Photos
We may never know what really happened to Tiger Woods. (Is that even true? I have actually not been paying attention to that story at all. Is it even a mystery, or do we already know exactly what happened? You know what? Don’t tell me. It’s more fun this way. National Treasure 3.) And although the President of France used his Presidenting skills to get Switzerland to let Roman Polanski leave jail for his multi-million dollar Ski Palace, the debate still rages over whether he raped or rape-raped a 13-year-old girl (everyone seems to agree that he gave her quaaludes, so that case is CLOSED!). My point is that we live in an era of uncertainty. But one thing is quantifiable, and that is how much you liked or disliked comments on this website!
After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of this week’s Caption Contest, and the Editor’s Choice.
This Week’s Highest Rated Comments
I’ve been working on exploding my t-shirts off my body, and I only have 2 left now. My mom won’t buy me new ones because she says I’m being a jackass and werewolves don’t even exist. MLIT (and FML! I h8 my mom!!!)
Posted by: Captain Boring of the S.S. Shut Up in response to Videogum’s Teen Korner: My Life Is Twilight
Score = 68
Geez, you NYC monsters are late to the game on this one! Here in Portland, we* have Videogum Pizza** Parties*** every night! It’s so much fun**** to get to know your fellow monsters*****, and talk about some of your favorite Videogum posts******!
*I
**beer & whiskey
***pretty much just me slowly drinking myself to death
****not fun
*****inner turmoil
******drunkenly spit out a comment at 2am and never hit submit because you can’t remember what you wrote and your eyes won’t focus so you can read it
Posted by: That One in response to You Guys, Let’s Have A Videogum Video Pizza Party For Real!
Score = 68
Dialog we can anticipate:
“Captain, the tumor? It turns out it was B9.”
“I’m grateful you told me B4 I called my wife!”
“The aliens are using C4!”
“You’ve revealed the secrete plans, Jenkins?? A2, Jenkins?!?”
“Don’t try 2B a hero, Smith. Just B1.”
Posted by: werttrew in response to Look Out, Monopoly: The Movie, Battleship: The Movie Is The New Crazy!
Score = 83
it takes a real lapse in judgment to write, on the internet, I’VE RUBBED OFF ON MY 5 YEAR OLD SON.
“There’s gotta be a better way to say that.”–Michael Bluth
Posted by: Dr. Mantis Toboggan in response to Videogum’s Teen Korner: My Life Is Twilight
Score = 94
I’ve been making out with my German Shepherd while pretending he’s Taylor Lautner. MLIT
Posted by: DuckDuck in response to Videogum’s Teen Korner: My Life Is Twilight
Score = 107
[Ed. note: I am not sure that I realized how much everyone's life, including my own, was Twilight until this week. Now I know. It is true what they say about ignorance and bliss!]
This Week’s Lowest Rated Comments
I will nominate these movies until at least one of them makes it, because God they are awful!
Wild Wild West
Eyes Wide Shut
Monster’s Ball
Milk
Mullholland Falls
Nine (the animated movie)
A Knight’s Tale
Good job on That Benjamin Button’s Shit! That movie is top five, easy.
Posted by: Aquaboogy in response to The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: You Will Miss Me When I Burn
Score = -28
[Ed. note: yikes! Sorry, Aquaboogy. Your comment hardly seems like the worst comment of the week, but what did you expect in this gang of Wild Wild West superfans?]
This Week’s Caption Contest Winner
“Red sweatpants on blue sweatpants day? That’s a caning!”
Posted by: mwilliamrice in response to The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Jaden Smith As The Black Karate Kid
Score = 43
[Ed. note: Congratulations to our winner, mwilliamrice!]
This Week’s Editor’s Choice
Oh hey, I could go to this.
But I wont.
Posted by: Ivan Idea in response to You Guys, Let’s Have A Videogum Video Pizza Party For Real!
[Ed. note: I am singling Ivan Idea out for a rare inverted-Editor's Choice. What is the deal, Ivan Idea? It is one thing to not be able to come to the Videogum Pizza Party on December 15th, that is fine. It's also fine to not WANT to come. We are all adults here, we can make decisions. But to be so flip! Why so flip and blase, Ivan Idea? You are too bored. Treat yourself to something special this weekend, Ivan Idea. You deserve it. And cheer up! The rest of you, please RSVP for the Videogum Pizza Party on December 15h here.]
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Inside jokes compendium updated: http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/265368711/videogum-inside-jokes-memes-etc
Reply here, email at werttrew99 at yahoo.com, or @werttrew on Twitter with suggestions and corrections! Now I gotta run because my weekend plans are BANANAS!
Bananas? Get it? You get it.
I like the way he flies away, personally.
Wow. This exists. I’m impressed. In reading through these, I am amazed at how many my officemate (are we officemonsters?) and I have adopted into our daily actual conversation. Videogum Inside Jokes, Memes, Etc., are spreading beyond the interwebs.
I wish my friends were familiar with Videogum. Like, the other day, my friend was freaking out I was like Relax, technojeremy! and they were like What? and I was like *facepalm*.
And that is the story of my life.
i think my friends (IRL!) are sick of me telling them to read videogum… and watch glee…
YLIV.
YLIV
My mom says “No, David Blaine!” now. Except when she forgets his name and calls him Roger or Charles. But I think “No, Roger Blaine!” is funnier, so I let it go.
Wow! Just wow.
It’s like our very own Nadsat Dictionary!
Props, werttrew, for making this, and for making your name so easy to type out. werttrew.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
So here I am thinking that I’m still totally new to Videogum, and that I wouldn’t really get the inside jokes. It turns out that I’ve seen the inception of many of them, and have just picked up on the rest while I’ve been reading. As a result, I feel like I’m part of something, but that my part is the creepy dude who just sort of hangs around, laughs at the jokes (then uses them amongst other friends), and rarely makes comments (most of you probably are thinking, “What is this new avatar?”). My point is: if you hear some heavy breathing uncomfortably close to the back of your head, I apologize in advance for being a creeper.
I am very grateful for this. I can only think of one that’s missing: “It’s Life, Jump Into Life” — where did that come from?
Good one! I just added it. The origin of that phrase, btw, is here: http://videogum.com/archives/trailer/its_life_jump_into_life_winged_012191.html
Awesome, jump into thanks!
ugh, I meant to upvote you and downvoted by accident. Sorry for the -1!
I just upvoted to help negate your downvote. Teamwork!
Que es un “snowclone?”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowclone
Sentence structure where within a set phrase you can replace a gap with many things. For example,
___is the new ___.
Forget it ____, it’s ____town.
Bartender, a round of _______ for my friends.
The term comes from a linguist noting the many forms of the Eskimo cliche about words for snow. So the snowclone went, “If Eskimos have X words for snow, ___ surely have X words for ____.” The linguist dubbed all of those kinds of sentence structures as “snowclones.”
I know you can’t make it to the pizza party for a number of reasons, but I’ll be more than willing to pitch in on paying for you to get a videogum tattoo.
If the Eskimos have 100000 words for snow, surely Monsters have 1 word for WORST. #videogumsnowclones. Am I doing this right?
TalbainJ. A term for a commenter who is taking Videogum a little too seriously.
so let me try it out.
Wertrew is a regular TalbanJ over here!
am I doing it right?
I’ve always used “TalbainJ” as a reference for posting way too much. Of course we’ll always remember his epic freakout over not being one of the top-rated comments of the week, but I always remember how he was trying way too hard and collapsed into a shame-driven isolationgum. So whenever I post like seven times on a single post, I always feel like I’m TalbainJ’ing With a Vengeance.
That said, aww… I can’t believe five people downvoted you!
Of course werttrew’s super-great (I heart you, sir), but it’s true that he perfectly fits the TalbainJ profile, per my definition. As do I. It’s nothing to be ashamed of! Videogum is an easy place to get roped in to. I guess we all have a little TalbainJ inside of us (no talbainjmo).
As a side note, I might not be around here until the new decade, so I hope you guys have wonderful dinners, Merry Holidays, and a New Year’s you can’t remember but seems amazing/shameful in your futile attempts at recollection.
I’ll see you guys in 2010, when I will be Living Free or TalbainJing Hard.
ugh. i just read this. i was waiting for you to comment today so I could say “that one made me laugh” or “that one is awesome” because i feel like an ass for umm… earlier. SO> That one will be missed. I always enjoy your comments. Happy Holidays!
Sorry, keep trying. Also do not fuck with werttrew. He’s the Keeper of Monsters and can take you down.
Sorry, Rory. People can’t just handle the truth sometimes.
great meme page…. if I’m not mistaken, the source of “Enhance. Enhance…Enhance” is Super Troopers.
I would RSVP, but I don’t have a facebook because I’m not a sex offender.
yeah, for serious.
i’ll be there but i’m not rsvp-ing through FB.
I misread this as “I don’t have a Facebook [sic] because I AM a sex offender” and laughed out loud. I would’ve given you a million ups…
Is this the place to RSVP if you don’t have facebook? Count me in.
I would RSVP but I AM A BABY!
Gabe, if I showed up in NYC with a fake ID, would you vouch for me? You totes would.
I’ve got one for you that says “McAnallovin”. You remember Superbad? It’s like that. But not funny.
Don’t forget to bring Teddie Vedder! You’ll definitely pass for 21.
Teddy Vedder says “Gabe is a racist against baby monsters!”
I’m really mad at myself right now for not spelling Teddie right.
I love Teddie Vedder (and I hope to high heaven that this is your actual teddy bear!). I named my bear Bill because of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (not joking) and I still sleep with it, despite the fact that I’m a full-grown adult.
I upvoted you for being awesome. And, sadly, this is not my bear. I just found him online. And really want him. Sadly, I have to settle for staring longingly at my Vedder posters. WHY MUST I BE A TEENAGER IN LOOOOVEE
“Don’t try 2B a hero, Smith. Just B1.” will never not be funny to me. MLIW(erttrew)
shut up, woman. get on my horse.
Tastes just like raisins!
God help anyone that EVER makes fun of Wild Wild West.
is there a way to RSVP through Friendster?
it might not get here in time. RSVPs from 6 years ago take a while to get here.
I have always wondered (and forgive me if this has been discussed on the Videogum FAQs, because they exist) what happens to the comments in the Monsters’ Ball thread. Are they eligible for next week’s week’s best comments, or are they lost somewhere in the ether, never to be acknowledged for their potential greatness/inanity? If a monster insults Wild Wild West at the ball, does it make a sound?
Check out the winner of the second Monster’s Ball
http://videogum.com/archives/monsters_ball/monsters_ball_the_weeks_best_c_1_074922.html
^ asst historian
(that is the first time i ever used a “^”… am i one of the kids now?)
MB comments used to be eligible for the next week’s MB. However, at some point, they no longer did. There have been in the recent months at least a couple MB comments that had enough votes to make it for the next week but weren’t included.
I was just thinking the same thing! Great (terrible) minds think alike!
Great comments this week! Everyone brought their A-game! Fist bumps, ass slaps, etc all around!
^perineum
Quick request/suggestion. Is it possible to optimize videogum for the mobile web? Somethimes I want to laugh on the go. But vgum always crashes my safari browser.
Agreed, I have this problem too, but intermittently. Also, why not a little iPhone bookmark icon? They’re neat!
Woah, woah Woah….who do you think runs this site, Steve Jobs? Videogum just started chat a few weeks ago. You might want to wait 5 years before it’s mobile web ready.
yeah I’ve also often wished that it worked better on my phone too, i do a lot of reading articles without being able to see .gifs or videos, etc. Youtube videos work on my phone, but not when they’re embedded in the articles. also i can never make comments… its probably not really worth fixing though, with Y2K12 around the corner and everything.
Yeah, I got a G-Phone and the browser just turns itself off sometimes when Videogum is pulled up. Thoughts on causes?
Yep, Safari on my iPhone crashes each time I access Videogum comments. Not user profiles, not the main site: just comments. I find if I cancel the page load at the last possible second that I can read the comments but then posting a comment is problematic
I think I’ve figured it out – It’s all the moving gifs – the mobiles cant handle all the moving awesomeness. I BLAME WERTTREW
I’m kind of disappointed that some of my favorite comments didn’t make the list this week! I’d suggest to start posting our own favorite comments as replies, but then we’d be voting on comments within comments and THEN where would we be? Marrying our dogs to our children, probably. Slippery slope!
“Slippery slope!”
I want to shout that out more often. Thank you, Funtastik. For typing things.
This was my favorite comment. I thought about posting it here since it didn’t make the cut, and since you brought it up:
“This is probably just viral marketing for string.”
I spit on my computer after reading that because of laughter.
I went back to the worst comment, and Aquaboogy posted a very well expressed explanation for his/her inclusion of some of the movies we downvoted the comment for:
“I nominated movies like Eyes Wide Shut and Monster’s Ball because I think they represent what is essentially the whole point of the Hunt: movies that had high ambitions, great movie-makers, phenomenal production values, and still managed to suck. Eyes Wide Shut is hampered by Stanley Kubrick’s NEARLY THREE HOUR masturbatory salute to his own genius. Instead of containing all the fantastic qualities you mention above, it is instead a 159 minute, leaden-paced, pretentious allegory. Just what I need in a movie – an extended metaphor on marriage. Joy. While I didn’t enter the movie theater wishing it were a porn, I left almost wishing it was. All of this is coming from a huge Stanley Kubrick fan, BTW.
And to quote Gabe from his review of Crank, if you’re so sure that EWS is an unimpeachable work of art (which it isn’t) then why do you care if it’s nominated? Plenty of people nominated movies I like, and you don’t see me getting my panties in a twist.”
I don’t agree with almost any of this, but it’s a very legitimate complaint that further proves the subjectivity of art.
So, I’m sorry for the downvote, Aquaboogy. I wasn’t a big fan of EWS the first time, but I’ve seen it countless times since and (IMHO), it honestly gets better and better when you realize how much is going on between the frames. And it’s so pretty! I like pretty pictures! I hope you give it another shot. My irrational loyalty to the films I love sometimes gets the better of me, and you didn’t deserve to have the week’s worst comment (because it is such an important event and can make or destroy lives). Cheers!
That One:
I meant to reply to you in my post below, but I was too busy SEXTING about my PERINEUM to realize that I had once again been foiled by modern technology. Here it is:
Thanks That One! I mean, what’s the fun of constantly subjecting Gabe to Nic Cage and Robin Williams movies? Everyone knows they’re THA WORST already – no surprises there, right? We are all in this together people!
And don’t worry about me – I drink to forget painful childhood memories, not because I got the worst comment of the week. Suicide is NEVER an option, even if repeated viewings of WWW make us wish it were.
As this was my first week commenting heavily (for me, anyway), this monster’s ball means so much more to me… I feel like at least I was invited to this ball, even if I am not queen this week. I’m very emotional, it’s pretty gross.
Ivan Idea! What is goin on, man?
Its like, what are you going to do, invite people to your house to watch pizza videos and eat bagged pizza? Well shit, you better take a minute and flush that toilet, and while the water flushes, take the scrubber brush and get all that dirt out of the toilet, and keep holdin the flusher so the water doesn’t fill, just keeps running; so you can scrub all the bits and dirt off from the whole bowl (even beneath the waterline) and when it won’t keep flushing and starts filling you’ll be done anyway. What? Too much work? Fuck it, pee in a dirty toilet, I don’t care.
For real though Ivan Idea (I see what you did there…) all you NYC monstahs got it all good and sweet, being able to drop in and meet up with all your internets heros at your whim (how is security at Video/Stereo Gum base?), and then they go ahead and arrange a FREE party with FREE Pizza, it’s like, look a gift horse in the mouth (while he hunts for wild mushrooms in the forests of okinawa) why don’t you.
That comment took me back my birthday in kindergarten. On our birthdays, we were expected to bring snacks for the entire class, and my mom made a coconut and chocolate deliciousness – known as “haystacks” in my family. Anyways, this girl who I was trying to make friends with walked up to me and said, “I’m not eating your stupid haystacks!” I cried for a a couple minutes until the Hi-C was passed around. Then I was okay. Hi-C makes everything okay.
That was the third memory of my education, behind telling my preschool friend that “shit” is a bad word to say and the subsequent tattling and tears, and standing on top of the table in kindergarten when the teacher left the room and pulling out my tiny little penis, yelling, “Party time!” I remember this girl screaming “Ewwww!” (rightfully). I ended up dating her for six years. No joke.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Why don’t you want to eat my haystacks, Ivan? Don’t make me cry and pull out my penis.
Wow, monsters are pretty quiet this week.
I just realized that your avatar looks to be made of ice cream. Crazy. I’ve been staring at that thing for months now.
Me too – I thought it was Mr Potato Head or some Picasso version thereof.
i thought it was ghetto muppet Beaker
Beaker, the Muppet? I’m sorry. I’m drunk. I don’t know. OVER-SHARE.
“Mee mee mee mee mee!”
It’s cool bird, drink some for me too
EVERYBODY, IT’S COOKIEPUSS! Like, from Carvel? I just liked how creepy he looks, like he’s peepin’ on someone.
I believe it is a Cookie Puss, the most famous Carvel ice cream cake, next to Fudgie the Whale and Cookie Puss’ Irish cousin, Cookie O’Puss.
Oh man, I am a moron. Did not even see this comment. You are right, Sir or Madam!
One time (just before the dawn of the 21st Century), at a Burger King drive-thru, my friend Kurt asked me to ask them if they still had any of the Kenneth Branagh action figures left and if he could order one even though we were not ordering a Kids’ Meal. Despite my best efforts, the person on the other end could not understand what I wanted. Wild Wild West was already in the dollar theaters, but the drive-thru speaker display still had the advertisements for the toys up, and Kurt, though not an action figure collector, was insistent. He asked me to try to order the toy by the character name, and as fate would have it, I had seen the movie. It took me a minute to recall it, but finally I was able to ask, “Do you have any of the Dr. Loveless action figures left?” And the person working the drive-thru said “No, I’m sorry.”
My point is, that the Wild Wild West movie was so powerful, that a Shakespearean thespian was more known for his character than he was as an actual human being.
Once in a film class (film major, hooolllaaohmygodiamsad) our professor asked how many of us had seen a western, one kid in the back of the class raised his hand and sincerely asked if Wild Wild West counted. I have never seen a more Disappointed Professor.
Thanks That One! I mean, what’s the fun of constantly subjecting Gabe to Nic Cage and Robin Williams movies? Everyone knows they’re THA WORST already – no surprises there, right? We are all in this together people!
And don’t worry about me – I drink to forget painful childhood memories, not because I got the worst comment of the week. Suicide is NEVER an option, even if repeated viewings of WWW make us wish it were.
hey, what’s up with Nicolas Cage?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091205/ap_en_mo/un_un_people_nicolas_cage
not really what I expected would be up with that guy, but that’s why the world’s an interesting place.
i made a fucking username so i could play monster with everyone, and i tried to be the first to post on this damn monsters ball, so i would be memorable and everyone would love the newcomer… but NO. the ball was posted sometime after 6 on friday and i was gone, now i am a loser and no one will ever like me. FUCK VIDEO GUM!
sike. i love videogum. christmas cards for all my new friends. see you at the pizza party.
i have a boner.
ugh @magnum. Less revolting avatar please.
Ditto ^
I can’t believe no one’s gotten this – “Enhance” is from JFK. P.S. I didn’t actually see it.
I love this shit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2undJyRCzOY
Oh, I’m glad you’re here. I had a question, and there isn’t a link on your site for this sort of thing. I ordered and received one of your genuine Fendi handbags, (I’m totes impressed, by the way, I’ll be stuntin’!) and was a little surprised to find what appears to be a child’s finger stitched into the inside lining. I’m not one to complain, normally, but since ‘service is your lift’, what do you want me to do with this thing? Do you guys want it back, or what? Get at me!
Also, I take offenseto you wishing me a Merry Christmas as I am a third level cyber-pagan.