I know that I have said this before, but I will say it again now, and probably again another time in the future, and probably again after that, all the way until the year 2012, but considering how much time, money, and human effort it takes to make movies, sometimes I am just baffled (BAFFLED!) that these things exist. Like, dozens of people and millions of dollars were involved in the creation of this week’s entry, Hope Floats, and at no point (apparently) did anyone stop to say “Hey, maybe we should NOT do this.” How is that possible? The documentary Idiocracy is about events that do not take place for many many years. I feel like Kevin Kline in his hit movie Dave in the scene where he sits in a White House conference room and solves all of America’s problems by cutting out the bullshit. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Hollywood.” That is something I would say if I was the Dave of Hollywood.

Until then, here is what I have to say about Hope Floats:

Hope Floats opens with Sandra Bullock appearing on a Ricki Lake style 1990s talk show expecting to get a makeover, but instead finding out that her best friend has been sleeping with her husband, and that they are in love. Yikes! That’s so Raven! So, as is the way with these things, Sandra Bullock packs up her car and moves with her daughter back home. You’ve gotta go back home! Where else are you going to go? To a starter home or small apartment so that your child can continue their education and you can maintain the relationships you’ve spent your adult life building? Now who’s being silly?

So Sandra Bullock and her shitty daughter (seriously, her daughter is a total a-hole) move back to Texas into her eccentric mother’s (Gena Rowlands) home. And the rest of the movie is basically exactly what you think: an hour and 45 minutes of clumsily strung together cliches about family, and marriage, and getting older. I’m not sure there was a single original thought anywhere in the entire movie. So, Sandra Bullock gets a job at a local photo development store, but she is so bad at her job! Until later when she gets better at her job! And Harry Connick Jr. likes her, but she doesn’t like him, but eventually she likes him! And if you think that he is just a humble house painter, you might be surprised to discover that he’s actually an architect, but that he doesn’t do architecture as a career because it would ruin the “art” of it. (Sure!) So they get together. Oh, and at one point pretty early on, Sandra Bullock’s mom gently touches her throat and grimaces. I’m sure it’s nothing. It seems highly unlikely that she will die in the third act of the movie, allowing Sandra Bullock to achieve full self-actualization. She probably just has a cough!

This was my face the whole time:

The whole thing was an entire mess, from the plot to the characters to the fucking dissolves (the fucking dissolves!). Although there are some hints right from the beginning that this movie is not going to turn out well. Namely:

Forest Whitaker? You might think that as a thoughtful, talented actor, Whitaker would turn out to be a thoughtful, talented director. NOPE! In fact, you should keep him away from all of the production aspects of your big Hollywood project.

He messed that up, too!

Aw, Forest, come on!

It seems clear to me that this movie was sold completely on the opening five minutes. The scene in which Sandra Bullock finds out her husband is having an affair on a daytime talk show was probably considered a “killer hook” back in 1998. I mean, I remember when the trailers for this movie came out and the talk show scene was one of the two and a half minutes used to entice people. It probably seemed so NOW!

The problem is that the scene is entirely improbable. Not to get too classist, but these are upper-middle class people. This is just not how they air out their problems. (It’s probably not how anyone airs out their problems. Hasn’t it been shown that most of the “guests” on those shows are just actors?) But even if it was a believable scene, there is still an hour and 50 minutes of movie left! You’re hardly done! But that scene seems to be about where everyone stopped working.

“Wrap party!”

Of course, the movie wasn’t all cliches. Because it can’t be a cliche if it’s so weird and makes so little sense that no one has ever seen anything like it. For example, Sandra Bullock goes into an employment office and basically begs the girl who runs it (who used to be a nerd in high school, and resented Sandra Bullock’s good lucks and popularity, OF COURSE) to help her find a job. “Well what are you good at?” the woman asks. “I used to like taking photos,” Sandra Bullock says. “Well, take some photos over the weekend and bring them into me, and we’ll see what we can find.”

HUH? “Take some pictures over the weekend and bring them into me”?! It is convenient that the employment office lady is also a talented ART CRITIC. And then she just gets her a part-time minimum wage job at a photo developing place? That a high school kid could get by walking in off the street? Good employment office!

Well, don’t worry about it too much, because Sandra Bullock will never interact with the employment office woman again. Just like she will never interact with the best friend who stole her husband again. Because what is the point of following character relationships or resolving plotines when you can just fart around with my life for two hours?

I do like this scene though. It’s just beautifully acted, and emotionally powerful.

HE’S ALL YOURS, WARDEN!

If the plot seems thin to you, you should see some of these characters! Everyone is a simplistic, one-dimensional caricature. Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband is a jerk. Her dad has Alzheimer’s. Harry Connick Jr. is nice. Sandra Bullock is a selfish bitch. (Seriously, when her mom collapses from Unnamed Death Syndrome, the first thing Sandra Bullock says is “this can’t be happening to me.” No, it can’t! Because it’s not happening to you, you shithead!) And then there’s this kid:

Get it? He likes to wear costumes! Interesting character trait. Let’s not work on this character anymore, he’s almost too complex. Also, that is so many fucking costumes. No child has that many costumes. Baby Mummenschanz is like “get serious.” Speaking of that kid, he is Sandra Bullock’s nephew, but he lives with Sandra Bullock’s mom because his mom is dating a pilot (huh?). Fair enough, I guess, except that we never see his mom, and after Gena Rowlands dies, he is just…Sandra Bullock’s son? With Harry Connick Jr.?

And then the movie ends with the first and only voiceover from Sandra Bullock’s daugther? About how hard childhood can be? IT TURNS OUT THIS WAS A MOVIE ABOUT CHILDHOOD ALL ALONG!

Now I am confused in addition to being angry.

Anyway, I am 11 years late on what must have been an incredible Hope Floats ironic-headline writing-party, but let just just say that Hope Floats S(t)inks! (You can’t rush perfection!) Easily one of the 10 worst movies of all time. Maybe even top 5. Put it on the books.

Next week: Blindness. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (119)
  1. I would really like to see Sweet November get the Videogum treatment. It’s the worst.

    • Oh man I remember the gist of Sweet November. That’s a good nomination. Though, I wonder if this game has lost its pizazz. I look forward to the column every Monday, so it’ still entertaining? But eventually Gabe is just going to be typing the equivalent of Jon Stewart Shrugs and Jon Stewart Faces at how bad things are. There are only so many ways to express disbelief as to a movie being The Worst.

      Until that day, keep making me laugh, clown.

      • Oh, man then he should let me at it. I am a total pro at taking that movie to task. My friend would rent it for me sometimes if I were in a bad mood, because tearing that movie apart seriously lightens my spirits considerably. I mean, that Charlize is no slouch, but I love how the director’s advice to her must have been “act capricious-ier! no! more! more capricious-lier!!”

        That, and other gems are what you would get if you let me at this thing!

    • seconded! the enya in sweet november outdid the enya in the LOTRs.
      & that was some heavy enya!*
      *negative/positive.

  2. For you monsters’ (and my) convenience, I?ve made a list of all The Worst Movie of All Time entries here in one place: http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/273168812/the-worst-movie-of-all-time-the-complete-list

    On a totally unrelated subject, why does everybody keep asking me if I have too much time on my hands?

    • Wow. Gabe, you should never look at this site, because it’s like all the terrible in one place, and would cause you to experience a crippling PTSD episode. It would be kind of like a Vietnam Vet going back to Vietnam, except instead of a horrific and bloody war in which you inevitably witnessed a lot of people dying, you’d be revisiting people with too much money and no grip on reality making you really annoyed for 85-150 minutes about once a week. So, exactly the same!

    • Parlty at Constantinople’s suggestion, I’ve added two symbols to the list:

      :-) before a title means that Gabe thought it actually wasn’t a bad movie.
      :’( before a title means that Gabe thought it was among the worst of the worst.
      My current annotation is VERY incomplete, however, so if you can help me out by e-mailing me which films would qualify under those two headings I would appreciate it! werttrew99 at yahoo.com or reply to me here. Danke.

      • Wicker Man needs a big :’(

        • The remake right? The director’s cut is so bad it circumnavigates the movie quality globe and comes back around to totally awesome. I haven’t laughed so hard at a movie possibly ever.

      • My research has turned up this much:
        Across the Universe – Worst Musical of All Time
        Driven – Worst Sports-based action movie of all time
        Elizabeth Town – WMOAT (thus far)
        August Rush – Penultimate WMOAT (thus far)

        Gabe has placed the following in the top five:
        Bicentennial man
        Death Sentence
        Driven
        Georgia Rule
        Hanging Up
        In the Land of Women
        Road to Wellville
        And now, Hope Floats in the Top 10.

        GABE! We have a Top 10, thus far. Can we get so ordinal closure.

        • In the comments for the post on “In The Land of the Women, Gabe said the 5 worst were “Elizabethtown, Death Sentence, Crash, August Rush, and [In the Land of the Women].” SO that’s a very recent update. What this bumps out, if there’s a real chart in Gabe’s head, I don’t know.

        • I liked Across The Universe! :-( I also liked Crash. Insert joke about me being young and inexperienced in the ways of good film-making here. :-(

          • i would insert the joke but your modesty makes it no fun stop doing that. Crash was good so that’s fine. possible a little over hyped but that’s no surprise

      • There aren’t too many of The Hunt’s films that I genuinely enjoy, but I have such a deep (perhaps sentimental) fondness for The Fountain. To me, it seems like any given person’s reaction to it is revealing of who they are at their innermost core. I’ve found that my friends who are head-over-heels in love with it usually share my love/hate relationship with human mortality and the occasional existential dread that is an unavoidable part of that package. Essentially, if you’ve ever had a sleepless night, lying motionless, terrified by the inevitability that someday YOU WILL DIE, and finally nodded off feeling completely at peace with this fact, it’s likely that you hold The Fountain right next to your figurative heart.
        There are at least a few instances when I’ve been talking about random movies with someone I’ve only met once or twice when we realized we realized that we both shared the same passion for The Fountain. When that happens, there’s this unspoken bond that instantly materializes. You just know. It seems similar to a bond that two Vietnam Vets would have when learning of each others service*. You don’t really talk about it. You just know.
        I understand there are issues that some people just can’t get around, and I respect that, but it speaks to me in such a deeply direct way that any issue with narrative, pretentiousness, or the perceived silliness of some scenes seems moot. It’s one of the few films that gives me a genuine sense of peace in the face of such a terrifying world.
        Sorry for the wordy, emotional, and yes, pretentious post. On my Videogum Tumblr list of The Worst Movies of All Time, I would give it a :’-)
        *I don’t mean to compare the sometimes arrogant, self-imposed suffering that comes with obsessing over mortality to spending time in the brutal, incessant nightmare of a warzone. I’m just saying there are similarities to that bond.

        • Wow, I’m so ashamed that I posted that in response to an English teacher. I was wondering if I could re-take the exam, Professor Werttrew? I’ve been dealing with some personal issues and my dog ate my computer. Also, my grandma died. What’s that? Oh, I have five grandmas, and they all died this semester.

          • Given the enormous number of typos and gifs in what I tend to post, I don’t think you should be worrying about my opinion as an English professor.

        • This is lent more weight by the fact that I tend to imagine everyone here as their avatars, and yours is Death. Deep man. Deep.

    • I kinda of liked Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist…

    • At which college do you teach? I’d love to take one of your classes.. seems like the most distracted/videogum referencing professor ever.

      • I agree, I am down to enroll @werttrew’s U. At the least we could all sit around and parse bad film, or make films into those nifty moving Gifs. “Where does he get those wonderful toys?!? “

      • I teach at a small four-year private college. I routinely get high marks on my student evaluations, and my students describe me as a funny, relaxed, affable, reasonably easy professor who?ll occasionally start the class with a random Youtube video (David after the Dentist is always popular). They also note, however, that it takes me ages to learn students? names and to get their submitted essays back to them.

  3. YES! My first and probably only ever successful admission to the Hunt. You’re welcome, Gabester. I was about 12 or 13 when I saw this, and even I knew this was one of the shittiest movies I’d ever see. And kids are so dumb and love terrible things! That is how scarringly bad this movie is!

    • Admission? Submission? Suggestion? Words are hard. Good thing I am going back home to Texas next week to stay with my parents! MLIHF

    • Weren’t you going to rewatch this on your own, as sort of a gesture of solidarity with Gabe? How did that go?

      • Oh, ABSOLUTELY NOT. I said I’d punish myself with a viewing for a nonsensical comment, but I wasn’t actually going to do it. Once in my entire life is more than enough. I’ll continue punishing myself in the usual ways – underachieving, never making doctors’ appointments, etc.

    • It’s only an admission if you’re ashamed of us knowing you saw this flick (tho in your defense you thought it was horrible)

  4. So who came up with the “annoying trait involving hats is equal to character development” trait, Whitaker or Roland Emmerich (in reference to Hat Girl in 2012)?

    • I’m hoping it’s not Whitaker. Because that just doesn’t make sense. How could he be like “I am Forest Whitaker and I am a pretty good actor and I study how humans act and relate to one another as part of my job. Therefore, I see that this movie is not total bullshit and paperthin, and everyone is a totally developed character, like duh.”

    • I’m pretty sure that Maze and Monsters used that trick a long time ago.

      Also, the “employment office lady”, based solely on the description given, was obviously trying to sarcastically tell Bullock to fuck off, and when she actually brought in photos, got her the very difficult to land job at a photo hut. But that would be giving the movie too much credit.

  5. In regards to Forest Whitaker’s direction; I don’t think it’s fair to criticize a guy with a lazy eye for having a lack of vision.

  6. I want to know what is going on in the scene where the little girl is making all those zany faces. So many emotions in one scene, its like real life.

  7. I’ve seen many more than ten movies that fit the rules and are much worse than this. If this is currently top five, then this series has a long way to go to get to the bottom, and I’m happy to be along for the ride. I’m getting impatient, but I’ll learn to wait.

  8. Does Sandra Bullock at any point look at her nephew and go, “Did you eat a dog, a frog, a cowboy, and Charlie Chaplin for breakfast?”

  9. On the plus side this was a role Kathy Najimny was BORN to play. Sorry Nia Vardalos but it’s true.

  10. Who buys that kid all those costumes? And what is the relevance of the title? I am so confused with out ever seeing the film I think I might have a stroke!

  11. Hey, don’t call Forest Whitaker a terrible director! Remember, he directed Waiting to Exhale. The LA Times called it “a social phenomena.” A SOCIAL PHENOMENA!!

  12. I enjoyed Blindness, but it was a painful type of enjoyment. It was a “when I get out of here and get miles away from the theater, and wait a few weeks, I will see the poetic significance of white sickness.”

    That said, good luck. There will be movies that will scar you more, but this one might leave you feeling like you need a shower.

  13. Wait, was her mom Geena Davis or Gena Rowlands? Cus Geena Davis seems too young.

  14. Did Forest Whitaker also take it upon himself to overdub the guy in that clip with the voice of ’70s-era John Travolta?

  15. I don’t remember if you did “Life as a House”, but you should. It is sooo bad.

  16. Bland, the early years.

  17. Harry Connick Jr.’s I’m sure masterful portrayal of the love interest in this movie reminds me, please please consider New in Town. Starring Renee Zellwegger as a cold-hearted executive from Miami who comes to a little Minnesotan town to oversee its dairy plant, and hijinx ensue; a major plot point hinges on tapioca pudding; another on Harry Connick Jr.

    • He also played a very similar role in P.S. I Love You. Speaking of which- I nominate P.S. I Love You and Indiana Jones and the Krystal Skull. I got a couple of downies from the 14 year old monsters the last time I brought this up, but no movie has ever made me quite as angry as that pile of shit. It was like George Lucas had punched me in the gut and stolen my purse.

      • Brian Posehn had a good bit on Lucas’s later-day sins. It’s kinda like that one uncle you always thought was cool putting his cock on your shoulder seriptiously while you weren’t paying attention.

      • I’m guessing you got downvoted because Gabe already did Crystal Skull? Whoopsies. But yeah, I saw that on my 21st birthday. I made a huge mistake.

        • Oh damn, you’re right. I just checked wertrew’s list and I can’t believe how many awful, awful movies we’ve forced Gabe to watch.

      • ill admit that i have, terrible, awful taste. i have the taste level of a 45 year old divorcee, just watching diane lane movies on saturday afternnoon on tbs (and yes i have seen and enjoyed hope floats about a million times) but p.s. i love you is a terribly terribly awful movie. the autistic guy? the stupid accents? they way they keep trying to make ireland a “character”? so bad. so so bad. oh and also i forgot to mention how the whole plot is super CREEPY. i dont want to ruin it for everyone, but spoiler alert, this movie will make you barf your eyes out. like you are barfing so hard that it creates a vacuum inside your head, causing your eyes to be sucked out through your mouth.

        p.s. i made you a scavenger hunt from beyond the grave.

        • Speaking of weepy Diane Lane movies, have you seen Nights in Rodanthe? I’m ashamed to admit I caved and watched it one Sunday when there was NOTHING else on TV (and also because I hate myself.) When Richard Gere asks her, “But who takes care of you?” my head nearly exploded.

          • nights in rodanthe is not yet in the tbs/tnt/usa rotation, but i look forward to watching diane lane attempt to rebuild her life, only to realize divorce has given her the opportunity to truly be herself and also have sex with richard gere.

    • New in Town? More like Poo in Town, AMIRITE?!

  18. I bet Gena Rowlands was going through a terrible acid flash-back / Alzheimer’s scare on the set of this thinking “Didn’t I already make this awful movie just a couple of years ago? And why is Julia Roberts even more horrible this time around?”

  19. Hey on a totally unrelated subject, I am trying to add a picture to my profile, but it won’t upload. The page comes up unformatted too. Any thoughts?

  20. You think the Janitor from RUDY is mad that Forest Whitaker took all of his parts?

  21. One of my favorite all time movie memories was when I was in a theater in eighth grade and saw the preview for this movie. At the very end of the preview the voice-over guy said, very dramatically, “Hope Floats.” And a fat dude sitting in front of me immediately yelled, “SO DOES MY SHIT!” Everyone laughed and applauded, because it was so perfect. (Though, I had suspicions he’d seen the trailer before.)

    On a different note, may I please nominate “Swing Vote” into WMOAT consideration? Thank you.

    • i have never seen “swing vote,” but it strikes me as the kind of movie that was produced in the hopes that it would end up shown on turbulent flights to make everyone wish they weren’t on an airplane.

  22. I’d like to nominate Hard Eight. Gwyneth Paltrow plays a hooker. Named Clementine. And John C. Reily and Samuel L. Jackson are in it too, which should be awesome, but instead you spend the whole time wondering what they’re doing in this fuckwad of a movie, which is not awesome. It’s anti-awesome, or “Goop,” if you will.

  23. Oh no! You’re going to ruin Jose Saramago for me by making fun of Blindness! Except I never watched the movie because I love his books too much to ruin it for myself. But I will probably enjoy your review.

  24. Man, Sandra Bullock sure loves her architects. At least this time she doesn’t use a magic mailbox. Or a cardboard cut-out.

  25. SO GLAD we finally got to this movie! And great timing too, considering Bullock’s unfortunate career revival this year. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN, AMERICA?

  26. I’m not gonna act like I didn’t watch this with my mom and cry my eyes out and think this movie was the greatest thing ever. Luckily, I am no longer 13.

    • Uh, yeah. As I college freshman I practically ran to the theater to see this with my friends. Looking back on it, it’s a pretty terrible movie. But I do like the inclusion of Garth Brooks’ version of “To Make You Feel My Love” on the soundtrack. It’s my all time sappy guilty pleasure song. What?! If that makes me the anti-christ around here, so be it.

  27. Blindness? Oh, that will be painful.

  28. Ya know what also floats?

    (puts on sunglasses)

    Poop.

  29. If Michael Bay would have directed this, it would have been a hit. Picture: Sandra Bullock blowing up buildings until she kills her ex. every time screaming “My hope floats” until the end where some faulty wiring ends up getting her killed, where she then says “my hope does not float, it sinks”. Devoid of all dialogue, it would rely soley on the sounds of explosions to capture her anger for her ex. When they get loud you know she’s really mad and when there louder she’s really really mad mad. It would also feature a dog that dies in the fiery rubble so that everyone gets really sad for the charred dog, and then angry at Sandra Bullock, who then dies with the wiring and leaves the audience content. They will deem it a “must see, emotional rollercoaster”.

  30. Gabe, I don’t know if this has been suggested before but you should add Sunshine to the WMOAT candidates. Danny Boyle directed that piece of shit, yet somehow won an Oscar a year later for Slumdog Millionaire.

  31. The movie Sour Grapes is horrible! Not sure if it got a major release, but oh man. If you can make it through the entire movie you are a strong man. Also, another attempt at getting Hamlet 2 on the list!

  32. SIDEWAYS………….

    BUG………….

    and off tangent of WORST category, has anyone seen Brothers? (In Theatres Now)…that movie raped my soul. it was awful.

  33. Oh, Pirate Radio was terrible.

  34. I know there is a fictive element to our recall, but this movie was truly terrible. In consulting my Netflix ratings, this is a one star. I don’t give those out very much, because, like on the SAT, just showing up and putting your name in the credits should net you some points.


    But this one is full of one starredness.

  35. “Hope Floats” is the campaign slogan I’m using for Kevin Costner’s Presidential campaign for 2012. WATERWORLD!

  36. it may indeed be damaging to gabe’s soul and mental well-being to be regularly subjecting himself to all this film-vomit, but i do have to say it’s such a great segment. please keep writing this segment! and please take the necessary precautions to keep your rationality about you.

  37. nicolas cage simply runs around the entire film, decking women, even while dressed as a bear.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

  38. hey monsters check me, I’m a monster too. Also, Im sure everyone is aware of Tucker Max’s Movie. -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXTmNApNrxM. Crazy how trailers are, like, always wayy better than the movie right guys!

  39. I’m nominating Paparazzi for the hunt. It’s an abortion of a film.

  40. I nominate Wanted. PLEASE do Wanted.

  41. Is this movie really that bad? I haven’t seen it yet but if we were to talk about worst movie I’d think something like Bloodrayne would be on the ballot or something.

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