)

  6. I am uncomfortable being around any behavior conducive to profanity.

  7. well i do like sushi and i am a racist, SO I MUST LIKE FRED!
    no i don’t. Gary Binkow I’m calling you a liar. feel free to refute.

  8. also, I can see us being on the edge of a “fredgemony” (oops sorry for the awful)

  9. This guy looks like a cross between my high school boyfriend and a lemming.

  10. I just Pedro Almodóvomited.*

    *Yeah, I know this was my comment for yesterday’s “Spanish Movie” post, but I couldn’t think of how to work “Fred” into a synonym for throwing-up (barFred?) and I really, really like typing “Almodóvomited.”

  11. Annoying YouTube star #2, Nigahiga, got his own movie. It was only time before the worst got his own too.

  12. “Mr. Robbins said that his young sons and their friends helped convince him there was film potential in the character, which also scored high with potential audiences in research testing.”

    I want to fart in Mr. Robbins’ cereal.


    • Please, can we have this? It is sad (awesome!) how many times I would go to the theater to watch Maru go in and out of boxes and hampers, and slide across the floor, and jump and fall for two hours.

  14. Just to be clear, there’s a Fred movie in the making, and a Monopoly movie in the making, but, no Pepper Ann movie in the making?! GAH!!

  15. Blah blah blah, Fred is annoying, whatever, you guys are all ignoring the best part of this, which is that the director’s name is C. Weiner! Bahaha!!!!

  16. From the article: “With the cameras rolling, Mr. Cruikshank started to sob as he dug and shrieked his line: ‘It?s just getting too hard! But I?ve got to do it ? for Judy.’” Holy TWSS, Batman.

  17. I don’t know a single thing about Fred. I didn’t even know he existed until I saw this post. I feel like I’ve missed out on a major zeitgeist here (zeitgeist means collective barfing and pooping in abject disgust, right?)

  18. You guys are all wrong, Fred is actually pretty hilarious if you keep up with the videos. I’m kidding, I don’t even know what this is.

    • I really like the idea that is some continuity to these videos and only if you are a devoted follower will you understand the mystery that is Fred.

  19. I don’t like sushi, but I guess I am too uncultured to like it. Just like we are all too uncultured to find Fred bearable.

  20. Fred’s on top.
    You know, creme rises to the top, but so do farts in the bathwater. So, I have no point to make.

  21. Fred is not for adults. Fred isn’t even for kids! Fred is only for 13 year olds. THAT IS ALL.

  22. Man, you laugh, but if Michel Gondry made the movie described in that little blurb we’d all be lining up to see it.

    • god, yes. and it would be an amazing film. i’m most excited for the tunnel scenes! i hear Gondry built it out of felt, cellophane scraps, and twigs he found on his evening walks.

  23. What? How is this possible? Did we all travel 500 years in the future where the most popular TV show is “Ow My Balls”? Because I can think of no other excuse for Hollywood’s recent greenlit projects, ESPECIALLY “Fred: The Movie.”

  24. The scary part is if we’re going down the list of YouTube stars, Jeff Dunham is the next one to get a feature-film adaptation. Soon we’ll be all be looking back fondly on the days of Monoply, The Movie, wondering why the energy drink we’ve been pouring into our gardens isn’t making our plants more extreme. Just kidding. 2012 will happen long before the Jeff Dunham movie does, and we will all be luckily dead.

  25. This movie needs Jeff Dunham on stilts and then “Peanut” on tiny stilts.

  26. Whatever. There’s not much you can say about a guy that sounds like Satan, pretty much, with his voice sped up.

  27. Once upon a time, an executive’s son helped convince him there was film potential in Tom Green as well. History repeats.

  28. Gabe, you do great work! I can tell you are so passionate and dedicated to make it sound like you are in the nineties in this post that you brought out some “Grunge Speak” with swinging on the flippity flop. If there was an option to up vote your posts. I would up vote this post and many, many more.

  29. I’d never heard of this guy until now, and I really resent you for exposing me to him. I was such a nice person until now. His big, dumb face enrages me… it’s like it was made for punching. I literally can’t see that still up there without feeling hatred.

  30. no lie, i would see that wizard/pony movie.

  31. I don’t like Fred. I guess I’m an adult.

  32. Looking forward to the brainy reviews: “What made Fred such a YouTube personality is missing. His videos were fresh, but the plot of this movie feels contrived.”

  33. Nichols1986, you are not a very good spambot/troll. if you were better at your job (assuming your job is to get people to actually see these comments) you would post these annoyances above all of the other comments. gabe won’t even need an intern if you keep up this mediocre work.

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